Bleached thoughts
by Writing bunny
Summary: Drabbles. Exploring small ideas and plotholes. Various characters. Mostly funny. Ch.157: Isn't Isshin forgetting something? SPOILERS
1. Training Shunpo

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Yoruichi, Soifon

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Otherwise I wouldn't post this here.

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"So did you understand the theory behind Utsusemi?" Yoruichi asked her student.

"Yes, Yoruichi-sama," Soifon answered.

"Good," the commander of Onmitsukido nodded. "We can begin with the practice." Without further ado she lunged after the younger woman. The Goddess of Flash was so fast that the young girl had no chance to dodge, Yoruichi's zanpakuto plunging deep into her chest. But then her image distorted, leaving only her overcoat hanging in the air. The dark-skinned woman turned towards her protégé standing a short distance away.

"Well done," she approved. "Let's do it again."

And again.

And again.

And again and again and again and then once more.

"Yoruichi-sama?"

"What?" the teacher snapped at her uncharacteristically meek student. "Don't tell me you're tired already."

"No, Yoruichi-sama. It's embarrassing, but… you see… I have no more clothes to shed."

"Oh."


	2. Tired of chores

Genre: Humor/Crack

Rating: K

Characters: Yamamoto, Kyouraku, Hitsugaya, Hyourinmaru, Unohana

Based on Ep. 249 omake and ep. 228. If you don't know the Zanpakuto Unknown Tales, you won't understand.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Some lines are directly from English sub of episode 249 omake. I don't own those too.

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"Oh, Ryuujin Jakka!" Yamamoto's voice bellowed through the fire-enveloped cave. "You've always been there when I needed you, Ryuujin Jakka!" he reminded his rebellious zanpakuto spirit. "When I needed to heat up the oven, when it was cold, when I baked sweet potatoes, you were always there to help me. So I'm going to free you of his brainwashing, Ryuujin Jakka!" Yamamoto bellowed. The assembled captains sweatdropped.

"Maybe it got tired of doing chores?" Kyouraku offered.

"How can anyone treat their zanpakuto like that?" Hitsugaya wondered.

"And what about the time you had me work as the fridge for the Shinigami Women Association when they went to the beach?" the materialized spirit of Hyourinmaru complained batting away a flame absentmindedly.

"That was only once!" the vertically-challenged captain protested. "Besides, next time you try telling no to Unohana."

"Oh my, it's so hot in here," Unohana said. (Don't ask me how she got there, she just did.) "I propose, after this mess is over, we'll go to the beach again. We all need the break. Oh, and Hitsugaya-taichou, if you could be so kind and provide the ice for us again."

Hitsugaya only looked at Hyourinmaru pointedly. The ice dragon, currently in human shape, stepped forward and spoke.

"I'm afraid that won't be possible."

"Oh really? I'm afraid I must insist." Unohana _smiled_. Hyourinmaru took a step back.

"I meant to say, of course we'll be happy to assist you in anything you might require of us. Don't hesitate to call on us anytime you want to go to the beach," the suddenly not-so proud dragon spirit stammered.

"Thank you for your kindness," the healed replied and disappeared.

"Do you realize what you've just gotten us into?" the Tenth division taichou complained. "Sucker." Hyourinmaru had the grace to look sheepish.


	3. Bankai?

Rating: K+

Genre: Humor

Characters: Yumichika, Ruri'iro Kuujaku

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Ayasegawa Yumichika sighed tiredly. He wanted nothing more than get his well-deserved beauty sleep. Defeating his mutinous zanpakuto hadn't been easy, but he had managed. Sure, he had to break the rules of the 11th division to subdue the materialized zanpakuto spirit, but as long as no-one was around to see, it didn't matter. Then something occurred to him.

"Hey, Fuji Kuujaku," he started.

"Don't call me that ugly nickname or I'll rebel again!" the sword protested, but Yumichika ignored him.

"What is my Bankai?"

"What are you babbling about? You don't have Bankai, you ugly moron!"

"Don't I?" The 11th division 3rd seat raised his perfectly trimmed eyebrow. "But I defeated your materialized form in the real world. That means I get Bankai."

"It doesn't count," Ruri'iro Kuujaku protested. "You didn't materialize me yourself."

"Urahara and Kurosaki didn't either and they both got Bankai," Ayasegawa pointed out. (Don't ask how he knew.)

"Why do you even want to know? You wouldn't use it anyway, just like that ugly barbarian you're friends with."

"And what does it matter? Just spill out, Fuji Kuujaku."

"Oh no! You called me that again!"

"So what? What do you want to do about it?"

"I'm running back to Muramasa!"

"Stop! What about my Bankai?"

"Forget about it!"


	4. Drinking game

A.N.: Three chapters up for days and not a single review? Does it really suck that bad?

Rating: T

Characters: Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Iba, Hisagi, Abarai, Kira

Genre: Humor

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Inspired by a scene from some fanfic, but I forgot which.

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Hitsugaya sighed in exasperation. Why did he even agree to attend the party? Oh yes, Matsumoto had promised to do all the paperwork for a week. He snorted. Oh yes, she's going to find a way out of it within a day. Certainly not worth the annoyance this drunken binge was. There were so many better things he could have been doing instead of wasting his time here. And whose birthday was it anyway? He wracked his brain, but he couldn't remember. Great. Now he was going to embarrass himself on top of everything.

"Oi! It's Shiro-chan!" a boisterous voice cut his musings short. He whirled around and faced a table around which Madarame, Ayasegawa, Hisagi, Kira, Iba, Abarai, and his own lazy excuse of a lieutant were seated. All of them were obviously way past the just tipsy phase and well on their way into complete drunkenness. He sent them his best icy glare, which usually was enough to sent lesser shinigami run crying for their mommies. He emphasized his point by adding:

"It's Hitsugaya-taichou to you!"

But they didn't run or tremble. Instead they raised their sake cups, downed them in one gulp and refilled them again.

"Oi, Shiro-chan's in a bad mood today," Ikkaku commented.

"I told you, it's Hitsugaya-taichou!" The group downed their drinks again. Hitsugaya scowled. He was beginning to understand what this was about. "Do you want to be charged with insubordination?"

"Why so mean, Shiro-chan?" Matsumoto asked.

"Yes, it wouldn't hurt if you smiled for once, would it, Shiro-chan?" Abarai added.

Now Hitsugaya had it. He leant over the table and flared his reiatsu a bit. "I told you, it's Hitsugaya-taichou," he growled dangerously. The group of drunkards smiled and raised their cups to their lips. But instead of gulping down the sake they all looked at their saucers in confusion.

"What's this?" Iba slurred. He tried to drink again, but no sweet liquid flowed to his mouth.

"What's wrong?" Hitsugaya raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you going to drink?"

Kira stared into his cup stupidly for a while and then upturned it. A block of ice fell out of it and shattered on the table.

"Huh?" was all he said.

"It's beautiful," Yumichika commented.

Hitsugaya smirked. Maybe it wasn't so bad to attend a party once in a while. There sure was fun to be had even though he didn't drink.


	5. Motivation?

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Ichigo, Isshin

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. I don't own Bleach. I forgot to mention it the previous chapter so I'm writing it twice now.

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He had done it. He had finally defeated the mixture of Tensa Zangetsu and his inner Hollow and learned the ultimate Getsuga Tenshou. He had gone out of his inner world and looked at his father. Isshin was breathing hard from the strain of holding the currents still. He seemed on the verge of collapse, but he found enough strength to look up at Ichigo questioningly.

"I did it," the redhead announced.

"Good. Now go there, kick Aizen's ass and save your sisters."

"What?" Ichigo shrieked. "You mean they are still there?"

"Yes," the older shinigami answered like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Why didn't you get them out when you knew this was going to happen?"

"I wanted to give you more motivation?" Isshin tried.

"Motivation? Motivation, my ass! So for some motivation you'd get Yuzu and Karin killed? I want to kill you now before going to fight Aizen!"

Isshin didn't answer. He finally fainted with exhaustion. The currents of the Severing World closed to them dangerously. The young shinigami sighed. He picked up his fathers body and ran to the exit. It looked like he'd have to finish off Aizen before having a hearty talk with his parent. He'd waste the god-wannabe soon, because there was no way he'd let Isshin off the hook.

In Karakura, Aizen shivered. He mistakenly discounted it as result of Gin's betrayal. His loss.


	6. First day

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, OC

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

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"Hey, little boy," said the shinigami giving him a lollipop. "A nice dress-up costume you got here, but you really shouldn't pretend to be a captain. It can be dangerous, you know? So now run back home before the real captain comes." The man followed his speech with a heartwarming smile and a hand ruffling the child's head.

Hitsugaya Toshiro took a deep breath and tried to keep his rising ire under control. Things weren't going like he had imagined. He had been so elated when he had been finally promoted to captain and given command of Tenth division. It was a dream come true. Finally he showed up all the doubters who said a little kid like him could never accomplish anything. Finally no more calling him kid, or even Shiro-chan. He was going to be Hitsugaya-taichou from now on. He'd be one of the thirteen most respected shinigami in Seireitei. At least so the theory went. The reality, as is often the case, was vastly different.

So far, nobody had believed him that he was indeed their new captain. They all smiled at him kindly, gave him whatever candy they could find on their person and told him to stop the joke before the real new captain arrives there and gets a chance to be offended. When he showed them his official papers, they freaked out and told him to give them back to wherever he stole them for. This would get him into serious trouble and his cute face wouldn't be enough to get him out. He really had no patience for this.

And now that guy, fifty-fourth this morning, if he counted it right, was speaking to him in a tone usually reserved for much younger children. Hitsugaya mostly tuned him out, but then the man said something that caught his attention.

"...kids cannot be captains just because they think it's cool. Captains are the best fighters. They all must know Bankai, do you even know what it is?"

Hitsugaya snapped.

"So you want to see my Bankai?" he shouted. "Fine!" In one smooth motion he drew Hyourinmaru. A logical part of his brain was screaming at him that this wasn't a good idea, but he was too angry to care.

"Hey, kid, that's dangerous!" the moron in front of him chided. "Children shouldn't play with sharp things!"

Hitsugaya didn't listen. He was busy shouting the release phrase.

The courtyard around them turned into an arctic landscape. Dark clouds formed in the sky and it began snowing heavily. Hitsugaya spread his ice wings.

"Is that good enough for you?"

The man didn't answer. The thick layer of ice covering his whole body prevented him.

Hitsugaya took a look around. Among the white wasteland, shinigami were picking themselves from the ground and shaking in fear and cold.

"_We might have overdone it a bit," _Hyourinmaru observed. Toshiro had to agree. He sheathed his zanpakuto and dismissed his Bankai. The clouds dissolved, but the ice on the ground stayed. Now the snow stopped, it was obvious that several people were trapped by it. _Such a fine start of my new appointment, _he thought sarcastically and proceeded to free his new subordinates from the ice. They were looking at him with a bit of respect and whole lot of fear now.

_Well, at least they aren't going to call me 'cute' anymore. I just hope Yamamoto would let me keep the position after this._

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Late in the afternoon, Tenth Division Captain Hitsugaya Toshiro was sitting in the office studying the damage report. Everything was soaked through, but overall the destruction wasn't as bad as he feared. And luckily nobody caught in the blast had died, though the Fourth was a bit worried about somebody's fingers. It was a rough start to his captaincy, but it could have been worse.

The door opened and in came his new fukutaichou. The woman looked like a complete ditz at first glance, but she had handled the confusion after his outburst expertly, preventing panic, so he concluded she was actually competent.

"Everything's quiet," she reported.

"What's the mood in the division?"

"Well, there are various rumors running around, but they will die down soon."

"I hope I didn't scare them too much with today's display," he mused. "I didn't want to be known as a tyrant of a captain. It won't be easy to work with them if they are scared of me."

"Don't worry, taichou," Matsumoto smiled. "Once they see how cute you are, they won't be afraid of you anymore."

"I'm not cute," he protested.

"No," she nodded, "you are mondo cute!" And she swiped him into her arms, burying his head in her bossom.

"MATSUMOTO!"


	7. Ikkaku's funeral

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Yachiru, Zaraki, Maki-Maki

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

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"So there would be the banner and under it the bouquet of chrysanthemums or should it rather be yarrows? Yarrows are our division flowers. What do you think Ken-chan?"

"Yachiru-chan!" Zaraki interrupted, but the small pink-haired girl didn't wait for an answer from the big man and continued her rant.

"No, it should definitely be yarrows. And here's where the snacks would be. Put the table there, Maki-Maki!"

"Hai, fukutaichou!" The man hurriedly dropped his cargo and quickly vacated the room, all too glad to get far from the hyperactive youngster and her latest crazy scheme.

"And there should be lot of candy and..."

"Sake!" Aramaki called from the door.

"Yachiru-chan!" Zaraki interrupted, but the girl was too deeply lost in her thoughts.

"And lots of sake and..."

"Yachiru!"

"What is it, Ken-chan? Can't you see I'm busy? Everything must be perfect for Pachinko-head's funeral!"

"Yachiru! Ikkaku isn't dead!" Kenpachi pointed out.

"But Yumi-chan said to prepare for his funeral!" Yachiru objected.

"You can't have a funeral for somebody who's still alive!"

"Why not?" she scrunched her face. "This way it's more fun! Cueball can come too! It would be too sad if he couldn't come at his own funeral. Funerals are always so sad because the main guest isn't there to enjoy it. But Chrome-dome can come, so this one would be fun! Lots of food and drinks and fighting and singing... Oh! We definitely have to get some musicians..."


	8. Ikkaku's funeral 2

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Ikkaku, Yumichika, Zaraki, Yachiru, Renji

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

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"As much as I like to be at home again, this time it feels like running," Ikkaku scowled as soon as the Senkaimon closed behind them and all the shinigami headed for their respective divisions.

"Yes, we could have had such beautiful battles," Yumichika sighed. "Instead, we are stuck in here."

"I know it sucks," Kenpachi interrupted, before Ayasegawa could start a full-blown tirade, "but an order is an order. And besides, everybody is looking forward to seeing you. Yachiru prepared a special event for you."

"Did she? How nice of her," Yumichika remarked.

"Yes," Zaraki confirmed, "so you'd better appreciate it." 'Or else' remained unsaid. Ikkaku wondered why his captain put such accent on it.

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"What the hell is that?" Ikkaku pointed disbelievingly at the huge banner adorning the 11th division's mess hall.

"That's for you, Ikky-chan!" Yachiru announced cheerfully.

"But what the hell it is?"

"Your funeral!" she smiled.

"But why?"

"Yumi-chan said to prepare one so we did!"

"Well, I did," Yumichika admitted.

"But I'm not dead! I can't have a funeral!"

"Well," Yachiru put a finger to her lips, "Technically everybody here's dead, so it shouldn't be a problem. And you probably already had a funeral once, but it was sad, with lot of crying and you weren't there. So why not throw you a proper one, that you can enjoy? There's a lot of snacks and drinks and music and everybody's here…"

"Oh, come on, Ikkaku," Yumichika smiled. "It's not like you to refuse a party."

"It's not a party," Yachiru corrected. "It's a funeral!"

"Whatever," the feminine man shrugged. "It's an opportunity to get drunk."

"Yes," Ikkaku agreed. "Let's get drunk. I can't take this sober."

And get drunk they did. Thoroughly.

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In the wee hours of the morning, Renji came by to ask whether they wanted to join the forbidden rescue party. No matter how hard he shook them, neither Ikkaku nor Yumichika woke, so he and Rukia had to go save Orihime by themselves.


	9. Beach

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Hitsugaya, Matsumoto

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach

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"You know, taichou, this isn't quite what I had in mind," the busty fukutaichou of Tenth Division complained.

"What's your problem now, Matsumoto?" her captain sighed. "You buggered me endlessly to relax, to go with you to a beach in the Real World and I did. So why are you still not happy?"

"When I let you chose the location, I hoped for somewhere nice and sunny..."

"Isn't it sunny enough?" Hitsugaya gestured around. "The sun shines twenty-four hours a day! And just look at the scenery!" He pointed at the glaciers.

"Only you, taichou" Matsumoto said through chattering teeth, "can enjoy a beach in Antarctica."


	10. Chairs

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Hitsugaya, Ukitake

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Sadly.

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It was going to be his first captains meeting and Hitsugaya was anxious, though he wouldn't admit it. He had no idea what to expect. How would the older captains react to him? Would they accept him or would they sneer at him and call him a little kid in way over his head? 'There's no sense in dwindling,' he thought and walked through the door.

Three hours later, he was ready to climb the walls. He had to stand at attention for three whole hours! He was never good at standing at attention for any length of time. He could run or fight for hours on without getting tired, but standing motionlessly just made his feet ache terribly. He was slowly approaching his level of tolerance. And the sotaichou was droning and droning about the responsibilities of his new rank. He had yet to say something he didn't hear or read before.

He really, really wanted to scream in frustration. But around him the other captains were standing quietly, looking perfectly content and interested in Yamamoto's speech, so he schooled his features and suffered silently. He couldn't let them outdo him in something they were doing so effortlessly. He was supposed to be their equal now. There was no way he'd do something as childish as fidget on his first day on the job. No, he had to prove everybody that he wasn't a kid and preserve through the torture.

Finally, after another hour, the formalities were finished and they were allowed to move from their spots and greet their new peer personally. It wasn't as bad as he had feared, but it wasn't as good as he had hoped either. He answered their questions politely and added a couple of pleasantries.

Then he was talking with Ukitake, the sickly taichou of the Thirteenth division, and the man seemed kind and friendly enough, even though he had thrust a bag of candy into his arms, which had been utterly humiliating. He finally dared to ask the one question that had been plaguing him ever since the beginning of the meeting.

"Pardon me, Ukitake-taichou, why are there no chairs in the meeting room? The fukutaichou meeting room does have them, then why not the taichou?"

"That has a simple answer," the senior captain replied. "Did you hear Genryuusai-sensei's speech?"

"Yes," he confirmed. He didn't understand why Ukitake was asking him this. There was no way he could have missed the boring lecture.

"There you have it," Jyuushiro smiled. "It's very hard to fall asleep while standing upright."


	11. Weather forecast

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Ichimaru

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach

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"Oh, hello Ran-chan!" Ichimaru's too cheerful voice greeted them suddenly as they were walking through the streets of Seireitei. Hitsugaya sighed. His day had been already no good and the Third division's captain's presence made it even worse. He never liked the older man and Ichimaru never failed to give him a reason not to. Today was no exception.

"Oh sorry, Hitsu-taichou," Gin smiled his infuriating snake-like smile. "Didn't see you. So what's the weather down there?"

"Nice and sunny, thank you," he replied, manipulating his reiatsu as he spoke. "But it's going to be overcast with rain on the highlands."

Before Ichimaru could ask whatever he meant, he felt rain droplets falling in his hair. He looked up. The sky over Seireitei was clear and blue, only a foot above his head a small stormcloud was hanging, raining heavily. Soon he was soaked wet.

Hitsugaya allowed himself a small smirk. What he had done was childish, but it was worth it. It certainly perked up his otherwise crappy day.


	12. Everyone

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Aizen, Ichimaru

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Nothing changed since the last chapter.

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"Well, this group is finished," smiled Aizen contentedly. "Now for the next."

"Yes, Aizen-taichou," Ichimaru replied. "I see some there."

"Let's go then."

"Do we really have ta?" the silver-haired man whined.

"Yes, Ichimaru-fukutaichou, we indeed have to. We mustn't miss a single one."

"I know, I know, but it sure is a pain."

"It's necessary for our future plans. And be quiet, they are almost here."

"Shutting up, sir."

"Hello, cadets," Aizen put on his best kind smile. "Would you perhaps be interested in joining the Fifth Division?"

"T's nice there," Gin added. "Look at our captain. Wanna see his cool shikai?"

"Shatter, Kyouka Suigetsu," said Aizen for the twentieth time the day. He really, really hated the recruitment day. But it was necessary to get everyone under his spell.


	13. An error of judgement

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, mentions of Aizen

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

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"I'm back, taichou," Matsumoto announced somberly. It was uncharacteristic for her, but she had several reasons not to be her usual cheerful self. One of the captains had just been murdered and she had to arrest two of her friends.

"Good," Hitsugaya replied. He had already finished examining the crime scene and now was time to look at the corpse. He turned towards the two unseated Tenth Division shinigami Matsumoto brought with her. "Please get the body down."

"Uh, captain, what body?" asked Unseated Tenth Division Member #1.

"That body," Hitsugaya pointed at Aizen's bloody corpse pinned to the wall.

"I don't see any," Unseated Tenth Division Member #2 replied.

"What? But it's there, in plain sight," the young taichou repeated.

"But there's only some sword stuck to the wall," Unseated Tenth Division Member #1 announced.

"What?" Matsumoto scowled. "There's a bloody corpse! Can't you see it?"

"No," Unseated Tenth Division Member #2 answered. "All I can see is the sword."

"Hn," Hitsugaya looked thoughtful, "then bring down the sword."

"Yes, taichou," Unseated Tenth Division Member #1 said and scaled the wall. There he plucked the sword from the wall and hopped back down. To Hitsugaya and Matsumoto it looked like his right hand and part of his right leg disappeared inside Aizen's body, which he carried like it weighted nothing.

"What the hell?" Matsumoto asked elaborately.

"I think it's really a sword," Hitsugaya spoke, but for whatever reason the two of us, Hinamori, Kira and Ichimaru see it as Aizen's corpse." He knelt down and touched the... whatever. His fingers found the soft fabric of Aizen's haori. "I can even touch it, yet his hand went right through. But how is that possible? Are we perhaps under some elaborate illusion? And more importantly: Why? And where is Aizen?"

And so Aizen's nefarious plans were discovered too early. In his quest for power, he made sure everybody important were under his illusions. But he never even considered the footsoldiers. After all, they were only cannon-fodder and therefore unworthy of his attention. He never bothered to show them Kyouka Suigetsu.


	14. Since when?

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Renji, Zabimaru

Based on the Omake of Episode 149 and Zanpakuto Unknown Tales

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach

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"Uh, but since when is Zabimaru a woman?" Renji asked dumbfounded.

"Since when? Since when? He asks!" Chimpette shouted. "Don't you remember how you asked that clown Kurotsuchi to change my species and gender?"

"Uh?" Renji scratched his head. "When was that?"

"When you broke us the last time! Don't you remember anything, you twit?"

"Oh! That time! But I asked for a pretty girl!"

"And just what was that supposed to mean?" Chimpette growled.

"I'm telling you, you have fat butt," Snakey smirked.

"Hey, stop it," the baboon woman shouted. "Now I don't know which one of you I should kill first!"


	15. True power

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Hitsugaya, Harribel

A.N.: Should I name Hitsugaya main character? He pops up here quite often.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

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"I haven't shown you my true power yet, boy," Tia Harribel growled. She then reached up and slowly unzipped her jacked, revealing her humongous breasts. Everybody who wasn't too busy staying alive stared.

"Such power and only number three," Hitsugaya commented.

"Wait... you actually noticed the number?" The Third Espada asked taken aback.

"What else was there to see?" the youngest captain shrugged.

"What else?" she snapped. "What about these?"

"What? Oh, those!" Hitsugaya finally focused on her breasts. "I figure they are dangerous."

"What?" Now Harribel didn't know whether she had heard right.

"They are even bigger than Matsumoto's and armored," he mused aloud. "Definitely dangerous."

"Sheesh, boy, you sure know how to raise a woman's confidence," Harribel quipped sarcastically. "Is that really what you think about when you see naked boobs?"

"Do you have any idea how many times Matsumoto nearly killed me with hers?" he shot back. "The answer is yes."

"Oh, damn it," the Espada muttered. "Stupid kid. There goes my greatest weapon. Now I'll have to actually fight."


	16. Blind

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Ichimaru, Tousen

Based on the Omake of episode 253. On request from White Snowball. Please forgive my humble attempts at Ichimaru's accent.

Disclaimer: Bleach isn't mine.

!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!

Ichimaru Gin was bored. There wasn't much to do in Las Noches besides waiting for whenever Aizen decided to make his move. And the waiting was getting too long. Messing with the lower Arrancar became boring after the first two weeks. Messing with the Espada was a bit more interesting, but they tended to release and fire when pissed and Aizen really, really hated it when whole blocks of the palace had to be rebuilt. And Aizen also believed that messing with the top ten Arrancar was his privilege. So that was out too. But what else was there to do? And then it occurred to him. He could bother Tousen.

He headed for the staircase to the Menos Forest. That was where the dark-skinned traitor was usually found. Lately he had developed an unhealthy obsession with the Gillian and was trying to breed them. Ichimaru had no idea how he wanted to accomplish it, what was the purpose or how it helped to restore Justice, but he guessed his colleague was probably bored out of his mind too.

Quite predictably, Tousen was standing on a catwalk above the Menos Forest, observing the Gillian through a pair of binoculars.

"Whatcha doin'?" Gin asked.

"Checking on the Gillian," Kaname replied. "I have to make sure they are in peak condition."

"But why the spyglass?"

"How else should I observe them from this distance?" the dark-skinned man replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Yer blind," Ichimaru pointed out.

"I am," Tousen confirmed. "But I have to use binoculars while observing the Gillian. Observing and binoculars are inseparable. Such is the path of true Justice."

"Come to think of it," Ichimaru scratched his head, "why are the lights in 'ere? Yer the only one who ever comes here."

"The Gillian need the light to develop properly," Tousen explained.

"They were doing just fine without it."

"You say it because you don't truly understand them. You think they were fine before, but only in the light can they grow to their full potential and embrace the path of true Justice!"

"They're just Gillian. They don't 'ave minds of their own."

"That's why they need the light to guide them," Tousen replied pointing at the large skylight with one hand, using the other to shield his eyes.

"Why didya just shield yer eyes?"

"You have to shield your eyes while gazing into a bright light. Such is the way of Justice."

"Hmmm, come to think of it, How didya do yer paperwork while still in Soul Society? Ya couldn't see what was written there."

"Justice guided my brush."

"Are ya even really blind?"

"My eyes can see only the path of least bloodshed. Only there lies the true Justice."

"Ya know what? Forget I asked."


	17. Teacher

Genre: Drama/Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Occhi-sensei, mentions of her students

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

She was just a teacher. Just a normal, ordinary woman. She didn't possess any special skill except the ability to keep a group of thirty hormonal teenagers more or less in order. Her only extraordinary feature her was her imagination. And she used it well and often.

People said that Orihime had a really wild imagination, but she had nothing on her, Occhi-sensei. She watched Kurosaki run off in the middle of the class and imagined he was a teenage superhero. She watched as he fell asleep during the middle of a lecture, probably tired from a long night of saving the world. She knew that he was probably just going on a date or whatever, but it was nicer to think he was in fact Spiderman. And she watched how his personality sometimes changed and imagined he was switching with his twin.

She watched Sado shrug off a heavy blow to his face and imagined he was secretly an alien or a cyborg from the future. She watched Ishida push up his glasses and argue with Kurosaki and imagined he was a secret agent, maybe with a licence to kill. She watched Inoue run after Kurosaki, skipping class with the lousiest excuse ever, and imagined she was secretly the hero's sidekick. She watched Kuchiki punch Kurosaki in the head and drag him off and thought that she was secretly a genius inventor supplying the hero. The talking robot that looked like a plushy supported her theory.

She watched Chizuru launch herself at Orihime and Tatsuki knock her away and thought they were reincarnation of ancient goddesses of love and war. She watched Keigo cry and believed he used to be a court jester in his past life. She watched the odd procession of transfer students appearing and disappearing at random times and wondered which planet they were from.

She watched their antics, gave them detentions and homework, smiled and let her imagination run wild. It was the only way an ordinary woman could keep her sanity in the madhouse that was Karakura High.

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A.N.: I realized Occhi-sensei is the most awesome character in the series. Just how can she bear teaching Ichigo's class without going crazy?


	18. First aid

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Karin, Karin's friends (Kei is the one who looks like Ronald McDonald.)

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+.+

"Oh no, Kurosaki, he's not breathing!" Ryohei's voice interrupted Karin in the middle of ruffling Hitsugaya's hair. She turned around to se Toshiro's unmoving body lying on the ground. Hitsugaya inwardly cursed. He had used the Gikongan so why... and then he noticed the white pill lying on the ground several paces from his gigai. _It must have been knocked out during the fight, _he mused.

"He got killed by the explosion!" Kazuya wailed.

"Who's going to help us play soccer now?" Heita complained.

"He isn't dead," Karin shouted, shooting a glance at Toshiro's spiritual form.

"Well, technically speaking..." Rangiku began, but her captain interrupted her.

"Shut up, Matsumoto."

"We have to call the ambulance!" Kazuya suggested.

"We have to give him first aid!" Kei reminded them.

"Do you know how?" Ryohei asked.

"I think you should return to your gigai, taichou," Matsumoto said.

"He isn't breathing, so maybe mouth-to mouth?" Kei tried.

"I don't think I want to," Toshiro grimaced.

"Right," Kazuya agreed. "But who will do it?"

"I think you should hurry, taichou or they'll really do it," Matsumoto pointed out.

"He suggested it," Heita pointed at Kei.

"Yes, you do it," Ryohei joined.

Toshiro rushed to his gigai. Karin was struggling not to laugh.

"It's up to you," Kazuya said. Kei looked resigned.

Hitsugaya entered his body. There was a moment of disorientation as the spirit connected with the gigai before his senses finally kicked in. He immediately wished they didn't. There was another mouth on his. He immediately jerked away.

"It worked!" Ryohei cheered.

"Taichou got his first kiss!" Rangiku singsonged. "He's finally growing up! Though I've always thought it would be with a girl..."

Toshiro threw up.

"It must be concussion," Kazuya concluded. "We should really call the ambulance."

_I'm going to kill you, _Hitsugaya mouthed to Matsumoto.

Karin doubled over laughing.


	19. Snack

Genre: Mystery/Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Zaraki, Byakuya, Unohana, Yachiru

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=

"What have you done to Yachiru!" Kenpachi roared. This was enough for everybody within three kilometers to run in fear, but the man he was shouting at didn't even flinch.

"I have done nothing to your lieutant, Zaraki-taichou," Byakuya replied evenly.

"Nothing? Then why is she in the Fourth Division? This isn't nothing! And she's been at your manor! So I ask you for the last time, what have you done to her!"

"Please be quiet," a sweet voice interrupted. Both men immediately stiffened. No matter how tough they were, they didn't dare to stand up to Unohana. "Kusajishi-fukutaichou is going to fully recover." Zaraki's face brightened, his anger dissipating.

"Can I see her?"

"Yes," the healer nodded.

The big man headed for the door. Before he stepped through, he glared over his shoulder. "This isn't over. I'm going to find out what you did to her and make you pay."

================Earlier=================

Byakuya was standing in one of the many garden pavilions of the Kuchiki manor. The structure was a work of art as everything there, but it had lacked a finishing touch. That was why he had carved the words of a haiku into every post and was now covering them in polish of various colors. Others would have left such task to servants, but not him. Calligraphy was an art and the choice of the proper shade of polish could influence the resulting aesthetic appearance of the poems dramatically. That's why he didn't trust anyone else to do it right.

"Hey, Byakkun!" A cheerful girl's voice interrupted him. He closed his eyes in annoyance. The little pink menace was here again. He had nearly smeared the paint, but he quickly composed himself.

"What can I do for you, Kusajishi-fukutaichou?"

"I came for snacks!" _What else,_ Byakuya thought.

"Of course, Kusajishi-fukutaichou." He picked a box he had prepared especially for this occasion. Inside was his masterpiece, the cookie baked in the most perfect shape. Surely she would be satisfied and leave him alone after that. He turned around, offering the snack, just in time to see her finishing the second can of polish.

=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=

A.N.: It was just a matter of time before she ate something inedible.

White Snowball: If you registered, I could reply to your reviews.


	20. Visiting the family

Genre: Romance/Suspense

Rating: T

Characters: Chad, Hitsugaya, Chad's grandfather, Hitsugaya's grandmother

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

The war was finally over, leaving them the time to do the things they had always wanted, but didn't get around to. Chad decided to visit his grandfather. After all the things he saw and did he felt he sorely needed his guidance. It was true his Abuelo was dead, but thanks to his standing invitation to Soul Society it wasn't a problem.

So a paper with a scribbled address in his hand, he found himself wandering the streets of Rukongai again. He noted he wasn't that far from the place they had first charged in trying to save Rukia what seemed such a long time ago. He mused how he had missed his grandfather back then and what he would have done if he had met him.

He scanned the house numbers. 687, 688, 689 – there is it. He paused when he noticed a familiar figure approaching from the other direction. He nodded in greeting. The other person did the same.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Looking for my grandfather."

"Here?" Hitsugaya raised an eyebrow. Chad confirmed the address and nodded.

"Are you sure it's correct? That's where my grandmother lives. Look." He opened the door and startled two elderly people making out. Two pairs of eye went wide.

"Granny?"

"Abuelo?"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

A.N.: Don't ask me where did this come from.


	21. Haori

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Yamamoto, Kenpachi, Byakuya, Kyouraku

Warning: Spoilers for chapter 423.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Contains lines from chapter 423.

.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.

"You imbeciles! You all lost your captain haori?" Yamamoto bellowed. "I could understand if they were ripped, but what do you mean you lost them? And yet you still have that content looks on your faces. It really worries me."

The three haori-less captains looked utterly unrepentant.

"Sotaichou-sama," Byakuya spoke first. "I can easily have a replacement made for such a cheap haori."

"That's not what I'm talking about! And those aren't cheap haori, you fool!"

"For Kuchiki they probably are," Shunsui muttered.

"Listen up!" Yamamoto continued. "Victory isn't all that matters in battle! You must also care about the image you present!"

"Yama-jii was always an exhibitionist," Kyouraku explained to his colleagues.

"Just what do you think your captain haori are anyway?" the ancient general asked. It was meant to be a rhetorical question, but it wasn't taken as one.

"A pain in the ass," Kenpachi replied with a sneer.

"Cheap," Byakuya repeated with an aura of disdain.

"Stylish?" Shunsui offered with a goofy smile. Yamamoto looked ready to pop a vein.

"You morons!" the general shouted. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to make a new one?"

"Yare, yare, Yama-jii," Kyouraku drawled. "You sound like you make them yourself." Yamamoto remained silent. "Oh, sensei. You really do?"


	22. Message board

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: many

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.

**Seireitei message board**

From: Unohana-taichou

To: Everybody

Whatever is your opinion on Zaraki-taichou's hairstyle, keep it to yourself. Also, don't try to play any melodies on his bells. The Fourth Division is busy even without having to sew you together.

From: Yamamoto-sotaichou

To: Hitsugaya-taichou and Matsumoto-fukutaichou

I had it with you two. If I see another complaint from you accusing each other of sexual harassment, I'm going to lock the both of you into a closet until you kiss and make up.

From: Zaraki-taichou

To: Unohana-taichou

You were the one playing with my bells. Don't do it ever again. It gave Yachiru ideas.

From: Kurotsuchi-taichou

To: Everybody

Buy our new Memory Chikan! It replaces incriminating memories with new ones so weird nobody would believe them!

From: Yamamoto-sotaichou

To: Ukitake-taichou and Kyouraku-taichou

Stop hazing to new captains! What have you done to Hitsugaya-taichou? He flinches every time he has to attend a captains' meeting.

From: Matsumoto-fukutaichou

To: Everybody

I'm having a party tonight! Come!

From: Yamamoto-sotaichou

To: Hitsugaya-taichou and Matsumoto-fukutaichou

I warned you.

From: Kyouraku-taichou

To: Yamamoto-sotaichou

Why do you always suspect us? We didn't do anything! Ask Ichimaru about that one!

From: Unohana-taichou

To: Everybody

Please, don't try to grab a feel of Matsumoto-fukutaichou's chest. She isn't going to let you. The Fourth Division is busy even without having to fix your broken nose.

From: Ukitake-taichou

To: Yamamoto-sotaichou

We did nothing! Didn't you notice that Zaraki and Kurotsuchi always argue right above his head?

From: Yamamoto-sotaichou

To: Soifon-taichou

If you absolutely have to have a pet cat, make sure it stays in your barracks. My fukutaichou is allergic to cat fur.

From: Hitsugaya-taichou

To: Matsumoto-fukutaichou

You have paperwork tonight. No party or I'll freeze you to the chair until you complete it.

From: Soifon-taichou

To: Yamamoto-sotaichou

Yoruichi II is perfectly well behaved. She doesn't run off and set of your allergy. Yes, I know it's you and not Sasakibe.

From: Yamamoto-sotaichou

To: Hitsugaya-taichou and Matsumoto-fukutaichou

You were supposed to make up, not blow up the building! I'm deducing the damage cost from your salary.

From: Unohana-taichou

To: Everybody.

Please, don't join in any drinking competition with Kyouraku-taichou. You are going to lose anyway. The Fourth division is running out on remedies for hangovers and alcohol poisoning.

From: Matsumoto-fukutaichou

To: Everybody

Help! Taichou is so mean to me! Save me!

From: Kotetsu-sanseki

To: Kotsubaki-sanseki

I'm not talking to you, monkey face.

From: Hitsugaya-taichou

To: Everybody

Don't even try.

From: Kurotsuchi-taichou

To: Everybody

Buy our newest Gikongan! 108 our best scientists calculated the perfect personality to get you into the most embarrassing situation possible!

From: Unohana-taichou

To: Kotetsu-fukutaichou

Please come back, Isane. There are no more fishcakes.

From: Kuchiki-taichou

To: Kusajishi-fukutaichou

Please, don't hold any more SWA meetings in my manor.

From: Kotsubaki-sanseki

To: Kotetsu-sanseki

Who cares, ugly girl.

From: Kotetsu-fukutaichou

To: Unohana-taichou

Are you sure?

From: Yachiru

To: SWA

We'll have a party at Byakushi's tonight! He needs cheering up!

From: Unohana-taichou

To: Kotetsu-fukutaichou

Yes, Isane, no more fishcakes in the whole division. It is safe to come back now.

From: Kuchiki-taichou

To: SWA

Don't come.

From: Unohana-taichou

To: Everybody

Please, take notice Hitsugaya-taichou is really a captain. He didn't steal the haori and he isn't playing dress-up. Please, refrain from mentioning such things in front of him. The Fourth Division is busy even without having to unfreeze you.

From: Yachiru

To: SWA

Bring snacks! And don't listen to Byakushi. He really needs cheering up.


	23. Exhibitionist

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Yamamoto, Central 46

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

:::::::::::::::::::::

"I still don't understand why it is a problem," Yamamoto Genryuusai-Shigekuni grumbled.

"It is a problem," an angry old voice sounded from the darkness on his left. Yamamoto suppressed an angry sigh. When he had founded the Gotei 13, he certainly hadn't imagined this. He was supposed to be the supreme commander and nobody should have any business ordering him around. It should be him doing the ordering, but the noble clans didn't want him to attain too much political power without having to answer to anybody, hence the creation of Central 46. Since the begging he had known the old buzzards were going to be trouble, and he wasn't mistaken.

"We have already received over a hundred complaints about your behavior," another screeching voice added.

"Who complained about me?" the sotaichou asked. Nobody had any right to complain about him. Once he found out who they were, he was going to let them know exactly how much he was displeased.

"That is confidential," a third, grating voice stated. Yamamoto briefly considered releasing Ryuujin Jakka on them just to make them quiet, but he decided against him. The nobles would be very angry with him and it could mean the end of the Thirteen Divisions, which would be an eternal shame. He had just founded them.

"Even if they complained, there's nothing wrong with my behavior. I do what I do to better purify the Hollows," he defended the position.

"By undressing yourself?" This speaker was a female. An old crone.

"The clothes are restraining my movement," he explained.

"Nobody else has a problem with it," somebody in a front row stated.

"There is also the intimidation factor," Yamamoto continued. "Some warrior tribes..."

"We don't care about some warrior tribes! This is about you! Discard your shirt if you must, but from now on keep your pants on!"


	24. Cueball

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Yachiru, Yamamoto

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

_.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._.-._

Yachiru was bored. Ken-chan was asleep, Baldy and Feathers were gone on a mission and the other members of the Eleventh weren't as much fun. She wanted to bother Byakushi, but he was gone as well. So she took into the streets of Seireitei, looking for anything to amuse herself with. She was almost beginning to despair, when she noticed a shiny head sticking from behind a wall. Baldy was back! She wasted no more time, jumped over the wall, landed on his shoulders and bit his head. Then she noticed that something was wrong. This didn't taste like Baldy's head. Baldy's head was soft and sweet and this one tasted like old leather.

"You're not Cueball," she said.

"Of course I'm not a cueball, silly child," Yamamoto bellowed massaging his aching scalp.

"I was looking for Cueball," Yachiru said.

"There's no cueball around here!" the sotaichou informed her. "Now leave, Kusajishi-fukutaichou."

"But I want to play," she said.

"Play somewhere else." He let out a bit of reiatsu, trying to scare her away. Lesser shinigami would have fainted, but Yachiru didn't seem to notice it.

"I like it here," she decided.

"You have no business being here. This is my private garden." He raised his reiatsu, but the pink-haired girl was completely unfazed.

"But I want to play here," she insisted. "I know! Let's play tag!" She jumped, hit Yamamoto's shoulder and leapt away. "You're it!" She stopped at the garden wall. "You're not playing!"

"That's right. I'm not playing," he confirmed.

"But you have to play! You are supposed to chase me!"

"I'm not supposed to do anything!" he roared, letting out really lot reiatsu. It was enough to make most captains tremble, but she only smiled.

"So you want to play with Ken-chan? I'll bring him right away!" she announced and ran off in the direction she thought were the 11th division barracks.

Yamamoto sat back in his chair, intent on resuming his peaceful slumber. It would be a long time before the girl found her way home and by the time she'd forget all about their encounter. And even if she didn't even Zaraki wasn't crazy enough to challenge him. Or so he hoped.


	25. Darwin Awards

Genre: tragedy/humor

Rating: T

Characters: mostly original (I won't kill off the main cast)

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

**Seireitei Darwin Awards**

Regarding the recent streak of completely avoidable deaths among our shinigami, we decided to compile a list of the most unnecessary ones. Let this list be a warning to you of what you absolutely shouldn't do, unless you want to star the next list of offenders of common sense. Bear in mind that it is no coincidence that so many of them are from the Eleventh Division.

10. Ito Aoba, Eleventh Division, unseated

His last words were: "This is such a weakling Hollow. I can beat it blindfolded with a hand tied behind my back." It turned out he couldn't.

9. and 8. Tendo Hachirou, Eleventh Division, Fourteenth seat and Momochi Aoba, Eleventh Division, Fifteenth Seat.

They indulged in their division's favorite pastime, fighting, drinking and then fighting some more. They got so drunk that they were laughing at their injuries, not realizing that they should call the Fourth. Both of them bled out.

7. Oda Ametatsu, Sixth Division, Fourth Seat.

He and his group encountered a powerful Hollow on patrol unexpectedly. Oda wanted to show-off in front of his girlfriend, who was in the group, and decided to take on it alone. His subordinates warned him, some of them saying that the Hollow might actually be an Adjucha and that they should call for reinforcements. Oda said that he's a Fourth Seat and can handle it alone. Unfortunately for him, the Hollow really was an Adjucha and it was only taken down after the arrival of captain Kuchiki, who was summoned by Oda's more sensible subordinates. For Oda it was already too late.

6. Kuroda Aoi, Twelfth Division, Nineteenth Seat

He couldn't remember whether he should pour the blue liquid into the experiment before the purple one or the other way around. He decided to go with his intuition and start with the blue one and completely ignore the written instructions laying on the table next to his left hand. The resulting explosion killed him and wounded two of his colleagues working in the same lab.

5. Kiganjou Kenpachi, Eleventh Division, Captain

"I'll drink whenever I want, whatever I want. I don't understand what are you so worried about. It's just some barbarian from Rukongai. There's no way he can defeat the strongest of the captains." Unfortunately for Kiganjou, there was a way. Zaraki offed him in one strike. The fight might have taken longer if he were sober.

4. Mifune Michiko, Second Division, Thirteenth Seat

When on a mission, she carried two vials. One contained a stimulant and was labeled red, the other contained poison and was labeled black. When a situation requiring the use of the stimulant arose, it was dark and she couldn't tell red from black. She decided to take her chance. As they say, if the chances are fifty-fifty, nine cases out of ten it ends badly. This was one of the nine cases.

3. Kamizuki Roujurou, Ninth Division, unseated

He and his friends wondered how is their captain able to walk around blind and decided to walk alone blindfolded to try it out. They picked a wrong spot to practice. Kamizuki walked off a cliff. Even the hastily summoned Fourth Division couldn't do anything for him.

2. Taira Yuudai, Eleventh Division, Eleventh Seat

He and his friend decided to stave off boredom by bullying the geeks in the Twelfth Division. They forced their way into SRDI, poked their heads into the labs and made fun of its occupants and their experiments. In one lab they spotted a particularly interesting device, it was made of glass tubes and valves filled with colorful bubbling liquids. "What the hell is this?" Taira asked, pushing the device and knocking it over. We don't know what it was, but it was highly explosive. Taira died on spot, his friend survived with serious wounds.

And the winner:

1. Minamoto Ryuuhei, you guessed it, Eleventh Division, Seventeenth Seat

He was seriously wounded in a battle with a Hollow. He was so depressed about his loss, that he decided to improve his mood by bullying the Fourth Division members trying to heal him. That caused a lack of necessary medical attention which in turn caused his death. A lesson for all Eleventh Divisioners: Please, don't bully the people who patch you up after you whack each other.


	26. Overworked

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Hitsugaya, Unohana, Ichimaru, mentions of other captains

A.N.: I wrote two versions of this and couldn't decide which one was better, so I present both.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach and I don't own the joke e-mail that inspired this.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It was a rare quiet day for Unohana. No major disaster happened today, even the regular Eleventh Division's Morning Brawl was unusually tame, so the Fourth Division wasn't busy for once. Unohana took the opportunity for a bit of relaxation and decided to take a walk around Seireitei and visit some people she hadn't visited for too long. Her journey took her to the office of the Tenth Division. There she found captain Hitsugaya sitting behind his desk, diligently fighting with a pile of paperwork that seemed almost as tall as him. After they exchanged their greetings, Unohana asked him a question.

"So you want to know why I always work so hard?" Hitsugaya replied. "Then, listen, I'll explain it to you.

Seireitei has thirteen captains. Three deserted us. That leaves ten. Ukitake is ill. That leaves nine. Kenpachi got lost on the way back from his last mission. That leaves eight. Kyouraku is perpetually drunk or hung-over. That leaves seven. Kurotsuchi is too engrossed in his experiments. That leaves six. Komamura has trouble holding a brush in his paws. That leaves five. Kuchiki is too busy tending to his clan. That leaves four. Soifon spends her time admiring pictures of Yoruichi. That leaves three. Yamamoto sleeps twenty hours a day. That leaves two. And you are here in my office asking why I'm overworked!"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Ichimaru was bugging Hitsugaya again.

"Yer no fun, lil' taichou," he drawled. "Why d'ya do all the paperwork?"

"I'll tell you," Hitsugaya replied. "There are thirteen captains in the Gotei 13. Ukitake is bedridden again. That leaves twelve. Kurotsuchi can't be bothered to do anything that isn't his experiments. That leaves eleven. Kenpachi got lost again because Yachiru was navigating. That leaves ten. Tousen is blind. That leaves nine. Kyouraku is drunk. That leaves eight. Komamura has trouble holding his brush. That leaves seven. Kuchiki is busy leading his clan. That leaves six. Aizen is away on a mission. That leaves five. Unohana has her hands full with healing the Eleventh Divisioners who beat up each other every morning. That leaves four. Soifon is off looking for any clue about Yoruichi's location. That leaves three. Yamamoto falls asleep every time he sits down. That leaves two. And you're here bugging me!"


	27. Replacement

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Nnoitra, Neliel, Aizen, Harribel

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

U.O.U.O.U.O.U.O.U.O.U.O.U.O.U.O.U.O.U.O.U.O.U.O.U.O.U

Nnoitra was happy. It was a rare occurrence for the Espada, but this day warranted it. He had just gotten rid of Neliel, the bane of his existence. Seeing the self-righteous busty woman turned into a little snot-nosed brat was the best sight of his entire life. She won't be following him around anymore, spouting her holier-than-though crap and hand his ass to him whenever he challenged her. She won't stand in his way anymore. He'd gain a rank in the Espada and there won't be any more woman standing above him, now that he had put the bitch in her rightful place below his feet. He had finally proven that women cannot be better warriors that men. The fact that he would have never managed without Szayelaporro's help was something he decided to ignore.

He headed towards the meeting hall. Aizen had announced that he had found a replacement for Neliel and that he'd introduce the new guy today. He didn't really care who it was going to be, as long as the guy was below him. And if he was above him, then he'd just challenge him and take his place. After dealing with the pompous bitch Neliel, it was going to be a piece of cake.

He took his rightful place at the table and waited for the last few stragglers to come. Once everybody was seated, Aizen started the meeting.

"Now everyone is here, let's begin with the most important point. Gentlemen, let me introduce your new comrade, Espada Trece, Tia Harribel."

On cue entered a blond, busty woman in a skimpy outfit. Nnoitra froze. A woman? Above him? Again?

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


	28. Socks

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Yumichika, Ikkaku

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. But I do own lots of mismatched pairs of socks.

.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.

"Oh, no, this is bad," Yumichika muttered while kneeling in front of his closet.

"What is?" Ikkaku asked from the door.

"I can't find any," the vain man explained.

"Can't find what?" his friend asked.

"Socks!"

"It looks to me like you have a full drawer of them," Baldy man remarked.

"But I can' wear any of them!" Feathers-chan exclaimed.

"Why not?" Ikkaku raised an eyebrow. "Aren't all socks the same?"

"Only new ones are," Yumichika explained. "But look here! A hole! And this one too! Oh, this one is good. But here's another torn one!"

"And why are all your socks torn?" the Third Seat inquired.

"It's all the wooden walkways. They aren't polished enough. Stupid Fourth Divisioners can't do their chores right. And because we are required to remove our sandals before stepping on them, a day of walking is all it takes to completely ruin our socks."

"Oh, poor little you," Madarame mocked. "Why do you insist on wearing socks? Do it like me!" He showed his friend his bare feet.

"That's not beautiful!"

"Why not?" Cueball raised an eyebrow. "You could show off your painted toenails."

"It just isn't," Ayasegawa replied. "Oh! There's another one!"

"Lucky you. Looks like you won't have to copy me today."

Yumichika smiled, but then his expression soured. "Oh no."

"What's wrong?" Ikkaku inquired. "You have two perfect socks."

"Yes, but both of them are left!" Yumichika showed him the not-quite-a-pair.

"I can see that's a problem," Madarame scratched his chin. "And what about this one? This one is right and there's no hole in it."

"That's the dirty pile," Yumichika pointed out.

"So?" Ikkaku shrugged. "It looks fine."

"Did you try smelling it?"

Ikkaku immediately dropped it. "No, thanks."

"It's no use," Yumichika complained. "There isn't a single clean pair of socks here."

"Then just go barefoot," Ikkaku suggested. "I bet nobody will notice."

"No. Just no. I'm going to wash the dirty ones."

"But we're supposed to meet captain in five minutes," the Third Seat reminded him. "You won't make it in time."

"So?" Yumichika shrugged. "If he can keep us waiting for half a day while he's putting his bells in his hair, he can wait for a couple of hours until I wash my socks."


	29. Flying gadget

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Ichigo, Yoruichi

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

:":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":

"So this artifact allows you to fly?" Ichigo asked wide-eyed.

"Yes," Yoruichi nodded.

"You just put your spiritual pressure into it and it flies?"

"I believe I've already said so," the cat woman replied.

"Yoruichi-san, where did you stash it?" the redhead questioned.

"What?"

"You were a cat," the boy elaborated. "You didn't even have any clothes on when you changed back. So it looks like you can't keep anything on you when you transform. So where did you stash this?"

Yoruichi smiled suggestively and leant closer. "Where do you think I stashed it?" Ichigo turned redder than his hair.

"You... you... did you put it there?"

"Hmmm, where else?" she licked her lips. "After all, as a cat I have no pockets."

"That's... that's..." Ichigo couldn't take it anymore and his brain shut down to prevent further damage. Yoruichi looked at him and shook her head.

"So innocent and so easy," she muttered. "Can't he guess I have secret stashes all around the Seireitei?"


	30. Candy testing

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Kyouraku, Ukitake, Amagai

A.N.: Based on the "New Captain Amagai Shuusuke" anime filler arc.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#

"What's going on in here?" asked Kyouraku Shunsui when he came to visit his old friend Ukitake Jyuushiro and found his room full of bags of candy of all imaginable kinds, most of which he had never seen before.

"Oh, I'm putting together another gift package for my fellow Shiro-chan," the white-haired man explained. "I have the feeling that he didn't like the gifts I gave him previously so I'm looking for something he'd find irresistible. I sent Kiyone and Sentarou to the Living World to bring me all possible kinds of sweets, preferably something exotic, and this is what they brought back."

"Are you going to give him all of this?" the pink-clad man questioned. "It's enough for a year."

"That's why I'm looking for the best," his sickly friend replied. "Care to help me?"

"I'm all ways glad to help, but how can I tell what's good? I was never much into candy myself and I doubt he'd touch it if the bag were open."

"Then just look for a cool name," Ukitake suggested.

"Hmmm... Gummy Bears, Sour Earthworms?" he frowned. "Whoever thought to name candy like that? I cant imagine anyone buying something with such a stupid name. Petite chocolates, Sweet Strawberry, Licorice sticks, Rum Gingerbread, now that one sounds cool."

"Rum Gingerbread?" Jyuushirou looked up from his pile of candy. "What were the two thinking? That's completely unsuitable for a child."

"Hitsugaya is a big boy," Kyouraku replied.

"He's still a child," Ukitake insisted.

"And besides, I doubt there is really any rum in it. Certainly not enough to have any effect."

"We can't be sure," the white-haired man decided. "I'd better not give it to him."

"And what if this is the one kind of candy he won't be able to resist?" Shunsui teased.

"I still cannot take the chance. Alcohol is bad for children."

"We can make sure," Shunsui suggested.

"How?" Ukitake inquired. Kyouraku leaned closer and smiled conspiratorially.

"Listen."

#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#.#

"Thanks for the invitation," Amagai Shuusuke smiled. "So what did you two want to talk to me about?"

"We wanted to finish our talk about the joint division training," Ukitake replied. "Last time it was cut short."

"Sorry about that," Amagai said in embarrassment, remembering how he got drunk on alcohol fumes.

"Don't worry," Shunsui reassured him, "this time there's not a single drop of sake around. We're drinking only tea."

"Thank you," the newest captain answered sincerely. "And what is this?" he pointed at a bowl containing strange little cakes.

"Gingerbread," Jyuushiro answered. "It's a kind of western sweets. My Third Seats brought it from the Living World. It's really good," he said popping one into his mouth.

"Then I'll have to try one too." He took one and chewed on it, noting its strange sweet taste. Then he noticed that the pair of older captains was watching him intently. He wondered what was going on, but before he could ask, he felt the world around him spinning and he passed out.

Kyouraku and Ukitake were staring at his happily sleeping form.

"Wow," Shunsui remarked, "who would have thought there really was enough rum in it."


	31. Cracked

Genre: Action, Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Ichigo, Byakuya

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

$.$.$.$.$.$.$.$.$.$.$.$.$.$.$.$.$.$.$.$

"Neither of us has much energy left," Captain Kuchiki said. "Let's make the final strike our last."

"Yeah," Ichigo agreed, "Let me ask you one last time: Why won't you save Rukia?"

"I'll answer your question if you can defeat me," the head of the Kuchiki clan answered. "Senbonzakura Kageyoshi: Final stage: Hakuteiken."

"Amazing," Ichigo grinned as the white blade appeared in Byakuya's hands. "I have to apologize, I don't have any impressive technique like that. The only thing Zangetsu taught me is Getsuga Tenshou. The only thing I can do now is compress my reiatsu into one final strike. Let's go, Kuchiki Byakuya!"

Black and white clouds of energy surrounded the combatants. Their spiritual pressure spiked even higher than before. They surged forward with superhuman speed, intend on pulverizing each other to dust. The two monstrous clouds of energy clashed with a great explosion before dissipating. There was ominous silence for a moment. The two combatants stood motionlessly, facing away from each other. Then the ground rumbled and the Soukyouku Hill crumbled. The overhang that had been hit by the aftershock of the destruction of Soukyouku, Senbozakura Kageyoshi and several other techniques and cut deeply into by two black Getsuga Tenshou, finally couldn't keep its internal integrity and collapsed, sending both men plummeting to the ground.

They landed hard amongst the rubble, but somehow both of them survived. Byakuya lay on the ground, raising his head, his face remaining impassive even as blood was flowing from his numerous wounds freely. Even though he was on the verge of fainting, he refused to abandon his dignity of a noble. Ichigo threw away a piece of rubble that had landed on him and tried to get up, but his arms couldn't support him and he fell down again.

"Crap," Ichigo cursed. "I really didn't count on this. It looks like gravity won."


	32. Shinsou

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Ichimaru, Shinsou

A.N.: Please, excuse my pathetic attempt at Ichimaru's accent.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

"_"_"_"_"_"_"_"_"_"_"_"_"

The silver-haired boy eyed the sword in his hand with excitement. _So Shinsou's yer name, _he thought. _Sounds cool._

_Of course it does, _the zanpakutou answered. _I am cool._

'_Course yer cool__, _Gin replied. _Now let's see how cool y'er._

_Do you remember the command?_

_O' c__ourse! Who d'ya think I'm?_

_A little punk who just left the Academy? _Shinsou offered.

_Hey! I'll let ya know, 'm one o' ta best._

_If you say so, _the spirit shrugged. _Now stop talking and show it._

'_ere we go, _Ichimaru thought. "Shoot to death, Shinsou!" The short blade in his hand extended rapidly. It grew and grew and grew, cutting through several tree branches in the process. Gin's ever-present smile widened. Now that was a weapon! He could pierce anybody through before they knew what happened. Maybe he'd be finally able to get rid of that pesky Third Seat.

Shinsou stopped growing and Ichimaru admired its simplistic beauty. But then he realized something: The blade was heavy. He tried to keep it upright, but he failed. He lost his balance and fell on the dirty ground, the blade retracting and falling next to him.

_Crap, _the young prodigy thought. _What was 'at?_

_It's called the law of physics, _Shinsou informed him gleefully. _It looks like you'd have to learn a lot more than proper grammar before you can use me, cool boy._


	33. Injured

Genre: Humor/Mystery

Rating: K+

Characters: Unohana, Matsumoto

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

?.?.?.?.?.?.?.?.?.?.?.?.?.?.?.?.?.?.?

"There you go, Matsumoto-fukutaichou," Unohana said. "It is healed now, but you should avoid putting any strain on it for the next couple of days."

"Thank you, Unohana-taichou," the busty blonde replied with a smile. "Now I have a medical reason not to sit behind my desk."

"If I may inquire," the head of the medical staff asked, "how did you acquire frostbite at such places?"

"Thanks to disbelief," the younger woman answered.

"Disbelief?" Unohana raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, disbelief," Matsumoto nodded. "When taichou told me to do my paperwork or he'd freeze me to the chair, I didn't believe he'd actually do it."


	34. Message board 2

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: too many to name individually

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Seireitei message board 2**

From: Hitsugaya-taichou

To: Everybody

I'd like everyone to remember that my name is Hitsugaya-taichou, not Hitsugaya kun, not Shiro-chan and HELL NO "sweet little cutie-pie Shiro-wiro." I refuse to be held responsible for what happens to people who cannot use my proper title.

From: Kotetsu Kiyone

To: Kotsubaki Sentarou

I'm really never, ever talking to you again, Ape-man. I mean it.

From: Soifon-taichou

To: Everybody

Did you see a black cat? If so, please tell me where did Yoruichi II go.

From: Yamamoto-sotaichou

To: Hitsugaya-taichou

You cannot freeze people just because you don't like the way they address you. If you do, I refuse to be held responsible for what happens to you. Oh, and before I forget, I'm sending somebody to examine your collection of life-sized, anatomically perfect ice statues.

From: Unohana-taichou

To: Eleventh Division

Please cease bullying my subordinates and beating them up. Otherwise the next time you beat each other bloody during your regular brawls there would be nobody to patch you up.

From: Kotsubaki Sentarou

To: Kotetsu Kiyone

I really don't care, Booger-Girl. Not even a tiny little bit.

From: Yamada Hanatarou

To: Anybody

Help! There are Hollows in the sewers! I was attacked by one that looked like a cat! I barely fought it off!

From: Zaraki-taichou

To: Aramaki Makizou

Take care of Yachiru. She's sick and we have to go on a mission.

From: Ukitake-taichou

To: Sweet Little Cutie-Pie Shiro-Wiro

Happy Birthday, Shiro-chan! Here are your presents and your favorite candy! I hope you like them!

From: Madarame Ikkaku

To: Unohana-taichou

It's not our fault your subordinates are such wimps. We're doing our best to toughen them up

From: Aramaki Makizou

To: Fourth Division

Help! What am I supposed to do with a sick kid? Yachiru sneezes and coughs all the time!

From: Hitsugaya-taichou

To: Ukitake-taichou

Thanks for the thought, but its not even my birthday. And what were the platform shoes supposed to mean? Are you deliberately goading me?

From: Soifon-taichou

To: Yamada Hanatarou

So it was you who hurt Yoruichi II! I'll get to you as soon as I finish with the ice statues.

From: Iemura Yasochika

To: Aramaki Makizou

Don't you Eleventh-Division types know anything? Give her some cough medicine and tea.

From: Ayasegawa Yumichika

To: Unohana-taichou

Being week isn't beautiful. As Ikkaku said, we're helping your subordinates.

From: Matsumoto-fukutaichou

To: Ukitake-taichou

What taichou meant to say was that he liked your gift a lot. He wore it in his room when he thought nobody could see him and pretended he was all grown-up. He looked so cute.

From: Ukitake-taichou

To: Everybody

Who took my cough medicine? Please give it back. It's a special mixture and available only on prescription. It's dangerous to take it, especially if you don't know the correct dose. You don't want to know what happens when you overdose.

From: Soifon-taichou

To: Yamamoto-sotaichou

Where did you say Hitsugaya's ice statues collection was again? I cannot find it anywhere.

From: Unohana-taichou

To: Kurotsuchi-taichou

I don't care what kind of research you do, but please keep it contained within your laboratory. If one of your experiments escapes again, I'm having you personally scrub every little drop of blood left in its trail.

From: Kotetsu Kiyone

To: Ukitake-taichou

I'm sorry I didn't guard your cough medicine properly! Punish me!

From: Yamamoto-sotaichou

To: Hitsugaya-taichou

Don't hide the evidence, or I'll consider it a confession of your guilt.

From: Sasakibe-fukutaichou

To: Everybody

Who took my tea? It was a special brand that costs a year's wage! I'm going to make you pay.

From: Unohana-taichou

To: Yamada Hanatarou

Where are you? You missed the last officer's meeting. That's not like you.

From: Kotsubaki Sentarou

To: Ukitake-taichou

I'm more sorry! Punish me more!

From: Yamamoto-sotaichou

To: Shiba Kuukaku

When you have to test your Kakaku Cannon, please don't aim it at Seireitei. Thought some of the younger shinigami enjoyed the fireworks, it disrupter the order of Seireitei. Your family might be disgraced if you keep it up.

From: Kuchiki-taichou

To: Zaraki-taichou

Do you even realize you are responsible for the actions of your subordinates? Today Kusajishi-fukutaichou ran into my estate, tore down the whole east wing, caught all the fish in my koi ponds and roasted them over the fire from my prized cherry-blossom trees. When my servants attempted to stop her, she chased them away using my priceless collection of antique weapons and threw roof tiles from the west wing after them. I'll send the repair bill to you the moment I finish evaluating the damage. I'm sure you'll be paying for the next three millennia, if you live that long. P.S.: Come and get that pink menace down from that tree. If you don't, I'm going to use Senbonzakura on her.

From: Hitsugaya-taichou

To: Yamamoto-sotaichou

I don't know what are you talking about. Despite what everybody thinks, my ice statues aren't the frozen bodies of people I didn't like. You can come look yourself.

From: Shirogane Mihane

To: Rikichi

Though your admiration of Abarai-fukutaichou is commendable, the new tattoos and bleached hair don't make you look like him, but like an idiot. You're embarrassing the entire division. Try buying the same sunglasses as Abarai-fukutaichou instead. We're having a sale.

From: Yamamoto-sotaichou

To: Zaraki-taichou and Kuchiki-taichou

You know captains aren't supposed to fight each other. You're both in trouble.

From: Kotetsu Kiyone

To: Kotsubaki Sentarou

Don't copy me, Monkey-Face!

From: Soifon-taichou

To: Yamamoto-sotaichou

I examined the statues. It's really just ice. I believe it's just a coincidence one of them looks like Matsumoto. They are very pretty statues. I especially appreciate the one that looks like Hanatarou.

From: Shiba Kuukaku

To: Yamamoto-sotaichou

My family was already disgraced, you senile old fart! I'll aim my cannon wherever I want! By the way, what are the coordinates to your house?

From: Unohana-taichou

To: Everybody

Please try not to get severely injured today. Between Kurotsuchi's runaway experiment, Yachiru's rampage and the fight between Kuchiki-taichou and Zaraki-taichou, the Fourth Division Relief Station is already bursting at the seams. We weren't so busy since the last war.

From: Yamamoto-sotaichou

To: Hitsugaya-taichou

That doesn't count as a proof of your innocence. You had enough time to switch them.

From: Kuchiki-taichou

To: Yamamoto-sotaichou

The barbarian attacked me. I was merely defending myself.

From: Kotsubaki Sentarou

To: Kotetsu Kiyone

Who would ever copy you, Shrimp?

From: Shiba Ganjuu

To: Yamamoto-sotaichou

Big sister can aim her cannon wherever she wants! And Seireitei is the perfect target. Lots of shinigami inside.

From: Zaraki-taichou

To: Yamamoto-sotaichou

Nobody gets away with threatening Yachiru. I had to put the flower-wielding pansy to his place.

From: Rikichi

To: Shirogane Mihane

Just how rich do you think I am? Even Renji cannot afford your goods. And I spent the last of my wages in the tattoo parlor.

From: Kuchiki Rukia

To: Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentarou

Why did you two have to start talking to each other again? It was so peaceful here while you didn't.


	35. Coach potato

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Aizen, Ichimaru

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Ichimaru entered the observation room in Las Noches. Quite unsurprisingly, he found Aizen there with his eyes glued to the big screen. It was becoming an increasingly common sight lately.

"Watchin' Ichigo again?" he asked when he saw the redhead sitting in the classroom.

"Yes," the evil mastermind replied.

"We should be recruiting more Arrancar," the fox-like man pointed out.

"This is more important," the brown-haired traitor answered.

"Ye'r turnin' into a coach potato," Gin stated.

"I'm not," Aizen disagreed. "I'm merely monitoring his progress. You know information is key."

"Monitoring 'is progress?" Ichimaru tilted his way. "He'sn't doin' nuthin. He's just sitting in t' class."

"Everything is important, Gin," Aizen explained. "Anything can happen at any moment. Look." Gin turned his eyes to the screen. Occhi-sensei just called on Ichigo and asked him a question about the subject. The Strawberry, having spent previous three nights chasing after minor Hollows, was nearly asleep on his feet and couldn't remember the answer. He spent the next minute stuttering and trying to guess with hilarious results, until Occhi-sensei dismissed him with an F.

"Yer right," the silver-haired man said. "Something did happen." As he said it, Rukia hit Ichigo on the head. He didn't catch what for, but Ichigo's annoyed expression was priceless.

"Indeed," Aizen nodded with a smile. "This is far more interesting that any soap opera." Gin's ever-present grin widened and he settled down next to his leader.

"So d'ya have some popcorn?"


	36. Message board 3

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: A lot of them.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

**Seireitei Message Board 3**

From: Anonymous

To: Hisagi-fukutaichou

Does the 69 tattoo on your face mean what I think it means?

From: Rikichi

To: Hitsugaya-taichou

If I give you candy, will you make Christmas come early?

From: Ise-fukutaichou

To: Everybody

Did anyone see my book? I must have misplaced it. I need it to hit my taichou on the head. The fan isn't as effective.

From: Hisagi-fukutaichou

To: Anonymous

If you want to ask such question, at least have the guts to sign your name. If you really want to know, I can tell you this evening. I'll be on the training grounds with Kazeshini.

From: Kurotsuchi-taichou

To: Everybody

I need live test subjects. Any volunteers?

From: Hitsugaya-taichou

To: Rikichi

No.

From: Kyouraku-taichou

To: Everybody

Whoever found Nanao-chan's book, please don't give it back. You'll have my undying gratitude. I'll even give you my best sake.

From: Kuchiki Rukia

To: Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentarou

Can you stop arguing at least for a while? My ears are going to fall off.

From: Anonymous

To: Hisagi-fukutaichou

No, thanks. Why do you think I didn't introduce myself?

From: Yamamoto-sotaichou

To: Kyouraku-taichou

Stop giving free sake to everybody who brings you a big book. We don't need any more drunken shinigami than we already have.

From: Rikichi

To: Hitsugaya-taichou

But Renji said you'll do it.

From: Yamamoto-sotaichou

To: Shiba Kuukaku

I already told you, be careful where you aim that thing. Your last firework narrowly missed my roof, fell into the koi pond in my garden and threw the fish all over the grass. I even found one in my room! I'd greatly appreciate if it didn't happen again.

From: Kotsubaki Sentarou

To: Kuchiki Rukia

It's her fault.

From: Anonymous

To: Kurotsuchi-taichou

Are you mad? Scratch it, stupid question.

From: Hitsugaya-taichou

To: Abarai-fukutaichou

Stop telling your subordinates such nonsense, unless you want to experience cryogenesis.

From: Kotetsu Kiyone

To: Kuchiki Rukia

It's his fault!

From: Kurotsuchi-taichou

To: Everybody

No one? Come on! You can help the advancement science! And if that's not enough, Nemu will do strip-tease before I cut you up.

From: Shiba Kuukaku

To: Yamamoto-sotaichou.

Sorry, old man, it won't happen again. I'm calculating new parameters already. So was it 87m to the north and 48m to the west? I guess that's about right if I remember the layout of your garden correctly.

From: Abarai-fukutaichou

To: Hitsugaya-taichou

But Ukitake-taichou said you love candy.

From: Yamamoto-sotaichou

To: Soifon-taichou

Please, don't run around Seireitei chasing after every black cat screaming "Yoruichi-sama" every time you see one. It has bad effect on the morale when your subordinates think you are crazy.

From: Anonymous

To: Kurotsuchi-taichou

It's official. You are crazy.

From: Kuchiki Rukia

To: Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentarou

Forget I asked.

From: Shiba Ganjuu

To: Yamamoto-sotaichou

Big Sis won't miss again!

From: Abarai-fukutaichou

To: Kuchiki-taichou

Your favourite hairdresser called that they're closed today. They are apologizing for having to postpone your appointment. It looks like you'd really have to use Senbonzakura to cut your hair.

From: Anonymous

To: Yamamoto-sotaichou

Is it even legal to have crazy captains?

From: Hitsugaya-taichou

To: Abarai-fukutaichou

If you believed him, you're even dumber than I thought.

From: Unohana-taichou

To: Everybody

Who wrote "The fishcakes are coming for you!" on Kotetsu-fukutaichou's door? She locked herself in the basement and I can't convince her to come out.

From: Yamamoto-sotaichou

To: Anonymous

It's all we have.


	37. Ichimaru's thoughts

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Ichigo, Ichimaru

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

_.-=*^*=-._

"You're an interesting kid," Gin commented nonchalantly. "I remember fighting you and thinking: What an interesting kid."

"I don't remember it," Ichigo replied. His grip on Tensa Zangetsu was unwavering, his eyes alert for any sign of the traitorous captain attacking. Ichimaru showed no intention of doing so. For now, he seemed perfectly content with just talking, but the redhead knew that could change in the blink of an eye.

"What? You already forgot our fight?" Gin somehow managed to look hurt.

"No," Kurosaki shook his head, "I remember our fight, but I don't remember you thinking this. When I'm fighting somebody, I can feel their hearts through their swords. The stronger the opponent, the stronger their heart is conveyed. You weren't even thinking about our fight."

"You are a creepy kid," the silver-haired captain commented. "So tell me, what I was thinking about?"

"What's going to be for dinned and how to get under lieutenant Matsumoto's shihakusho."


	38. Pink

A.N.: Sorry that I don't update this as often as I used to, but I'm currently low on funny Bleach oneshots ideas. There once used to be a bunch of reviewers, that used to write prompt in their reviews, which inspired me to write, but neither of them reviewed in a long time.

Genre: Humor/Friendship

Rating: K+

Characters: Renji, Rukia

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

It was shortly after the betrayal of Aizen, Tousen and Ichimaru and the life in Seireitei was quiet once again. Sure, everybody knew it was just the calm before the storm, but that didn't prevent them from enjoying the peace anyway (if they weren't currently busy preparing for war). In a rare moment of quiet, Renji took the opportunity to visit Rukia and mend their broken relationship. He found her at the Kuchiki manor, where she was recovering from her loss of power. She was happy to see him and they spent the time walking through the Kuchiki gardens, catching up with each other and talking about old times.

"So I heard you've achieved Bankai," Rukia said. Renji beamed.

"Yes! I'm one step closer to surpassing Kuchiki-taichou! Do you want to see it?" Now Rukia's eyes lit up.

"You'd show me?" He nodded. "Really?"

"Yes," he confirmed. "Come."

They headed for the nearest training grounds. Once there, Renji drew Zabimaru.

"Bankai! Hihio Zabimaru!" he called. The katana turned into a giant bone-snake with a baboon's skull and a fluffy pelt adorned with a skull appeared on Renji's shoulders. "So how do you like it?" He asked.

Rukia eyed him critically. "It's big and it looks strong," she said. "but..."

"But what?" he prompted.

"It's pink."

"What?" he blinked in confusion.

"Your fur coat," she explained. "It's pink."

"It's not pink!" he protested. "It's..." he paused. Just what do you call that color? It wasn't girlish pinky-pink, but what else could it be? "Well, I suppose it is a bit pinkish," he admitted. "But it's still a strong Bankai!"

"But it's pink!" Rukia repeated. "Who is going to take you seriously when they see you wearing pink?"

"Everybody takes a Bankai seriously!" Renji objected. "And besides, Kuchiki-taichou's zanpakutou is pink too. And nobody calls him girly."

"But that's nii-sama," the girl replied like it explained everything. "He's so strong and awesome that it wouldn't matter if he wore all pink, he'd be still manly. And besides, his pink is a real shiny pink, not that washed out faded brown shade of yours."

"So it's brown!" Renji exclaimed.

"No, it's ugly washed-out pink," Rukia insisted.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Renji demanded. "First you laugh that my Bankai is pink, and then you complain that it isn't pink enough?"

"I don't complain about it," she corrected. "I'm just saying it isn't as pretty pink as nii-sama's!"

"Bankai isn't supposed to look pretty anyway," he retorted.

"You're saying that just because your looks silly," she stated.

"Hey! You have no right to speak about looking silly!" Renji protested. "I bet if you ever achieve Bankai, though I doubt it, it is going to look like a giant Chappy!"

"Don't you dare insult Chappy, you pink-wearing moron!" Rukia shouted punctuating her statement with a kick. Renji winced. Even without her spiritual power, she could still kick like a mule.

"What's so great about Chappy anyway?" he retorted. "It's just some stupid rabbit!"

"That's it! I'm never talking to you again!" She turned on her heel and stormed off. Renji sighed. His attempt at mending bridges didn't go as he had hoped. He'd try again tomorrow. He should bring some flowers. And if it didn't work, he should bring flowers and chocolate next time. And if even that didn't help, well, then he'd have to swallow his pride and buy a Chappy plushie. There's no way Rukia would be able to resist that.


	39. Movie festival

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Yamamoto, Sasakibe, Sui-feng, Kurotsuchi Mayuri, Hitsugaya, Zaraki and more

Warning: Based on anime episode 298, contains spoilers. Also might be harder to understand without seeing the episode.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Seireitei movie festival – Director's cut**

We have seen the Fourth and Seventh cooperating on a movie about animals. We have seen Kiyone and Sentarou following Ukitake-taichou around with a camera, documenting his ordinary day. We've seen Yumichika following Zaraki-taichou around with a camera, as he fought anybody he came across, so basically the same idea as the Thirteenth had. It's anybody's guess whose movie would show more blood. We've seen Kyouraku-taichou trying and failing to convince his Nanao-chan to co-star with him in an adult movie. Too bad nobody captured her hitting him on the head afterwards, it must have been spectacular. We've seen the lieutenants of the captainless divisions trying to put together a script. And we've finally seen Renji's opus magnum, which Kuchiki-taichou used as a flimsy excuse to try and kill Kurosaki Ichigo.

But what were the others doing?

Yamamoto-sotaichou had initially declared that he was above such indignity, but Sasakibe-fukutaichou eventually convinced him that as the leader, he should set an example. Because Yamamoto still refused to make a clown of himself, they decided on a documentary, where the ancient general would sit in his chair and tell the current generation of shinigami about his magnificent fights and give sage advice. The shooting was a bit complicated, because he tended to fall asleep at random times, so a lot of the footage had to be cut. But it didn't really matter, because most of the viewers were fast asleep at the time too. It was their loss; they missed the moment Zaraki's party crashed through the wall and startled the sleeping Yamamoto into falling off his chair. (Yamamoto wanted this scene cut, but Sasakibe left it there, because it was hilarious.)

Sui-Feng decided to make a remake of Catwoman. She never saw the movie, she didn't even know what it was about, but the title sounded cool. It reminded her of Yoruichi. So she prowled around Seireitei in her catgirl costume, being shot by perfectly disguised members of Onmitsukidou, until she ran into Unohana and Komamura working on their animal movie. Unohana quickly drafted her into her cast as another of the helpful animals. It nearly turned into a movie about cats and dogs squabbling, until the shooting was disrupted by Zaraki's party (again). Afterwards it turned into a documentary on why you should never piss off Unohana.

The Twelfth had trouble deciding whether they should do an educational video (everything Kurotsuchi-taichou suggested was something only he understood), a movie about a mad scientist and his poor abused daughter (don't ask what happened to the poor sod who suggested it), or a film about mutant monsters. Then the laboratory got crashed by a horde of barbarians (Eleventh Division's crew) and they quickly settled on an action movie documenting the superiority of a technological civilization over a warlike primitive tribe. It didn't go according to the script, nobody was able to take down Zaraki.

Hitsugaya headed to the Living World to shoot a documentary about the icebergs in Antarctica. He considered it a very fascinating subject, therefore he was quite disappointed when only a handful of people showed in the theater. Despite that, it was the only movie that actually made any profit: the production cost was virtually zero and he didn't cause any destruction. As a bonus, he also escaped the mayhem that nearly destroyed Seireitei, was the only one whose shooting wasn't interrupted by Zaraki and he didn't have to pay any damage cost. That is, until he was blamed for not reining in Matsumoto.


	40. How?

Genre: Humor/Mystery

Rating: K+

Characters: Hitsugaya, Kurotsuchi Mayuri

Author's note: This is a fanfic of a fanfic. It's based on the story **Numbers **by **Riza Winters. **I recommend it for reading, as her other stories, they're great. If you don't want to read it, here's a short summary to explain the situation.

During the battle of the fake Karakura town, Aizen was badly wounded by Ichigo and had to retreat to Las Noches, where he spent years recovering and gaining more power. He also cut the access to Hueco Mundo to all shinigami. Neither Urahara nor Kurotsuchi were able to find a way through. Then Matsumoto was kidnapped and taken to Hueco Mundo. Hitsugaya went after her. Nobody knows how he did it.

Now everybody's back in Soul Society, so on with the story:

-...-...-...-...-...-...-

"It's so good to have you back, Captain Hitsugaya." It was a strange thing to hear from Kurotsuchi Mayuri, but the Twelfth Division Captain somehow made it sound sincere. If Hitsugaya didn't know him better, he might be even fooled. But considering their long history of mutual antipathy, he knew that the older man wanted something from him.

"Thank you, Kurotsuchi-taichou," he replied neutrally. "What do you want from me?"

"Why would I ever need something from you, insolent child?" the clown-faced man snapped. Hitsugaya shot him a cold glare. Remembering the rumors about the younger captain's fight against Aizen, the mad scientists backed off. "Of course I don't need anything from you," he said in a calmer tone. "I've been just wondering... how did you get to Hueco Mundo? I've been trying for years, and every time I thought I found a way through Aizen's barrier, he added a new layer to it. It was impossible to keep in resonance with all the frequencies. So how did you, retarded brat, get through in just a day?"

"Watch your language," Hitsugaya replied coolly. "I see no reason to tell you anything if you proceed to insult me."

"You must tell me! I demand it for the advancement of science! How could you find a way around all of Aizen's precautions? Getting around just two of them would be too complicated for someone of your intelligence and there were many more than that."

"Really?" Hitsugaya raised an eyebrow. "It wasn't complicated at all. In fact, it was very easy."

"Easy, you say? But all the time spent in research, all the necessary equipment..."

"Was completely unnecessary," the younger captain cut in. "In the end, Aizen's defenses weren't worth the effort he put in them."

"So how did you get through?"

"I caught a Hollow and convinced it to give me a ride."

"It couldn't be possibly that easy!" Kurotsuchi screamed.

"Well," Hitsugaya shrugged, "it took a lot of Hollows."


	41. Seven Wonders

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: A lot of them

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach. I still don't own Bleach. I forgot to add it in the last chapter, so I'm making up for it now.

**Seven Wonders of Soul Society**

There are many wondrous things within the city of Seireitei and the organization of Gotei 13. Many of them can be credited to the effort of its most brilliant members. But some of them resist any attempt at explanation. Here are the most notable of them:

Every captain must have achieved Bankai. Zaraki Kenpachi is said to be the only one to ever reach captaincy without even knowing the name of his zanpakutou. But Yoruichi was a captain without even having one (that anyone knew of).

Tousen Kaname is blind. Despite that, he manages most of the paperwork in his divisions and sometimes helps out the Third and the Fifth. And Gotei 13 doesn't use the Braille letters. Does the Path of Justice allow him to see the writing?

There have been multiple battles atop the Soukyouku Hill. When Ichigo came to rescue Rukia. When the Bounto attacked. During the Diamond Dust Rebelion. During the Zanpakutou rebellion. It had been cut deeply into with several Black Getsugas. The overhang should have collapsed a long time ago. Yet there is absolutely no damage visible.

Zaraki Kenpachi spends his days either looking for a fight or sleeping. Yachiru thinks paper is for drawing only. Ikkaku thinks writing is for sissies. Yumichika is too busy applying his makeup and styling his hair. Yet the Eleventh Division always turns their paperwork in on time and impeccably filled.

Kyouraku Shunsui drinks only sake. Yet he never suffers from alcohol poisoning. Even the constant hits on the head courtesy of Ise-fukutaichou don't cause any brain damage.

Hitsugaya Toushirou is one of the thirteen highest-ranking officers in Gotei 13. He is trusted with the lives of hundreds of shinigami under his command. Yet he cannot enter a public baths without a guardian.

Kurotsuchi Mayuri is insane. He had proven of multiple times that he's a threat to his subordinates. Yet nobody ever thought of shipping him back to the Maggots Nest after Urahara got him out.


	42. Conspiracy?

Genre: Humor/Mystery

Rating: K

Characters: Hitsugaya, Matsumoto

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

...===...===...===...===...===...

"I just don't get it," Hitsugaya complained loudly.

"Don't get what, taichou?" Matsumoto asked.

"Why does everybody insist on treating me like a kid? Don't they know I'm a captain? I get why Hinamori-kun does it. I can understand Ukitake-taichou. But how do you explain the clerk at the onsen today? Didn't she see my haori or didn't she know what it was? Or didn't she believe it was genuine? Or the shopkeeper yesterday. Or the waitress a week ago. Or that Eleventh Divisioner last month. He is the one who shouldn't be allowed to run around with sharp things. Honestly, what's with all the people? Is there some sort of conspiracy or what?"

"Conspiracy?" Matsumoto raised an eyebrow. "Why would there be any conspiracy? What would be the point?"

"To drive me crazy," Hitsugaya answered. "I can't see any other reason."

Matsumoto remembered all the times she had told Ukitake that Hitsugaya loved candy, the times she encouraged Momo to call him Shirou-chan, how she had to convince the attendant at the baths to treat a captain like a child, (the woman had been scared, but Matsumoto managed to persuade her. In the end she had performed spectacularly.) And then there were all the times she had a talk with the staff of any establishment she decided to drag her captain into.

"No, taichou, there is no conspiracy," she answered sincerely. It was all her doing. Her cute little captain was just so much cuter when he was flustered. And Matsumoto just couldn't resist cuteness.


	43. Spirit of alcohol

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Kyouraku, Ukitake, Yamamoto

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

"I still think we shouldn't be doing that," Ukitake muttered eyeing his cup suspiciously.

"And why shouldn't we?" Kyouraku shrugged and downed his cup. "What can possibly happen?"

"A Hollow might appear," the white-haired youth pointed out. "Or worse, Genryuusai-sensei might drop by and find us drunk. I doubt he'd take us to the Living World ever again if he sees us in that condition. And he might even kick us from the Academy."

"You worry too much," his dark-haired friend admonished him. "Yama-jii won't do it. We are his best students, remember? Sure, he'd be angry, but he won't kick us out."

"But there are so many other things he could do to us," Jyuushirou muttered. "And what if a Hollow appeared? I'd like to see you fighting when unable to make two steps in the same direction."

"Don't worry, I have it all figured out," Shunsui assured him.

"How?" Ukitake asked skeptically.

"The sake is physical, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"And we are spiritual beings, are we not?"

"We are," Jyuushirou nodded, not seeing where Shunsui was heading with this.

"And physical sake affects only our physical body," he announced.

"What?" Ukitake blinked in confusion.

"We're spirits, aren't we? The material sake can do nothing to us. I mean, the moment we leave our gigai, we'll become sober!" Kyouraku announced.

"Are you sure?" Jyuushirou frowned, not convinced.

"Yes!" the dark-haired youth confirmed. He downed another cup to soothe his parched throat after such long speech. "This is a rare opportunity for us, so we should take it! Who knows when we'll see the Living World again!"

"It would be a long time if Genryuusai-sensei catches us," Ukitake muttered. He still doubted Shunsui's theory, but he didn't argue anymore. He was just careful with his alcohol intake, while Kyouraku drank as much as he could. Two hours later, the effects of the sake were very much visible.

Then suddenly a foul reiatsu washed over their senses. Shunsui almost missed it, being too drunk, but Jyuushirou recognized it immediately. A Hollow! And by the feel of it, it was right outside their inn. He took out the talisman they had for such occasions.

'_Now we'll see whether Shunsui was right,' _he thought before slamming it first to Kyouraku's and than to his chest.

It turned out that Shunsui had been completely wrong. They were both still drunk, no sign of sobering up. _'Not good,' _Ukitake thought. He was the less influenced one, but even he had trouble walking straight. Shunsui had trouble understanding what was going on.

Ukitake headed out alone. He unsheathed his zanpakutou, hoping that he wasn't too drunk to deal with it. The Hollow lunged and the young man dodged. He lost his balance and fell on his butt. The Hollow turned after him. He scrambled to his feet.

"Hey, Shirou-kun, where did you go?" Kyouraku called from the doorway. Ukitake cursed. His fried was too drunk to realize he was in danger. And right on cue, the Hollow turned after the easier prey. Jyuushiro tried to attack it, but he stumbled over his own feet and a cough wracked his body. _'Not now,' _he thought.

Then suddenly there was an outburst of reiatsu and the Hollow dissipated into spirit particles. Ukitake look up just in time to see Yamamoto sheathing his zanpakutou. And looking at the expression on his face, he didn't know whether he should be grateful for being said or terrified of a fate worse than being eaten by a Hollow.

"What were you two thinking, getting drunk?" the old shinigami asked.

"Yama-jii!" Kyouraku called jovially. "Have a drink too!" Ukitake slammed his palm to his face. Was it even possible that his friend really didn't see the danger he was in?

"It was your idea, wasn't it," Yamamoto stated turning to the drunker of his students. "How can you be so irresponsible? Didn't you realize what could happen? If I didn't come when I did, the Hollow would have killed you both!"

"There was no problem, Yama-jii!" Shunsui replied cheerfully. "I'd just leave my gigai and I'd get sober immediately!"

"You aren't in your gigai," Yamamoto pointed out. Kyouraku looked at himself in confusion.

"Oh. When did it happen?" he asked stupidly. Ukitake sighed in exasperation. Yamamoto scowled.

"How did you even come up with such a ridiculous idea?" he bellowed. "Of course you stay drunk in spirit form when you get drunk in gigai. Why do you think they call booze 'spirit' in some languages?"

A thought occurred to Ukitake and the level of alcohol in his blood made him say it aloud. "Genryuusai-sensei, how do you know?" It cost him many extra detentions.


	44. Soukyouku

Genre: Humor/Mystery

Rating: K+

Characters: Orihime, Ishida, Ganjuu, Chad

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

They enjoyed a rare moment of quiet. Rukia had been saved and now the former ryoka could sit down and enjoy the peaceful scenery before the Senkaimon would be adjusted for their return into the Living World. Well, at least some of them were enjoying the peace. Ichigo was off somewhere hiding from Kenpachi and Rukia was with her brother.

"There's something I don't understand," Orihime said.

"What is it?" Ishida asked.

"The Soukyouku," the girl answered. "How was Kurosaki-kun able to stop it when it has the power of a million zanpakutou?"

"Maybe he's a million times stronger than the shinigami," Ganjuu suggested.

"No, that isn't it," Uryuu shook his head. "Didn't you see how much trouble did he have in the fights? He nearly died first against Abarai, then captain Zaraki and lastly captain Kuchiki. He isn't all that stronger."

"Obviously they didn't mean a million captain-class zanpakutou," Chad pointed out.

"Yes, but why not?" Orihime questioned. "And what zanpakutou did they mean?"

"A million zanpakutou sounds much more impressive," the Quincy explained. "The number is so high that nobody would stop to think what kind of zanpakutou they mean. It's a masterful accomplishment in propaganda."

"That sounds just like them," Ganjuu scoffed.

"But what kind of zanpakutou did they mean?" Orihime inquired.

"Judging how easily was Kurosaki able to stop it in just his shikai, I say they meant the zanpakutou of beginner Academy students."


	45. A day in the life

Genre: Humor/Drama

Rating: K+

Characters: Central 46

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

The Central 46 were holding a meeting, sitting on their proper seats in their cavern-like meeting hall, discussing a very important matter.

"It's boring in here," #32 complained.

"Don't speak like that!" #13 scolded him. "This is the most comfortable place in Seireitei! We want for nothing!" #32 suppressed the urge to sigh. They lacked nothing, expect any excitement. And girls. There weren't any pretty girls. He looked at #13. She was an old hag with a shrill, grating voice, but after all the centuries of being isolated in the Tower of tranquil spirit, he was beginning to think she was a bit attractive. This time he sighed. That was an unmistakable sign that the life here sucked.

"And we are the ultimate authority in Soul Society," #27 added. "We can dress down anybody, including the sotaichou. What's not to like about it?"

"That's right!" #25 agreed.

"But #32 is right," #41 pointed out. "When was the last time we could do that? It's been awfully quiet lately."

"That's true," #8 nodded. "It's been over a year since we had a criminal to judge."

"Stop speaking like that!" #13 shrieked. "We are the most privileged! There's nothing to complain about."

"Expect you," #32 snapped. #13 gasped for breath.

"What did you just say?" she demanded.

"That I love you, my dear," #32 replied, somehow managing to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. "Would you like to come to my room tonight?"

"You... you..." #13 was at a loss of words. #12 had to take her out to get some fresh air and calm down.

"Good work, #32," #41 praised him. "Now we got rid of that witch, we can get back to business."

"Finally," #8 agreed. "I really miss some action. I can't wait for the next time we'll judge someone."

"That might take some time," #19 said. "As #41 pointed out, the shinigami have been on exceptionally good behavior lately."

"Maybe we can find someone else to judge," #36 suggested.

"Good idea," #19 agreed, "but who?"

"What about #13?" #32 suggested.

"That won't work," #41 disagreed. "We can't judge one of our own. It must be someone on the outside."

"But it's been awfully quiet," #19 commented. "Now a hundred years ago, those were some interesting times."

"Yes," #32 agreed dreamily. "Eight executions and two banishments, that was glorious. We don't have the opportunity to do something like that often."

"And there were so many captains among them," #36 added. "That doesn't happen often. Those were such glorious executions."

"What executions?" #10 asked. "They all escaped, don't you remember?"

"They did?" #36 blinked in surprise. "How comes we weren't informed?"

"You are senile, aren't you?" #10 asked. "They escaped right from here!"

"Oh, I remember now," #36 replied. "Urahara was claiming his innocence. Hmm, now that reminds me, shouldn't we have investigated? Just to pass some time, of course?"

"Why?" #32 asked. "That would be just wasting time!"

"It's better than just sitting around," #36 disagreed.

"And what if it turned out he was really innocent?" #41 asked. "That would have meant no execution!"

"Oh, you're right," #36 agreed. "No investigations then. Just shouting at the suspect is easier and much more fun than some investigation anyway."

"Good old times," #19 smiled. "We haven't ordered so many executions at once since then."

"What about the modsouls?" #10 reminded him.

"They don't count," #19 replied. "They were just some pills."

"Yes," #32 agreed. "Smashing some little balls cannot compare to executing real people."

"Now the Quincy, that was something different," #44 remembered fondly.

"Or the Bounto," #15 added.

"Are there even some Bounto alive still? Or Quincy?" #11 asked.

"I think so," #10 answered. "Should we order the Gotei 13 to hunt them down?"

"Now that sounds like an idea," #32 agreed.

"Don't get ahead of yourselves," #41 chided. "They are still alive because they're in hiding."

"I bet the Gotei 13 can find them," #32 stated.

"If they could, there wouldn't be any more left," #3 pointed out.

"So who else can we execute?" #19 asked.

"What about the next criminal, no matter what he did?" #28 suggested.

"That sounds like a plan," #30 smiled.

"But what if there are no criminals?" #19 asked. "It's been so quiet lately."

"Then let's make more laws!" #25 suggested. "That way it will be harder to uphold them all!"

"That's a brilliant idea," #32 praised him. "So what should we forbid?"

"Now that's a tricky question," #41 said deep in thought. "What did we forbid so far? #10, you usually keep track of such things."

"Even I don't remember everything," #10 replied.

"Then let's just execute the next person to come here," #36 suggested.

"Yes, that's clever!" #25 agreed. "Let's forbid bothering us under capital penalty!"

"Great!" #32 cheered. "Let me get the proper forms and we'll make it a law."

Just as he said it, the doorbell chimed.

"Our first victim is coming!" #41 rejoiced.

"We didn't write the law yet!" #32 panicked.

"Does it matter?" #19 shrugged. "We'll just make it retroactive."

"Yes, so many convicts," #14 pointed out.

"Be quiet, he's almost here," #6 said. The room miraculously turned from a place where old men were having a childish squabble into the supreme court of law inspiring fear in the heart of anyone who entered. The door opened and the intruder walked in.

'_Oooh, a captain,' _#32 thought. _'It's been so long since we executed one.'_

"How dare you disturb us," #1 spoke in a bellowing voice. It had no effect on the newcomer.

"I came to tell you three words," Aizen replied. "Shatter, Kyouka Suigetsu."


	46. Cursed

Genre: Humor/Crossover

Rating: K+

Characters: Yumichika, Ikkaku, Yachiru, Zaraki

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach or Ranma 1/2.

"Now whose idea it was to send us here?" Yumichika growled.

"It was an order," Ikkaku shrugged. "There was something about some strange reiatsu or something, I wasn't paying attention. It sounded like a possible battle, so of course Kenpachi wanted to go."

"Figures. But whoever said there would be a battle? Not a single little Hollow anywhere in sight! Instead..." he didn't finish, he just gestured around, looking at the plain with many little pools. Most of them had bamboo sticks sticking out of them.

"Stupid cursed springs," Madarame muttered.

"I agree," Yumichika said, studying his new body.

"I don't get what you are so mad about," Ikkaku smirked. "You still look beautiful."

"I'm a freaking woman! A woman!"

"But still a beautiful one," Ikkaku retorted. "Isn't that the most important thing for you?"

"Not at this price! I was beautiful enough as a man!"

"Feathers-chan is a girl!" Yachiru shouted from her perch atop one of the bamboo sticks. Somehow she was the only one who didn't fall in. Yumichika felt a sudden urge to push her, but controlled himself. Kenpachi would kill him for that. Both of them. Zaraki had fallen into the Spring of drowned twins and now both of his copies were fighting each other, obviously having the time of their life. 'Ken-chan can have lots of fun now,' as Yachiru commented it.

"But at least I'm still human," Ayasegawa said. "Unlike a certain somebody."

"Shut up," Madarame growled.

"If you at least were a cool animal, but a turtle?" Yumichika continued. "Seriously, how does a turtle drown? Aren't they supposed to be good swimmers?"

"How do I know? I've been never interested in turtles. They can't fight," Ikkaku replied.

"You should catch up soon," his friend advised him.

"Just shut up now," Ikkaku growled. "And I'm still male, unlike you." Yumichika scowled.

"Baldy is all shiny!" Yachiru singsonged. "I wonder how does he taste."

"That's it," Madarame decided. "I'm going to push her. And I don't care what is Kenpachi going to say to that."

Before he could do anything, the two warring Zarakis landed close by, causing a tremor that snapped the pole Yachiru had been standing on. She yelped in surprise and disappeared under the water.

"We didn't even have to push her," Yumichika grinned with glee. "I wonder what did she turn into."

At that moment, the water surface broke and Yachiru's head appeared. The girl quickly climbed out. She was dripping wet, but otherwise she looked the same as ever.

"Nothing happened?" Ikkaku wondered with dismay. Right then the surface broke again and Yachiru climbed out of the water.

"Hey, that's not the same spring Kenpachi fell into!" Yumichika exclaimed worriedly upon seeing the two identical girls.

"Of course not," said a third Yachiru climbing out of the water.

"The Spring of drowned triplets?" Ikkaku's eyes widened in terror. One Yachiru was bad enough, but three?

"Not quite," said a fourth Yachiru.

"How many are there?" Yumichika questioned.

"Enough," a fifth one answered.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

**End notes:** I might send more people to Jusenkyou, if I get more inspiration on what should they turn into. (Hint: give me some ideas.)


	47. 12 tasks

**A.N.:** Merry Christmas!

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Many

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Twelve Herculean tasks of Gotei 13**

Nobody quite knows how did the whole thing originate, because it had been a long time ago, but everybody agrees it must have included copious amounts of alcohol. It isn't known who had drunk it, but it is known they had talked on how to show they were really tough. So they were probably from the Eleventh. Somehow they agreed that they should perform certain dares that no sane person would ever attempt. During the following years, the tasks varied, some were added, some altered and others dropped off the list. Sometime later somebody remembered an ancient Western legend and gave them their name.

Currently, these are the twelve tasks, that can earn you the title of Hercules upon completing all of them, letting everybody know that not only you are the biggest badass in the whole Soul Society, but also that you have absolutely no common sense and sense of self-preservation.

1) Put a pole 150 cm high at the entrance to the Tenth Division with a sign saying 'You must be at least this tall to enter.' Shoo away anyone who is shorter. You must remain there for a whole day.

There was once a brave soul who had completed it. He chose a day when captain Hitsugaya was away in the Living World. The guy's friends insisted that it didn't count, but he pointed out that there wasn't a clause saying that Captain Hitsugaya must be present.

2) Steal Captain Kyouraku's pink haori.

Captain Kyouraku, being the pervert he is, announced that he'd give his haori to the girl who is absolutely awesome in bed. So far, no-one had been judged good enough, but one of them managed to sneak off with it while he was fast asleep.

3a) If you are a guy: Go to Captain Kurotsuchi and ask him for Nemu's hand.

Only one person ever tried. After he literally got Nemu's severed hand, nobody was brave enough to try again. Captain Kurotsuchi than equipped Nemu with a new hand, which can turn into a drill.

3b) If you are a girl: Tell Captain Kurotsuchi you love him and want to have his babies.

No-one was crazy enough to try. They're too scared he might accept.

4) Steal Yamamoto's cane.

No-one ever dared. Though one person picked it up when Yamamoto forgot it in a street.

5) Steal Matsumoto's sake.

Captain Hitsugaya confiscates it routinely, but he doesn't count, because he's her superior.

6) Kick Yachiru.

There was only one idiot brave enough to try. His remnants were later found over three Rukongai districts.

7) Kiss Sui-Feng.

The one person who did that ended up walking around with multiple Houmonkas on his body for a week. Nobody dared again.

8) Break up an argument between the two Third Seats of the Thirteenth Division.

The only one who can do it without injury is Captain Ukitake, and even he doesn't manage every time. Everybody else gave up when their ears begun hurting too much.

9) Steal Captain Kuchiki's kenseikan.

One person tried and was promptly introduced to Senbonzakura Kageyoshi. Kuchiki Byakuya's kenseikan is a serious business.

10) Teach Captain Komamura to play fetch.

Strangely enough, Komamura loves the game. This challenge will probably be dropped soon and replaced with something else. Most likely 'Give Captain Komamura a bath.'

11) Arm-wrestle against all of the Gate Guardians.

Due to the huge difference in palm size, no-one quite figured out how to do it. The person who tried it was almost turned into a pancake.

12) Annoy Captain Unohana until she snaps.

Those who tried stopped after her first _smile._


	48. Naming the shop

Author's Note: In case I don't update in the next two days, Happy New Year, my faithful readers.

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Urahara, Tessai

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach. Stupit Santa. I wrote to him to give it to me for Christmas. I'll have to try next year again. I'm making it my New Year's resolution.

"The walls are painted, the floorboards are clean, the merchandise has arrived, the shelves are stocked, the counter is set, everything is ready to open the shop," announced Urahara Kisuke cheerfully about a month after they settled in Karakura town.

"There's just one thing, tenchou," Tessai said. "How are we going to name the shop?"

"Well," Urahara waved his fan thoughtfully, "what about 'Urahara's shop'?"

"Urahara's shop?" the former captain of Kidou corps raised his eyebrows, though the effect was lost behind his glasses. "Are you serious?"

"Why not?" the green-clad man shrugged. "It sounds good and tells the potential customers everything." Tessai disagreed, but that wasn't what bothered him about the name.

"Are you sure you want to call the shop by your own name, tenchou?"

"Sure," the exiled captain shrugged. "Is there a reason I shouldn't?"

"In case you have forgotten, we're still on the run," his companion reminded him. "I don't think it's wise to advertise our location."

"You worry too much, Tessai," Kisuke waved his fan dismissingly.

"Do I? Do you want to have your power sealed?"

"Of course not, but that isn't going to happen."

"It is going to happen if you put on a huge sign saying 'We are here' for everybody in the Soul Society to read."

"But I'm not putting on any such sign," the soon-to-be shopkeeper protested. "It says just 'Urahara's shop.' There are so many people called Urahara. There's no reason anyone in Soul Society would think it's us."

"Really, tenchou?" the mustached man asked dubiously. "Because I don't know anybody else named Urahara."

"Really?" Hat and Clogs looked surprised. "I'm sure there must be plenty of them."

"If you say so," Tessai shrugged, "but I still say it's a bad idea. What if some shinigami reads it and the Onmitsukidou comes to investigate?"

"Are you scared of the Onmitsukidou? It isn't what it used to be since Yoruichi left."

"That doesn't mean they are completely incompetent. Sui-feng was Yoruichi's protégé, don't you remember?"

"Oh, I do," Urahara smiled, "but do you remember the paperwork? If someone does see it, he'd have to file a report about it in triplicate. Then it will have to go the commander of the Onmitsukidou and to the Sotaichou. They will have to file a report about it in triplicate and then if will to the Central 46. They will have to read it, have several meetings about it, decide what to do about it, have another several meetings, make a decision, have another meeting, send it to the Sotaichou and the head of the Onmitsukidou, she'll have to confirm receiving the order in triplicate, write orders for her subordinates, have a briefing about it, ask for a permission to go to the Living World, in triplicate, wait until somebody in Kidou Corps gives it and informs her about it in triplicate, then report that she is going on the mission, in triplicate, ask for a new permission to go through the Senkaimon because the old one expired while she was writing the reports, write some new reports, also in triplicate, and so on and so on. It would take at least three months before somebody actually comes here, and that would be only for the investigation. It takes much longer before they could actually try to arrest us," the runaway captain stated confidently.

"Well, I know the bureaucracy is terrible," Tessai mused, "but Sui-feng really, really hates you. What if she forgets the procedures and comes here as soon as she hears about you?"

"Sui-feng? Forgetting the procedures?" Urahara shook his head dismissingly. "Hell would freeze over before it happens. No, Tessai, there is really nothing to fear."

"I'm still not convinced," the big man muttered.

"But I am. We're naming the shop 'Urahara's' and that's final."


	49. Captains' qualifications

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Urahara, Yoruichi

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

"I nominated you for the captain position of the Twelfth Division," Yoruichi announced after their sparring session.

"Really?" Urahara asked wiping the sweat from his brow.

"Really," the lithe woman nodded. "So before you go and take the exam, let's review if you have everything it takes to be a captain. I don't mind seeing you embarrass yourself, but Yamamoto would chew my ears off for nominating a moron."

"Shouldn't you have thought about that before you nominated me?" Kisuke asked.

"Nah," the Commander of Onmitsukidou waved her hand, "I'm sure you'll pass. But we'll review anyway, so you'll have the chance to improve in case you are lousy at something. You have exactly 23 hours for it."

"That much? That should be enough to learn anything."

"Okay then, let's start. Do you know the laws?"

"Well, as the head of the Detention Unit, I'm supposed to know them."

"Good," Yoruichi nodded. "Next is history."

"Well," Urahara scratched his head, "I'm not overly interested in it, but I picked up something when I was actually paying attention at the Academy. I think I can pass."

"You'd better do. Now Kidou."

"Now that's something I'm fairly good at," Kisuke smiled.

"Next: Hakuda."

"You just saw my proficiency," the Third Seat pointed out.

"And I wasn't very impressed. But it might be enough. What about Hohou?"

"It's been so long since we played tag," Urahara smiled dreamily. Yoruichi smiled too.

"You can outrun snails, so it should be enough. What about Zanjutsu?"

"I achieved Bankai recently. And in only three days! Benihime is still pissed at me."

"That will do. And now for the most important skill."

"There's something more important than Bankai?" the blond man looked genuinely confused.

"Of course," the golden-eyed woman nodded somberly. "It's absolutely vital for all captains. You won't last through your first day if you can't do it."

"It's that important?" Urahara asked feeling a bit anxious. "What is it?"

"The ability to sleep while standing upright."

"What?" the man blinked. "Why would I need to know that?"

"So I take it you can't do it?"

"Well," Urahara scratched his head, "I can't."

"That's a problem," Yoruichi bit her lower lip. "Maybe you should withdraw from the exam then."

"Are you kidding? Give up the opportunity to become a captain and not have to obey you anymore? No way."

"If you insist," she shrugged, "but it's your funeral."

"I insist. And why it is so important?"

"Because it's the only way to survive Yamamoto's speeches."

"That's a joke?"

"No," she shook her head, "everybody's doing it."

"They're sleeping while the Soutaichou is speaking?"

"Don't act like a prude, Kisuke. It doesn't become you. Just wait until your first Captains' meeting and you'll see."

"Still, I can't believe Yamamoto doesn't do something about it."

"He hasn't caught up yet. His speeches are so boring that he's asleep himself while delivering them."

.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.:.

A.N.: Inspired by the Captains' meeting at the beginning of the Turn Back the Pendulum arc, anime version. Half of the captains have their eyes closed while Yamamoto is speaking. One has glasses, so it's hard to tell.


	50. Heirs

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Yoruichi, Shihouin clan elder

A.N.: Based on a line in the story **Seireitei Advice Column **by **Totoromo.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

"Can you kindly explain what is the meaning of this, Yoruichi-sama?" the elder of the Shihouin clan asked slowly. He had seen lots of weird things during his many centuries of life and he had thought that there was nothing that could surprise him anymore, but he had to reassess his opinion. This was something even his time in the Onmitsukidou couldn't prepare him for. The dark-skinned woman in front of him smiled proudly and stood a bit taller.

"Honorable elder, allow me to introduce Ayumu, Hideki, Kotone and Wakana, my children and heirs to the Shihouin clan."

The elder looked from the proud mother to the four youngsters cavorting around her feet to the mother again. He took a deep breath. "Yoruichi sama," he spoke trying to keep his voice even despite the outrageousness of the scene, "I know that you have been gone for a hundred years and that it would be foolish to expect you to behave yourself all the time, but this is too much. They are..." the word choked in his throat, but there was no other way to express it. He had to say it. "Kittens."

"So?" Yoruichi looked at the four balls of fluff playing on the ground. "Is that a problem?" Her voice left no doubt that he shouldn't find it a problem if he knew what was good for him. And the elder knew it very well. He had survived for a very long time in the hostile environment of one of the Four Great Noble Houses and he intended to survive longer.

"Not at all," he said trying to make it sound it convincing. "Just for the record: may I ask who is their father?"

"I am," Yoruichi announced proudly. The elder blinked in shock. Did he just think he couldn't be any more shocked than when the Clan Head showed up with four kittens in tow? This topped it easily. He wondered idly what was going to happen next.

"But you're female," he pointed out the obvious flaw in Yoruichi's logic. She shook her head.

"Only when I am human. As a cat, I am male."

"Oh," he blinked in incomprehension. "That must be confusing."

"You have no idea."

"So who is their mother?"

"Her name is Pussy."

"Pussy, you say?" the elder raised an eyebrow. "That doesn't sound like a name for a noblewoman."

"Well," Yoruichi scratched her head in mild embarrassment, "she isn't. She's a stray I met one night in an alley."

"What?" the elder was scandalized. "You want to tell me the Lady of the Shihouin House procreated with a homeless peasant?"

"Yes," she confirmed. "And out of wedlock to boot." She actually had the gall to sound proud of her accomplishment. And it was just like her.

"Now that's..." he stopped. He couldn't find a word that would describe this situation appropriately. What was he supposed to say when the unmarried lady of one of the Four Great Noble Houses fathered a litter of kittens with a stray cat? If it at least was a purebred one... He wasn't sure an appropriate expression existed.

"You don't look happy," the cat woman observed. "I don't understand why. You were always harping on me to finally provide an heir."

"I wanted you to marry a nobleman, not..." he waved his arm in the direction of the four little fuzzballs. This was even worse than if she had gotten knocked up by that Urahara character.

"You don't like them? How can you not like such little sweeties?" She looked at him as if he routinely ate kittens for breakfast, which in this context gained an entirely new meaning.

"Oh no," he denied hurriedly. "They are wonderful little... kittens, but they can't inherit the Shihouin clan."

"Can't they?" Yoruichi raised an eyebrow, her stance becoming predatory. The elder felt like she was going to tear out his throat any moment.

"Well, the rest of the family might see it as a problem if we were to be ruled by a cat. And what about the other noble clans? They would laugh at us!"

"They would stop laughing when they see what my little ones are capable of. Isn't that right?" She looked down to address her children.

"Meow!" "Nya!" "Mrrroow!" "Nyao!"

"That's right, children," she smiled proudly. "And Hideki, what did I tell you about using such language?"

"Meow!"

"That's better," she smiled approvingly. The elder watched the scene with disbelief. Was this really happening or was this a sick prank of Yoruichi's?

"Well, if you excuse me now, I'm going to introduce my little darlings to their relatives," the proud mother said, scooped up her offsprings and disappeared in a shunpo. The elder stared at the empty spot that remained after her for a long time. Was the Shihouin family really going to be headed by an animal? It certainly seemed so, if Yoruichi would have her way, and she usually did. He shook his head. He needed a drink. He felt it was going to be the first of many.


	51. A failed plan

Genre: Humor/Crossover

Rating: K+

Characters: Kyouraku, Nanao, Yamamoto, the Guide and many others

**Disclaimer:** I don't own neither Bleach nor Ranma 1/2.

"Just whose brilliant idea was this?" asked Kyouraku Shunsui looking at the pandemonium around.

"I believe you had some part in that, taichou," Ise Nanao answered.

"Really?" the notorious womanizer questioned. "I thought it was old Yama's."

"No, I'm sure you came up with it first," the fukutaichou insisted.

"I must have been drunk," the captain muttered.

"Of course you were," she confirmed.

"Remind me what the plan was again?"

"After we investigated what happened to the Eleventh, we decided to lure Aizen to the cursed Jusenkyo springs, dunk him in the Spring of Drowned Good Samaritan so he would recognize the error of his ways and off himself," the woman recounted.

"Yes, I remember now," Shunsui nodded his head. "There was just one tiny miscalculation: Aizen never came. He just sent his underlings."

"And we all know what happened afterwards," Nanao remarked.

"Yes," Kyouraku nodded sadly. "Everybody got cursed."

"Don't look so sad, taichou," Nanao tried to comfort him. "I think your new body suits you very well."

"I don't think so," Shunsui whined. "How am I supposed to pick up girls now?"

"Maybe you'll finally understand us when you're one," the lieutenant pointed out. "And besides, now you can wear pink without looking ridiculous."

"What do you mean, Nanao-chan? I never look ridiculous."

"You do," she informed him, adjusting her glasses so they reflected the light into his (her?) eyes menacingly. All three pairs of them. Kyouraku immediately backed off. She smiled inwardly. Falling into the Spring of Drowned Asura had its advantages.

"So what happened to everybody else?" Shunsui asked looking around. The first thing to catch his eyes was a giant monster with ox head, bat wings, snake tail and a body he couldn't recognize. It would look scary if it wasn't so obviously scared itself. "Who do you think is that?"

"I think that's Yamada-nanaseki."

"Honored guest fell into the Spring of Drowned Yeti Riding an Ox and Holding a Bat and a Snake in Each Hand!" the guide explained. "Most tragic legend in Jusenkyou!"

"Who do you suppose is that swan? It's so graceful. Maybe Unohana?"

"No spring of drowned swan in Jusenkyou. That just a bird."

"Oh. What about the two cats?" He pointed at a big orange cat playing with a white kitten. The kitten was hissing, scratching and trying to get away, but the cat didn't let him. "Don't they look like Hitsugaya-taichou and Matsumoto-fukutaichou?"

"They do," Nanao agreed.

"Honored guests fell into the Spring of Drowned Cat."

"That pig looks just like Oomaeda," Nanao pointed at a fat hog lazying near one of the pools.

"No, that the white-clad guy."

"One of the Espada?" Kyouraku raised an eyebrow. "Who?"

"I think the Primera. He looked quite lazy," Nanao supplied.

"But pig?" the captain shook his (currently her) head. "That just doesn't suit him."

"I don't think he chose it."

"What about that panda?" Shunsui pointed out. "Could that be Oomaeda?"

"It's stuffing itself, so it's probably him," Ise agreed.

"Stop this! You're supposed to fight the Espada!" A childish voice chastised them. They turned to its source to see a cute little kid with a furious expression.

"Don't bother us, child," Nanao snapped. "How can we fight when we can't tell who is who?"

"The Arrancar have holes!" the child scowled, the cross-shaped scar on his brow moving. It reminded the Eight Division Head of somebody.

"Yama-jii?" Kyouraku tried.

"Who else!" the Soutaichou snapped.

"Honored guest fell in the Spring of the Drowned Child!" the guide informed them needlessly.

"Ow!" Something stung Kyouraku in the neck. He slapped at it, but hit only his own skin. He blinked at a hornet hovering in front of his face. "Sui-feng? You didn't change a bit." She stung him again, fortunately in a different place.

"I told you stop fooling around and fight!" Yamamoto bellowed. With his current childish voice it sounded funny. Everybody ignored him. He wasn't used to being ignored. He threw a tantrum. Everybody still ignored him. He wanted to release Ryuujin Jakka on them, but he realized that his power was reduced to what it used to be when he was a child. And while even that was a lot, it was nowhere near captain level. He could only seethe and throw another tantrum.

A silver fox appeared between two pools, slowly making its way to them.

"Ichimaru!" Kyouraku shouted, drawing his zanpakutou and sprinting towards the fox. The fox looked around in confusion and started coughing violently. Shunsui stopped. "Juu-kun?" The fox nodded and coughed up some blood. Shunsui burst in tears. "I thought for sure you were Ichimaru! I nearly killed you! I'm such a wretched old man," he cried and tried to hide his head in Nanao's bosom. She smacked him with her three right hands.

"Unbelievable," she observed. "You're a woman and you're still womanizing."

"Kyouraku Shunsui is a ladies man and nothing can change it," (s)he replied.

"Isn't that Sui-feng?" Nanao pointed at a black horse who had her mane tied in two familiar braids ended with metal rings.

"Oh my, it is Sui-feng. Then who is this bee?" The bee in question stung him.

"I think the hornet objects to being called a bee, taichou," the lieutenant informed him.

"I noticed," Kyouraku replied scratching the swollen area. "But who it is?"

"I'm not sure," she shrugged, her six arms enhancing the effect, "but probably an enemy. Or maybe some woman you chased."

"That's bad," Kyouraku frowned. "We can never tell friend from foe. Hey you, guide! How can we break the curse?"

"Hot water, honored guests."

"Then let's boil some! I want to be back to my old manly self soon!" Nanao scoffed at her captain's antics.

"Honored guests broke all my pots," the guide informed them.

"Oh yes, we did make quite a mess," Shunsui nodded.

"That looks like we're stuck, taichou," Ise said with a noticeable amount of glee in her voice.

"You shouldn't sound so happy about it," Kyouraku whined.

"And why not?" she cocked her head sideways. "I have six arms to beat you now and six eyes to find you when you're slacking off."

"Don't even remind me."


	52. Kyouka Suigetsu

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Aizen, Ichimaru, Tousen

A.N.: Please, excuse my humble attempt at Ichimaru's accent.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Here ya are, Aizen-taichou," Ichimaru-fukutaichou exclaimed with no small amount of relief. "Ya almost missed the beginning of the joined division training."

"But I am here now, so you don't need to worry anymore," the bespectacled captain replied reassuringly.

"Yeah. But it isn't like ya to come at the last moment," the silver-haired lieutenant pointed out.

"I've stayed up late yesterday, talking to some important friends," the captain explained. "I nearly overslept."

"'tis so?" Gin cocked his head sideways questioningly. Aizen nodded in confirmation. "But ya know, Aizen-taichou, there's something off about ya today. Say, you aren't a double under an illusion."

"Of course not," Sousuke almost took offense. "That's really me."

"If ya say so," the fox-like man shrugged. "But there is something off 'bout ya."

"And pray tell what that may be?" the illusion master raised an eyebrow.

"Dunno," Ichimaru shrugged, studying his superior carefully. His appearance was impeccable as ever, from his wavy hair to his pristine haori, but it looked unnatural to Gin anyway. "Something just seems off."

"Well, it doesn't matter now," the chief conspirator shrugged. "The Ninth is coming."

"Hiya there, captain Tousen!" the lieutenant greeted enthusiastically, his grin threatening to split his head in two.

"Good day, Aizen-taichou," the dark-skinned man greeted. "Is everything alright with you?"

"Of course," the Fifth Division Captain replied with a smile. "Why wouldn't it be?"

"Then may I ask: why are you wearing your pajamas?"

"Aren't ya supposed to be blind?"


	53. Why?

Genre: Drama/Mystery with a bit of Humor and Romance

Rating: K

Characters: Ishida, Orihime

**Warning: RECENT MANGA SPOILERS**. And OOC? Or not?

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

"Well, Inoue-san, I mean to ask you something," Uryuu said, adjusting his glasses in a nervous tick.

"What is it, Ishida-kun?" Orihime replied.

"Why didn't you restore the powers of the people who lost them?" The redheaded girl looked abashed, like she was just caught with her hand in a cookie jar.

"I'm sorry, Ishida-kun, I didn't realize I could do that when you lost yours."

"Really?" he looked at her with doubt. "You could reattach missing limbs. You could create new ones from scratch. You could even raise the dead and you didn't realize you could do this?"

"I really didn't," she admitted with embarrassment. "And besides, most of this happened after you regained your powers, Ishida-kun."

"I can accept that," the dark-haired youth replied, "but why didn't you help Kurosaki? You should have realized the full extent of your powers by then." Orihime looked ashamed, her face blushing deeply. She didn't say anything. "Well, why?" Uryuu prompted.

"Because it would be too dangerous," the girl whispered.

"Really?" Ishida raised an eyebrow. "I wasn't aware that your healing had possible side-effects."

"That's not it," she responded, not meeting his eyes.

"Then what?" he inquired.

"Kurosaki-kun is always rushing into fights," she blurted. "He doesn't care I'm always so scared something would happen to him. I just don't want him to get hurt."

"If you think so, I can point out a flaw in your logic. In case you haven't noticed, Kurosaki used to be very powerful prior to losing his powers. There was very low chance of him ever losing a fight, especially after Aizen and his Espada were defeated. Regular Hollows couldn't touch him. But now they can. What would you do if one went after Kurosaki and he couldn't defend himself, he couldn't even tell it was there until it ate him?"

"That isn't going to happen," she shook her head resolutely. "Now he has no reiatsu, the Hollows aren't drawn to him anymore," she explained her reasoning.

"That isn't true," the Quincy argued. "Some Hollows would attack any soul." Orihime was positively spooked. She looked at Ishida with wide, pleading eyes.

"You will save him if it happens, won't you?"

"It's my duty as a Quincy to save the souls and destroy the Hollows. And now Kurosaki isn't a shinigami anymore, I don't have any grievance with him. But that brings me to my other argument: what about his friends? He made quite a lot of them in the Soul Society and he won't be able to see them anymore."

"He has friends here too," Orihime argued. "We'll help him get over it."

"He doesn't seem to be getting over it," Uryuu pointed out. "And even if I don't want to have any more shinigami in this town, I think that seeing them again would help him. Especially Kuchiki-san. She could always cheer him up."

"But that's it!" the usually timid girl shouted in anger. "Now that Rukia is out of the picture, Ichigo is finally all mine!"


	54. Sense of direction

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Yachiru, Ikkaku, Kenpachi, Yumichika

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.'.

"You led us into a dead end again, fukutaichou," Ikkaku grumbled. They were supposed to go fight some tough Hollows, but so far they didn't even manage to get out of Seireitei.

"Oh, shut up, Pachinko head," Yachiru scowled at him from her perch on Kenpachi's shoulder. "This wasn't a dead end yesterday."

"Really?" Madarame scratched his head. "But this wall looks like it has been there for a century."

"But it wasn't here before. I'm sure of it," the girl insisted.

"Well, I'm sure it was here before," the Third Seat insisted.

"Don't argue, it isn't beautiful," Yumichika interrupted them. "Let's just look for another way."

"But this is the right way," Yachiru insisted.

"It sure doesn't look that way," Zaraki remarked.

"It is," the pinkette insisted. "But somebody wants us to think that it isn't."

"Who would do that and why?" Ayasegawa asked.

"It's a constipacy," the girl informed him.

"A what?" Ikkaku asked.

"A constipacy," she repeated. "That's when the bad guys constipate together in secret to do something bad to the good guys."

"Didn't you want to say conspiracy?" the Fifth Seat asked.

"No, I meant to say constipacy, Feathers. Conspiracy is... when there are pirates. Lots and lots of pirates."

"Whatever," Kenpachi grumbled. "Let's just go before the Hollows die of old age."

"But we can't," Yachiru objected. "The constipators changed all the streets in Seireitei, so we won't be able to get around."

"You are the only one who can't get around," Madarame pointed out. "Everybody else can find their way just fine."

"That's because the constipators change your memories to make you think that it was always like this. But it wasn't. They rebuild all Seireitei every night and then make you think it always used to look like that. Only I remember how did it look before," the lieutenant explained.

"What would be the reason?" Ikkaku questioned.

"To make us lose our way and came late for battles," the girl explained. "I'm sure Nerdy-glasses is behind it. He knows that Ken-chan would kill him if they fought, so he wants to make him get lost on the way."

"You'd lose your way on a straight street," the Third Seat muttered. Yachiru heard him. She jumped on his shoulders and bit his head. "What was that for?" he shouted.

"For being a dumbass, Cueball! I already told you it's the constipators' fault."

"Stop the arguing," Zaraki interrupted them. "Let's go to the Senkaimon."

"Yup! This way!" Yachiru pointed at the dead end in front of them.

"No, that way," Ikkaku pointed the opposite direction. The girl bit him again.

"I said that way!"

"If she said this way, then we'll go this way," Kenpachi shrugged and broke the offending wall, revealing the interior of somebody's living room. "Nothing can stand between the Eleventh and a fight. And if the constipators changed the streets, we'll just make new ones."


	55. Don't read manga!

**Genre: **Humor/Not quite crossover

**Rating: **K

**Characters:** Ichigo, Rukia

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach. Nor the quote near the end.

"All done," Rukia announced after wiping the memory of an old lady.

"You didn't have to do that," Ichigo protested. He always disliked the memory-wipe.

"I had to do it," the currently powerless shinigami pointed out. "I think she saw me running around, shooting spells at something she couldn't see."

"I still don't like it. She was old, nobody would believe her anyway."

"I know," she sighed, "but I can't take the chance. And what else can I do? If a Hollow appears and you aren't around, I have to fight and then erase the memories of the witnesses."

"But that doesn't work every time," Kurosaki reminded her. "Maybe if you can make it look like you're doing something less suspicious..."

"Good advice, but how do you want to make fighting look less suspicious? It isn't like... oooooh! I got it!" Her eyes shone with unholy light. "I've got the perfect idea how to make myself look normal while fighting!"

"Really?" the Substitute shinigami asked suspiciously.

"Really," the girl confirmed. "I'll be able to look perfectly inconspicuous while fighting and nobody would look at me oddly anymore. I won't even have to use the memory wipe." Ichigo had a bad feeling about it.

"So what is it?" he inquired.

"That's a surprise," Kuchiki informed him with a mischievous smile. Kurosaki's bad feeling intensified.

Two days later, Ichigo suddenly sensed the presence of a Hollow. Because Rukia wasn't with him at the time, he used the protesting Kon to get out of his body and raced towards where he thought he was. Considering his crappy spiritual sense, it took him quite a while before he actually found it. But he finally saw it in a street, slowly approaching a soul of a young boy and behind them... he blinked, wishing the apparition would go away. But it stayed stubbornly there. Behind the Hollow stood Rukia, her school uniform adorned with ribbons, bows, cheap jewelry and badly-drawn bunnies, a hideous glass-jewel encrusted tiara on her head. As soon as she spotted him, she gave him a triumphant smile, then glared at the Hollow and then she shouted:

"Wretched fiend! You prey on the souls of the innocent! I will never forgive it! For Love and Justice, in the name of the Moon, you shall be punished!" The Hollow watched stumped.

"Rukia, is that your idea of being inconspicuous?" Ichigo asked slowly.

"Yes!" she beamed. "I read about it in a book. It was really awesome and..."

"Rukia," the Substitute interrupted her, "stop reading manga."


	56. Imprisoned

**Genre:** Humor

**Rating: **K

**Characters: **Aizen, Kyouka Suigetsu

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

The cell was dark. Completely dark. Not even a speck of light penetrated it. In the dark, damp cell Aizen Sousuke was serving his prison sentence, his monotonous solitude interrupted only by the occasional meal dropping in through a catflap in the door. Otherwise nothing interrupted his misery and he was completely alone with his thoughts. Well, not completely alone.

"This is terrible," Kyouka Suigetsu remarked. "There's no-one around to manipulate. No-one to put under my illusions. No-one. Why did you have to get captured, oh idiot wielder of mine?"

"I'm biding time," Aizen replied.

"Biding time?" Kyouka Suigetsu raised an eyebrow. "For what? By the time your 20000 years of imprisonment ends, you'll be old and withered, barely able to walk on your own power."

"That's what everybody thinks," Aizen smiled mysteriously.

"And they are right," Kyouka Suigetsu pointed out. "Even with all your power, you cannot defeat time."

"Oh, can't I?" Aizen smiled even more mysteriously.

"Don't play all mysterious with me," Kyouka Suigetsu scolded him. "I'm your zanpakutou. I know best what you can and cannot do."

"Do you now?" The imprisoned god-wannabe smiled in an 'I know something you don't' way.

"Cut that crap," she scoffed. "Who are you trying to fool? I'm not one of your followers."

"But you serve me."

"Unfortunately. Why, oh why I am stuck with a wielder who is stuck in this hole?" she lamented.

"Why do you whine? Everything is going according to my plan," he smiled ominously.

"Plan? What plan?" Kyouka Suigetsu asked skeptically. "As far as I know, you have no plan."

"You underestimate me, my dear. Of course I have a plan. I always do. Did you already forget?"

"Oh, I didn't forget," she rolled her eyes. "I didn't forget that you didn't plan on being defeated and captured."

"But I did plan on it. In fact, this imprisonment is serving my goals much better than if I succeeded in obtaining the Royal Key."

"Sousuke, I already told you: I'm not one of your minions. You don't have to pretend to be omnipotent and omniscient in front of me. We both know you are not."

"That's what everybody thinks. But if you take into account my Complete Hypnosis, ..."

"Are you practicing your motivational speeches? Who do you want to motivate down here?"

"Don't interrupt me. As I said, if you take into account my Complete Hypnosis, ..."

"Aizen, I am your Complete Hypnosis."

"I told you not to interrupt me! As I said, if you take into account my Complete Hypnosis,..."

"And as I said: I am your Complete Hypnosis! I know what I can do! So don't tell me to take myself into account!"

"Are you so sure you know it, my dear? Because if you take into account my Complete Hypnosis..."

"_My_ Complete Hypnosis! You wouldn't be able to do anything without me!"

"Wouldn't I?" Aizen smiled. "That's what you think."

"That's what I know," she corrected.

"That's what you think."

"Oh, so now you think you could manipulate me?"

"So you think I can't?"

"Sousuke, you moron, I already told you I'm not one of your minions, so don't practice your motivational speeches on me. My patience with you is at its end. Try it again and I'll show you something about my Complete Hypnosis. And for a very long time, I had nothing to do but think up horrible scenarios to show the next person to fall under my power. I'm dying to do it and you are the only possible subject here. So. Don't. Tempt. Me."

"But my dear Kyouka Suigetsu, I'm not trying to do any such things. I was only trying to explain my master plan before you interrupted me and..."

"You don't have a master plan and I know it. And what did I say about your motivational speeches?"

"Dear Kyouka Suigetsu, if you only allowed me to explain how the Complete Hypnosis really works..."

"I've had it! If you think you can mess with my head, think again! And to teach you a lesson: Shatter! Now, what vision I'm going to use first? The one with the bees? Or the giant snake? Or being lectured by Unohana for all eternity?"


	57. Yuzu

Genre: Drama/Family with a hint of Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Yuzu, Kon

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

Yuzu watched through the kitchen window her brother dart off in his shinigami form and sighed. It looked like the dinner would go to waste, again, because there would be no-one to eat it. Why she was even still trying? The days Ichi-nii spent at home were gradually becoming fewer and fewer. And he didn't even bother to explain. Weren't they his family? They deserved to know what he was up to. And when she asked, he came up with some lame excuse. Did he honestly think she would believe it? Did he think she knew nothing about the Spiritual World?

Oh wait, that's exactly what he thought. What everybody thought. But that wasn't true. Not anymore. She once used to be the one who could barely see a ghost, but that changed after Rukia appeared. Yuzu's spiritual power grew and now she could see ghosts just as well as Ichigo and Karin. She just didn't advertise her ability. On the contrary. As long as people thought she couldn't see them, they weren't careful in front of her. That was why she was the one who knew most about Ichigo's exploits and about the numerous shinigami who ever visited Karakura. She even caught their father as a shinigami once. She didn't say a thing though. She didn't want to blow her cover. But she couldn't help but wonder. Knowing so much yet so little was frustrating.

But it had its perks too. She could make fun of people while looking completely innocent. Like the time Karin brought a ghost to dinner. She purposefully set the bowl to another seat and then had a hard time not to laugh at his face. And no-one thought to call her on it. Did Karin forget that she always could to see at least a faint blur? Or did her sister find her sudden spiritual blindness strange, but decided to keep it for herself? Or did she know? Yuzu didn't ask.

She proceeded to keep the house in order, cook the meals and keep a straight face at Ichigo's pathetic attempts to conceal the fact that there was a girl living in his closet. Honestly. Did he think she was dumb enough not to notice? She felt offended. But she said nothing. She wasn't the one to question people. She was kind and nice and unassuming and people didn't think she could be anything else. And she couldn't afford to be. Ever since their mother died, she had to be the one to hold everybody together, the one everyone could lean on. She couldn't let any of her true feelings show. It was hard. She continued washing the dishes, concentrating on not breaking them in anger.

She noticed movement out of the corner of her eye. It disappeared before she could turn around, but she was positive she saw it. She headed to the hallway. Sure enough, there was a stuffed plush toy lying on the ground. It looked like somebody dropped it there, but she knew better. The little lion walked there on its own. She had a hard time to conceal her glee upon finding it. She masked it with a kind smile. Unbeknownst to her, she was utilizing the same technique Aizen Sousuke did.

She picked the toy up.

"What are you doing here, Bostafu?" she asked in her most innocent voice. Kon didn't answer, but she felt him cringe under her hand. "You're all dirty. I have to wash you. And I have to find you some new clothes too. I have the cutest pink dress. And your mane seems to be torn. I'll have to sew it together. Or maybe I should replace it with something prettier? I bought the prettiest lace. And some fake flowers. I think I should add them too. Do you like better daisies or violets, Bostafu?"

Kon didn't answer. He was pretending with all his might that he was just a regular stuffed plushie, though it would have worked better if he didn't shake in terror all the time. Yuzu masked a sadistic smirk with a smile. So her life was full of frustration. But at least she had somebody to take it out on.


	58. Practice

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Aizen, Ichimaru

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

"'I wasn't pretending anything, you morons deluded yourselves,'" Aizen boasted to the mirror. "No, this doesn't sound right. 'I wasn't deluding you, you are just a bunch of idiots.' Ah, no, that doesn't sound right either. Cuss words are too vulgar. 'I didn't have to hide anything, you are the ones who couldn't see, buhahahahahaha!'" The secretly evil captain shook his head. "No, mad cackling wouldn't do. It's so cartoonish. And cartoon villains always lose. I'm a better class. I will never lose. I'll become a god! Muhahahahahaha!" He suddenly stopped. "Damn it, I started laughing again. I mustn't do that. But it feels so good! But I have no time for it; I must practice my parting speech. So where did I end? Ah, here is it." He took a deep breath and struck a dramatic pose.

"'I wasn't trying to delude you, only you weren't able to see.' Hey, that didn't sound so bad. The tone needs some tweaking, but the sentence is alright. Let's try again. 'I wasn't purposefully deluding you, you were simply unable to see my true self.' Yes, that's even better. So sophisticated. Worthy of a higher being. That's what I'm going to say. Now I have to practice delivering it right."

"Talkin' to yerself again, Aizen-taichou?" The voice sounded so suddenly the evil mastermind jumped. "Ya know, that's a sign o' madness."

"Gin!" the traitorous captain scolded, trying to cover up the fact that his heart was racing. If someone else had caught him... well, he could solve it with Kyouka Suigetsu, but still... "I don't comment on you practicing your smiles in front of a mirror." Ichimaru's grind widened from Creepy Smile #3 to Deranged Grin #7.

"Practice makes perfect."


	59. Captains' meeting

Genre: Humor/Crack

Rating:T

Characters: the captains (pre Soul-Society arc)

Author's note: Please excuse my poor attempt at Ichimaru's accent.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

"Well, what do you have to say for yourselves?" Yamamoto asked the individuals arranged in neat rows in front of him. They had the typical look of schoolchildren caught causing some mischief, partially guilty, partially ashamed, partially angry at being caught, but certainly not sorry. He knew that brand of young troublemakers well from his long teaching career at the Shun'o Reijutsu Academy. Only they weren't students. They were the captains, the most powerful individuals in Seireitei, though looking at them now, he couldn't see the difference. In the typical manner of underage miscreants, they were staring right ahead, refusing to say a word.

"You're behaving like a bunch of ten-years-olds," he informed them.

"You keep saying that, Yama-jii," Kyouraku muttered quietly, but not quietly enough for the Soutaichou to miss.

"Because it's the truth!" Genryuusai bellowed. "A kid could be a better captain than any of you!"

"Oh, really?" Kenpachi asked, looking pointedly at Hitsugaya. The boy was staring ahead, pretending he didn't hear anything, but the slight drop in the temperature gave him away.

"Well, he has an excuse," Yamamoto shrugged. "What is yours?" Nobody answered. "Since you are all being so cooperative, tell me what happened earlier today."

"There was a storm, Genryuusai-sensei," Ukitake answered.

"I know that! I want to know what caused it!"

"It was simply a storm," Aizen said.

"A snowstorm in the middle of summer?" Yamamoto questioned.

"A cyclone above the 45th district of North Rukongai caused the influx of cold air from the Zaraki district," Kurotsuchi explained.

"I didn't do anything!" Kenpachi protested. "What are you blaming me for?"

"Of course you didn't," the clown-faced captain replied. "An ignoramus like you wouldn't know how."

"Who are you calling an ignoramus, you..." Zaraki began, but he was interrupted by Yamamoto slamming his staff on the floor.

"Silence! Stop fighting like schoolchildren and start behaving like captains for a change! A kid could do your work better than you!"

"You keep saying that but that's not true. He can't do the job any better than us after all," Sui-Feng said smugly looking at Hitsugaya. The boy-captain glared back.

"Which brings us to the original question," the general sighed and fixed his eyes on the Tenth Division Captain. "Why did you cause a blizzard this morning? And don't try to deny it, I know it was you."

"I felt like it," Hitsugaya snapped.

"You felt like it?" Yamamoto raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. It was too hot. The snow cooled the air wonderfully so our shinigami won't suffer from heatstroke anymore," he explained in deadpan voice.

"That's true," Unohana added. "Yesterday I admitted sixteen patients with heatstroke. Today there was none. Though there were seventy-two with frostbite, six with hypothermia and over two hundred with various forms of cold." Hitsugaya looked ashamed.

"You heard what you caused," the Soutaichou said accusingly. "And that's not counting the effort it would take to clean the streets because the snow doesn't melt. So do you have anything to say to your defense?" Silence. "Well? If you didn't have a reason, you are going to be severely punished." Toushirou just stared straight ahead, refusing to say a word.

"Don't be so hard on him, Genryuusai-sensei," Ukitake pleaded. "All of us are guilty, so don't blame Shiro-chan." Hitsugaya glared daggers at his fellow white-haired captain.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Yamamoto questioned. "As far as I know, he's the only one who can create snow."

"That's true, but we made him do it," Juushirou answered.

"Made him do it? How? And why?" the wizened man demanded.

"Well, Yama-jii," Kyouraku adjusted his straw hat, "you know how you always say that a child could be a better captain than us?" Yamamoto nodded.

"I thought I could prove it, but obviously I was mistaken." Hitsugaya blushed slightly under the general's glare, but otherwise didn't react. "And you have been doing so well."

"Well, that's what the problem was," Shunsui continued his explanation. "You made a kid a captain and he was really doing a better job than we did. And nobody likes being shown up by a kid so we decided to do something about it."

"And that something wasn't improving your own performance, I presume," the soutaichou asked rhetorically.

"That would be too much work," the pink-clad man replied sincerely.

"An' we coudna ha'e a kid better than us, tha' just wouldna do," Ichimaru added. He was half-covered in bandages, his lips were blue and there was frost in his hair, but his trademark grin was as wide as ever.

"You could have achieved that by stopping pulling pranks on your subordinates and actually filling your paperwork for a change," Yamamoto suggested.

"Doin' pape'ork 'nstead o'pranks? What would be t'fun init?" Gin looked scandalized. Yamamoto suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. They were really like kids.

"You and your fun," Kurotsuchi scoffed. "It's completely unproductive, unlike my research."

"You, Kurotsuchi, should stop using your recruits as your test subjects," Genryuusai stated.

"But I need them," the Twelfth Division Captain protested.

"A good captain should care about his subordinates," Unohana pointed out. Kurotsuchi scoffed.

"But there's such thing as caring too much," the general said. "I have to remind you, your title is captain, not 'mommy.'"

"Is there a problem with it?" Unohana smiled.

"No," Yamamoto shook his head hurriedly.

"Hey, Clown-face," Zaraki said, "if you need some test subjects, I can give you our recruits who didn't pass our squad initiation."

"Kenpachi, stop killing your new recruits," the general ordered, trying to regain his confidence after the conversation with Unohana.

"I'm not killing them, I'm just testing whether they are good enough. I'm not interested in the weaklings who don't pass," the Eleventh Division Captain explained.

"And when was the last time someone passed?" Genryuusai inquired.

"I can't remember," Zaraki shrugged.

"Violence is against Justice," Tousen stated.

"Stop preaching about your stupid justice all the time," Sui-feng snapped. "Everybody is fed-up with your nonsense."

"As the head of Onmitsukidou, you should uphold Justice the most," the blind man retorted.

"I'm upholding orders, not some stupid 'justice,'" the petite woman replied.

"Enough," Yamamoto tapped his staff on the ground. "Tousen, don't preach about justice for more than two hours a day and Sui-feng, stop obsessing over cats. Yoruichi isn't coming back, so get over it."

"But it's such a pity," Kyouraku complained. "She had such glorious boobs and wasn't ashamed to show them..."

"Kyouraku!" Tousen exclaimed scandalized. "Control your sinful mind! There are children here!" Hitsugaya reached for his sword, but a glare from the general made him let go.

"We got derailed," Yamamoto stated. "Kyouraku was explaining what happened today. So everybody be quiet and let him finish."

"Yes, Yama-jii. Oh, where was I?"

"You said that nobody liked that a child was doing a better job as a captain than the rest of you," the general reminded him. "Though, that isn't saying much considering he was the only one actually doing his job. Why can't the rest of you do your paperwork too?"

"I do my paperwork," Kuchiki defended, his clan's pride rearing up.

"It's always late," Yamamoto pointed out. "Can't you hand it in on time?"

"I fill it as fast as I can, but calligraphy is a time-consuming art. If I worked any faster, the kanji wouldn't be precise," Byakuya explained in a clipped tone.

"Paperwork isn't supposed to be a work of art," the Soutaichou informed him, "but it is supposed to be filled in on time. Remember it."

"As a noble, I'm obliged to write only calligraphically. Anything else would be beneath my pride."

"You and your pride," Yamamoto sighed in resignation. "And now back to the topic. Kyouraku, continue."

"Well, everybody was pissed that a kid was showing us up. And everybody wanted to do something about it, but improving our own performance would be too tiresome. So we decided to decrease his instead." After this statement, the temperature in the room dropped significantly.

"So you were sabotaging the work of a fellow captain?"

"We were teachin' th' kid to 'ave fun," Ichimaru grinned. Hitsugaya glared.

"Because children are supposed to have fun," Ukitake added. "But Shiro-chan doesn't even like candy. He thinks he's a big boy."

"And if he thinks he's a big boy, he needs to know about girls," Shunsui said. "But when I tried to explain it to him, he ran." Hitsugaya blushed.

"I explained it to him too," Kurotsuchi added. Hitsugaya turned green.

"I tried to teach him about the Path of Justice, but he didn't want to listen."

"He didn't want to play with Yachiru. And he didn't want to fight me either."

"He didn't want a kitten."

"And he didn't want a puppy either. And children are supposed to love puppies!"

"'e didna want to play pranks. And didna like 'em pulled on 'im."

"He didn't appreciate me arranging him a date with Hinamori-fukutaichou."

"And he doesn't drink sake. And doesn't appreciate his beauty of a fukutaichou."

"He declined my offer to teach him calligraphy. He should have been honored that I offered it to a peasant."

"He doesn't like to play fetch."

"He didn't want to be my test subject. And I offered him the premium treatment."

"And he's always trying to run from his complete physicals. And I only do them once a week. I always have to tie him down."

"And 'e's always so cutely angry when 'is paperwork goes missin'."

"And when Matsumoto shows up drunk. Oh, how I love our drinking contests."

Yamamoto banged his staff on the floor. He felt like banging his head against the wall instead or banging his staff on somebody's head. Or releasing Ryuujin Jakka on the bunch of them. Considering how chilly the room was now, it was an alluring prospect.

"You really are a bunch of overgrown children," he stated, interrupting the bragging/whining session. "So we established that you all have systematically tortured Captain Hitsugaya. But what happened this morning? Which one of you made him snap?"

"I think it was Ichimaru," Sui-feng said.

"Me?" the silver-haired man looked hurt. "What could I 'ave done? 'm all bandaged up!"

"That's why I suspect you," she deadpanned.

"I'm wounded," he grinned.

"I see."

"Enough," Yamamoto tapped his staff on the floor again. He had to be careful. The floorboards couldn't take much more abuse. And he had installed new ones just last week. But considering how the captains' meetings usually went, he spent a large part of his income on new floorboards. Any more and it would ruin him. "Ichimaru. What did you do to Hitsugaya?"

"Me?" The man looked like innocence personified. "Nuting."

"Somehow I find it hard to believe," the soutaichou said.

"Tis the truth!" Ichimaru protested. "Just ask 'im! Shiro-chan, did I do sumthin' to ya?" The boy didn't answer, but his face flushed deep red. "Ya see?" Gin exclaimed triumphantly. "I didna do nuthin to 'im!"

"Looks more like he's too embarrassed to say what you did," Kyouraku observed.

"But Shiro-taichou 'as no reason to be embarrassed," the Third Division Captain grinned. Toushirou glared daggers at him.

"So you aren't going to tell me what happened today?" Yamamoto questioned. Only silence answered him. "Too bad I can't sack all twelve captains at once," he stated. "You are dismissed. But make sure this won't happened again."

"Don't worry, Yama-jii. You know us!"

"That's precisely why I worry."


	60. Smile

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Aizen, Ichimaru

**Disclaimer:** Idon't own Bleach.

"What'cha doin', captain Aizen?" Ichimaru asked as he walked into his superior's room without knocking. Aizen blinked, but this time he didn't jump. He was slowly getting used to his second's sudden appearances.

"Honing my powers for when I'll take over the Soul Society," the bespectacled man replied.

"Really?" Gin cocked his head. "It looks like yer just starin' at ta mirror to me."

"The right facial expression can accomplish a lot, Ichimaru," Aizen replied evenly. "a smile can sometimes accomplish more than a sword."

"True," the silver-haired man grinned wider. "Folks run when they see me smile. But ya ain't smilin' as creepily as me."

"Why would I want to look creepy?" the evil mastermind raised an eyebrow. "I want to look dignified, powerful and self assured, so nobody would dare to challenge me."

Gin shook his head patronizingly. "Give up, captain. E'en if ya practiced for a thousand years, ya couldna smile like Unohana."


	61. Budget trouble

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Yamamoto, Sasakibe

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Budget trouble**

"So we are in the red again?" Yamamoto said as he squinted at the budget report for the entire Gotei 13 in his hands.

"I'm afraid so," Sasakibe-fukutaichou confirmed. The general frowned.

"What are all the divisions spending so much money on anyway?" the soutaichou questioned. "I'm sure the budget covered all the regular expenses and left enough reserves for irregular ones. So why can't the captains manage?"

"All of them had some unexpected expenses even the reserves in the budget couldn't cover."

"Unexpected expenses? All of them? What was it?"

"Sui-Feng wants to find Shihouin Yoruichi," the aged lieutenant explained. "She organized a large manhunt, ended up capturing several hundred black cats and spent three months trying to determine which one of them is Yoruichi. She insisted that the poor kitties had to receive the best care in case one of the really was Yoruichi. And that cost lots of money."

"That sounds like a giant waste of resources. What made her think Yoruichi was among them?"

"I don't know, sir," Sasakibe shrugged, "but Sui-Feng sounded very convinced."

"Hmpf. That girl is truly obsessed over her predecessor. I guess it would be too much to expect her to change. What did the next miscreant do?"

"I don't know what the Third spent their money on. I asked Captain Ichimaru, but his explanation was so complicated I lost him."

"Lost him?" Yamamoto questioned. "I thought you were smart enough to follow an explanation."

"I couldn't wrap my mind around the part with the giraffe and roller blades. And that was before it got really weird."

"A giraffe and roller blades? What did Ichimaru need them for?"

"I have no idea, sir. And frankly, I don't want to know."

"That might be a wise approach," the ancient shinigami admitted. "I hope you know what the others blew their budgets on."

"Well," Sasakibe smiled sheepishly, "I don't know what the Fourth did either. Unohana-taichou assured me that the money was well-spent and I didn't dare to ask further questions."

"You should man up," Genryuusai suggested. "It's just Unohana. What is there to be scared of?"

"You're the only one who isn't scared," the lieutenant muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, sir."

"Nothing? Then why did you say it?"

"No reason."

"Then stop saying things for no reason and continue."

"Yes, sir. Captain Aizen donated large sums of money to charity. Unfortunately I forgot to ask him which one. But I guess it doesn't really matter. Someone as honorable as him wouldn't embezzle the money and use them to his own ends."

"He's too kind for his own good," Yamamoto commented. "I'll have to have a word with him about it. He must realize we aren't the Salvation Army. But enough about that. What's the next problem?"

"Captain Kuchiki insists that his division grounds have to look as impeccable as his family estate. The cleaning staff and gardeners cost a fortune."

"Captain Kuchiki and his Kuchiki pride," the soutaichou muttered. "If he wants his division grounds impeccable, can't he pay it with his own money? Like that fat guy from the Second?"

"Well, I gathered he spent a fortune on repairing the damage Yachiru inflicted on his manor."

"That's his problem, not the Gotei 13. I'm going to explain it to him so he won't forget it ever again. I hope the others had some better reasons for spending so much."

"I believe so. The Seventh had to buy a large quantity of insecticides. It seems Captain Komamura caught fleas on his Living World mission and spread them to most of his subordinates."

"Well, that is a reason," Yamamoto agreed. "Though I don't get how did he manage to drag Living World fleas into the Soul Society."

"Nobody is quite sure how did it happen. The Twelfth is working on it."

"I hope they'd find the answer soon and won't blow up anything in the process. But knowing Kurotsuchi..." The captain commander shuddered. "What's next?"

"Captain Kyouraku used the division budget to buy sake. And a new hat."

"Ah, Shunsui," Yamamoto shook his head in disbelief. "Will he ever grow up?"

"Well, considering he didn't grow up in the last two millennia..."

"It's probably a lost cause," the wizened shinigami sighed. "Proceed to the next division before I'll lose my composure and tan the hide of my old student."

"Ninth had to whitewash their barracks twice. The first time, they let Captain Tousen pick the paint. He went for the cheapest one without asking anybody how did it look."

"They should really know better."

"I think they did, they just didn't dare oppose their captain," Sasakibe spoke his mind.

"That's a good attitude to have. Unless it causes trouble. So what did the Tenth do?"

"They spend a fortune on central heating. Every time Matsumoto-fukutaichou slacks on her paperwork, which is almost constantly, Hitsugaya-taichou nearly freezes the whole complex. It takes a lot of energy to make the temperature bearable again."

"Why can't he control himself better? And why does he tolerate a lazy fukutaichou? And why don't they get warmer uniforms?"

"The uniforms are standard issue," the lieutenant reminded him. "They can't do anything about them."

"And Hitsugaya and Matsumoto? Why are they still together when they have trouble cooperating."

"Who knows?" Sasakibe shrugged. "They seem content with the arrangement."

"That doesn't make sense. Enough about it. I'm not sure I want to know about the Eleventh."

"They had to rebuild their barracks completely. Thrice. Their brawls are really destructive."

"Is it so? Maybe we should replace their buildings with tents," Genryuusai mused. "They are way cheaper."

"Not to mention easier to build," the fukutaichou added. "I'll make a note to suggest it to Zaraki during the next meeting."

"He probably won't care where does he sleep, as long as he can fight. So what's up with the Twelfth?"

"Kurotsuchi's experiments are always costly. But this year it was especially bad. One of his test subjects escaped and in the following chase, they tore down half of the SRDI."

"Was the test subject so dangerous?" the general questioned. "They should have restrained it better."

"No," Sasakibe shook his head, "it was harmless. But Kurotsuchi-taichou got annoyed when it evaded capture for too long and released his Bankai on it."

"That man has no patience," Yamamoto muttered. "I don't want to hear any more about him. Let's get to the Thirteenth. Surely Ukitake couldn't do anything too bad."

"They spend a lot on detergents to wash the blood Ukitake-taichou coughs up, They have to pay for everything Kotetsu-sanseki and Kotsubaki-sanseki break during their fights and the captain buys insane amounts of candy."

"What is he doing with it?"

"Giving it to everyone he meets. Especially the young ones."

"He always loved children," the ancient man remembered fondly. "And what about us?"

"We had to replace the floor in the captains' meeting hall quite often. The floorboards break when you tap them to hard."

"That couldn't have cost that much. Are you sure you didn't spend it on your tea?"

"No," the white-haired man shook his head. "The money was used to rebuild the chamber when it burned down after you got fed up with them and released Ryuujin Jakka on them."

"Ah, yes," Genryuusai remembered with a happy glint in his eyes. "That felt so good. I think I'll do it again the next meeting. It's not like I don't have a reason."


	62. Prank backfire

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Hitsugaya, Matsumoto

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

The moment Captain Hitsugaya walked into his office that day, he knew something was up. There wasn't anything obviously amiss, but Matsumoto was already sitting at her desk, working on her paperwork diligently. He took a double-take to make sure his senses weren't deceiving him, but the odd sight didn't disappear.

"What's going on, Matsumoto?" he asked warily.

"Nothing," she shrugged, sounding too innocent. "Why do you ask?"

"You're here before me and you are actually working," he replied. "That's highly unusual."

"Captain, you wound me," Rangiku pouted. "Are you saying I'm not a good lieutenant?" Hitsugaya sighed in exasperation.

"Do you really want me to answer this?"

"You know, captain, I can actually be a very good lieutenant, if I want," the blonde stated.

"I know," the white-haired boy admitted. "The problem is that you usually don't want to."

"Well, now I want to," she shrugged.

"Why?" the prodigy questioned.

"Why not?" she replied. "Is it so unbelievable that I decided to help my captain and do my share of work today?"

"Yes," he informed her baldly.

"You shouldn't question your good luck, taichou," she advised. "It might run out."

"Whatever," Hitsugaya shrugged seeing that he won't get a straight answer out of Matsumoto. He headed to his desk, intent on tackling his own share of Gotei 13 bureaucracy.

But when he sat down on his chair, he realized that it would be difficult. The desk was so high he could barely see over it. And he was certain it wasn't like that yesterday.

"Oh, captain," Matsumoto exclaimed, "you shrunk! You're going to turn into a baby at this rate!" Hitsugaya shot her an angry glare. He got up from his chair, examining it briefly.

"It looks more like somebody sawed off the legs of my chair and glued them to my desk," he said. "Wouldn't you know anything about that, Matsumoto?"

"Me? Why do you always suspect me?" She sounded hurt.

"Because it's usually you," he retorted. "You were waiting here since dawn just to see my reaction, weren't you?"

"Of course not," the busty fukutaichou denied, making the perfect picture of wounded innocence. She wasn't fooling anybody. "I was diligently fulfilling my duties. I have no idea what happened to your chair and desk."

"If you are so diligent, then fill in the forms requesting a new chair and a new desk," Hitsugaya commanded.

"Me?" Matsumoto didn't like getting more work. "It's your desk and chair."

"Yes, you." Hitsugaya confirmed. "As you can see, my workplace isn't suitable for filling paperwork anymore. That means you have to do all our paperwork until I get a new chair and table. And that could take weeks, so you'd better start now. If I have to do it anyway, I'd fill a request for a new lieutenant too."

"Captain, you wouldn't," Matsumoto paled.

"Try me. And get to work. You have to work hard if you want to go to sleep today."


	63. OC

Genre: Humor/Crack

Rating: K+

Characters: Ichigo, Rukia, Ishida, Orihime, Chad, OC

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach.

"Because we have trouble solving the latest incident, Soul Society sent us reinforcements," Rukia announced pointing at the lone shinigami standing quietly behind her. He was a plain, unassuming young man, but his reiatsu marked him as a strong fighter. "Allow me to introduce Nakamura Ginnosuke." In the next instant, the newcomer was lying on the ground, Ichigo kneeling on his chest, the blade of Zangetsu pushing into his neck.

"OK," the Substitute spoke, "tell me all about your evil plans."

"Ichigo! What are you doing?" Rukia shouted.

"Did you finally get crazy, Kurosaki?" Ishida asked.

"Kurosaki-kun!" Orihime exclaimed, her eyes wide with shock. Chad merely grunted.

"I'm trying to save us trouble," the redhead replied. "He's obviously evil so I want to discover his sinister plot before he can put it in motion."

"Why do you think he's evil?" Uryuu asked. "He did nothing suspicious."

"You're being paranoid," Rukia said.

"He looks harmless," Inoue pointed out.

"The harmless-looking ones are the worst," Kurosaki replied.

"That is no reason," Ishida pointed out. "Seriously, Kurosaki, what makes you think he's evil?"

"His given name ends in –suke," Ichigo explained.

"What?" Rukia blinked. Chad blinked too, but nobody could see it under his bangs.

"Huh?" Orihime stared in confusion. This sounded too outlandish even for her standards.

"What does it have to do with anything?" the Quincy questioned. "That makes even less sense than your usual ideas."

"Every person whose given name ends is –suke is evil," the strawberry explained. "Didn't you notice?"

"No," Ishida and Rukia said in unison.

"Well, you have Aizen Sousuke. Amagai Shuusuke. And there was the sword fiend called Narunnosuke. Isn't that enough?" Ichigo asked.

"You can't base a theory on three examples, Kurosaki," Uryuu said patronizingly.

"Can't I? Name one person whose name ends in –suke who isn't evil," the carrot-top challenged.

"Kira-fukutaichou's zanpakutou is Wabisuke," Kuchiki offered.

"And it went rogue during the Muramasa fiasco," Ichigo reminded her.

"That was a one-time incident," Rukia argued.

"But we don't know how Wabisuke is the rest of the time," the redhead pointed out. "Try naming someone else."

"There was a Fourth Division lieutenant Yamada Seinosuke," the small shinigami said. "And Fourth Division are healers. They are not evil."

"I wouldn't be so sure, their captain is the scariest in whole Gotei 13," Uryuu pointed out.

"Hm, Yamada Seinosuke," Ichigo mused. "Wasn't he Hanatarou's elder brother? The kid told me about him once. He always used to hide his toys when Hanatarou was small."

"You can't blame him for what he did as a kid," Orihime pointed out.

"Seinosuke wasn't a kid anymore," Ichigo countered. "And beside, he was a dentist."

"A dentist?" Orihime shivered. Even Chad shrunk. Rukia's hand went up to her mouth.

"Dentists aren't evil," Ishida stated, but his voice was shaking a bit. Even the Quincy pride was sorely tested when faced with filling of a rotten tooth. "They are much needed practitioners of medicine."

"But he enjoyed his work too much," the redhead added.

"I rest my case," Rukia muttered.

"So anyone else has a suggestion?" Kurosaki prompted.

"Urahara Kisuke," Ishida pointed out.

"Are you sure he's a good guy?" Ichigo frowned. "Sure, he did help us some, but he created the Hougyouku and sealed it into Rukia. And don't get me started on some of the things he did to me and tried to pass them off as training." Uryuu had no counter-argument, so he stayed silent.

"Hmm... I can't remember anyone," Orihime said. Chad just shrugged. Ichigo turned back to his captive.

"You heard it. We agreed you are evil. So spill your plans or I'll make you talk. And that would hurt."

"I don't have any," Ginnosuke protested. He was pale, sweating and shaking.

"And I'm supposed to believe it? I bet you are responsible for the latest trouble!" Ichigo scowled pressing the edge of Zangetsu into his throat. "Tell us now!" Ginnosuke shook harder.

"Kuromadani Zennosuke!" Rukia exclaimed.

"What?" Everybody turned to her.

"Kuromadani Zennosuke," the girl repeated smugly. "He isn't evil."

"Who?" Everybody blinked, trying to remember whether they ever heard about such person.

"The guy who took over Karakura after me," Rukia explained.

"Oh, you mean Afro-san!" Ichigo exclaimed. "He has a name?"

"Of course he has a name!" Rukia scolded him.

"I know he has a name, I just couldn't remember it," the redhead defended.

"You never remember people's names," Ishida reminded him. Kurosaki glared at him.

"Well, Ichigo," Rukia prompted. "Will you tell me why Zennosuke is evil or will you drop your ludicrous theory?"

"Well," the Substitute pondered about it for a moment, "Afro-san is too inept and cowardly to be truly evil. OK, I get your point. The theory was stupid." He got up and smiled sheepishly at Ginnosuke. "Sorry, guy." The terrified shinigami bolted.

"You chased him away," Rukia scolded. "Who is going to help us now?"

"We can take care of it ourselves," Ichigo shrugged. "Like we always do."

"A Quincy needs no help from the shinigami."

"But still, this was weird," the redhead said.

"Your behavior was the only weird thing," Uryuu retorted.

"I didn't mean that," Ichigo shook his head. "I mean, Afro-san actually saved somebody today."


	64. OC2

Genre: Humor/Crack

Rating: K+

Characters: Ichigo, Rukia

Author's note: Sequel to the previous oneshot.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

"I knew it!" Ichigo roared. "I knew that Ginnosuke was behind the trouble! It's your fault I let him go!"

"Stop it," Rukia snapped back. "Your theory was ridiculous. Even if you were right this time. You can't tell who is evil based on their name."

"I think I can," the redhead snapped back. "In fact, I did, but I let you convince me that he wasn't. If I didn't listen to you, we could have spared all this trouble."

"There was no way to know," the girl objected.

"I knew," Kurosaki insisted. "But I let you talk me out of it. Afro-san saving someone." He shook his head in disbelief. "How could I ever believe that?"

"But your theory is still stupid," Kuchiki insisted. "Kuromadani Zennosuke still isn't evil."

"Maybe he isn't evil," Ichigo admitted, "but he's certainly no good."


	65. Soul Candy King

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Hitsugaya, Soul Candy

Author's note: Based on the omake of manga chapter 222 (or something like that.)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

"What have I told you to do?" Hitsugaya shouted at the Soul Candy currently inhabiting his gigai. He had found it mildly suspicious when their gikongan were delivered by Yachiru, but with the trouble with Aizen he didn't consider it important enough. Now he was realizing his mistake.

"You told me to hide somewhere safe," the gigai answered.

"Yes, I told you to hide somewhere safe," the Tenth Division Captain nodded gravely. "I didn't tell you to jump into a dumpster!"

"But it was 97% safe, nanoda!" King, the Soul Candy argued.

"It was also 100% filthy," Hitsugaya retorted. "There's a rotten banana peel in your hair, cigarette ash on your shirt, a moldy old rag caught in your belt and I don't even want to know what are your shoes soaked in. Oh wait, those are my shoes. And my shirt, my belt and my hair!"

"But it was 97% safe!" the frightened Soul Candy insisted.

"You forgot to take something into consideration," the captain informed him icily.

"What, nanoda?" the gigai stared stupidly.

"My reaction! Now go scrub yourself clean, repeatedly. I'm going to order new gikongan."


	66. Soul Candy King 2

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Hitsugaya, King

Author's note: Sequel to the last oneshot. Based on manga omakes from Volume 25, which can be found here: http : / / www . bleachanime . org / forums / showthread . php ? t = 1154 Stay tuned for a sequel.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

"I thought you couldn't surprise me anymore, but I was obviously wrong," Hitsugaya shook his head in disbelief as he looked at his gigai. It looked like a drowned rat. Almost literally. If he had realized what was going on a minute later, the gigai would have drowned. They could withstand a bit more than regular human bodies, but even they had limits.

"You're unbelievable," the young captain continued. "I still don't see why you considered a dumpster a safe hiding place, but I can understand that you did. But this? I told you to wash yourself, but whatever possessed you to get into a washing machine?"

"You told me to wash myself," King replied. "And this is a washing machine. And Tide can wash everything, 100%, even the worst stains, nanoda. The lady in the TV said so." Hitsugaya smacked his palm on his forehead. He hoped that the pain would wake him up, but he had a sinking feeling that he wasn't dreaming this up. It was 100% reality. He silently cursed Kurotsuchi and the whole SRDI for creating such a lousy gikongan.

"Why do you believe anything the commercial says?"

"I shouldn't?" King stared at him with childishly wide, uncomprehending eyes, his face scrunched into a cute expression of childish thoughtfulness. Hitsugaya suppressed the urge to slap him, because he would be slapping himself. The thought brought another, unpleasant one with it: he really looked like a little kid. His already bad mood plummeted further.

"No, you shouldn't," the captain informed him. "And you should know that if you stay underwater, you'll drown. And that being in a washing-machine is really unhealthy. How did you even get in?"

"There's plenty of room and I'm small, nanoda. There were still 12% of free space when I got in." That was exactly the sort of things you shouldn't say around Hitsugaya, but King was too dumb to get it. The Tenth Division Captain sighed deeply, trying to get his temper in check.

"That aside, how did you manage to switch on the washing machine when you were inside?"

"Gringo and Ginnosuke helped me," King cheerfully named his fellow Soul Candies. "They were very nice. In fact, Gringo came up with the idea to try the washing machine, because I couldn't find a way to wash myself effective enough, and Ginnosuke offered to help me." A vein was popping in Hitsugaya's forehead now.

"King, now go into the bathroom," he spoke slowly, "and wash yourself using water, soap and shampoo. Do you comprehend the instructions?" He waited for the gigai to nod hesitantly. He still wasn't sure whether the moron got it, but it was the best he could get out of him. "I'm going to order new gikongan for Ayasegawa and Abarai too."


	67. Soul Candy King 3

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Hitsugaya, Soul Candy King, Momone, Blues, Chappy

Author's note: Final part in a trilogy. Thanks to InfinityPhoenix for giving me ideas.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

It was a conspiracy. Somebody definitely designed all the gikongan to drive him crazy and put much effort into it. Hitsugaya was sure of it. There was just no other explanation.

So what had happened? When King wasn't returning from the bathroom for too long, he went to check whether the moron didn't somehow manage to drown in the bathtub. After his previous antics, he wouldn't put it past him. But after opening the door, he realized that the truth was worse. Much worse. Momone had offered to 'help' him wash and did it in her typical perverted fashion. The sight of his and Matsumoto's naked bodies together would haunt him for a long time to come. He'd never be able to look at his fukutaichou the same way anymore. He made a mental note to order a new gigai too, because there was no way he was getting into this one after it had been so thoroughly molested.

He had thrown out the permanently horny Soul Candy. Rangiku's gigai pouted for a bit, but then spotted Blues in Ikkaku's body huddling in the corner and went to harass him for a change. The permanently scared gikongan screamed in fright and fainted, letting Momone do whatever she wanted. Hitsugaya for a moment considered stopping her or ordering new gigai for Matsumoto and Madarame too, but then he decided that if the Soul Candies were bothering each other, they weren't bothering him and what Rangiku and Ikkaku didn't know they couldn't complain about.

So now he stood in front of the door to his room, one hand hovering over the knob. He realized he was scared. What terrible sight was awaiting him on the other side? How did King manage to mess up the simple command of 'getting dressed?' He took a calming breath. The worst thing that could be awaiting him on the other side was a show of extremely lacking fashion sense. After all, King could use only his clothes, so the result can't be too terrible. With this thought, he pushed the door open. And stood dumbstruck.

His gigai was dressed in, well, a dress. At least Hitsugaya thought it was a dress and not a pink wedding cake. It was the frilliest, girliest dress he had ever seen. In fact, he doubted there was a girl who would wear something so girly without dying of shame.

"King," he spoke slowly, "where did you get the dress?"

"Chappy brought it. She helped me dress, nanoda," the Soul Candy replied with a smile, obviously not realizing he did something wrong. And sure enough, when Hitsugaya tore his eyes from the pink monstrosity, he could see Rukia's gigai standing behind his, fastening pink ribbon bows into his hair.

"Shiwo-chan cute now, pyon," Chappy commented. He suppressed the sudden urge to turn her into an icicle.

"Whatever made you think this is a proper attire? You're dressed like a girl!" Hitsugaya shouted.

"Shiwo-chan makes a pretty girl, pyon."

"It's 156% cuter than any other dress, nanoda." That was the final nail to the coffin of Hitsugaya's patience. He walked over to Chappy, kicked her out of the room bodily, uncaring that he might damage Rukia's gigai, locked the room and closed the shutters. Then he smacked the gigai, popping King out of it and returning him to the dispenser. That was the only way to prevent him from doing any more blunders. Then he took a deep breath and entered his gigai, immediately beginning to remove the dress and the ribbons. He hated it, but he realized there was no other way to get rid of them. He only hoped that nobody would see him like this. He wouldn't survive that.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

In the central of the SWA the President Kusajishi Yachiru was watching the great screen intently, studying the output of the surveillance camera with great satisfaction.

"It's even better than we expected," she chuckled evilly. "You outdid yourself, Nemunemu."

"Thank you, madam president," Nemu, standing silently behind her, blushed.

"The footage would sell greatly," Yachiru continued. "Especially the part with Snowy in a dress. That will cover the SWA budget for three years."


	68. Soul Candy King 4

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Hitsugaya, Kiyone, Yachiru, Nemu

Author's note: And epilogue to the previous three chapters. I know I said the last one was the final one, but I just had to write this.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

Captain Hitsugaya sighed in relief. Their mission in the Living World was finally over. And it wasn't a day too soon. He wasn't sure how long could he last with his crazy subordinates and even crazier Soul Candies. Already his patience was strained to the breaking point. But now it was finally over and he could toss King to the waste bin and forget worrying about finding his gigai hiding in a dumpster ever again. The other things he decided to forget about already, they were too dangerous to his sanity.

He just wanted to enjoy the normalcy of the life in Seireitei, well, as much as life in Seireitei was ever normal. Unfortunately it wasn't to be. Soon he noticed that there were people staring at him, some of them pointing and some even giggling. He tried ignoring them, but they didn't go away. On the contrary, there seemed to be even more following him. He considered what he should do about it. Chase them away? Confront them and ask what it was about? Or just lock himself in his office and wait for them to get bored? The last option sounded most alluring, he was in no mood to deal with any more morons.

But it wasn't to be. In the next minute he was stopped by Kotetsu Kiyone, the girl eyeing him with an expression usually reserved for her captain.

"Hitsugaya-taichou!" she greeted.

"Kotetsu-sanseki," he replied. "What do you want?" He was a bit curt with her, but he was in too bad mood to be polite.

"Can you please give me an autograph?" the girl asked, pushing a pen and a paper with some picture into his hands. He wanted to tell her to get lost, but then he noticed the picture on the paper. His eyes widened in shock. It was a photo. He grabbed it and looked at it closely. He wasn't mistaken. It was a photo of him. It was a photo of him wearing pink dress and pink ribbons in his hair, exactly the scene he prayed nobody would ever see.

"What is this?" he asked, paling.

"Your photo," Kiyone answered. "They're very popular now."

"Very popular?" he asked with growing sense of dread.

"Yes," the bubbly Third Seat nodded cheerfully. "Everybody has them. This, the one with the dumpster, washing-machine and Rangiku in the bathtub, but this one is the most popular."

"How much popular?" he groaned, his face getting paler and his eyes wider.

"Everybody in Seireitei has one," the petite girl informed him.

"Everybody?" His mind conjured dreadful images of everybody staring at him, cooing or snickering. He'd never be taken seriously again! Kiyone nodded, confirming those images. Hitsugaya couldn't take it anymore. He fainted. The Younger Kotetsu sister grinned evilly.

"Did you get it?" she called to somebody unseen.

"Yes," Nemu replied appearing from behind a corner, a camera held in her hand. Yachiru soon followed, jumping at Hitsugaya's prone body and poking him.

"People are going to love it," Kiyone smiled dreamily.

"Out cold," Yachiru observed and pulled a permanent marker from her sleeve. "Capture it closely, Nemunemu. Now this is going to sell." And then the pink-haired menace started drawing on Hitsugaya's face.


	69. Mental illnesses

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: only mentions

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Fourth Division's guide to mental illnesses of Seireitei**

_The environment of Seireitei is highly specific, giving birth to new mental problems unheard of anywhere else. Therefore the authors present you this brochure, describing the diseases and possible treatments._

**Roseophobia:** Uncontrollable fear of everything pink. Usually caused by prolonged exposure to Kusajishi-fukutaichou. Possible treatment: transfer out of the Eleventh Division. Unfortunately most patients refuse this vehemently. In that case, their prognosis is bleak.

**Tinniophobia:** Uncontrollable fear of tingling. Patients run in fright whenever they hear the slightest tingle. Usually caused by an encounter with Captain Zaraki. Possible treatment: we're not sure whether it should be treated, it's more a survival trait than a mental problem.

**Chappyfilia: **Uncontrollable obsession with Chappy. Causes the patient to lose her common sense (99% of the patients are women). The cause isn't known. Neither is a cure. Even Captain Unohana had no success treating it.

**Glaciophobia:** Uncontrollable fear of ice. Usual cause is encountering an enraged Captain Hitsugaya. Possible treatment: Transfer to another division. Preferably the First. The Soutaichou has the strongest fire-type zanpakutou. Ice has no chance.

**Pyrophobia:** Uncontrollable fear of fire. Usually caused by seeing the Soutaichou in action. Possible treatment: transfer to the Tenth. Captain Hitsugaya has the strongest ice-type zanpakutou. He can put out any fire.

_Aside from the unique diseases, some of the classical ones also plague Seireitei. Namely:_

**Gynophobia:** Uncontrollable fear of women, especially those gathered in SWA. Usual cause of this disease is encountering the members of SWA trying to raise funds. Treatment: Lieutenant Iba founded a therapy club, but so far the success is negligible.

**Obsessive-compulsive disorder:** You can find its description and possible cures in other literature. The most common form in Seireitei shows as an obsession with paperwork.

**Attention deficit – hyperactivity disorder:** Yachiru. Nothing else needs to be said.

**Bulimia:** Constant eating. Soifon has no luck treating Oomaeda and nobody ever tried to cure Yachiru, because feeding her is the only way to get her to shut up.

**Delusions:** Especially of the kind that makes a person think he's God.

**Alcoholism:** Happens to people who can't take the craziness anymore.

_This is the end of the short list of the most common mental diseases plaguing Seireitei. For a more comprehensive list contact Captain Unohana. Unless you suffer from Unohanaphobia._


	70. Early versions

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Matsumoto. Byakuya, Ichigo

Author's note: I'm low on ideas lately and I couldn't come up with anything new. So to give something to my faithful readers, I decided to publish two early versions of my oneshots I discarded originally. You can amuse yourselves and compare them with the final versions.

**Spirit of alcohol**

Matsumoto was ecstatic. She was on her first assignment in the Living World, she was on her way to become a Seated Officer shortly after graduating the Academy and the straight-laced old shinigami who was supposed to be supervising her fell asleep and she managed to sneak off. So now she was wandering the city in her gigai (lucky her, they were on an assignment in a really fun place), looking for a good bar.

'_I wonder how does the booze in Living world taste,'_ she thought. _'One way to find out.'_

She headed to a door of an establishment that looked good enough to have clean glasses and a wide selection, but not expensive enough to clear her wallet just after a couple of drinks. Once seated on the barstool, she began ordering everything on the list, not caring that it was much more than she usually drank. She felt she was much drunker that usual, but she didn't care. Gin had explained to her that the drunkenness of the physical body doesn't carry to her shinigami form. All she had to do was leave her gigai and she'd be sober once more. Her stick-in-the-mud of a superior wouldn't find out a think.

Just when she was about to pass out, her badge went off. And then she felt it even through the haze covering her senses. There was a Hollow right outside the bar. She took out her gikongan, (it took her a long time to find it with her shaky hands and faulty memory), and popped it into her mouth. She felt the nauseating sensation of leaving her body and ran to the door. She missed it by good two meters.

'_Damn it,' _she realized, _'I'm still drunk. Why didn't it work?'_ She had no time to ponder over it. The Hollow was roaring outside. The logical choice would be to run, but Matsumoto was too drunk to think logically. She headed to fight the Hollow. Once there, she unsheathed Haineko and puked on its front legs. The Hollow roared in outrage. Matsumoto collapsed and awaited her death. It never came. Instead the Hollow disintegrated into spirit particles. She raised her head and saw her superior, looking even sterner than usual.

"And just what were you thinking, Matsumoto-san? Getting drunk on duty? You realized you'd be dead if I was just a bit slower." She nodded.

"I thought physi..hic..physical alco..hic.. booze can't get -hic- a spirit drunk."

"Oh?" he raised an eyebrow. "And whatever made you think that? Or did you believe one of the pranksters who tell it to the new shinigami? Was it perhaps that rascal Ichimaru?" Her look told him everything he needed to know. "Damn him, he does it to all the new recruits. Didn't you know that alcohol is called 'spirit' in some languages?"

_Reason for not publishing this originally: I decided it would be more fun wiht young Kyouraku, Ukitake and Yamamoto._

**Too much power**

The battle on Soukyouku Hill was raging. Captain Kuchiki was getting worried. He had thought he defeated the orange-haired ryoka when he had forced him to his knees, but then his reiatsu suddenly changed, spiked and turned Hollow-like. And a Hollow mask appeared on his face.

"Who are you?" the nobleman asked.

"A name?" the thing repeated. "I don't have a name." The next moment it attacked faster than Byakuya was able to dodge.

"Hahahahahahaha!" the monster laughed. "As I thought, you're just an amateur, Ichigo!" _Now what is that supposed to mean? _the captain wondered. "The spirit pressure of your Bankai has caused the bones in your body to groan in pain! You fool! I will show you how to use this Bankai!" Now Byakuya was really getting worried. Fighting an opponent that was completely insane and very powerful was not something he liked to do. But he was the captain of the Sixth Division and the Head of the noble Kuchiki Clan, so he didn't let any of his anxiety show.

The abomination in front of him swung its sword and a crescent of black energy separated from it, flying towards him. He dodged but the monster was already soaring through the air, releasing another black Getsuuga at him. He could only brace himself for the impact. The clusters of the highly-concentrated energy hit the already-battered ground hard. He was flung back and landed on the ground hard. He slowly pushed himself to his feet, trying to hide the pain the simple movement caused him.

"This spiritual pressure," he spoke, "the mask, you are a Hollow."

"Maybe," the creature shrugged, "but you don't need to know who I am, because soon... what is it?" Hollowified Ichigo looked around in panic. The ground under his feet had moved. There was an ominous rumble and then the cliff crumbled. The rock couldn't stand all the abuse that had been heaped on it, beginning with the destruction of Soukyoku, following several fights, releases of Bankai and finally cutting deep into it with Getsuuga Tenshou. It gave way. The part the Hollow was standing on broke of and fell to the ground.

Byakuya stared after him in surprise, the rock under his feet somehow withstood the strain of the battle. After a moment he regained his composure and spoke.

"I told you a ryoka like you cannot never defeat a captain. It's like a monkey trying to catch the moon. You were defeated by your own stupidity."

_Reason for not publishing it originally: I didn't like Byakuya's final line. I couldn't come up with anything I did like._


	71. Scariest enemy

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Ichigo, Rukia, Orihime, Tatsuki, Chizuru, Ryou, Michiru

Author's note: Thanks to all my reviewers for their suggestions. Even if I didn't use them (yet), your responses returned some inspiration to me, so here I present another oneshot.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

"Baka Ichigo, this is all your fault!" Tatsuki screamed in anger and punched the boy on the head.

"How is this my fault?" Kurosaki retorted, surveying the pandemonium in the classroom. "I'm not the one doing this!" Just as he finished saying that, an attack sailed their way. The Substitute shinigami reached for Zangetsu, but realized that he was in his human body and his zanpakutou was unavailable to him. That meant he couldn't even use shunpo to dodge. Not that he could dodge if it meant the girls standing next to him would be hit by the sinister power.

"Santen Kesshun!" Orihime's Shun Shun Rikka saved the day. The attack was safely deflected.

"Thanks," Tatsuki smiled at her friend.

"Damn, that was close," Ichigo muttered. His mind frantically searched for something he could do to salvage the situation, but drew blank.

"We have to do something fast," Rukia stated. "It already got Ryou and Michiru."

"But what?" the strawberry asked. "This isn't a Hollow I could purify!" At that moment, they were attacked again, but once again Orihime saved the day.

"You do something," Rukia said. "It's your fault anyway."

"Just how is this my fault?" Ichigo objected.

"You can't keep your reiatsu under control," Kuchiki explained.

"So what?" Ichigo interrupted. Rukia shot him a dirty glare.

"It influences the people around you. It wakes their powers, like it did to Chad and Orihime. And now Chizuru."

"But that still doesn't make this my fault," Kurosaki insisted. Tatsuki punched him.

"If she had no power she wouldn't be able to do this!" she exclaimed, pointing at the lesbian girl. Chizuru smiled at them from between Kunieda Ryou and Ogawa Michiru, and blew them a kiss. It took the form of a glowing red heart sailing through the air towards them.

"This is for you, Orihime-chan!" Chizuru called.

"Santen Kesshuun!" Orihime blocked the heart. She didn't want it anywhere near her. She didn't want to end up like Kunieda and Ogawa: in love with Chizuru.

"Ow, screw this!" Tatsuki shouted. She raced forward, intent on punching the daylight out of the lesbian. Chizuru blew her another kiss. Tatsuki smirked and destroyed the heart with a karate chop. It was a fatal mistake: any contact with the hearts released their power. Tatsuki's eyes lit up with little hearts.

"Oh, Chizuru-chan," she cooed, "I've never realized how beautiful you are." And then she joined Ryou and Michiru in worshipping at Chizuru's feet.

"Damn, we've lost another one," Rukia commented.

"Orihime-chaaan!" Chizuru shouted, blowing kisses left and right. "I'm coming to you!"

"Santen Kesshuun!" What Orihime didn't notice was that the frontal attack was just a feint. As she blocked it, one floating heart snuck behind her, in an attempt to bring her under Chizuru's spell. Rukia noticed and shattered it with a punch, unfortunately that put her under its influence.

"Dammit," Ichigo swore. "It's only the two of us now."

"We'll get through this," Orihime muttered.

"But how? I can't fight them." Forget fighting them, he could barely look at them. Seeing Kunieda, Ogawa, Tatsuki and even Rukia groping Chizuru was making him sick.

"Kurosaki-kun will always prevail," she stated with confidence. Ichigo wished she'd share some with him. Forget Aizen, this was the scariest enemy he'd ever fought.


	72. Yamamoto's shirt

Genre: Humor/Mystery

Rating: K+

Characters: Ishida, Orihime, Rukia, Renji, mentions of others

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

It was several days after Aizen's defeat. The life in Seireitei was slowly returning to normal. Uryuu, Rukia, Chad, Orihime and Renji were sitting over Ichigo's unconscious form, waiting for the (former) Substitute to wake up. To pass the time, they were comparing their accounts of the battle. It was now Abarai's turn and the pineapple-head was just describing the bout between Aizen and the soutaichou, when Inoue interrupted him.

"Wait, I don't get something."

"What?" the redhead asked.

"Why did Yamamoto remove his shirt?"

"Because..." Renji started, before closing his mouth. Why did the soutaichou do it?

"Maybe he didn't want to get it dirty," Ishida suggested.

"Do you really think he'd care about that in the middle of battle?" Rukia asked dubiously.

"Clothing is important," the Quincy stated.

"Only for you," Renji muttered.

"Coming from the guy with no fashion sense," Uryuu retorted.

"Speak for yourself," the lieutenant shot back.

"Stop it!" Rukia interrupted them. "We were talking about something important."

"Yes," Orihime added. "So do you know why did the general remove his shirt?"

Nobody knew. And because it bugged them and they had nothing better to do, they decided to go and ask.

Ukitake didn't know, but he said he trusted Genryuusai-sensei to know what he was doing. Then he gave them candy.

Kurotsuchi said he wasn't interested in such trivial matters, but he offered them premium treatment if they agreed to become his test subjects. They ran.

Kenpachi said that it doesn't matter what a man wears as long as he fights and challenged them. They ran even faster than they did from the Twelfth Division.

Hitsugaya told them not to bother him with such nonsense when the deadline for his paperwork was so near and Matsumoto was drunk again. The rapidly dropping temperature in the room told them they should better leave, which they did hastily.

Kyouraku theorized that maybe Yama-jii wanted to attract the onlooking girls by showing his still healthy physique. Then he offered them sake, which they accepted despite being underage. They had to get the image of the old guy with a girl out of their minds.

Komamura said that he supports Genryuusai-sama in whatever he does.

Byakuya told them that only peasants could be interested in such matters and refused to say any more.

Unohana refused to tell, citing the privacy of her patients.

Soifon refused to tell them anything because she wasn't ordered to divulge any information.

Sasakibe told them that it's a private matter of the soutaichou and none of their business, in much more polite words.

"So it looks like we'll never find out," Orihime sighed.

"Yes," Rukia nodded. "And now I'm really curious."

"Maybe," Ishida suggested adjusting his glasses, "it's better we don't know. There are just some things people aren't meant to know."

"You're right," Renji agreed. "We're probably better off not knowing." Chad only shrugged.

"But I still want to know," Rukia voiced everybody's opinion.

If they weren't too scared to ask Yamamoto, they would have found out that the answer was quite simple: whenever he released Ryuujin Jakka, it got unbearably hot.


	73. Kon's punishment

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Ichigo, Kon

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach.

"Stop it, Kon!" Ichigo shouted as he grabbed the stuffed toy. He was just in time to prevent him from landing in the bosom of a lady they were just passing on the street. "Do you have to jump at every pair of boobs you see?"

"Yes," the modsoul answered, completely unrepentant. "There's nothing wrong with admiring those heavenly mounds."

"Your launching yourself at every woman you see is wrong," Kurosaki insisted.

"You not paying attention to girls is what's wrong," the stuffed lion corrected. "You're a guy and you're fifteen. I'm beginning to think you might be gay."

"What?" the redhead couldn't believe his ears. "What did you..."

"Oh, a goddess!" Kon exclaimed upon spotting a particularly busty girl, completely forgetting about his conversation with Ichigo. The Substitute shinigami didn't take to it kindly. He grabbed the plushie tighter.

"I've got it with you," he announced in a grave voice. "You're going to pay. Let's go see Ishida."

"What?" the modsoul blinked in confusion and a bit of fright. "Why?"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

An hour later, Ichigo and Kon were at the Kurosaki's house again.

"I can't believe you!" Kon wailed. "How could you? Aren't we friends? So how could you do something so heinous to me?"

"Shut up, Kon," Ichigo interrupted him, being in no mood for his theatrics. Dealing with the Quincy always took a great deal of patience, but he'd convinced him to do what he wanted. He suspected Uryuu even relished it secretly. "I thought you'd be happy. You are so obsessed with boobs, so now you have a pair on your own."


	74. 12 tasks 2

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: mentions of many

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

The idea of the twelve tasks a shinigami can complete to prove his or her prowess and lack of common sense has been introduced here before. Here are some of the tasks that used to be on the list in the past.

1: Ask Unohana how old is she. If she answers, ask her whether you can call her 'Granny.'

It is unknown whether anyone completed this task. Several people disappeared without a trace while trying.

2: Remove Komamura's helmet. In public.

Won by Captain Zaraki.

3: Make Ichimaru stop smiling.

It's unknown whether somebody completed this task or not. Some contestants were never heard of again.

4: Ask Komamura about his parentage.

Won by a member of his division. Turns out Komamura is from Rukongai and doesn't know his parentage.

5: Write 'Granny's little boy' on the back of Hitsugaya's haori.

The best attempt got as far as 'Granny's litt.' He still hasn't unfrozen.

6: Tell Tousen that his 'Justice' is crap.

The man who dared was treated to a five-hours lecture about the Path of Justice. The lecture was then printed in the Seireitei Communication. Repeatedly and with amendments. After that the challenge was revoked. Nobody wanted to read something like that again.

7: Replace Kyouraku's sake with non-alcoholic version.

Ise Nanao did that once. Kyouraku suffered severe withdrawal symptoms and had to be hospitalized. Since then, Nanao punishes everybody who tries. As much as she hates Kyouraku's lazy habits, she prefers him drunk to ill.

8: Cut Ayasegawa's hair. Plucking out his eyebrows is optional.

One member of the Eleventh once cut a strand accidentally during a spar. Even Unohana was unable to patch him back together afterwards.

9: Wash Captain Kurotsuchi's makeup off his face.

Most people are too scared to try. One did after consuming one glass of sake to many, but he was so drunk he missed Kurotsuchi's face. He ended up as a lab rat anyway.

10: Steal all of Sasakibe's tea.

Some people tried, but nobody succeeded. That guy might be insignificant and forgettable, but that doesn't mean he's weak or stupid. It's unbelievable how many traps are there around Sasakibe's tea stock. He takes his tea seriously.

11: Insult Captain Ukitake in front of Kiyone and Sentarou.

No-one dared. Those two are scary when they're arguing. If they ever cooperated, they would be terrifying.

12: Steal all of Rukia's Chappy figures. Then leave behind a note saying that Chappy ran off because it couldn't stand her crappy drawings.

Nobody dared. It would be not only Rukia, but also Byakuya after them.


	75. Matsumoto's replacement

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Matsumoto, OC

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

"You wanted to speak to me, Matsumoto-fukutaichou?" Arai Hakuba asked as he entered the hospital room. The woman lifted her head from the pillows.

"Yes," she nodded. "Come in and close the door." The man obeyed.

"How do you feel?" he asked.

"Like a Hollow chewed on me and then spat me out," she replied. "Which is pretty much what happened."

"Will you be alright?" Arai wanted to know.

"Oh yes," Matsumoto answered. "I'm expected to make a full recovery. But the healers here say it will take time. Like in nearly two months."

"Oh." The man didn't know what to say to this.

"So because I'll be stuck here for so long, it's your place as our Third Seat to take over the duties of the lieutenant."

"I see." In fact he didn't. In his years spent as the Third Seat of the Tenth Division he still hadn't figured out what exactly the busty woman did except drive Captain Hitsugaya up the wall with her antics and slacker's ways. If it wasn't for her combat prowess, he would have no idea why Captain Hitsugaya even kept her as his lieutenant. In fact, he wasn't sure about it even with her skills. Surely Hitsugaya-taichou was too young to keep her around for the view?

"So I made a list of the duties you have to take over until I can return."

"Uhm." Arai looked at her dubiously. The paper she held in her hand seemed to contain a lot of instructions and all he ever saw her do was drinking and sleeping.

"You think I do nothing, don't you?" she asked, as if reading his mind.

"Well..."

"Don't worry," she waved her hand, "it's a common misconception. In fact, I do many things." She handed him the list. "Read it and ask if you don't understand something." So the Third Seat picked the list and began reading.

_The list of duties of the Tenth Division Lieutenant_

_If you find taichou sleeping on his desk, pick him up and carry him on the couch. If you let him sleep on the desk, he'd be cranky when he wakes up._

_Every day at 11 PM check whether he didn't fall asleep at his desk. If he did, carry him to his room and tuck him to bed._

_If he isn't in his office during the check, try the training grounds. If he fell asleep there, pick him up and tuck him to bed._

_If he is having a nightmare, hug him until it stops. Don't tell him about it in the morning, he dislikes being babied._

_If he spent the whole night doing paperwork, bring him breakfast to his office. He likes rice cakes and milk. He'd look at you dirty for bringing him milk, because it's for children, but don't mind it. He'd drink it the moment you leave the office. Children need milk to grow properly and he knows it._

_If he is doing paperwork for over two hours straight, bring him tea. He gets cranky when he's thirsty._

_If he throws a temper tantrum (happens every few years), tickle him until he stops. The spot between his third and fourth ribs on both sides is very ticklish. In fact, you can try tickling every time he's being difficult. Or give him a hug. Works like a charm. Don't mind when he starts protesting. He actually likes it. Just don't do it in public. He'd turn you into a popsicle._

_Make sure he takes breaks from his work. Otherwise he'd work until he falls asleep on his desk. And then he'd be cranky in the morning. _

"Uh, Matsumoto-fukutaichou..." the Third Seat started.

"What is it, Arai?" She asked. "Didn't you understand something? I hope I didn't forget anything important."

"Those are the duties of a babysitter," he said frankly.

"Oh? Well yes, they are," Rangiku replied.

"What about the duties of the lieutenant? Paperwork, squad training and so?" Hakuba questioned.

"Don't worry about it," Matsumoto smiled. "Taichou takes care for everything. He just can't take care of himself. That's my duty. Now, temporarily, yours."

"Uh..." Arai didn't know how to say it, "maybe you wouldn't have to pick him up when he falls asleep so often if you actually did your share of paperwork."

"And when should I do the paperwork when I have to tend to taichou all day?" she countered.

"Captain Hitsugaya isn't a child," the Third Seat stated.

"On the contrary," Matsumoto shook her head. "He is very much a child. And you are going to find out just how much."

"I hope you're wrong," Arai spoke. She had to be wrong. Captain Hitsugaya might be young and look it, but he was mature, wise and composed. "Because otherwise it means there's a bratty kid with immense power who has our lives in his little hand."

"Scary thought, isn't it?" Matsumoto nodded. "And that kid is eventually going to become a teenager." Arai paled. "Why do you think I drink so much?"


	76. Message board 4

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: many

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Seireitei message board ****4**

**From: Aramaki Makizou**

**To: Hitsugaya Toushirou**

Captain Hitsugaya, please stop forwarding the candy you get from Captain Ukitake to Yachiru. She's hyper enough as it is.

**From: Yamamoto Genryuusai Shigekuni**

**To: Shiba Kuukaku**

I already told you to cease shooting your fireworks over Seireitei. This evening one hit my garden, landed in the koi pond and killed half of my fish.

**From: Kusajishi Yachiru**

**To: Kotetsu Isane**

Come to the next SWA party! There will be lots of snacks! Lots of fishpaste!

**From: Ukitake Juushirou**

**To: Hitsugaya Toushirou**

You don't like my candy? I'm hurt.

**From****: Shiba Kuukaku**

**To: Yamamoto-Genryuusai Shigekuni**

I apologize. It won't happen again. I'm going to change the settings on the Kakaku Cannon right now. The greatest firework master in all Soul Society never misses twice.

**From: Unohana Retsu**

**To: Kusajishi Yachiru**

Why did you mention fishpaste to Isane? You know how she feels about it. Now she locked herself in her room and refuses to come out again.

**From: Kotetsu Kiyone**

**To: Hitsugaya Toushirou**

You made Ukitake-taichou cry. Die!

**From: Kusajishi Yachiru**

**To: Unohana Retsu**

Because it's fun! Giraffe-chan is so funny when she's spooked.

**From: Kotsubaki Sentarou**

**To: Hitsugaya Toushirou**

You made Ukitake-taichou cry. Die!

**From: Unohana Retsu**

**To: Kusajishi Yachiru**

If you come to the Fourth now, I'll show you something even more fun.

**From: Kotetsu Kiyone**

**To: Kotsubaki Sentarou**

Don't copy me, you ape!

**From: Kusajishi Yachiru**

**To: Unohana Retsu**

Yay! I'm coming!

**From: Hitsugaya Toushirou**

**To: Ukitake J****uushirou**

I'm sorry if I offended you. I like your gifts, but there's too many to eat on my own, so I share.

**From: Kotsubaki Sentarou**

**To: Kotetsu Kiyone**

I'm not copying you, booger girl! You stole my line first!

**From: Tatsufusa Enjouji**

**To: Soifon**

Want to come to dinner with me?

**From: Ukitake Juushirou**

**To: Hitsugaya Toushirou**

I'm glad that you like my candy. You can come anytime for more.

**From: Kotetsu Kiyone**

**To: Kotsubaki Sentarou**

That's a lie, monkey-face!

**From: Hitsugaya Toushirou**

**To: Ukitake Juushirou**

Thank you for your kindness, Ukitake-taichou, but I already have more than enough.

**From: Soifon**

**To: Tatsufusa Enjouji**

No.

**From: Kotsubaki Sentarou**

**To: Kotetsu Kiyone**

It's not, midget!

**From: Ukitake Juushirou**

**To: Hitsugaya Toushirou**

But I have some new kinds for you to try, fellow Shiro-chan.

**From: Kotetsu Kiyone**

**To: Kotsubaki Sentarou**

It is, ogre!

**From: Zaraki Kenpachi**

**To: Kusajishi Yachiru**

Hey, Yachiru, where are you? It's dinnertime!

**From: Hitsugaya Toushirou**

**To: Ukitake Juushirou**

Thank you for your offer, but I have no time. I have paperwork to fill and Matsumoto is missing again.

**From: Kotsubaki Sentarou**

**To: Kotetsu Kiyone**

It's not, shrimp!

**From: Kusajishi Yachiru**

**To: Zaraki Kenpachi**

Help, Ken-chan! Braid lady is nasty to me!

**From: Ukitake Juushirou**

**To: Hitsugaya Toushirou**

If you're looking for Matsumoto, I saw her in a bar near the North Gate with Shunsui.

**From: Kotetsu Kiyone**

**To: Kotsubaki Sentarou**

It is!

**From: Zaraki Kenpachi**

**To: Unohana Retsu**

You hurt Yachiru. You're going down.

**From: Hitsugaya Toushirou**

**To: Ukitake Juushirou**

Thank you very much. I'm going to retrieve her now.

**From: Unohana Retsu**

**To: Zaraki Kenpachi**

I didn't hurt her. I merely gave her a complete physical and all the shots she missed in the last ten years. You should be more responsible in making sure she gets all the necessary vaccination.

**From: Ise Nanao**

**To: Ukitake Juushirou**

So that's where my slouch of a captain went! Thank you, Ukitake-taichou, I'm going to beat him to a pulp.

**From: Kotsubaki Sentarou**

**To: Kotetsu Kiyone**

It's not!

**From: Zaraki Kenpachi**

**To: Unohana Retsu**

Details. You hurt Yachiru, you're going to die.

**From: Kyouraku Shunsui**

**To: Ukitake Juushirou**

Owwww! Was that you who told my sweet Nanao-chan where to find me? I thought we were better friends. I'm going to have a lump on my head for weeks.

**From: Kotetsu Kiyone**

**To: Kotsubaki Sentarou**

It is!

**From: Ukitake Juushirou**

**To: Kyouraku Shunsui**

You probably deserved it. You should treat your fukutaichou better.

**From: Yamamoto Genryuusai Shigekuni**

**To: Zaraki Kenpachi and Unohana Retsu**

Do I have to remind you that fighting between captains is forbidden? You don't want to make me angry.

**From: Kotsubaki Sentarou**

**To: Kotetsu Kiyone**

It's not!

**From: Kyouraku Shunsui**

**To: Ukitake Juushirou**

I treat her the best I can! But she never appreciates my gifts of love.

**From: Zaraki Kenpachi**

**To: Yamamoto Genryuusai Shigekuni**

Spoilsport.

**From: Ukitake Juushirou**

**To: Kyouraku Shunsui**

That wasn't what I meant.

**From: Yamamoto Genryuusai Shigekuni**

**To: Shiba Kuukaku**

What are you doing, woman? This time your firework shot through my roof and set fire to the floor next to my bed! Half of my house burned down before the fire was put out. If I wasn't preventing Unohana and Zaraki from killing each other, I could have been hit!

**From: Kotetsu Kiyone**

**To: Kotsubaki Sentarou**

Stop yelling like a monkey! I'm not talking to you anymore!

**From: Ise Nanao**

**To: Kyouraku Shunsui**

Stop chatting, you have paperwork to sign.

**From****: Shiba Kuukaku**

**To: Yamamoto-Genryuusai Shigekuni**

Success! (Almost.)

**From: Kotsubaki Sentarou**

**To: Kotetsu Kiyone**

I'm not talking to you more!


	77. Fighting Hollows

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: none, only mentions

Author's note: This was inspired by a fanart 'How to kill Hollows for newbs' by mysticsteph. Link: mysticsteph .deviantart .com/gallery/?q=How+to+kill+Hollows#/d2guo9l. Check it out, it's good.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach.

**Fighting Hollows for dummies**

_A guide by Urahara Kisuke_

Welcome, dear reader. So you are a budding young shinigami and need some tips on how to defeat your mortal enemies, Hollows? Well, you've purchased the right book. You can learn everything you need to know here, and if you study carefully, you will rise high in the Gotei 13 hierarchy, you might even become a captain.

But enough with the boring prologue, let's get to the important stuff.

**Chapter 1: Spotting a Hollow**

The first step to successfully defeating a Hollow is spotting them before they spot you. If the Hollow spots you first, you'd be at serious disadvantage, often at the receiving end of a sneak attack. And you don't want that, Hollows' attacks tend to be nasty.

Recognizing a Hollow is easy. The first method is through their reiatsu. A Hollow's reiatsu is foul.

Another method is its monstrous body. Most Hollows don't look like any human or animal. So if you see some deformed monster, you can be fairly sure it's a Hollow. But be careful not to kill some poor animal of a species you've never seen before. If it was something endangered, the environmentalists would be very angry with you.

The most reliable method to recognize a Hollow is by its mask. If you see a monster with a white bone mask, it's a Hollow. But before you kill somebody with a mask, make sure there isn't a carnival or Halloween party going on.

Or, if everything else fails, you can tell a Hollow by its hole.

**Chapter 2: Intimidation**

So you've spotted a Hollow and now you want to purify it. Remember, the first step to winning a fight is the intimidation of the enemy. A scared enemy is only half-dangerous. So to best intimidate a Hollow, jump in front of it, assume a heroic pose(1) and shout:

"You foul fiend! I won't allow you to wreak chaos and destruction anymore. I will stop your villainous misconduct now! In the name of Love and Justice, with this sword of Justice, I shall punish you!"

If you deliver those lines in a sure, firm voice, most Hollows would be so scared they would run and the others would shake so hard they wouldn't be able to fight.

**Chapter 3: Fight**

So you've spotted a Hollow, intimidated and it didn't run? You've ran into a tough one. In that case, there's no other option but fight. Fortunately fighting a Hollow is easy and this manual will explain all about it.

Do you see the sword at your side? That is a zanpakutou. This is the only weapon you need. Do you see the wide part covered with cloth or leather? That is the hilt. This is the part you should hold onto. Now grab it and pull it out of the sheath. A long, sharp part would be revealed. That is the blade. It belongs into the enemy.

And that's all you really need to know. Good luck. We hope this guide was helpful.

P.S.: We don't give refunds, dummy.

(1) If you don't know how to make a good heroic pose, you can learn some from the _Introduction to heroic poses for dummies_ by Urahara Kisuke, illustrated by the renown artist Kuchiki Rukia.


	78. Yachiru's power

Genre: Humor/Mystery

Rating: T

Characters: Ichigo, Ikkaku, Yachiru, Zaraki

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

"There's something that's been bugging me," Ichigo said.

"What is it?" Ikkaku asked. It was a nice day of the early autumn in the Karakura town and the two of them wee hanging out while waiting for the next Arrancar attack.

"When we first met, you said that you were the third strongest man in the Eleventh Division. But your lieutenant is Yachiru. Does it mean that the little girl is stronger than you? Because I find that kinda hard to believe, considering how strong you are."

"I know she doesn't look like it, but Yachiru is truly fearsome," Madarame answered seriously.

"Really?" Ichigo questioned.

"Really," the bald shinigami nodded. "I challenged her once. I won't ever dare to do it again." His thoughts turned to the occasion.

-Flashback-

A bit younger Madarame Ikkaku had just been promoted to the Third Seat, after he had defeated his predecessor in a tough battle. His confidence boosted by the victory, he wanted to reach higher. He wanted to become the fukutaichou. And for that, he only needed to beat the little girl who never did anything else but hang off their captain's shoulder. Did she even know how to hold a sword? Ikkaku doubted it.

So one day he walked up to her and announced his challenge. The girl looked at him, her cute little face scrunched in childish concentration.

"So Pachinko-head wants to beat me?" she asked. Ikkaku growled. That impudent brat! But soon she won't dare to call him that abominable nickname anymore.

"That's right," he nodded with a bloodthirsty grin. "I'm going to beat you and take the lieutenant position from you." Yachiru took a deep breath.

"Ken-chan!" she screamed on top of her lungs. "Cueball wants to beat me up!"

With a burst of reiatsu and killing intent, Zaraki Kenpachi appeared. For once, he could find his way perfectly without getting lost. The expression on his face wasn't his usual happy pre-battle grin. It was murderous.

"So you want to hurt Yachiru?" Zaraki growled. Ikkaku gulped.

-End flashback-

Ichigo watched worriedly as Ikkaku paled at the memory, his skin drenched in cold sweat. The Third Seat had a good reason to shake at the memory, it took Unohana over a week to patch him back together.

"So Yachiru is really that fearsome?" Kurosaki asked, wide-eyed.

"Yes," the Third Seat confirmed gravely. "Believe me, Ichigo, You never-ever want to pick a fight with her."


	79. Annoying

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: many

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Tell Captain Hitsugaya that Yachiru hit a growth spurt and she should outgrow him in two years tops.

Cover Ikkaku's head in syrup. Then tell Yachiru his head turned into candy.

Replace Yamamoto's cane with a wooden stick.

Spill Hitsugaya's inkpot over his paperwork right after he finished filling it.

Tell Yachiru that the candy factory burned down and there will be no more candy.

Switch Yamamoto's and Sasakibe's tea stocks.

Explain to Captain Hitsugaya that carrying a heavy burden over one shoulder all the time causes scoliosis and severe back pain. It's especially dangerous for growing children. You might say the same to Ichigo.

Send Aizen a truckload of psychiatry books about superiority complex, god complex and delusions.

Ask Unohana what's up with her hairstyle. Is her braid emulating Yamamoto's beard?

Spread the rumor that thanks to too many shinigami being drunk on duty, the Central 46 is going to prohibit all alcohol in Seireitei.


	80. Scars

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Hisagi, Yoruichi, Soifon, Oomaeda

Author's note: I decided to abandon the official writing of Soifon's name. Soifon looks better than Sui-feng. Who cares about some Pinyin transcription anyway? I doubt most of my readers can read it correctly.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

/*\/*\/*\/*\/*\/*\/*\/*\/*\/*\/*\/*\/*\/*\

When Hisagi Shuuhei walked into the streets of Seireitei that day, he was surprised. Everybody he could see had a set of three parallel scratches running across their face. What was going on? Was that the result of some strange Hollow attack? Did some Hollow's claws carve their faces like it had happened to him fifty years ago? But no, everybody looked too calm for that, so there must have been no attack. But what else could it be? A new fashion trend? But what could have spurred it? Who began it? The only one he knew who had had such scars before was him. Were they emulating him?

Hisagi felt something warm rise in his chest at the thought. So they finally began to appreciate him. All his hard work had paid off. Everybody held him in high esteem and they wanted to show it on their faces constantly like he was showing his admiration for the shinigami who had saved him as a young boy a hundred years ago. He bore the tattoo on his cheek with pride, doing his best to ignore all the comments about the possible meanings of 69. They were all ignoramuses. But now they finally saw the light and showed him the respect he deserved.

Though he would have preferred if they picked the tattoo instead of the scars. That way they would be paying respect to the lat Captain Muguruma and not just him. And it would be also better if they had the scars the same way he did: vertically over his right eye and cheek. Some of them had them on the wrong side of their faces. Some had them horizontally. Others had them completely skewered and a couple weren't even straight. But Hisagi decided not to be so petty. They were all admiring him and that was all that mattered. He could instruct them on the proper placement of the scars later.

Just as he thought that, a black blur appeared. Hisagi blinked in surprise. It was a cat. And as he blinked, it scratched the left side of his face with its paw, giving him a matching set of scars. Then it ran off again, faster than any cat had a right to run. Hisagi blinked again, this time in confusion. What did just happen? Then a loud shout snapped him out of his musings.

"Yoruichi-sama!" Captain Soifon rushed by in hot pursuit of the cat. A moment later, Oomaeda appeared, struggling to catch his breath.

"Damn it," the fat fukutaichou sad between pants, "I can't _–pant-_ see them _–pant-_ anymore. _–pant- _What kind _–pant-_ of stupid _–pant- _idea _–pant- _was to _–pant- _give Yoruichi _–pant pant- _catnip?"


	81. Tattoo

Genre: Humor/Friendship

Rating: T

Characters: Muguruma Kensei, Yodoumaru Lisa

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

69 69 69 69 69 69 69 69 69 69 69

"Wow, Kensei, I never knew you were so straightforward," said Lisa Yadoumaru upon seeing him that day.

"Straightforward?" the captain raised one white eyebrow. "What are you talking about?"

"Your new tattoo, what else?" the Eighth Division Lieutenant replied.

"What's with it?" the silver-haired man shrugged.

"Don't look so innocent," she replied. "I know you aren't but I still didn't peg you for a type to flaunt it so openly."

"Flaunt what? It's just a number."

"Oh, Kensei," Lisa smiled, "I told you to stop playing an innocent. This is no mere number. It has a meaning," she added meaningfully.

"Of course it has a meaning to me," the man answered. "Six is the first kanji of my name and nine is the number of the division I lead. And in western writing system, the two numerals look alike. They go quite well together, don't you think?"

"Yes," the lieutenant chuckled, "they indeed go quite well together. You really have no idea just how much, do you?"

"Care to enlighten me?" the captain asked. And immediately regretted it. It was never a good idea to ask Lieutenant Yadoumaru anything. She always managed to turn it into something perverted. And this time she didn't even have to try.

"Damn it," Kensei was blushing deeply by the time she finished. "I think I'll have the tattoo removed."

"Oh, I think you shouldn't," Lisa said. "Not many people know the meaning of it here. You can have a lot of fun explaining it to them. Especially the girls."

"I just knew you were going to say this. Not everybody is as perverted as you."


	82. Reigai

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Many

**Warning: Spoilers for the latest filler arc.**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**If the reigai weren't homicidal**

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Matsumoto, do your paperwork finally," Hitsugaya scowled at his slacking lieutenant. Both of them. The two identical beauties were lazing on the couch and drinking.

"Aw, taichou, you know how I hate paperwork," the one on the right whined.

"Besides, there's two of you now, so you don't need me," the Matsumoto on the left added.

"There's also two of you," Hitsugaya pointed out. "Can't at least one of you work?"

"Oh, taichou, you're right!" Matsumoto #1 exclaimed. "There's two of us. And that means," she looked at her copy. Then the two women finished the sentence in unison. "We need twice as much sake."

"Well, see you, taichou," Matsumoto #2 singsonged. "We're going to buy some more sake." And the two women bounced out of the room.

"MATSUMOTO!"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Aw, Nanao-chan, how sweet you came today," Kyouraku purred. "And you too, Nanao-chan."

"Taichou, I'm here alone," Nanao replied.

"What a shame. But I'd swear I see both of you."

"You're drunk again."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Yoruichi-sama is mine!" Soifon shouted.

"No, Yoruichi-sama is mine!" Soifon shouted.

"She's mine!"

"Mine!"

A catfight ensued.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Kuchiki Byakuya watched as his family manor was being slowly demolished in front of his eyes. He wished he could do something to save his ancestral home, but all his attempts ended in vain. He was faced with a power more terrible than anything he could have imagined. One Yachiru was bad enough. Two were a sure sign of apocalypse.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"I love Ukitake-taichou the best!" Kiyone shouted.

"I love him the best!" Kiyone shouted.

"Don't copy me, monkey girl!" Kiyone shouted.

"Hey, you just called yourself a monkey!"

"I did not, you monkey!"

"Stop copying me!"

"You're a copy!"

"You are!"

Ukitake closed his eyes. He wished he could close his ears as well, so he wouldn't have to listen to Kiyone arguing with Kiyone right over his bed and Sentarou arguing with Sentarou in the corner. It was all wrong. Kiyone was supposed to argue with Sentarou and Sentarou with Kiyone. That way would everything be alright again. Even if he would hear them twice.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Why did you kick me out, Soifon-taichou?" Oomaeda whined. "Didn't I always serve you faithfully?"

"You?" Soifon shot him a look usually reserved for something unpleasant one just stepped into. "You were always just a big, fat nuisance."

"But I've been so loyal to you," Oomaeda pleaded. "How could you pick the impostor over me?"

"Because he's actually good at the job."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Hitsugaya sighed as he climbed from under the pile of candy. Getting candy from one Captain Ukitake was bad enough. But getting it from two of them was more than he could bear. Literally. Because both Ukitakes decided to outdo the other.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"So where it is?" Zaraki asked.

"Go left," Yachiru sitting on his left shoulder instructed.

"No, go right," Yachiru sitting on his right shoulder disagreed.

"Left," Yachiru #1 scowled.

"Right," Yachiru #2 growled.

"Left!"

"Right!"

"Left!"

"Right!"

"Right!"

"Left!"

Kenpachi just sighed and ran straight ahead.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"You have a bad concussion, Shunsui," Unohana announced as she finished diagnosing him. "It will take a long time to heal. May I inquire how did you come to be injured?"

"My Nanao-chan hit me with her book," Kyouraku answered.

"Really?" Unohana raised an eyebrow. "I thought you were used to it."

"Yes, but now there's two of them doing the hitting."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Nobody can match my beauty," Yumichika said.

"Nobody can match _my_ beauty," Yumichika countered.

"Nobody can match My beauty."

"Nobody can match _My _beauty."

"Nobody can match MY beauty."

"Nobody can match _MY _ beauty."

"Nobody can match **MY **beauty."

"Nobody can match _**MY**_ beauty."

"Shut up, both of you!" Ikkaku shouted. "You look exactly the same!"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Two Cueballs!" Yachiru squealed. "I wonder which one of them tastes better."

"Two Yachirus?" both Ikkakus looked at each other in horror. "Run!"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Yamamoto-soutaichou, the situation with the reigai is dire," Sasakibe-fukutaichou reported.

"What's the matter? I haven't heard about them causing any problems."

"That's not it. They're behaving themselves, but because we now have two Captains Kyouraku, two Lieutenants Matsumoto, two Lieutenants Kira, two Lieutenants Hisagi, two Lieutenants Abarai, Two Third Seats Madarame, Two Third Seats Kotetsu and two Fifth Seats Ayasegawa, Seireitei is running out of sake. Can you imagine what would happen if all the heavy drinkers hit withdrawal symptoms at once?"


	83. Judgement

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Central 46

Author's note: For those who didn't notice, I posted an oneshot too long for this collection as a new story.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

"So this is what we know about the crime," #37 concluded his report on the latest case investigated by the Central 46.

"You finished already?" #22 asked sleepily.

"Yes," #37 replayed with a bit of annoyance in his voice. "Weren't you listening?"

"Sorry," #22 shook his head, "Your report was so boring I fell asleep."

"You aren't here to sleep!" #37 shouted angrily.

"Don't get so worked up," #16 said. "Or do you really expect anyone to listen to those reports? Oh, I forgot, you are new here."

"What do you mean?" #37 asked. Though he himself wondered why was he reading the report. It was so boring. He fully understood why half of the meeting hall was only pretending to be awake. But he would still appreciate if they showed some consideration for his hard work.

"Don't argue," #20 scolded them. "The reading is over and we can finally get to deciding the punishment. Though next time we can skip reading the facts and get to the fun part right away."

"But shouldn't we do some investigation?" #37 asked.

"Why bother?" #8 shrugged. "It doesn't matter anyway."

"Right," #45 grinned. "I can't wait for the judging."

"Yes," #36 agreed, "let's begin."

A large construction was wheeled in the middle of the room. The six judges stood next to it.

"Let's begin," #1 commanded. The first judge spun a wheel-of-fortune. After a long, tense silence, the wheel stopped on 'guilty.' It was no wonder. The wheel was divided into 100 sections and 99 of them said 'guilty.' The last one said 'further investigation needed.' It was usually interpreted as 'spin the wheel again.' #1 wrote down the result. Then he turned to the second judge.

"Proceed," he said. The second judge nodded and spun his wheel. After a long time, it settled on 'prison.' The other possibilities were 'exile' and 'execution.' Judges #3 and #5 sighed. They won't get the chance to spin their wheels today. No deciding means of execution or whether the culprit's reiryoku should be sealed for them. Especially #3 regretted it. He had so hoped that his wheel would stop on 'Hollow pit.' #1 wrote down the results and turned to judge #4.

"Proceed." The wheel was spun. It stopped on 'maximum security cell, no visitors allowed.' #1 wrote down the result before turning to judge #6.

"Proceed," he ordered. The judge spun his wheel. It eventually stopped on the number 4652. #1 nodded and wrote it down. "The judgment is passed," he announced gravely. "For the crime of... uh, what was it again? I think he stole something, but I'm sure it was nothing important. So for the crime the culprit whatshisname is sentenced to 4625 years in maximum security prison, no visitors allowed. Read the next case."


	84. Sleepy

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Nanao, Kyouraku, Ukitake, Yamamoto

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach.

:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:

"Come, little ones," Yamamoto said, "this time it won't end with just punches."

Ise Nanao watched it with terror. Yamamoto's reiatsu was overwhelming. Could they win against him even with two captains there? She wasn't sure. Yet both captains Kyouraku and Ukitake looked perfectly calm. And then Yamamoto's reiatsu suddenly rose. She felt completely stifled by it. She fell to her knees, unable to breathe. She heard Yamamoto speaking, but she couldn't comprehend his words. The reiatsu was the only thing she perceived clearly. And in that moment she knew one thing: there was no chance they could win. They were all going to die here, incinerated by Ryuujin Jakka's flames until not even ashes were left.

And then suddenly Captain Kyouraku was there, comforting her, reassuring her that everything would be alright. She wanted to believe him, he sounded so certain, but how could anything ever be alright when they were facing such monstrous power?

Then she was carried away and she could finally breathe again. But the reiatsu was still there, hot and oppressive. She pushed herself to a sitting position, because her legs still shook and refused to carry her, and watched as the three of the most powerful captains were about to battle. She couldn't hear what was being said, but it looked like it was serious.

Then they drew their swords. Nanao's breath caught in her throat. She wanted to write it off as the effect of the heavy reiatsu, but she knew that it was fear. She could only watch as the three captains stood them facing off, waiting for somebody to make the first move. And waiting. And waiting and waiting and waiting.

Then finally something happened. Kyouraku and Ukitake disappeared in shunpo. Yamamoto made no move to follow. In fact, he made no move at all. He just stood there with his zanpakutou drawn. Nanao didn't understand. What was going on?

Then the two captains appeared next to her. Captain Kyouraku picked her up.

"Let's get out of here," he said.

"But... what happened?" she asked. Yamamoto was still just standing there. What was going on? Why didn't he even try to stop them? He had been intent on killing them just a minute ago. So why the sudden change?

"Genryuusai-sensei fell asleep," Ukitake explained. Fell asleep? While standing up? In the middle of a battle? Huh?

"It happens to him quite often," Kyouraku added.

"He can't help it, being old," the Thirteenth's captain said wistfully.

"You knew this was going to happen?" the lieutenant connected the dots. "That's why you were so calm?"

"Yes," her captain confirmed. "Yama-jii just can't stay awake for any length of time."

"But he will wake up!" she pointed out the obvious flaw in their plan.

"Of course he will," Kyouraku nodded, "but he'd forget what happened by that time."

"His memory is getting worse with every year," Ukitake nodded.

"Another thing he can't help being old," Shunsui added with a wry smile.

"He can just ask," Nanao said. It was the most obvious thing in the world, so why the two couldn't see it?

"No he can't," Kyouraku shook his head.

"Why?" she questioned.

"It would be embarrassing for him to admit he has memory trouble," Ukitake explained.

"You really thought of everything," Ise-fukutaichou sighed. "But how can you be so sure it will work?"

"Because, my sweet Nanao-chan," Kyouraku smiled, "this isn't the first time we've pulled such stunt."


	85. Strategy

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Hitsugaya, Kenpachi, Byakuya

**WARNING: SPOILERS for the latest anime arc, especially episode 324.**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

"Wait," Hitsugaya said. The three captains had just entered the Soul Society with the plan to wipe out the reigai that had replaced them and their creator.

"What is it?" Kenpachi asked.

"We shouldn't just run around and fight with the reigai."

"No?" Kenpachi raised an eyebrow. "You say we shouldn't fight them?" His voice sounded dangerous.

"No," the younger captain shook his head, "they are designed to fight so we'd have to fight them eventually, but we mustn't forget that our primary target is Inaba."

"Then we'd just kill him after we kill the reigai," Zaraki shrugged.

"We should kill him first," Hitsugaya argued. "Without him, the reigai will lose their coordination and it would be easier to pick them off one by one."

"You're not convincing me," Kenpachi said. He was against making his fights easier. But the brat obviously didn't know it.

"If we don't stop him, he can make more reigai," the white-haired boy added.

"Unlimited supply of enemies to fight?" Zaraki grinned happily. "Great! That's a reason not to kill him!"

Hitsugaya looked at Captain Kuchiki, seeking assistance, but the noble probably considered the argument beneath him and just stared there, looking noble and dignified. He obviously had no intention to lower himself to argue with Zaraki. And then Kenpachi sensed reiatsu in the air (quite a feat for him) and ran off to fight his own copy. The boy sighed. Why did he always feel like the only adult in Gotei 13? It was seriously creepy.


	86. Hougyouku

Genre: Humor/Drama/Mystery

Rating: K+

Characters: Aizen, Urahara

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

"What? What's happening?" Aizen shouted in shock and confusion as bolts of Kidou suddenly shot through his body. "The power, the power I held in my hand is disappearing!" He couldn't understand it. He had transcended the boundaries of Hollow and shinigami and evolved into a physical god. And now he was being sealed. Like some common mortal. How could it be happening? Why didn't the Hougyouku do anything about it?

"That is the will of the Hougyouku," Urahara spoke calmly. "The reason the seal was able to activate is because your power was weakening." Then the wretched scientist looked into his eyes. "The Hougyouku has refused you as its master."

Refused him as its master? After it had served him for so long? After it had elevated him to the pinnacle of power? "Impossible," Aizen muttered in horror. "Impossible! Impossible! That can't be! It can't be! It can't be!" He repeated the mantra as more and more kidou spikes plunged into his body painfully. How could the Hougyouku leave him after all he did to obtain it, after all they've been through together? They were about to rule the universe together and it walked out on him just as he was about to achieve his goals. Why? "How can it be? How can you abandon me now, on the eve of my victory?" he wailed in despair.

"It seems you failed to understand the most basic fact about the Hougyouku," Urahara said with an infuriating smile playing on his lips. Aizen wanted to wipe that smile from his face, but he couldn't. The seal held him in place firmly and was slowly covering more and more of his body. "I, as its creator, of course knew it," the exiled scientist informed him smugly.

"What is it?" the god-wannabe asked in desperation. What could it be? What could he have overlooked? He had studied the Hougyouku's powers thoroughly. He knew it better than anyone else. So how could he have missed something?

"The Hougyouku," Urahara paused dramatically, as even more of Aizen's body was being covered until only his face was visible. Before the seal consumed him completely, the last words Aizen could hear were: "...is a jerkass."


	87. Legendary creature

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Hitsugaya

Author's note: Ha, a true drabble. Exactly 100 words.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

He had always thought that it was just a legend. Something people made up to excuse their slacker behavior. Such things didn't happen in real life. There was just no way such creature could exist. He really should have known better. When you mix Matsumoto, Yachiru and the Research and Development institute, anything was possible. And when Matsumoto was involved, of course the one bearing the brunt would be him. So as Captain Hitsugaya surveyed the wreckage in his office, he wondered just how was he supposed to explain to the Soutaichou that a dog had eaten all his paperwork.

Author's note 2:Full title for this was _The legendary homework-eating dog._


	88. Ashido

Genre: Humor/Drama

Rating: T

Characters: Rukia, Ichigo, Renji, Ishida, Nel

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

"So Rukia, I haven't asked you," Ichigo said as they traveled across the sands of Hueco Mundo on the back of Bawabawa, "what did you do all the time alone with that Ashido guy?"

"You sound jealous, Kurosaki," Ishida interjected.

"Shut up," Ichigo scowled. "Aren't you interested in what happened to her?"

"I don't care what happens to shinigami," the Quincy replied with as much conviction as he could muster. He wasn't fooling anyone.

"So what was it like, Rukia?" Renji asked.

"Well," she began, "I found myself alone in a strange place and then all the Hollows appeared. I fought them, but there was no end to them. I tried running, but I ran into a bunch of Gillian. And then Ashido appeared. He saved me and took me to his home."

"He took you to his home?" Ichigo asked suspiciously.

"Now you definitely sound jealous, Kurosaki," Uryuu commented. He was ignored.

"Yes," Rukia confirmed. "It was really cozy there." She ignored Ichigo's murderous expression and continued. "And then he fought me."

"He fought you?" Ichigo and Renji shouted in unison. Even Ishida looked startled.

"Yes," Kuchiki nodded. "He wanted to test how strong I am."

"Sounds like Eleventh Division," Ichigo muttered.

"He really just fought you?" Renji demanded.

"Yes," Rukia nodded, looking a bit confused. "What's the matter?"

"Uh, nothing," Abarai answered hurriedly. "So what happened next?"

"Then he introduced himself and said that he's been in Hueco Mundo for centuries."

"What?" Renji exclaimed? "He's been stuck here for centuries an all he wants to do upon meeting you is fight?"

"Yes," Rukia nodded. She honestly didn't understand what was Renji's problem. "He said I was the first shinigami he'd seen in centuries."

"So," Ichigo spoke slowly, "he hadn't seen a woman in centuries and all he wanted to do was fight?"

"Yes," Rukia answered. "What's wrong with the two of you?"

"What's wrong with us?" Renji echoed. "What's wrong with Ashido! Did he really, honestly just fight you?"

"Yes," she confirmed, "and then we fought some Hollows and searched for you."

"Really?" Renji asked suspiciously.

"Really," Rukia confirmed.

"That just isn't normal," Ichigo shook his head. "Centuries alone and he has no better idea what to do with a girl?"

"Maybe it's been so long that he forgot," Ishida suggested. "Or maybe he's gay."

"Gay?" Rukia scrunched her face in confusion. "He didn't look too joyful." Ichigo and Ishida suppressed giggles, while Renji looked confused.

"I don't know about that," Ichigo said. "Maybe he really forgot. But how do you forget about something like that?"

"Something like what?" Rukia asked.

"What is Itsygo talkin' about?" Nel asked. Everybody jumped. They completely forgot that the tiny Arrancar was there too.

"Yes, what are you talking about, Ichigo?" Rukia demanded.

Ichigo and Uryuu looked at each other, their eyes filled with shared misery instead of competitiveness for once. They had talked themselves into a corner. How were they supposed to explain to Rukia and that baby Arrancar what was it all about without somebody beating them into a pulp?

Ishida looked into Nel's wide, curious eyes. "You know, when a man and a woman..." Before he could say more, there was a shocked gasp. They all turned to Rukia. Her face rapidly changed as first understanding and then anger settled on it, as the Kuchiki finally realized what they had been talking about.

"How dare you..." she growled. "How dare you suggest something like that! I'm a noblewoman! I have honor! You're so lucky nii-sama didn't hear you!"

"Uh," Ichigo began, frantically searching for some good words of apology, "I didn't mean it like that. Of course you have honor."

"Are you doubting Ashido's honor, then?" Rukia demanded. "After all he did for us?"

"N-no," Ichigo stuttered. Rukia made him feel like a wretched person. "Of course he's an honorable man. He wouldn't even think of touching you."

"He wouldn't even think of touching me?" she repeated. "Ichigo, are you saying I am ugly?"

"No," Kurosaki said hurriedly, but Rukia was past reasoning.

"Mai, Sode no Shirayuki!" Ichigo gulped. It looked like there was no avoiding being beaten to a bloody pulp now.


	89. A tough job

Genre: Humor/Mystery

Rating: K+

Characters: Aizen, Tousen, Ichimaru

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

"This can't go on anymore," Aizen announced, when the three traitors met in the throne hall of Las Noches.

"I agree. It's getting worse and worse every day," Tousen nodded.

"We have to do something about it," Ichimaru stated.

"That we do," Tousen agreed.

"Because if we don't, the situation will become unbearable soon," Aizen elaborated.

"Very soon. We have to do something about it," Gin added with his customary grin.

"We do. And we have to do it soon. For Justice."

"Dunno what has it to do with Justice, but we 'ave ta do it," Gin squinted.

"It has to be done," Aizen said.

"That we agree on," Tousen stated.

"But I don't see ya volunteering to do it," Ichimaru observed.

"I don't see you volunteering either," the blind man retorted.

"I don't see why should I volunteer," Gin shrugged. "If Aizen says I should do it, I would."

"That's why you don't understand Justice," Tousen stated. It probably made sense to him.

"If yer so much into Justice, why don't ya do it?" Ichimaru asked. "Coulda be yer scared?"

"Of course I'm not scared!" the blind man protested. "There's nothing to be scared of!"

"Then why don't ya do it?" the silver-haired traitor prompted. "It's nuthin to be scared of."

"It isn't the Path of the least Bloodshed," Tousen replied.

"But it's Justice?" Ichimaru inquired.

"Yes."

"That makes no sense," Gin pointed out.

"It makes perfect sense! You just don't understand Justice!"

"Boys, boys," Aizen interjected. "There's no reason to argue over it."

"I agree," Ichimaru nodded. "He can just do it."

"Why me?" Tousen asked.

"Because yer so much into Justice," Ichimaru replied.

"That isn't a reason," the blind man pouted.

"Yer really scared," Gin observed, his grin widening. "What is it? Can't bear a few scratches?"

"It's against the Path of the least Bloodshed."

"Scaredy-cat!" Ichimaru singsonged.

"Don't joke about such matters!" Tousen scolded him, which make Ichimaru grin so wide that his head nearly split in half.

"But yer a scaredy-cat if yer scared of a wee kitten," Gin pointed out.

"This is no laughing matter!" Tousen protested.

"Seems pretty funny to me," the silver-haired man said.

"It's a dangerous task that always ends in injury! Laughing about it is against Justice!"

"What injury?" Gin cocked his head sideways. "You can't call a few scratches injury."

"A few scratches?" Tousen echoes. "Ichimaru, have you ever done anything like this?"

"Who knows," Gin shrugged with a mysterious smile on his face that Tousen couldn't appreciate. "Maybe I did, maybe I didna."

"I think you didn't," Tousen said. "Otherwise you would know how hard and dangerous task it is. Maybe you should do it so you'd learn more about it."

"Or maybe you shoulda it so yer learn not to be a scaredy-cat."

"I told you not to joke about such matters!" Tousen roared. "Last time I spent a week in the sickbay! I nearly bled out!"

"Maybe ya did it wrong," Gin suggested.

"I didn't do it wrong! But it's a task only the most powerful can complete successfully and even they are at risk!"

"D'ya suggest Aizen-sama do it?" Ichimaru asked. Tousen paled at the implications.

"Enough," Aizen interrupted the argument before it could escalate and before somebody could suggest he should do it. "Gin, stop making fun of Tousen. And Kaname, you go bathe Grimmjow."


	90. Indisposed

Genre: Humor/Mystery

Rating: K+

Characters: Urahara, Tessai, mentions of others

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

"What's going on? I return from my business trip, only to find Karakura nearly razed to ground by a rampaging Hollow," Urahara said sheathing Benihime.

"It wasn't that bad," Tessai said, but the shopkeeper ignored him.

"This wasn't even a particularly strong Hollow," he continued. "Ichigo should have been able to defeat it with one hand tied behind his back. Uryuu and Chad should have no trouble too. Even Orihime and that little Kurosaki girl should have been able to take it down. So why nobody did?"

"They're indisposed, manager," Tessai explained.

"Indisposed?" Urahara asked. "How did it happen?"

"Well, two days ago there was a big Arrancar attack," the big man began.

"Were they wounded?" Kisuke demanded. "Is it serious?"

"No," Tessai shook his head. "It was a tough battle, but they won." The blond man sighed in relief.

"So what's the problem?"

"Yesterday they decided to celebrate it and threw a party."

"And now they're all hungover," Urahara concluded. "What were they thinking? Don't they realize they're still underage?"

"That's not it, manager. They know it well. They didn't even touch any alcohol."

"So what happened then? Another attack?"

"No. There has been no Hollow activity until today."

"No alcohol and no fight? So what could have happened? I don't understand it."

"Well, Inoue-san insisted on cooking for the celebration and some of her creations ended up mixed with the real food before they could be disposed of discreetly. So today everybody is experiencing serious digestive trouble."

"So Orihime's cooking skills could do what even the Arrancar couldn't and disable Ichigo?"

"Yes."

"We should send some to Aizen."


	91. Hot day

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Nnoitra, Harribel

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**

It was hot. It was unbearably, stiflingly hot. It wasn't something the Arrancars were familiar with. It was never a hot day in Hueco Mundo. In fact, it was never day in Hueco Mundo, just an eternal night with a pale moon shining coldly on the endless plain of bone white sand.

But that had changed when Aizen Sousuke came and installed an artificial sun under the gigantic dome of Las Noches. One day, for a reason known only to him, he decided to play with the controls and set them to max. And no matter how much the Espada pleaded, he refused to change it back. Soon, the interior of Las Noches became so hot it made the Sahara desert feel cool and welcoming.

"I swear he does this just to mess with us," Nnoitra muttered as he walked from another unsuccessful attempt to convince Aizen to turn off the heat.

"It isn't our place to question Aizen-sama," Harribel said. She too had been pleading Aizen to turn off the sun and it was just a coincidence that she came at the same time as he did. He wouldn't have talked to her otherwise. Nnoitra hated women and he hated women who were stronger than him even more. Even when they weren't preaching about peace, restraint and self-control. At least in this sense was Harribel a step up from that insufferable bitch Neliel, but otherwise she was just as bad.

"I think he just forgot how to tone it down. Or the controls broke," Nnoitra suggested.

"Aizen-sama would never allow that," the Espada Tres said.

"Then how else do you explain this?" Nnoitra waved his arm in a wide arc, pointing at the plain of blazingly hot sands. "Does he perhaps want to sunbathe on the beach? Well, there is enough sand, but he's out of luck, because there's no sea in Hueco Mundo!"

"Hm..." Harribel said, studying the sandy terrain contemplatively. Then she drew her sword. "Destroy, Tiburón! Cascada!" Five minutes and several Cascadas later, there was a fair sized lake in the middle of Las Noches. Harribel observed her handiwork with a contended smile on her face. "Well, now we can go bathing." Nnoitra nodded, for once agreeing with the female. At the moment, he forgot he hated her. He even wanted to kiss her, but he suppressed the urge and ran to his room for his swimming trunks.

An hour later he was walking towards the lake prepared to take a dip. It took him so long because he realized he had no swimming trunks. He had no need for them, because there was no water in Hueco Mundo. So he ordered Tesla to make him new ones, but the Fracción took too long. Tesla was a lot of things, but a tailor he was not. But he managed somehow and the trunks even fit Nnoitra and didn't look too ridiculous.

As he neared, he saw that Harribel was already there, along with her Fraccións and Lilynette, who was engaged in a water battle with Apacci. But as he wanted to dip in the heavenly cool lake too, Harribel turned to him with an angry look in her green eyes.

"What are you doing here?" she demanded.

"I came to bathe."

"Can't you read?" she pointed at a sign Nnoitra had completely overlooked. "Ladies only! Go make your own lake!" Nnoitra wanted to kill her, but she was the Tercera and he the Quinta for a reason. He knew he wouldn't stand a chance. He sighed and left. He really, really hated women.


	92. Gikongan mishap

Genre: Humor/Horror

Rating: T

Characters: Ichigo, Rukia, Kon, Chappy

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

Ichigo and Rukia were returning home after a long evening of slaying Hollows. Both of them wanted nothing but enter their physical bodies and finally catch some sleep. But as they climbed through the window of the Kurosaki clinic, they were greeted with a sight they hadn't been expecting. Rukia's gigai was nowhere to be found and Ichigo's body was dressed in a yellow sundress with a pink ribbon bow tied in his hair that clashed with its orange color terribly.

"What are you doing?" Ichigo shouted, shocked by the sight. He was used to Kon doing weird things, mainly chasing after everything with boobs, but this was wildly out of character. His body looked at him with wide eyes and a pout on its face.

"Making this body cuter, pyon," it answered. "It looked too dour, pyon, pyon."

"Chappy?" Rukia asked wide eyed. "What are you doing in Ichigo's body?" Ichigo just cringed. The idea of the psychotic gikongan in his body scared him to no end.

"Making it prettier, pyon."

"But how did you get there?" Rukia asked. "Did we switch the gikongan?" she asked with a hint of dread in her voice.

"It looks like it," Ichigo nodded. "But where is Kon?"

"Locked in the bathroom, pyon!" Chappy in Ichigo's body replied cheerfully. It looked very creepy. "He made some very strange sounds, pyon."

Rukia turned green at the mental image of what could the perverted modsoul be doing to her gigai. Ichigo just paled.

"I think you should get a new gigai." Rukia nodded. Ichigo silently wished he could do the same.

Just then the bathroom door burst open and Kon in Rukia's body stumbled out. "Thanks goodness you're here," he sighed in relief.

"Kon!" Rukia slammed her gigai over the head angrily. "What have you been doing to my body?"

"Hiding," he replied.

"Oh?" she raised an eyebrow. "Then what were those strange sounds?"

"I threw up."

"What?" Rukia blinked.

"Yes," Kon nodded. "Do you know what it is like to be a girl?" Rukia glared at him. "Well, for you it is normal to be a girl, but can you imagine what is it like to me? I can't appreciate girls properly!" Kon started crying and tried to bury his face in Rukia's bosom. She swatted him away, not caring that she was technically beating up herself.

"And that thing!" Kon pointed at Chappy in Ichigo's body, "that thing wanted to play!"

"And that thing didn't want to, pyon," Chappy pouted.

"Do you know what was it like?" Kon cried. "I've been scarred for life!"

"Play with me!" Chappy shouted and glomped Kon. The modsoul screamed in terror. "Pyon! Pyon!" Chappy singsonged happily.

Ichigo slammed his substitute badge to the two of them. The two gikongan fell out of their mouths and only two limp bodies remained lying entangled on the ground.

"I suggest we forget about this," the redhead said. "Say, Rukia, do you still have that memory-wiping device?"


	93. Closet pervert

Genre: Humor/Mystery

Rating:T

Characters: Kon, Nozomi, Ichigo, Rukia

**Author's note:** Based on the omake of Episode 318.

**Warning:**** Spoilers for the Gotei 13 Invading Army arc**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

"Hey, Nozomi!" Kon greeted the newest Kurosaki house guest.

"Perverted freak," the green-haired girl replied, barely looking at the stuffed animal.

"Why do you always call me 'perverted freak'? I didn't do anything perverted!"

Instead of an answer, Nozomi pressed the button of the DVD drive in Ichigo's computer. The device slid open, revealing a disk with a clearly erotic cover. Nozomi shot Kon a pointed glare, daring him to deny her accusation now.

"This isn't mine!" the modsoul protested. Once again Nozomi's response was a dubious stare. "Really," Kon continued. "It's Ichigo's computer and his DVD!" Nozomi still didn't look convinced. "Think about it. Do I look like I can walk into a store and buy this kind of thing?"

Just in that moment the door opened and Ichigo walked in.

"Perverted freak," Nozomi greeted him.

"What?" the boy blinked. She just pointed at the offensive DVD. "What's that? Kon, were you buying porn with my pocket money?"

"Why is everybody blaming me?" the stuffed lion huffed. "It's yours. Admit it."

"Of course not," Kurosaki said. "I'm too young to buy such things legally."

"Are you saying it's your father's? He has his own computer," Kon pointed out. Ichigo didn't reply. He was too busy trying to purge the disturbing image from his mind.

Then the door opened and Rukia walked in. When she spotted the scene, she immediately exclaimed: "What are you doing with my DVD?" Everybody stared at her like she had just grown a second head. "What's wrong?"

"Uh, Rukia, you actually watch this?" Ichigo asked slowly, dreading the answer. This could be even worse that the image of Isshin doing... ugh, better not go there.

"I haven't watched it yet, but I wanted to before that Hollow interrupted. Will you tell me now what's going on? Why is everybody staring?"

"Nee-san, I never picked you for the type to watch this," Kon said, his plush cheeks blushing.

"I don't understand why," she said innocently pointing at the picture of girls with bunny ears and tails and very little else. "Of course I'd like a movie about Chappy."


	94. Fairytale

Genre: Humor/Parody

Rating: K+

Characters: Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Yamamoto, Nanao

Warnings: OOC

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

_.-*-._.-*-._.-*-._.-*-._.-*-._.-*-._

Once upon a time, there was a young shinigami captain named Hitsugaya Toushirou. He always worked diligently on his paperwork and delivered it to the office of the old General Yamamoto. But his big bad Lieutenant Matsumoto Rangiku always bothered him, never letting him finish his work in peace. One day, the little Captain Hitsugaya had enough and threw the big bad lieutenant Matsumoto out of his office.

"If you aren't going to do any work, you don't have to be here," he shouted before kicking her out of the door and confiscating her sake. The big bad Lieutenant Matsumoto got angry.

"Just you wait, you little brat," she thought. "I'm going to get you back for this." And she ran to General Yamamoto's office at top speed. When she arrived there, the old General Yamamoto was just sitting behind his desk. He looked up and squinted when he heard her enter.

"Lieutenant Matsumoto? What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I came to smother you," the big bad Lieutenant answered and crushed the old General Yamamoto in her boobs. The old General Yamamoto fainted with a perverted smile on his wrinkled face. She dragged him under the desk dressed in his haori, took his cane and sat on his chair.

Meanwhile the little Captain Hitsugaya finished his paperwork, stacked it into a neat pile and headed for the old General Yamamoto's office. When he arrived, he saw the big bad lieutenant Matsumoto sitting on the old general's chair, dressed in his haori and holding his cane.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I am the old General Yamamoto," she answered making her voice sound deeper.

"Really?" the little captain Hitsugaya asked skeptically. "Then why do you have such big eyes?"

"To see you better with," the big bad lieutenant Matsumoto answered.

"And why do you have such long hair?"

"To charm you better with."

"And why do you have such big boobs?"

"To smother you better with," the big bad lieutenant Matsumoto said and crushed the little captain Hitsugaya in her boobs, cutting off his supply oxygen. He soon passed out and the big bad lieutenant Matsumoto began to give him a cute makeover.

At the time, the diligent lieutenant Nanao was headed there to deliver hers and her lazy captain Kyouraku's paperwork. When she saw the big bad lieutenant Matsumoto playing with the prone bodies of the little captain Hitsugaya and the old general Yamamoto, she quickly smacked the big bad lieutenant Matsumoto on the head with her heavy book, knocking her out cold. Then she slapped the little captain Hitsugaya and the old general Yamamoto awake. Then they tied the big bad lieutenant Matsumoto to her chair and made her do all their paperwork.

And they lived happily ever after. Except for the big bad lieutenant Matsumoto, who is still stuck doing paperwork and her sake is still confiscated.


	95. Message Board 5

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Many

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

**Seireitei message board 5**

**From: Yamamoto-soutaichou**

**To: Ichimaru-taichou**

Ichimaru, stop sending orders to your subordinates via self-destructing Hell Butterflies. There are 178 complaints against you on my desk this week.

**From: Kuchiki-taichou**

**To: Kusajishi-fukutaichou**

Kusajishi-fukutaichou. Next time you want to play 'Battleship,' please don't do it in my koi pond.

**From: Unohana-taichou**

**To: Kotetsu-fukutaichou**

You can come out now.

**From: Ichimaru-taichou**

**To: Yamamoto-soutaichou**

Self-destruct Hell Butterflies are important. We can't have important orders falling into wrong hands. It's all for greater security.

**From: Komamura-taichou**

**To: Kurotsuchi-taichou**

Do you have something against fleas? It seems I've contained Hollow fleas during my last mission.

**From: Unohana-taichou**

**To: Kotetsu-fukutaichou**

Please, Isane, there's nothing to be afraid of.

**From: Soifon-taichou**

**To: Ichimaru-taichou**

So that's where the latest shipment of self-destructing Hell Butterflies for the Onmitsukidou went! Ichimaru, return them at once or I'll come for them personally.

**From: Kusajishi-fukutaichou**

**To: All members of SWA**

Attention everyone! Let's go whaling in Byakushi's koi ponds!

**From: A****yasegawa Yumichika**

**To: Everybody**

Who stole my conditioner? Return it at once or I'll kill you.

**From: Ichimaru-taichou**

**To: Soifon-taichou**

I always appreciate the visit from a beautiful girl. Or any girl. Even you.

**From: Unohana-taichou**

**To: Kotetsu-fukutaichou**

Seriously, Isane, there's no need to be hiding anymore. The fishcake is a lie.

**From: Kurotsuchi-taichou**

**To: Komamura-taichou**

Of course. This is the newest Hollow flea remover. Guaranteed to remove all Hollow fleas and prevent for catching them again for a year.

**From: Yamamoto-so****utaichou**

**To: Ichimaru-taichou**

Stop provoking Soifon, Ichimaru. Do you want to get killed? Do you know how hard it is to find a new captain? We just recently completed the thirteen, so don't make me look for one again.

**From: Kuchiki Rukia**

**To: Everybody**

Where is my Chappy? Have you seen my Chappy? She disappeared! I can't find her anywhere! Something must have happened to her! If you see her, please let me know!

**From: Madarame Ikkaku**

**To: Whoever stole Yumichika's conditioner**

You have nothing to be afraid of. Yumichika locked himself in his room and refuses to come out. You should see his hair. I laughed for ten minutes straight.

**From: Ichimaru-taichou**

**To: Yamamoto-soutaichou**

You're no fun.

**From: Unohana-taichou**

**To: Kotetsu-fukutaichou**

Seriously, Isane, you have patients to treat. And no, there are no fishcakes roaming through the General Relief Station. I already told you, the fishcakes are a lie. No fishcakes are coming for you, so come out already.

**From: Ayasegawa Yumichika**

**To: Madarame Ikkaku**

I thought you were my friend.

**From: Soifon-taichou**

**To: Yamamoto-soutaichou**

I could have gotten the Hell Butterflies from Ichimaru myself. But still, 200 are missing.

**From: Ise-fukutaichou**

**To: Kusajishi-fukutaichou**

Didn't you want to say fishing? I'm positive there are no whales in the Kuchiki koi ponds.

**From: Kotetsu-fukutaichou**

**To: Unohana-taichou**

Are you sure? The fishcakes are tricky. They can be hiding anywhere.

**From: Ichimaru-taichou**

**To: Kurotsuchi-taichou**

Can you make me more of the self-destructing Hell Butterflies? Pretty please?

**From: Hinamori-fukutaichou**

**To: Aizen-taichou**

Please, Aizen-taichou, come back quickly. It's an emergency! Something has destroyed our division's prized flower gardens! There are holes everywhere and half of the plants appear to be eaten! I'm afraid it's a Hollow attack!

**From: Komamura-taichou**

**To: Kurotsuchi-taichou**

I'm forever in your debt.

**From: Yamamoto-soutaichou**

**To: Kurotsuchi-taichou**

Don't send any self-destructing Hell Butterflies to Ichimaru, anyone in the Third Division or anyone who isn't authorized to handle them.

**From: Unohana-taichou**

**To: Kotetsu-fukutaichou**

Yes. I've personally searched the whole hospital and there isn't a single fishcake anywhere. It's safe to come out now.

**From: Kusajishi-fukutaichou**

**To: Ise-fukutaichou**

Whales are just big fish. And the fish in Byakkun's ponds are big.

**From: Ichimaru-taichou**

**To: Yamamoto-soutaichou**

Spoilsport.

**From: Kotetsu-fukutaichou**

**To: Unohana-taichou**

You lied to me! There was a fishcake! I'm not coming out again!

**From: Rikichi**

**To: The escaped Hell Butterfly**

Come back! There's candy! And a beautiful girl butterfly waiting for you!

**From: Ichimaru-taichou**

**To: Shiba Kuukaku**

Can you make Hell Butterflies that explode in fireworks?

**From: Iba-fukutaichou**

**To: Kurotsuchi-taichou**

What was the potion you sent my captain? All his fur has fallen out after using it. He locked himself in his room and refuses to come out.

**From: Unohana-taichou**

**To: Yamada Hanatarou**

Why did you have to bring fishcakes for lunch? You know how Isane feels about them!

**From: Shiba Kuukaku**

**To: Ichimaru-taichou**

Of course! How many do you want and what is your preferred firework color?

**From: Ise-fukutaichou**

**To: Kusajishi-fukutaichou**

Whales aren't big fish. Whales are mammals.

**From: Aizen-taichou**

**To: Kuchiki Rukia**

Please, keep better track of your pet rabbit. It got into our flower garden, ate half of our rare flowers and burrowed in the lily patch, causing my fukutaichou a hysteric fit.

**From: Ichimaru-taichou**

**To: Shiba Kuukaku**

A thousand for a start. Color doesn't matter, just make the explosion big.

**From: Yamada Hanatarou**

**To: Unohana-taichou**

Sorry! It won't happen again!

**From: Rikichi**

**To: The escaped Hell Butterflies**

Please come back already. Do you want to get me in trouble?

**From: Shiba Kuukaku**

**To: Ichimaru-taichou**

I'm right on it! Expect delivery by next week.

**From: Kurotsuchi-taichou**

**To: Iba-fukutaichou**

It removed the fleas, didn't it? You have nothing to complain about. And it isn't like anyone can see whether Komamura has fur or not under his helmet.

**From: Kuchiki Rukia**

**To: Aizen-taichou**

You found Chappy! Thank you! I've been so worried!

**From: Shiba Ganju**

**To: Shiba Kuukaku**

How could you, sister? How can you work for shinigami?

**From: Kusajishi-fukutaichou**

**To: Ise-fukutaichou**

Ken-chan says whales are big fish.

**From: Abarai-fukutaichou**

**To: Rikichi**

Boy, I think Hell Butterflies cannot read.


	96. Rukia's strength

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Ichigo, Rukia

**Warning: SPOILERS for Gotei 13 Invasion Army arc.  
**

**Author's note:** Based on Episode 318. Contains spoilers for the Gotei 13 Invasion Army arc.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

Ichigo sat in his cell, brooding. What had gotten into everyone? Why did they arrest him? Weren't they friends? And what was he even accused of? Nobody had bothered to tell him.

His musings were interrupted by the sound of something dragging on the floor. He lifted his head to see Rukia crawling on the floor, carrying Zangetsu on her back.

"I came to rescue you," she said, traces of strain evident in her voice.

"Why are you crawling on the ground?" Ichigo asked the first thing that came to his mind, the gravity of his situation forgotten at the sight of Rukia on the ground. It was quite funny. In his situation everything that wasn't somber seemed hilarious.

"Because this thing is heavy," she answered, her voice telling him that he should have figured it out on his own.

"Really?" Ichigo asked. "Zangetsu never feels heavy to me."

"Because Zangetsu is your Zanpakutou," she snapped. "It's heavy for everybody else."

"But it can't be possibly this heavy," the redhead mused.

"It's a pretty big piece of metal," Rukia pointed out. "And stop the stupid chatter, somebody can come anytime. I have yet to free you, remember?"

"But when I was wounded after the battle with Renji when I came to rescue you, Hanatarou carried Zangetsu with no trouble," Ichigo remembered.

"Shut up, I came to rescue you, so you have no right to complain," the girl growled.

"Does that mean that Hanatarou is stronger than you?" Ichigo asked, completely ignoring her previous comment.

"What did you say?" she asked angrily, her brow twitching.

"That Hanatarou is stronger than you."

Rukia threw Zangetsu on the ground and straightened up, her eyes blazing. "You know what, Ichigo? If you are so big and strong and I am so feeble and weak, you can save yourself." And then she marched out, slamming the prison door behind her.

"Hey Rukia!" Ichigo called after her dejectedly. "I didn't mean it like that!" No response. "Come back! Please!" Nothing. Rukia was out of earshot. Ichigo sighed. It looked like he had really put his foot in his mouth this time and he'd have to rescue himself. Fortunately Rukia left Zangetsu in the corridor, so it shouldn't be too hard. He reached between the bars for his trusted weapon. And cursed. Rukia had dropped his zanpakutou just out of his reach.


	97. Lieutenant's Bankai

Genre: Friendship/Humor/Drama

Rating: K+

Characters: Matsumoto, Hisagi, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Iba, Renji**  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.  
**

**Bankai speculation**

It was shortly after the three traitors had deserted the Soul Society and the chaos the Gotei 13 had been in was slowly settling down. After the initial flurry of activity, the shinigami finally found some time to relax. So one evening Matsumoto, Renji, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Hisagi and Iba ditched their respective duties and captains and gathered in a bar, intent on getting drunk and having as much fun as possible. Soon, they started bemoaning the recent events.

"This is so depressing," Rangiku slammed her cup on the table a few cups later. "Let's talk about something more positive!"

"What's so positive about this situation?" Hisagi asked. "Three captains betrayed us. I don't see how you can find anything positive about that."

"Hmm... oh, I know! Renji achieved Bankai! Let's celebrate that!" she suggested.

"That is something to celebrate," Ikkaku agreed.

"To Renji!" Yumichika proposed a toast.

"To Renji!" everybody echoed.

"And may more lieutenants achieve Bankai, because we're going to need it," Iba added.

"Why did you have to get so depressing again?" Matsumoto scolded him.

"But it's an interesting idea," Renji thought. "How would the Bankai of other lieutenants look like?"

"I think Oomaeda's Bankai would be a lot like his shikai, it just would be bigger, golden and jewel-encrusted," Matsumoto speculated.

"And it would look just as ugly as him," Yumichika added.

"That sounds about right," Ikkaku nodded. "But it should better give him some spine too, otherwise it would be just as useless as his shikai."

"Really, if he just had some courage, it would make him ten times more effective," Renji agreed.

"Ten times zero is still zero," Yumichika pointed out.

"Too true," Matsumoto nodded.

"He only fights when Soifon is there to threaten him," Renji said.

"Then she makes him a stronger fighter than a Bankai would," Ikkaku theorized.

"He doesn't need Bankai when Soifon is there to push him," Iba concluded.

"He doesn't need to fight at all when Soifon can do it herself and better," Ayasegawa said. "In fact, who needs somebody as ugly and cowardly as Oomaeda anyway? Let's talk about someone more beautiful." His suggestion was met with grunts of agreement.

"Matsumoto will just show her boobs," Hisagi said. "That will knock out everybody faster than any Bankai."

"But what if she fought a girl?" Renji asked.

"Then she'd have a problem," Shuuhei shrugged.

"What problem?" Matsumoto shrugged. "I'd just unleash my real Bankai on her."

"So how would it look like?" Iba asked.

"There would be lots of ash," Rangiku explained. "And it would be burning. It will cut and burn everybody."

"That sounds scary," Renji shuddered, being reminded of his fight with Kuchiki-taichou.

"How can you be so sure what your Bankai would be like?" Ikkaku questioned. Matsumoto smiled mysteriously.

"Call it my feminine intuition."

"I don't really want to know," Hisagi said.

"So who's next?" Iba asked.

"What about Yachiru?" Hisagi wondered. "How would her Bankai look like?"

"What is her shikai?" The only answer was everybody shrugging.

"And does she even need one? She'd just call Kenpachi," Shuuhei said.

"Right. Maybe Kenpachi is her Bankai," Matsumoto suggested jokingly.

"Scary power," Ikkaku shuddered. He wasn't the only one.

"And since we're at the Eleventh, what about Ikkaku?" Matsumoto asked. "He isn't a lieutenant, but he's strong enough to be one."

"I'm stronger than those pussies," Ikkaku declared proudly, but Matsumoto ignored him and continued.

"What would his Bankai look like?" Ikkaku made a strange face and Yumichika and Renji looked at him oddly. It was almost as if they were trying not to laugh. But most people were so inebriated they didn't notice.

"His shikai is a spear, so maybe a really big spear?" Iba speculated. Once again, Ikkaku, Renji and Yumichika looked strange.

"Sounds reasonable," Matsumoto shrugged. "Boring, but reasonable. What about Yumichika?"

"It would be beautiful," the Fifth Seat said.

"I just knew you were going to say that," Matsumoto muttered.

"It isn't like Yumichika ever talks abut anything else," Hisagi added.

"Because I'm worth to be talked about," Ayasegawa declared proudly.

"Let's move on to the next fukutaichou before Yumichika starts praising himself again," Iba suggested. Everybody except the Fifth Seat agreed.

"Let's do you, Shuuhei. What do you think your Bankai would look like?" Matsumoto asked, leaning closer. Hisagi blushed, trying not to stare at her assets. He failed miserably. The distraction made him almost unable to answer.

"I... uh... haven't thought about it..."

"Come on," she prodded. "Everybody wonders."

"Of course," Shuuhei said, thinking about something that had nothing to do with zanpakutou.

"Stop teasing him, Rangiku," Renji said. "He's going to faint."

"Spoilsport," Matsumoto muttered, leaning back. Once her cleavage wasn't any longer in his face, Hisagi could breathe and think again.

"So what will your Bankai be like?" Iba repeated the question.

"I really prefer not to think about it," Shuuhei said. His shikai was scary enough.

"Wimp," Ikkaku said.

"So we have to figure it out without you," Renji concluded. "Does anyone have any ideas?"

"Hm..." Iba mused, "his shikai are those scythes on the chain, so maybe lots of big scythes on chains?"

"That's unimaginative," Matsumoto pouted.

"Most Bankai are just bigger versions of shikai," Ikkaku pointed out.

"Since when are you an expert?" she shot back.

"Uhm... I just saw some released," the bald man replied. Everybody was too drunk to think about the reason for his hesitation.

"Everybody here did and we aren't experts," she pointed out.

"Does it matter?" Yumichika interjected. Ikkaku silently thanked him. "There are still people to talk about. So how would Iba's Bankai look like?"

"Hm... his zanpakutou is a tanto, but in shikai it grows really big. So in Bankai it would be as big as a house!" Ikkaku speculated.

"And he'd have trouble moving it!" Matsumoto added cheerfully.

"Don't talk like I'm not even here," Iba huffed.

"Oh, sorry, Tetsuzaemon. You've been silent for so long I forgot you're there," Matsumoto said. Iba scowled. This was a great insult to his male pride. How could any woman forget about somebody so manly? He'd have to bring it up at the next Shinigami Men Association. They'd have to work on yet another way to increase their manliness.

"We did the seventh, so let's move to the Eighth," Hisagi suggested, seeing that the conversation was being derailed.

"Nanao?" Matsumoto made a thoughtful face. "It would probably be a giant book to smash everyone around. Or maybe she'd remove her glasses. Or maybe both." He shuddered. "That's just too scary." Iba shuddered. That was indeed too scary. She had used it when she had kicked the SMA out of their meeting room. It was something he didn't want to experience again. He didn't even want to think about it anymore. So he hastily suggested the name of the first lieutenant that came to mind.

"What about Isane?"

"What's her shikai anyway?" Hisagi asked.

"Itegumo," Matsumoto answered. "It makes those two prongs grow from the base of her sword."

"But what does it do?" Iba wanted to know.

"I'm not sure," the blonde shrugged, making her assets bounce and Hisagi blush. "I never saw it actually do anything."

"Well, she's from the Fourth, so it probably does some healing," Yumichika speculated.

"But she was trying to use it in a fight," Matsumoto pointed out. That reminded everybody of the recent events on the Soukyouku Hill, which was precisely what they were trying to forget about.

"And you know how well that went," Iba reminded them. "I still think it's a healing sword. So its Bankai should be some better, faster healing."

"That sounds wimpy," Ikkaku scoffed.

"I dare you to say it when you're all cut up and she's putting you back together," Rangiku said.

"We said no depressing stuff," Yumichika complained.

"Right," Matsumoto agreed. "Let's just move on. What about Sasakibe?"

"Who?" Renji blinked.

"The First Division guy," Hisagi explained.

"Oh, that one," the redhead nodded. "Uh, does anyone have an idea what his shikai is?" Nobody did.

"I think most people don't know he exists," Ikkaku stated. Nobody disputed the theory.

"So who else is there?" Matsumoto asked. "Nemu?"

"Did anyone ever see her use shikai?" Renji asked.

"Maybe it's a good thing we haven't seen it," Yumichika mused.

"What do you mean?" Ikkaku questioned.

"She's Kurotsuchi's creation," the Fifth Seat explained. "Whatever her shikai is, it is his creation too. It's probably something that will give you nightmares for a year. And her Bankai would be ten times worse."

"You know what?" Matsumoto said. "That sounds like a pretty scary Bankai. Nightmares for ten years... I need my beauty sleep. I certainly won't go challenging her."

"What about Hinamori?" Iba asked.

"What did I say about depressing topics?" Matsumoto scolded him.

"We're hitting a lot depressing topics, considering we said we'd avoid them," Ayasegawa observed. "But I think it would be really big fireballs. And really hot."

"Yes. Let's not talk about Hinamori anymore," Rangiku decided. "Or we'll all going to cry into our sake." Renji hastily lifted his head, revealing that he had been crying into his sake. He quickly wiped his eyes and pretended that something had fallen into them.

"Who didn't we name yet," Matsumoto mused, "hmm, what about Kira? I can't believe we almost forgot about Kira!"

"I'd think he's not as forgettable as that First Division guy, what's his name?" Renji asked. Nobody bothered to answer him.

"What is his shikai?" Iba asked.

"Does that wimp even have one?" Ikkaku questioned.

"Of course he does," Matsumoto said. "He's a lieutenant."

"So do you know what is it?"

"As a matter of fact, I do," she replied smugly.

"So you know what it is?" the bald man questioned. "Because nobody else does."

"I know it!" Renji said. "But I'm not supposed to tell."

"Then I'll say it," Matsumoto decided. "He makes everything his sword hits twice as heavy."

"That's it?" Ikkaku asked unimpressed. "That sounds like a pretty lame shikai. Twice as heavy doesn't make a difference."

"It's actually quite dangerous," Rangiku disagreed. "Block his sword enough times and your weapon will become so heavy you won't be able to lift it."

"Maybe a wimp like you wouldn't be able to lift it. But I am a strong man of the Eleventh Division," Ikkaku boasted.

"He's also bad at Math," Yumichika added.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ikkaku took offense.

"Don't argue," Matsumoto scolded them. "We're not here to fight. Let's move on to the next fukutaichou."

"Uh... I think we already did all," Hisagi said. "Or do you want to start with the Third Seats?"

"Why not?" Matsumoto shrugged. "We already discussed one and even a Fifth Seat. We can talk about the others too."

"Better not," Renji shrugged. "Can you imagine what would happen if Kiyone and Sentarou achieved Bankai?" Everybody shuddered.

"They'd unleash it during their next squabble," Hisagi shuddered. "And considering how often that happens..."

"It'd be the end of Seireitei."


	98. Las Noches Message Board

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: many

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach  
**

**Las Noches**** Message board**

**... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...  
**

**From: Loly Aivir****rne**

**To: Aizen Sousuke**

I love you, Aizen-sama!

**From: Nnoitra Gilga**

**To: Nelliel to Odelschwanck**

I hate you.

**From: Ichimaru Gin**

**To: Tier Harribel**

Wanna have dinner with me?

**From: Loly Aivir****rne**

**To: Aizen Sousuke**

I love you, Aizen-sama! Do whatever you please with me!

**From: Tier Harribel**

**To: Ichimaru Gin**

Only if you're the main course.

**From: Loly Aivir****rne**

**To: Aizen Sousuke**

I love you, Aizen-sama! I'll do anything to prove it to you.

**From: Emilou Apacci**

**To: Franceska Mila Rose**

Loly is at it again. Will that bitch never learn? She can't possibly catch Aizen-sama's attention looking like that.

**From: Ichimaru Gin**

**To: Tier Harribel**

Ah, a kinky girl. I like it. So it's a date?

**From: Loly Aivir****rne**

**To: Aizen Sousuke**

I love you, Aizen-sama! I love you more than anyone else!

**From: Nnoitra Gilga**

**To: Nelliel to Odelschwanck**

I hate you. Hear this? I said I hated you. Why don't you say something?

**From: Franceska Mila Rose**

**To: Emilou Apacci**

Like you're one to talk. Have you looked in the mirror lately?

**From: Loly Aivi****rrne**

**To: Aizen Sousuke**

I love you, Aizen-sama! I cannot live without you!

**From: Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**

**To: Nnoitra Gilga**

Nelliel isn't here anymore, remember, you moron? Fight me instead! I'll be more than happy to kick your ass!

**From: Tier Harribel**

**To: Ichimaru Gin**

No.

**From:**** Emilou Apacci**

**To: Franceska Mila Rose**

What's that supposed to mean?

**From: Ulquiorra Cifer**

**To: Loly Aivirrne**

Silence, woman. Aizen-sama will never waste his time with trash like you.

**From: Ichimaru Gin**

**To: Tier Harribel**

Playing hard to get? I see. I guess I'll have to compliment you now and bring you flowers, don't I? So, dear Tier, you have really nice boobs. Almost like Rangiku.

**From: Cyan Sung-Sun**

**To: Emilou Apacci**

She called you ugly, in case you have trouble figuring it out.

**From: Loly Aivirrne**

**To: Ulquiorra Cifer**

You're mean! I'll tell Aizen-sama you've been mean to me.

**From: Tier Harribel**

**To: Ichimaru Gin**

I'm not going out with you.

**From: Emilou Apacci**

**To: Cyan Sung-Sun**

Of course I don't! And did you just call me stupid?

**From: Nnoitra Gilga**

**To: Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**

As if you could, weakling.

**From: Loly Aivirrne**

**To: Aizen Sousuke**

I love you, Aizen-sama! Ulquiorra has been mean to me! He called me trash! Please punish him, Aizen-sama. I love you, Aizen-sama.

**From: Ichimaru Gin**

**To: Tier Harribel**

That's alright. We can stay inside.

**From: Cyan Sung-Sun**

**To: Emilou Apacci**

You're so easy to rattle. And figure it out on your own.

**From: Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**

**To: Nnoitra Gilga**

Of course I can! Just come here and I'll show you. Unless you're scared.

**From: Tousen Kaname**

**To: Everybody**

This message board was created to promote Justice, not meaningless squabbles!

**From: ****Franceska Mila Rose**

**To: Emilou Apacci**

You look even uglier when you're angry.

**From:**** Szayel Aporro Granz**

**To: Aizen Sousuke**

I need some test subjects. Can I use Loly? You must be fed up with her whining already.

**From: Tier Harribel**

**To: Ichimaru Gin**

If you come within ten paces of me, I'm going to kill you.

**From: Emilou Apacci**

**To: Franceska Mila Rose**

At least I don't look like a whore.

**From: Loly Aivirrne**

**To: Szayel Aporro Granz**

How dare you? I'm going to complain to Aizen-sama.

**From: Nnoitra Gilga**

**To: Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**

I'm going to kill you.

**From: Franceska Mila Rose**

**To: Emilou Apacci**

Sour grapes, Apacci, sour grapes. You know I'm fairier than you. You can never hope to match my beauty,

**From: Loly Aivirrne**

**To: Aizen Sousuke**

I love you, Aizen-sama! Szayel is mean to me! He wants to use me as his test subject. Please don't let him, Aizen-sama. I love you, Aizen-sama!

**From: Tousen Kaname**

**To: Everybody**

Stop the squabbles! They're against Justice!

**From: Ichimaru Gin**

**To: Tier Harribel**

Spunky girl. I love those.

**From: Charlotte Chuhlhourne**

**To: Franceska Mila Rose**

I'm the most beautiful of all!

**From:**** Zommari Ruroux**

**To: Everybody**

Accept the power of my Amor!

**From: Menoly Mallia**

**To: Loly Aivirrne**

Can you stop it already? Aizen's not going to love you, so deal with it. But somebody might kill you if you don't quit your whining.

**From:**** Franceska Mila Rose**

**To: Charlotte Chuhlhourne**

Piss off, you freak!

**From: Tier Harribel**

**To: Ichimaru Gin**

I meant it. I will kill you if you come near me.

**From: Coyote Starrk**

**To: Nnoitra Gilga and Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**

Can't you two kill other quietly? I can't sleep in the racket you're making.

**From: Charlotte Chuhlhourne**

**To: Franceska Mila Rose**

How dare you insult my beauty?

**From: Tousen Kaname**

**To: Nnoitra Gilga and Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**

Cease the meaningless battle! It's against the Path of the Least Bloodshed!

**From: Loly Aivirrne**

**To: Menoly Mallia**

I thought you were my friend.

**From: Aizen Sousuke**

**To: Tier Harribel**

Did you have to put Gin in the hospital? Do you know how hard it's to get new minions?

**From: Tousen Kaname**

**To: Franceska Mila Rose and Charlotte Chuhlhourne**

Cease the pointless arguing immediately! It's against Justice!

**From: Tier Harribel**

**To: Aizen Sousuke**

I know. That's why I let him live. Though some of his body parts might not regain full function.

**From: Ulquiorra Cifer**

**To: All lower-ranking Arrancar**

Trash.


	99. Growth spurt

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Hitsugaya, Matsumoto

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

When Captain Hitsugaya dressed up in the morning, he realized his uniform was a bit short on him. He blinked in surprise. Was it true or did he just imagine it? He did a double take. The uniform was still one size too small for him. Maybe he had put it on the wrong way? He undressed and dressed again. The clothes were still small. And those were undoubtedly his clothes. The laundry staff couldn't have possibly sent him somebody else's uniform. There was no shinigami shorter than him other than Yachiru and her shihakushou would be much smaller. So there was only one explanation: he had grown.

The realization prompted him to do a victory jig. He was finally growing up! It wouldn't take long now and nobody would call him squirt or pipsqueak anymore! He wouldn't be the shortest captain and second shortest shinigami anymore! He was going to be just as tall as any of them! And maybe even taller! They wouldn't look down on him anymore. He'd be the one looking down on them. He'd be as tall as Kenpachi, spikes, bells and all. He'd maybe grow even as tall as Komamura! Now that was one alluring thought. Everybody would reach up to his waist for a change, instead of the other way around. He couldn't wait for it to happen. And it was bound to happen soon, when after so many decades of waiting he finally hit a growth spurt. So no more climbing on chairs to reach something on a high shelf, no more people saying they couldn't see him down there. Finally, he was going to be TALL.

His victory dance was interrupted by the door slamming open. He stopped in his tracks to see Matsumoto staring at him like he had lost his marbles. A part of his mind pointed out that his victory dance wasn't exactly sane behavior, but he ignored it. He was getting tall finally. That called for a celebration.

"What are you doing, taichou?" the lieutenant asked.

"What are you doing here?" he shot back. It wasn't unusual for her to burst into his room uninvited, but this time her intrusion was especially unwelcome. And her uniform especially scandalous. Her boobs were showing even more than usual. Or was he just noticing them more? If he was finally growing up, it was possible that he was already hitting puberty and that would mean that he would become just as susceptible to Matsumoto's chest as all other guys. He shuddered inwardly when he remembered what he had seen various males do at the sight of his lieutenant's cleavage. Growing up wasn't all fun if it meant becoming an idiot like them. But that was a small price to pay for finally being tall. But maybe he didn't have to worry about rampant hormones just yet, because a double take revealed that Matsumoto's shihakushou was really showing more than usual while simultaneously being tighter. It wasn't just his perception of things. Did her boobs hit a growth spurt too? That was a scary thought. They were dangerous enough as they were.

"It's terrible, taichou!" Matsumoto wailed.

"What is?" he asked sternly, trying to look like a respectable captain again. It was hard after Rangiku had seen him dancing. She was bound to blab to all her friends and her friends made up half of the Gotei 13.

"My uniform!"

"It's indeed terrible," Hitsugaya agreed. "Your breasts are going to fall out any moment. Can't you cover them up?"

"That's the problem, taichou! I can't! My uniform shrunk!"

...

"What?" Hitsugaya blinked after a moment of stunned silence. Now he looked closely, Matsumoto's sleeves and hakama seemed a bit shorter than usual.

"The uniform shrunk!" Matsumoto repeated. "The Fourth Division crew tried some new detergent they got from the Twelfth and all the uniforms shrunk!"

"All the uniforms?" he echoed. Even his?

"Yes," she confirmed. So he hadn't grown? Drat.


	100. Las Noches Message Board 2

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: many

**Author's note:** Wow, a hundred chapters. I never thought I'd make it this far. Thanks for all the readers who stuck with this collection for so long.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.  
**

**Las Noches Message Board 2**

**From: Loly Aivirrne**

**To: Inoue Orihime**

How dare you come here, you slut?

**From: Ichimaru Gin**

**To: Tousen Kaname**

Hiya, Kaname! Whazzup?

**From: Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**

**To: Everybody**

I'm the King!

**From: Inoue Orihime**

**To: Loly Aivirrne**

I was kidnapped. I'm being held here against my will.

**From: Tousen Kaname**

**To: Ichimaru Gin**

Do you have to _write _with that infernal accent?

**From: Barragan Louisenbairn**

**To: Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**

Shut up! I'm the King!

**From: Loly Aivirrne**

**To: Inoue Orihime**

Do you think I'll believe that? I'm not stupid! You cannot have Aizen-sama! I'm gonna kill you first!

**From: Zommari Rur****eaux**

**To: Everybody**

Accept the power of my Amor!

**From: Lilynette Gingerbuck**

**To: Coyote Starrk**

Wake up!

**From: Inoue Orihime**

**To: Loly Aivirrne**

What are you talking about?

**From: Ichimaru Gin**

**To: Tousen Kaname**

Wha a'cent? Whad ya talkin' 'bout?

**From: Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**

**To: Barragan Louisenbairn**

I'm the King, you withered skeleton!

**From: Loly Aivirrne**

**To: Inoue Orihime**

I'm going to kill you. It's that simple enough for you to understand?

**From: Tousen Kaname**

**To: Ichimaru Gin**

This! Why cannot you at least write normally, when speaking intelligibly is clearly above your capabilities?

**From: Lilynette Gingerbuck**

**To: Coyote Starrk**

Wake up already!

**From: Inoue Orihime**

**To: Kurosaki Ichigo**

Save me! I've been kidnapped! They want to hurt me!

**From: Barragan Louisenbairn**

**To: Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**

I'm the King, you mangy kitten!

**From: Zommari Rur****eaux**

**To: Everybody**

Accept the power of my Amor! Who wants the power of my Amor?

**From: Ulquiorra Cifer**

**To: Inoue Orihime**

Kurosaki cannot read this, woman.

**From: Ichimaru Gin**

**To: Tousen Kaname**

I write an' speak normal. Tis ev'ryone else talkin' all funny.

**From: Nnoitra Gilga**

**To: Nelliel tu Odelschwanck**

I hate you.

**From: Inoue Orihime**

**To: Ulquiorra Cifer**

Kurosaki-kun will save me!

**From: Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**

**To: Barragan Louisenbairn**

I' the King, you decrepit old fossil!

**From: Tousen Kaname**

**To: Ichimaru Gin**

You're doing it to make me angry, aren't you? Such behavior is against Justice.

**From: Ulquiorra Cifer**

**To: Inoue Orihime**

The trash cannot event get to Hueco Mundo.

**From: Barragan Louisenbairn**

**To: Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**

I'm the King, you flea-bitten fur rug!

**From: Ichimaru Gin**

**To: Tousen Kaname**

Ya shouldna ask such questions. I'm not askin' how are ya reading this either. Wait, how d'ya read this?

**From: Inoue Orihime**

**To: Ulquiorra Cifer**

Kurosaki-kun isn't trash! When he gets here, he's going to kill you!

**From: Nnoitra Gilga**

**To: Nelliel tu Odelschwanck**

I really, really hate you.

**From: Aizen Sousuke**

**To: Barragan Louisenbairn and Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**

What does it matter who is the king? I am the God!

**From: Ulquiorra Cifer**

**To: Inoue Orihime**

The trash cannot even touch me, woman.

**From: Lilynette Gingerbuck**

**To: Coyote Starrk**

Wake up, you lazy bum!

**From: Tousen Kaname**

**To: Ichimaru Gin**

My eyes can see the Path of Least Bloodshed!

**From: Inoue Orihime**

**To: Kurosaki Ichigo**

Hurry, Kurosaki-kun! They are mean to me!

**From: Zommari Rur****eaux**

**To: Everybody**

Accept the power of my Amor! Why don't you want the power of my Amor? It's for free!

**From: Ichimaru Gin**

**To: Tousen Kaname**

Ya and yer Justice. But how does it help with letters?

**From: Ulquiorra Cifer**

**To: Inoue Orihime**

Why do you keep calling for that trash? He isn't going to help you.

**From: Lilynette Gingerbuck**

**To: Coyote Starrk**

Get up! I know you aren't really asleep!

**From:**** Menoly Mallia**

**To: Zommari Rureaux**

You sound even more pathetic than Loly. I thought it was impossible.

**From: Kurosaki Ichigo**

**To: Inoue Orihime**

Wait for me, I'm coming!

**From: Tousen Kaname**

**To: Ichimaru Gin**

Don't underestimate the power of the Force... eh... Justice.

**From: Nelliel tu Odelschwanck**

**To: Nnoitra Gilga**

Still as immature and violent as ever, I see.

**From: Inoue Orihime**

**To: Kurosaki Ichigo**

Kurosaki-kun! I knew you'd come!

**From: Loly Aivirrne**

**To: Menoly Mallia**

I thought you were my friend.

**From: Lilynette Gingerbuck**

**To: Coyote Starrk**

Stop ignoring me and wake up!

**From: Ichimaru Gin**

**To: Tousen Kaname**

I ain't takin' ya to the movies ever again.

**From: Nnoitra Gilga**

**To: Nelliel tu Odelschwanck**

Oh, crap, you're really here?

**From: Inoue Orihime**

**To: Ulquiorra Cifer**

Ha! I told you so!

**From: Aaroniero Arruruerie**

**To: Aizen Sousuke**

Why is the artificial sunlight in Las Noches? You know my powers don't work in the sunlight.

**From: Tousen Kaname**

**To: Ichimaru Gin**

What? But I love movies! The actors, costumes, beautiful sceneries...

**From: Nelliel tu Odelschwanck**

**To: Nnoitra Gilga**

Observant as ever.

**From: Lilynette Gingerbuck**

**To: Coyote Starrk**

Get up! Harribel's getting naked!

**From: Ulquiorra Cifer**

**To: Inoue Orihime**

He's still trash.

**From: Aaroniero Arruruerie**

**To: Aizen Sousuke**

Seriously, why the sunlight? Do you know how many people hate it?

**From: Nnoitra Gilga**

**To: Nelliel tu Odelschwanck**

I'm going to kill you, woman!

**From: Ichimaru Gin**

**To: Tousen Kaname**

Ha! I knew yer not blind!

**From: Yammy Llargo**

**To: Ulquiorra Cifer**

Ssuld I kil da invaidurz?

**From: Aaroniero Arruruerie**

**To: Aizen Sousuke**

Are you ignoring me? Why does the artificial sunlight has to be here? It makes no sense!

**From: Inoue Orihime**

**To: Ulquiorra Cifer**

You're a walking corpse. Just wait until Kurosaki-kun gets here.

**From: Nelliel tu Odelschwanck**

**To: Nnoitra Gilga**

You still haven't learned.

**From: Lilynette Gingerbuck**

**To: Coyote Starrk**

Why didn't that stir you? Are you gay or what?

**From: Ulquiorra Cifer**

**To: Yammy Llargo**

Learn correct spelling first.

**From: Aizen Sousuke**

**To: Aaroniero Arruruerie**

Because I said so.

**From: Inoue Orihime**

**To: Kurosaki Ichigo**

Save me!

**From: Nnoitra Gilga**

**To: Nelliel to Odelschwanck**

I'm really going to kill you! I'm much stronger now than you remember!

**From: Lilynette Gingerbuck**

**To: Everybody**

Hey! Starrk is gay!

**From: Aaroniero Arruruerie**

**To: Aizen Sousuke**

That isn't a reason!

**From: Yammy Llargo**

**To: Ulquiorra Cifer**

Wat dat? Sum gud punch? Hous it dan?

**From: Nelliel to Odelschwanck**

**To: Nnoitra Gilga**

Pity you didn't get smarter as well.

**From: Coyote Starrk**

**To: Lilynette Gingerbuck**

Shut up. I can't sleep.

**From: Aizen Sousuke**

**To: Aaroniaro Arruruerie**

It is reason enough for me.

**From: Ulquiorra Cifer**

**To: Yammy Llargo**

Just forget about it. You're obviously a lost cause.

_Apologies to all readers. The rest of the message board has been destroyed during the battle and is therefore unreadable._


	101. Slippery floors

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: captains and lieutenants

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

There was an emergency joint meeting of all the captains and lieutenants of Gotei 13 taking place. The reason? All the wooden floors in Seireitei suddenly became very slippery.

"The current situation is a big problem," Unohana spoke. "143 shinigami has been hospitalized with various injuries, mostly fractures and hematoma, and the count will rise if something isn't done to stop it."

"It's your fault," Kurotsuchi pointed at Unohana. "Your division is responsible for floor sweeping!"

"And my division does its duties diligently," Unohana replied quietly. "The Twelfth is responsible for supplying us with cleaning supplies. Yesterday, they supplied us a new brand of floor polish. We used it and it had this unexpected side-effect."

"Our products are perfectly safe for use," Kurotsuchi stated. "It's your fault for not knowing how to use them properly."

"There were no written instructions on the bottles," Isane pointed out in a tone unusually bold for her.

"Really," Matsumoto said in an accusing tone, "you should be more careful with the cleaning supplies you produce. Last time your new detergent shrunk our clothes, taichou thought he had grown."

"Matsumoto!" Hitsugaya shouted angrily, his face red with shame. He hoped his lieutenant would get the hint and shut up, but the blonde was on a roll. There was no stopping her now.

"The look of crushed hope on his face when he realized that it was just a shrunk uniform was the most heart-wrenching thing I have ever seen. Honestly, how can you traumatize little children so much? What kind of monster are you?"

"Is it my fault that some people are stupid enough to draw such conclusion without verifying it?" Mayuri shot back.

"Awww, so lil' taichou thought he grew?" Ichimaru smiled. Hitsugaya shot him an icy glare. Ichimaru grinned wider. Half of the people present were struggling not to laugh. The others weren't even trying. Hitsugaya pouted.

"Don't change the subject," Aizen interjected. "These slippery floors are really a problem. I broke three pairs of glasses today."

"I broke four pairs," Tousen announced, proud that he outdid Aizen in something.

"And I slipped and broke my kenseikan," Byakuya added.

"Why don't you remove your socks?" Kyouraku asked. "I have no problem."

"That would be undignified," the nobleman answered.

"And falling on your face is dignified how?" Shunsui asked.

"Spoilt princess," Kenpachi scoffed at Byakuya's address. He wasn't wearing his socks. "What would you do if somebody attacked you now? Slide around?"

"Sliding around is so much fun!" Yachiru squealed, sliding from one side of the room to the other and giggling merrily. On her way, she crashed into Kira, who crashed into Ichimaru, who crashed into Aizen and soon the odd-numbered captains tumbled down like dominoes. Only Kenpachi and Ukitake remained standing, because there's nothing that can knock over Kenpachi and Ukitake was hidden behind him.

"These were my fourth glasses!" Aizen shouted.

"I'll lend you mine," Momo offered, forgetting she didn't wear glasses.

"My fifth!" Tousen wailed.

"Silence!" Yamamoto called once everybody scrambled to their feet. It took while, because they kept slipping. "We aren't here to bicker. We're here to solve the current crisis. Kurotsuchi-taichou, do you have something to counteract the effects of the floor polish?"

"As a matter of fact, I do," the creepy scientist answered smugly.

"So how fast can you make the floors normal again?" Kuchiki asked. He was so glad that he hadn't been knocked over. He had no more spare kenseikan and the Head of the Kuchiki Clan couldn't be seen in public without one.

"We can't," Kurotsuchi replied, "but we have these special socks that adhere to the smooth surface perfectly and never slip."

"How soon can you distribute them to our forces?" Yamamoto wanted to know.

"Soon," Mayuri answered. "But they cost a thousand kan."

"A thousand kan for a pair of socks?" Tousen shouted in outrage. "That's against Justice!"

"Of course not." Kurotsuchi looked at him as if he was an especially slow child. "A thousand kan for each sock."

"That's outrageous!" the blind captain shouted.

"Outrageous are the budget cuts for the SRDI," Kurotsuchi answered calmly. "We need to get out funding somewhere."


	102. Wardrobe malfunction

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Soifon, Yoruichi

Author's note: Two stories in one update today!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

Soifon watched with dismay as Yoruichi knocked out all her subordinates in under a second. That wasn't good. But on the other hand, what did she expect? Yoruichi was the Goddess of Flash, as she proudly reminded her, and rank and file soldiers couldn't even slow her down, no matter how out of shape she was. Soifon would have to deal with her herself.

"Shunshin Yoruichi," she spat. "Very well then, there is no other way, I'll take the title from you with my own hands." She tugged at her detachable sleeve, trying to remove it to gain greater mobility. But it wouldn't give. Did she stitch it too strongly? She gave it a more powerful tug. The sound of ripping fabric was heard. Soifon looked down in horror. Her shihakushou was torn in half, revealing her chest. Only her haori was protecting her modesty now, just barely. Blushing deeply, she looked at Yoruichi's amused face.

"Can I go change my clothes first?"

O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O

Soifon stared in disbelief. That technique was hers! She had just invented it! So how could Yoruichi know it already, and better than her? But she couldn't dispute the proof right in front of her eyes.

"It's name is Shunkou," Yoruichi explained. "Do you know, why that outfit has nothing on its back and shoulders? Because it's meaningless to have it," she said concentrating the Kidou necessary for the activation of Shunkou. "The final form of this technique starts by focusing huge amounts of concentrated energy, then through a massive explosion that energy is installed to the user's arms and legs, enhancing them for battle. Therefore, when this technique is used, the clothes on the back and shoulders would be blown to bits."

She demonstrated it readily by letting the Kidou explode, enveloping her in crackling yellow energy. She realized that after so many years of not using it, she overdid it a bit and blew up not only her jacket, but also the string that held her top upright. But it was a minor detail. She wasn't prudish.

It wasn't so minor for Soifon. She stared at Yoruichi's bare chest in trance. "Yoruichi-sama," she whispered before fainting wit a blush on her face. Yoruichi blinked in surprise.

"Huh? What's wrong with you?"


	103. Why did he?

Genre: Mystery/Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Nozomi, Yamamoto

**WARNING: SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 334.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

"Why did you save me?" Nozomi asked. Just a couple of minutes ago, Yamamoto had been willing to burn her to cinder to prevent Kagerouza from capturing her. Not to mention what he had said about modsouls in general. Then he stood in front of her, blocking Inaba's overpowered attack at the cost of injury to himself. "I'm just a modsoul, so why did you protect me?"

"Even though you're just a modsoul, you're still a young girl," the wizened general answered. Nozomi looked at him dubiously. He didn't seem like somebody who would harbor such sentiments. "Also, you look hot in these stockings and mini-skirt."


	104. Shinigami games

Genre: Humor/Crack/Drama

Rating: T

Characters: only mentions

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

**Shinigami games**

The life of shinigami is hard and full of danger and toil. None of the shinigami on patrol know when a Hollow would attack and whether they'd be strong enough to defeat it or whether the reinforcements would arrive in time. The life of shinigami can also get very boring. Endless hours of practicing the same motion until they can do it in their sleep, endless memorizing of Kidou incantations, long patrols and stakeouts when they have to wait for a Hollow that isn't going to show up anyway. And that isn't even counting bothersome superiors and irritating teammates they have to deal with and aren't allowed to kill the or at least beat them up (the Eleventh Division being an exception, but they have a whole lot of other problems the other divisions don't have). All of the above is very taxing on a person's psyche. It is no wonder that throughout the years, the Gotei 13 shinigami have developed many games to stave off the boredom, forget about the danger they face in their daily life and amuse themselves. Having a way to at least temporarily escape the toils of their daily live is essential for preserving the remains of their sanity, even if the escape is sometimes too permanent. Here are some of the games they play:

**Hollow rodeo: **A game for one or more players. The players will find a Hollow. Then they will sit on its back. Whoever can stay astride the longest, wins. There is an unofficial table keeping records and scores for this sport, but many shinigami consider it unfair because of the wide differences between the Hollows mounted.

**Candy Hide-and-seek:** This game can be played by any number of players. The players play individually. The players will stuff their pockets, sleeves, etc. with candy and then walk up to Kusajishi Yachiru and say: "I have lots of candy, but you can't have any." Then they run and hide. Whoever keeps his load of candy the longest, wins. Just like with the Hollow rodeo, there are records kept about the best times the players achieved. Many players tried to cheat by using candy Yachiru couldn't possibly like, but they soon found out that there isn't candy the girl wouldn't eat happily.

**Shiro-ball:** This is a game for two or more players. If more players are participating, each of them plays individually. The rules are simple: one player grabs Shiro-chan and passes him to another player. The player catches Shiro-chan and passes him to another player. He must pass him quickly, because he's holding a pissed-off captain. Whoever gets turned into an icicle, loses. Whoever gets in trouble for insubordination, loses too. (This is a surprisingly low risk, Shiro-chan is usually too embarrassed to admit what happened.)

**Hollow basketball: **This is a game for two or more players. If more players are playing, they are split into two teams of even numbers. To play the game a ball is needed and also a Hollow with a big hole. The players pass ball, try to steal ball from the other team and try to prevent the other team from stealing the ball. They shoot at the Hollow's hole. Whoever can throw the ball through the Hollow's hole, earns a point for his team. The game ends when one team is killed entirely by the Hollow.


	105. Soul Burial

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: none, just mentions

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

**.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.  
**

**Soul Burial for Dummies**

_By Urahara Kisuke_

Foreword

Greetings, dear readers. Urahara publishing, Ltd. brings you a new title from its popular _How to..._ series. Just as all the previous books, this one is meant to aid promising young shinigami in their duties too. Particularly, it deals with one of the basic duties of the shinigami, the Soul Burial. This books describes everything you'll ever need to know about the Soul Burial.

Chapter 1: What is Soul Burial?

Soul Burial is one of the crucial duties of every shinigami. It is also known as Konsou, a word you can use to make yourself look smart and impress the ladies (or boys, in case you are a lady).(1) Soul Burial is the process that allows a shinigami to send a plus soul, which is wandering aimlessly through the Living World until it gets eaten by a Hollow, into Rukongai, where it can wander aimlessly until it's mugged and killed by the local gang, which is supposed to be better by getting eaten by a Hollow, though it is unclear just how. But everybody says it is better, so it must be true.

Chapter 2: Identifying the plus souls

Recognizing plus souls can get tricky. They tend to look like living people at first glance. But thankfully there is a significant difference. It is the broken chain sticking from their chests right over their hearts. But even this indicator isn't 100% reliable. It might be just somebody who glued a chain to his chest because he thought it was funny. There is a simple way to recognize whether that's the case: just grab the chain and pull. If it's just some prankster, the chain will fall off. If it's a genuine plus soul, the chain will stay attached. If it is a genuine plus soul and the chain came off anyway, well, let's say that you are going to need the _Fighting Hollows for Dummies _book very soon.

Chapter 3: Approaching the plus souls

Once you have identified the plus soul in need of a Soul Burial, you have to approach them in order to perform the Soul Burial. If you want the Soul Burial to work properly, the soul has to be calm. Therefore you must be careful not to spook them. You should approach them slowly and make no threatening gestures. It is also recommended to approach them from downwind, because the plus souls have a good sense of smell and tend to bolt if they notice a stranger nearing them.

But to perform the Soul Burial correctly, you eventually have to enter their field of vision. As we stated before, the plus souls are spooked easily, so you have to look friendly and non-threatening when you approach them. One of the most important things they will notice about you is your clothes. Therefore you need to wear clothes that would make you look like a good guy. When dealing with some of the most jumpy plus souls, you have to look like a very good guy. Like a hero. To achieve that, you need a hero costume.(2)

But the costume is only a half of the feat. You need to also act like a hero. The easiest way to do so is to strike a heroic pose.(3) If the plus soul still didn't bolt you're on a good way. Now all you have to do is to speak to the plus soul to put them completely at ease. There are two different schools of thought on what is the best way to do so. The first suggests talking to them quietly, in hushed thoughts, because loud noises would startle them. This, however, is wrong. Remember, you are a hero, so you have to act like one. Heroes don't whisper. Heroes are brave and bold. Heroes speak in loud, confident voices. A whispering hero means that something is wrong and that causes the plus souls to run and you don't want that. They are quite hard to catch.

Chapter 4: Performing the Soul Burial

So now you've found a plus soul and managed to approach it without scaring it off, just slam the hilt of your zanpakutou to their forehead. The zanpakutou will do everything else on its own. This is all you really need to know. And also the fact that we don't give refunds, dummy.

.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.

(1)Using this word really makes you look smart. If somebody calls you a nerd, don't mind them. They are stupid. They wouldn't be able to remember such long words anyway.

(2)If you don't have a hero costume, you can purchase one at _Clothes for every (and I mean really every) occasion_, a clothing store owned by the world famous fashion designer Ishida Uryuu.

(3)If you don't know how to make a good heroic pose, you can learn some from the _Introduction to heroic poses for dummies_ by Urahara Kisuke, illustrated by the renowned artist Kuchiki Rukia.


	106. Kon's revenge

Genre: Humor

Rating: T (I hope this chapter gets away with it.)

Characters: Kon, Ichigo, Isshin

Author's note: This is a sequel for Chapter 73: Kon's punishment. You don't have to read it to understand this one.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Ichigo had really done it this time, mused Kon as he pulled out the stitches painstakingly. What did that brute have against him? It was completely natural to appreciate girls. The redheaded moron was the only one who didn't understand it. So why did he have to punish Kon so harshly for something that was completely natural? The modsoul could deal with kicks and punches to his stuffed body, even the occasional tying to the back of the toilet was acceptable, but this? This was the utmost travesty and the worst possible insult to his manly self! Even worse than having to wear the frilly dresses Yuzu made for him! He might be just a modsoul, but he was a man! So why did Ichigo see it fit to have Ishida sew boobies on his body just because he had been admiring some? It went beyond cruel. If it had at least been pretty boobies, he could have dealt with it, but these were Ishida-designed bulky monstrosities with Quincy crosses on them. Kon suspected that four-eyes took extra care to make them as unsexy as possible. He was going to exact revenge on the stuck-up Quincy too, but Ichigo came first.

Finally the last stitch was out and the ugly blobs were gone. Kon kicked them out of the window so they wouldn't offend him with their presence any longer. He wished he could kick Ichigo like this as well, but the Substitute Shinigami was too fast for him to actually hit. And besides, a kick wasn't enough for such shame. There were still two circles visible on his chest where the offensive bulges had been. This called for Revenge with capital R. No, it called for REVENGE, all letters capital. Nothing else would do for such a grievous offense.

All he had to do was to wait for the right occasion. His time would come the next time he was in Ichigo's body. He would be free to do anything to it the next time a Hollow attacked, and Hollows attacked quite often in Karakura. Yes, maybe even before the day was over, he'd run to the nearest hospital and ask for a sex change. That would teach the moron what it is like to be a girl. But then he realized that he'd be in Ichigo's body while the surgeries were going on and gulped. No, he didn't want to undergo that process. And Ichigo would return before the doctors could begin anyway. So surgical sex change was out. He'd have to do something quicker. Like cutting off Ichigo's balls. That would take only a second. But the carrot-top might not even notice. He was so utterly oblivious to the girls around him and their feelings towards him that he didn't need his balls anyway. And besides, if he were in Ichigo's body at the time, it would hurt him, so cutting off Ichigo's balls was out too. He'd have to do something less painful but just as humiliating. Maybe he'd sleep with Orihime pretending he was Ichigo? But that plan had several faults too. First, Orihime wouldn't fall for it. Second, even if she did, Ichigo wouldn't be bothered by it, because of his aforementioned obliviousness to girls. So while sleeping with Orihime was a great idea, it didn't work as revenge. He had to come up with something different.

But the question was what. If he ruled out everything painful and girl-related, what could he do to shame and humiliate Ichigo bad enough? He found himself running out of ideas. But his revenge wont be denied! He had to do something that would mortally embarrass Ichigo for years or at least weeks. Something that would stick to the strawberry. Even days would do. So what could he do?

.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.

It was late at night, or more likely early in the morning, when Ichigo returned from yet another Hollow hunt. He was tired. He had studied late into the night for a test and just when he closed his eyes, the Hollow appeared and he had to go out and purify it. This one had lasted longer than usual, not because the Hollow had been particularly strong or dangerous, but because it was good at concealing its presence. (That was the official version and Ichigo stuck to it, no matter how Rukia insisted that it had been because he sucked at sensing reiatsu and couldn't find the Hollow if it was standing right behind him, which had happened at one point.)

Whatever the reason, Ichigo was tired. He returned to his room, forced Kon out of his body, glad that the modsoul didn't run off as it usually did, returned to his body and collapsed on the bed, falling asleep before he hit the covers, not even bothering to turn on the lights the whole time. Therefore he had noticed nothing odd until the morning. It was only when his father burst through the door for his usual wake-up call, when he got the first clue that something wasn't how it was supposed to be. More precisely, it was when Isshin stopped in his charge, gaped at Ichigo and burst into tears. That in itself wasn't that unusual, but then Isshin hugged him and told him that "Daddy loved him no matter how he was" before running back downstairs and crying in front of Masaki's portrait. But even then Ichigo just shrugged it off as Goat-face being weird and proceeded with his morning rituals like nothing had happened.

So the big shock came when he walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. He froze in shock. His hair, originally bright orange, was now an eye-searing shade of neon pink. That it itself was bad enough, but it wasn't the worst thing. On his right cheek was a tattoo of a heart pierced by an arrow with the names "Ichigo+Uryuu" written inside. The substitute looked at it in incomprehension before trying to wash it off. And finding out that he couldn't.

"KON!"


	107. Parentteacher conference

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Occhi-sensei, Isshin, Ryuuken

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

././././././././././././././././././././././././.

"I'm so glad you came, Mr. Kurosaki," Occhi Misato said with a polite smile. "You too, Mr. Ishida," she added when she noticed her second visitor. Ryuuken scowled almost imperceptibly. Why did she greet him as an afterthought? Was he less important than the demented shinigami in her eyes?

"So you're the beautiful teacher who is responsible for the education of my son? Pleasure to finally meet you!" Isshin exclaimed. Ryuuken rolled his eyes. Did the man have to be so overly dramatic all the time?

"We already met last year, Mr. Kurosaki," Occhi-sensei reminded him. "Three times, if I remember correctly."

"Oh? How could I have forgotten such a beautiful flower!" Isshin wailed. "My son's inability to remember faces must be catching on me!" Ryuuken rolled his eyes again. He had the feeling that he'd be doing it often in the upcoming minutes.

"This isn't what I called you here for," the teacher stopped Isshin's tantrum before he could burst into tears. "Mr. Kurosaki, Mr. Ishida, I have called you here because your sons' attendance and class performance has taken a turn for the worse recently. Not only they never showed up at school for extended periods of times without a good reason, they also picked the habit of running from the classroom using ridiculous excuses. And Sado-kun and Inoue-kun are doing it too. And all four of them are among the most talented students. Such behavior is so much more devastating when coming from the top students."

"I don't tell Ichigo what to do! Boys his age skip school all the time! It's normal when he's fifteen!" Isshin exclaimed. Ryuuken rolled his eyes.

"Actually, he's sixteen already," Occhi-sensei corrected.

"Sixteen?" Isshin was taken aback. "Oh, Masaki, our children are growing so fast!" He burst into tears.

"Uryuu never tells me where he goes," Ryuuken stated, doing his best to ignore the bawling Isshin. If he rolled his eyes one more time, they would start hurting. "But he is going to be disciplined for this." _And Kurosaki and his mongrel son too. They wouldn't corrupt his precious Uryuu anymore. _He swore so on the pride of the Quincy, momentarily forgetting he hated being a Quincy.

"Good," the teacher nodded. "It would be a shame to see the top student fall because he fell with the wrong crowd." Then she turned to Isshin, who was still crying manly tears. "I have more to say on the subject of your son. Lately, he took an unhealthy interest in girls."

"Interest in girls is healthy!" Isshin protested. Ryuuken rolled his eyes. And blinked in pain. Rolling his eyes so much really made them hurt. He'd have to be careful or he might develop some eye problem. Occhi-sensei ignored both of them and continued.

"He stares at girls instead of doing his classwork. He even cut a hole in his schoolbook so he could ogle girls while pretending to be studying!"

"So Ichigo's interested in girls? I'm so proud!" Isshin shouted so loud his companions winced. "I've been worried about him, but now I see I had no reason! I'm going to be a grandfather soon!" Now Ryuuken couldn't help it and rolled his eyes again. Once again, his strained eye muscles protested. He'd probably develop a squint if this went on and it would be the damned shinigami's fault.

Occhi-sensei rolled her eyes too and sighed deeply. She could see that this talk was doing no good, only straining her already tight nerves. She'd have to end it before she snapped. "Well, that's all I have to say, so good day to you, Mr. Kurosaki, Mr. Ishida, so good day to you." _She named Kurosaki first again, _Ryuuken thought bitterly. But then the teacher was shooing them out of the room. He sighed and walked out. Isshin was walking next to him, still babbling about how he was proud that his reprobate of a son was finally growing up. Ryuuken couldn't bear it anymore. A bow materialized in his hand and several arrows flew at Kurosaki. The man dodged them all.

"What was that?" he asked.

"My hand slipped," Ryuuken answered calmly pulling back the bow again. This time he wasn't going to miss.


	108. Ichigo's reaction

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Ichigo, mentions of others

**WARNING: SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 460 AND LATER.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.i.

Ichigo felt like he was dreaming. One moment, all his friends had turned against him, he had lost all his powers (again! It was really getting old.) and everything seemed completely hopeless, the next moment he had them back and what was more, Rukia was back! He felt so happy. And he felt even happier when he saw that Toushirou, Byakuya, Renji, Kenpachi and Ikkaku were back too. He felt like his heart was going to burst with all the emotions, though that might have been thanks to the sword currently piercing it. There was so much he wanted to say: _Good to see you! How are you? What have you been doing? Why did you help return my powers when it's against the law? Aren't you afraid of getting in trouble? Since when is Rukia a lieutenant?_ In the end, there was one question that beat all the others and slipped from his tongue first:

"Uh, Toushirou, did you steal Byakuya's scarf?"


	109. Arrancarization

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Harribel, Sung-Sun, Apacci, Mila-Rose

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

Harribel studied her tanned skin intently. _So that's how it looks like. _She sometimes wondered how did she look like under her bone armor and now, thanks to Aizen-sama she could finally see it. She was thankful for it. She had been unsure when the rogue shinigami had first approached her, but now she didn't regret it. Becoming an Arrancar was wonderful. Not only her strength increased drastically, she also felt much lighter without her armor (and she didn't lose its protection, thanks to her new Hierro) and she could finally feel the wind on her skin. Life was wonderful.

"Watch your step!" Apacci's angry voice interrupted her musings. Harribel looked up at her friends, now officially called Fraccions. Apacci was lying on the ground, Mila-Rose on top of her.

"You tripped me!" Mila-Rose protested.

"You tripped over your own feet," Sung-Sun corrected. She lay on her back in the corner, waving her arms in the air and observing them intently. She was trying to come to terms with the idea of having limbs.

Harribel sighed. This was something Aizen-sama hadn't warned them about. For her, being an Arrancar was easy. As a Vasto Lorde, she used to have a mostly human body, so breaking off her mask meant little aside from the increase of power. Her three companions were different. They used to have the bodies of animals so walking on two legs was a new experience for them. And they had some trouble adjusting to it.

"That's not true!" Mila-Rose shouted.

"Deny it all you want," Sung-Sun shrugged, "you fell because you're so clumsy. There's nothing hard about walking."

"If it's so easy, why don't you try it?" Apacci challenged.

"Thanks, but no," Sung-Sun shook her head. "I don't need to run around like some ruffian."

"You can't walk, admit it!" Mila-Rose accused her.

"Of course I can," Sung-Sun answered calmly. "I just don't want to."

"You can't!" Mila-Rose shouted. "Sung-Sun can't walk! Sung-Sun can't walk!"

"Of course I can," Sung-Sun insisted.

"Prove it!" Mila-Rose demanded.

"I don't have to," Sung-Sun replied dismissively, returning to studying her limbs.

"Can you get off me?" Apacci demanded, pushing at Mila-Rose with her head. It wasn't quite as effective as it used to be when she still had antlers.

"Of course," Mila-Rose snapped. "It's not like you're a comfortable pillow. You're all bones." Apacci scowled. Mila-Rose stood up but lost her balance and fell on top of Apacci again.

"You did that on purpose!" Apacci shouted.

"I didn't!" Mila-Rose protested.

"She's just so clumsy," Sung-Sun explained helpfully. Harribel sighed. It looked like she'd have to intervene before the argument escalated into a brawl. Considering that the trio still didn't get used to their new human bodies, anything could happen.

"Stop it, all of you," she commanded. "You'll learn to walk properly soon enough, so there's no need to bicker who's learning the fastest." Her three Fraccions obeyed and stopped bickering. She knew it wasn't for long, but for now she had the quiet needed to appreciate her new looks.

The quiet was interrupted just five seconds later. Harribel looked up and saw that Mila-Rose had tripped again and once again fell on Apacci.

"This was on purpose!" Apacci screamed.

"It wasn't!" Mila-Rose protested.

"You can't really be that clumsy!" Apacci objected.

"Her breasts must be upsetting her balance," Sung-Sun theorized. She still hadn't moved from her spot in the corner, only now she was studying her legs.

"Yes, her boobs," Apacci pointed. "Why does she have bigger boobs than me? It's not fair."

"Why don't you complain about Harribel-sama?" Mila-Rose asked. "She has the biggest boobs."

"Of course she does," Apacci replied. "She's Harribel-sama. She always had them. But why do you look prettier than me?"

"Maybe your outer ugliness reflects your inner ugliness," Sung-Sun suggested. "Why else would you be the only one of us who looks ugly?"

"Watch your tongue, you snake," Apacci growled. "Or I'm going to rip it out."

"Like you could," Sung-Sun shrugged.

"Watch me," Apacci growled and lunged at Sung-Sun. She tripped on her own feet and landed on her face. Sung-Sun giggled. Apacci reached for her sword. Harribel jumped between them.

"Stop it immediately!" she ordered releasing a bit of her reiatsu to show that she really meant it. Her Fraccions immediately crawled into the furthest corners of the room. "No more fighting," she added, accenting her words with a stony glare. That should keep her companions behaving themselves for a few days. She could only hope that they'd get used to their new forms by then. If not, they might really kill each other. Though they probably wouldn't manage.


	110. The best motivation

Genre: Humor/Mystery

Rating: K

Characters: Ichigo, Yoruichi, Kuukaku, Ganju, Jidanbou

**WARNING: SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 337.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

"Good that Kuukaku saved you," Ichigo smiled after Yoruichi stopped explaining how did the real captains survive their encounter with their improved doppelgangers. "I thought you were done for."

"Don't be ridiculous," the Goddess of Flash laughed. "Of course we won't be killed so easily. I took precautions in case the things got hairy."

"Yes, but still," Kurosaki said. "It was incredibly brave of them to charge in like that. I know that Kuukaku and Jidanbou are strong, but the reigai are on a whole another level. They could have been completely wiped out! How did you convince them to join?"

"Oh," the golden-eyed woman shrugged, "it was very easy."

"Really?" the redhead asked suspiciously.

"Really," she confirmed with a mysterious smile. "They had the best possible motivation."

+++++ Flashback +++++

"Of curse we'll come," Kuukaku grinned eagerly.

"Yes!" Ganju pumped his fist in the air. "There's nothing that can stop us from appearing again!"

"Kubo wrote us from the series after the Soul Society Arc," Jidanbou grimaced.

"We'll do anything to get some screentime again!" Ganju shouted. His sister nodded approvingly.

"Even if it means fillers."


	111. Soifon's rescue

Genre: Mystery/Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Soifon, Isane, Ichigo

Author's note: Based on the Omake of Episode 329.

Author's note 2: Over 500 reviews! Thanks all of you. I never imagined I'll get so much when I began this collection.

**WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE GOTEI 13 INVASION ARMY ARC.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

111-111-111-111-111-111-111-111-111-111-111-111-111-111-111-111

"You must be all wondering, so let me tell you how Yoruichi-sama saved me," Soifon began. "I was held in a castle. I couldn't even move. When Yoruichi-sama appeared and swept me in her arms..."

"Uh," Isane interrupted, "I was there too and..."

"What?" Soifon shot her a deadly glare.

"Nothing," Isane said immediately backing off. Soifon seemed to calm a bit.

"You know, I've been wondering something too," Ichigo said.

"So you doubt how Yoruichi-sama saved me too?" the Onmitsukidou commander asked dangerously.

"No," Kurosaki shook his head. "I believe you. I've been wondering something else."

"What?" the dark-haired woman asked.

"You've been there when we had that strategy session about Inaba in my room. In the Living World. So how did you end up captured in Soul Society?"

"None of your business," Soifon snapped angrily.

"Really, how?" Ichigo prompted.

"I'll do anything to get rescued by Yoruichi-sama!"


	112. Oomaeda's worth

Genre: Humor/Mystery

Rating: K+

Characters: Soifon, Yoruichi, Oomaeda

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

"Useless," Soifon muttered angrily as she rewrote yet another report. Her sorry excuse of a lieutenant was a completely incompetent blob of grease. He never produced anything she could forward to the soutaichou.

"What is?" a familiar cheerful voice suddenly interrupted her. Soifon jumped a meter into the air.

"Yoruichi-sama!" she exclaimed recognizing the visitor. "What are you doing here?"

"Hiya, Soifon," the dark skinned female grinned. "I've been in the neighborhood so I decided to drop by and pay a visit to my favorite student. So what's so useless?"

"Oomaeda is," Soifon grimaced. "Not only he is a coward and useless in a fight, he's also so dumb he cannot even file a report properly! Just look at this. The grammar is atrocious, the kanji uninteligible and the paper is full of grease stains!"

"That's really terrible," Yoruichi scrunched her nose in disgust. "Why do you even keep him when he's so useless?"

"Well," Soifon began, "did you notice we have the finest barracks in all Seireitei?" Yoruichi nodded. "We have air conditioning, doors that open and close on their own, luxurious spa, jacuzzi tubs, the best training equipment, silk sheets in the dormitories, the best food, the newest and best polished floors, our roofs aren't leaky..."

"That sounds really good," Yoruichi nodded. "It wasn't quite as good when I was here. Did they raise your budget or what?"

"Or what," Soifon replied. "Oomaeda is so spoiled he couldn't stand living in normal barracks so he put all the money into renovating them. Without him, we wouldn't have enough resources for the maintenance."

"So you keep him around for the luxuries?" Yoruichi shook her head, laughing. "I've never thought you were so greedy, Soifon," she mock-scolded her successor.

"Well," Soifon paused, "there's one more reason."

"What it is?" the purple-haired woman raised an eyebrow.

"Oomaeda!" Soifon called instead of an answer.

"Yes?" the fat lieutenant stuck his head into the door, his inseparable bag of fried rice crackers in one hand, crumbles and spit falling at the perfectly polished floor.

"Your reports are dirty again and you're soiling my floor," Soifon said before punching him so hard he crashed through the nearest wall. Yoruichi looked at her questioningly. Soifon shrugged. "He makes a perfect punching bag."


	113. Obvious

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Ichigo, Rukia

**WARNING:** **SPOILERS FOR THE LOST AGENT ARC.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.`.

"Rukia," Ichigo said, glad that he could see his friend again for the first time in over a year.

"What's that, Ichigo?" the girl scowled. "Why were you down on the ground, crying like a baby?"

"Well, let's see," the redhead started, "first all my friends turned against me, then I lost the power I had gained, so I'd say I have a good reason to cry."

"Moron," Rukia kicked him. "It's all your own fault. I let you out of my sight and you get in trouble immediately. Have you no common sense? This all was entirely avoidable."

"And just how?" Kurosaki argued. "How could I have known that Tsukishima used his power on Ginjo and his friends? How could I have known they were only after power? How could I have known they'd stab me in the back?"

"It was obvious," Kuchiki stated.

"Just how was it obvious?" Ichigo questioned.

"That's easy," Rukia sighed. "If some group calls themselves Xcution, they aren't a charity organization."


	114. Misunderstood advice

Genre: Humor/Mystery

Rating: K+

Characters: Kotetsu Isane, Yamada Hanatarou, Iemura Yasochika, Ogidou Harunobu, Unohana Retsu

Author's note: Based on the story** An idiot's Guide to Surviving in Seireitei** by **CrazyTeddyBear**.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

"Well, Third Seat Iemura Yasochika, Seventh Seat Yamada Hanatarou, Eighth Seat Ogidou Harunobu," Lieutenant Kotetsu Isane said sternly to her three subordinates. "Do you have any idea how much trouble have you caused? What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I have to state that this was in no way my fault," Iemura said, looking at Captain Unohana for confirmation. But the woman only sat there, smiling slightly, content to leave the interrogation to her subordinate.

"We just wanted to help," Hanatarou said, looking even more downtrodden than usual. "We had no idea it would end like this."

"You know what trouble is it every time the Gotei 13 gets new recruits," Harunobu said. Isane nodded, but she still looked stern. "They have no idea how they should behave. They end up insulting their superiors and we have to patch them up afterwards and scrub the floors clean of their blood."

"We thought that if they knew they shouldn't do it, they wouldn't get hurt," Hanatarou said.

"And the whole Fourth Division would have less work," Harunobu added. "The pamphlet was Iemura-sanseki's idea."

"While I did say that an instruction brochure for new recruits would be beneficial, I hold no responsibility for its actual writing and for the wording used," Iemura stated. "That's all his work," he pointed at Harunobu accusingly.

"I wrote it too," Hanatarou said, trying to protect his colleague from taking the full brunt of the blame.

"We meant no harm," Harunobu assured everybody. "How could we have known the recruits would take it literally?"

"You just complained about their stupidity," Isane pointed out.

"But we have no idea they would be quite that stupid," Harunobu replied.

"The same recruits who get killed or maimed because they aren't smart enough to know they shouldn't insult their captain?" Kotetsu-fukutaichou raised an eyebrow.

"That was very stupid of you," Iemura scolded his two subordinates.

"That idea was originally yours," Harunobu reminded him.

"But you botched it," Yasochika accused.

"Uhm..." Hanatarou interrupted them, "we were just trying to make sure the recruits would understand they have to be respectful to their superiors no matter what. It seemed like the best way to put it so even the dumbest of them would understand."

"Well, you were wrong," Iemura stated.

"Then why didn't you proof-read the pamphlet before we started giving it out? Why didn't you help them write it?" Isane questioned. "It was your idea originally."

"I have better things to do than writing some stupid pamphlet," the Third Seat replied.

"Like writing in your stupid diary," Harunobu muttered.

"What was that?" Iemura snapped.

"Quiet!" Kotetsu-fukutaichou commanded. "Don't get into even more trouble than you already are in. Thanks to you we have to treat even more wounded and scrub even more blood. The workload is more than we can manage!"

"Shouldn't it be that recruits who are in trouble?" Harunobu questioned. "They are the ones causing all the injuries and the messes. We didn't do anything wrong. We just wanted to impart on the new recruits how respectful they should be to their captains, so we wrote that their captains are their gods and they should treat them as such. How could we have known that they'd start praying to them and bring them virgin sacrifices? That's just retarded."

"Just as is the average new recruit," Isane deadpanned. "You should have seen what happened when they brought the virgins to Kyouraku-taichou. And Hitsugaya-taichou got so spooked by the whole business he locked himself in the room and refused to come out even when Ukitake brought candy. And Kurotsuchi-taichou was the worst. He just used them as test subjects. So you see, for causing all this you deserve a strict punishment."

"Don't be so harsh on them, Isane," Unohana spoke for the first time. "They didn't do anything wrong." Everybody looked at her as if she had grown a second head.

"But captain..." Isane started.

"I insist," Unohana smiled. "I like my new temple very much."


	115. Unohana's braid

Genre: Mystery/Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Orihime, Ichigo, Ishida, Hanatarou, Unohana

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

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"I've been wondering something," Orihime said. It was three days after Aizen's departure from Soul Society. Everybody was slowly getting over the shock of the treason. The wounded were slowly recuperating and nobody was in danger of dying anymore. But they were still confined to the hospital. Orihime decided to help out the Fourth Division, just to have an excuse to stay close to Kurosaki-kun.

"What is it?" Ichigo asked from his bed. Thanks to the Shun Shun Rikka he wasn't nearly cut in half anymore, but he still didn't feel like running around.

"Why does Unohana-taichou wear her braid in the front?"

"Huh?" The boy blinked. That certainly wasn't a question he had been expecting.

"Really, why?" the girl repeated. "I mean, it's so impractical. It gets in the way all the time. I tried to braid my hair the same way and I had to redo it after a quarter an hour. It got in my way and in my eyes constantly. So why does she always wear it like that?"

"How would I know?" Ichigo shrugged. He had no idea what kind of hairdo Unohana wore until Orihime told him. It was all he could do to remember who Unohana was. "She just does it."

"That isn't an answer, Kurosaki-kun," Inoue replied.

"Well, I don't have one," the boy shrugged again.

"Guess I'll just have to ask someone else," Orihime sighed. "Bye, Kurosaki-kun." She walked into the corridor and wandered aimlessly for a while until she met Ishida, who was carrying a bundle of cloth for some reason.

"Hello, Ishida-kun," she called.

"Hello, Inoue-san," the currently powerless Quincy replied.

"I've been wondering something," the girl said.

"What is it?" Uryuu asked, worried that she might have noticed his lack of power.

"Why does Unohana-taichou wear her braid in the front?" The dark-haired boy suppressed a sigh of relief. So she hadn't noticed. Good. His pride wouldn't survive if she started pitying him.

"It's her personal style," he answered. "It's very original and it looks good on her."

"But it's very impractical," Orihime pointed out. "The hair gets in the way all the time."

"I wouldn't know," Ishida replied, pointing at his own short hair. "She has a lot of experience with wearing her hair like this."

"But why did she start wearing her hair like this if she had to practice doing everything with the braid getting in the way?" Orihime argued.

"I don't know," the bespectacled boy shrugged. "Maybe she saw it as a challenge."

"Maybe," Orihime asked unconvinced. "I guess I have to ask someone else." Then she walked away. Ishida was glad she didn't ask what the cloth was for. He wanted the new clothes to be a surprise.

She wandered through the hallways again until she met a shinigami she recognized.

"Hanatarou-kun?" she called.

"Hello," the Seventh Seat replied. "What may I do for you, Inoue-san?"

"May I ask you something?"

"Of course," the boy nodded eagerly. He was always happy to do something for Rukia's friends.

"Why does your captain wear her braid in the front?"

"She always does it," Hanatarou answered like it explained everything.

"But why?" Orihime questioned.

"Huh?" the young healer blinked. "She just does it. We don't question Captain Unohana."

"But it is so impractical," Inoue pointed out. "The hair must get in the way all the time. And what if she gets blood on it when she's treating the wounded? Washing it out must be a pain."

"She never does get her hair dirty," Hanatarou replied. "She's just awesome that way."

"But that still doesn't explain why does she wear it that way," Orihime insisted.

"I don't know," the Seventh Seat shrugged helplessly. "I don't think anybody knows. And nobody dares to ask."

"Why not?" Orihime inquired.

"Just not. If you knew Unohana-taichou better, you'd understand," the healer explained.

"So I'll never find out, would I?" the redhead girl said ruefully.

"It seems so," Hanatarou nodded sadly. He hated disappointing people. "Sorry."

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Back in her room, Captain Unohana Retsu carefully wove her hair into a braid. She was almost done. She weaved the three strands of hair around each other with painstaking precision. Maybe this was finally going to be the day when... no, she shouldn't even think about it until she was done. She might jinx herself and destroy the effort of nearly an hour of hard work. That would be really annoying.

Finally, finally she was done. She took a band from her nightstand and tied her hair together. There, finished. Not even one strand was out of place. Her heart beating fast in anticipation, she walked to her mirror corner. There she kept a system of four mirrors that allowed her to see herself from every angle. Even from behind. Now she stood there, trying to keep her hands from shaking with anxiety. That would be unbecoming of somebody of her position, even if nobody could see her in the privacy of her room.

She opened her eyes and examined the result of her work. There on her back hung a thick, luxurious, long black braid. Every hair was in place, there was not a single tangle or a strand escaping the band. It was almost perfect, if it wasn't for one small detail: it was off centre. Unohana had to bite her tongue to prevent herself from screaming in frustration. It was off-centre again! Even after millennia of practice, she still couldn't get it right. And she just couldn't show her face in public with her braid hanging down her back off-centre. That just wouldn't do. She had to maintain a perfect appearance at all times.

With a sigh, she removed the band and let her hair hung loose before combing them again. There was no time for another attempt, she had to go out and treat her patients soon. She'd have to make the braid in the front. Again. It was impractical for daily activities, but it was so much easier to make. And it always hung down right in the middle of her chest.


	116. Minor characters

Genre: Humor/Crack

Rating: K+

Character: Lots of minor characters

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

Deep inside the maze of streets that was Seireitei, there was an old, abandoned building. Under this building was a dark, dank dungeon. Inside this dungeon, many dark figures gathered, to discuss their nefarious plans.

"This can't go on any longer!" a giant of a man declared. "I am the Kamaitachi, the strongest user of airborne weapons. I am a warrior nobody has ever defeated!" Somebody coughed. "I deserve some more screentime! How comes none of my victories were shown? The only time I get into the manga I am defeated by that brat of a Quincy! Even my idiotic brother Jidanbou gets more screen time than I!"

"You're just a Fourth Seat, Ikkanzaka Jiroubou," another giant of a man snorted. "I, Enjouji Tatsufusa, am the Third Seat. I am stronger than you! I won more battles and defeated tougher opponents! Yet the only time I get on screen is when that ryoka punched me in the face! Even the two idiots from the Thirteenth Division get more screentime than I! Where is any justice in that?"

"You at least got to fight," a handsome young man complained. "I only have one speaking line in the manga! Otherwise I am reduced to appearing in omakes!"

"At least you get to appear in the manga, Ogidou Harunobu," an ordinary looking girl with glasses said. "I am a Ninth Seat, that is only one Seat below you, but in a _real _division, not the Fourth, and I only ever appear in omakes! And I don't even get any action. I'm always tending my father's shop! And my poor father doesn't even appear at all! And he used to be a lieutenant! I'm a shinigami! I want to be in some battles too!"

"Don't complain, Shirogane Mihane," a man with long black hair covered by a hat with a picture of the sun said. "I might have some speaking lines in the manga, but I don't have a proper name! You have that, so don't complain!"

"I only ever get to deliver one message," Takezoe Koukichirou complained. "I'm a Seventh Seat! I can do much more! But Hitsugaya-taichou and Matsumoto-fukutaichou take all the spotlight for our division!"

"That's because they look so much better than you," the lady selling tickets at the Shinigami Health Land informed him. "And they're also more fun to tease," she added.

"I'm only ever used as a joke!" Aramaki Makizou complained. "I am the Tenth Seat of the Eleventh Division! I am a fighter! But nobody ever gets to see it! The anime even demoted me! They said I am unseated! Why do they hate me so much?"

"Don't whine!" two other Eleventh Division members snapped at him. "You at least got to do something useful, no matter how minor it was. We were only ever seen sweeping the streets! Like some meek Fourth Divisioners!"

"At least we got to bully some Fourth Divisioners on screen," a couple more Eleventh Division members said. "But then Unohana had to come and ruin our fun. We never did get to appear again."

"We're only ever seen being bullied," a group of Fourth Division nurses complained. The Eleventh division members told them to shut up. The nurses ran screaming.

"And there were so many of us whose only appearance was to be defeated by the dozens when the ryoka came," some generic-looking shinigami whined. "Even that Afro-idiot Kurumadani Zennosuke appears more often and he's completely useless in a fight. Everybody is stronger than him, yet he gets more screentime!"

"And there are dozens of us who are just standing guard over something! We don't even get to move!"

"At least your face shows," an Onmitsukidou ninja complained, tugging at his mask as if his face was itching underneath.

"At least you could fight," another big man, this one dressed in white, whined. "I'm locked in the Maggot's Nest! But one day I'm going to rule Seireitei!"

"Shut your trap, Big Mouth!" a small girl dressed like a Twelfth Division scientist scolded him. "I do so much interesting science in the SRDI, yet the most important task I'm seen doing in the manga is pushing the cart with Rukia's gigai! Even that idiot Rin gets more screentime than me! And he never invented anything!"

"I spent decades teaching the ungrateful brats at the Shinigami Academy!" Oounabara Gengorou complained. "Do you know what effort is it to keep a class of sword-wielding Kidou-firing idiots in order? Yet that Occhi character from the real world shows up more. She has it easier."

"She has to teach Kurosaki and his band," somebody nondescript pointed out.

"Her students don't try to kill her when she makes them repeat a year or just gives them an F," Oounabara-sensei argued.

"I, Umesada Toshimori, am the strongest of the sixteen people sharing the 20th Seat of the Ninth Division this year! Yet the only time I get on screen I'm trying to pick up a girl! And failing! It makes me look like some pathetic pervert!"

"Because you are a pathetic pervert," one of his subordinates commented.

"Nobody asked your opinion," Toshimori snapped.

"Everybody here is loud and annoying," a blond, bespectacled man, mumbled writing in his diary. He was Iemura Yasochika, Third Seat of the Fourth Division, in case somebody cares about him. But that's unlikely, because even his subordinates don't care about him. Some Eleventh Divisioner hit him on the head so hard he passed out.

"And what about us?" Two guys who looked almost the same, but one was dressed in white and the other in yellow, asked. "We serve our Lady Kuukaku faithfully, yet we never appear again after she fires the cannon! And our Lady Kuukaku deserves to appear more too!"

"Don't complain, Shiroganehiko, Koganehiko," a young punk said. His three punk friends nodded in agreement. "Ganju went running through Seireitei and he didn't take us with him! Now we look like some band of inept sidekicks who only hang in the background!"

"That's because you are a band of inept sidekicks who only hang in the background, Top, Fever, Hawk, Danberu," Shiroganehiko informed them.

"If Ganju took you with him, you'd be dead within five minutes!" Koganehiko added.

"You still have it better than us," the biggest giant of a man around stated. "I, Hikonyuutou, have guarded the Southern Gate of Seireitei diligently for centuries and I got cut out from the anime completely! And even in the manga I have just one small scene! And my colleagues Danzoumaru and Kaiwan have it the same! How dared they leave us out from the anime? Are we the elite of Soul Society or not?"

"We can't let it go on like this!" Jiroubou shouted.

"We can't!" everybody echoed.

"We want more screentime!" the Kamaitachi continued.

"More screentime!" everybody repeated.

"We're gonna fight for it!" Maki-Maki shouted.

"Fight?" Harunobu asked, sounding scared. He was a healer, not a fighter.

"Yes!" the two street-sweeping Eleventh Division members shouted. "We're gonna beat the main characters and take their place!"

"But we're not strong enough to take on the captains!" Shirogane Mihane objected.

"Do you have a better idea?" Tatsufusa asked.

"Yes," Mihane nodded. "We're going on strike. We'll stop performing our duties until they agree to our demands. We'll going to get some screentime in no time!"

"Yes! For screentime!" everybody shouted together.

And so they went on strike. They made big banners with catchy slogans, wrote letters with their demands to the authorities and marched through the streets of Seireitei, shouting their slogans all the time. And they are on strike still. Because nobody cares. Because they are just minor characters and therefore unimportant.


	117. Reigai trouble

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Yushima Ouko, mentions of others

**WARNING: SPOILERS FOR GOTEI 13 INVASION ARMY ARC.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

"Let me tell you about the trouble I went through when creating the reigai," Yushima Ouko started.

"When I created reigai of Kenpachi and Yachiru, they got lost. We couldn't find them. So I created a new pair and they got lost again. The third pair too. Eventually, I figured out they were getting lost because of reigai Kusajishi's directions, so the next time I created only reigai Zaraki. He ran off looking after Yachiru. And destroyed everything in his path. The next one after him too. After that, I just kept reigai Kenpachis sedated in the creation tanks and only released them directly into a battle. Yet some of them still managed to get lost on the way.

Reigai Yoruichi was a cat. She tore all the cushions and littered on the floor. She shredded some of my precious research notes too. My lab still stinks because I cannot find some of her droppings despite my minions sweeping it clean several times. And we cannot find that infernal cat. I think it's sneaking into my lab and leaving new droppings there on purpose. And reigai Soifon keeps pestering me to create a proper reigai of Yoruichi-sama. As if. What if it's a cat again?

I had to create two reigai Hinamori to trap Hitsugaya. But they were both just like the original. Always moaning 'Aizen-taichou, Aizen-taichou!' Do you have any idea how terrible it is to hear it stereo? I didn't create them again after Shihouin destroyed them. Actually, I was glad she did. Otherwise I would do it. I just couldn't stand them.

Reigai Unohana is even scarier than the original. But I mustn't let it show. Do you have any idea how hard is that?

Reigai Ukitake is ill. And it can cough up thrice as much blood as the original. Do you have any idea how hard it is to clean it up? Like we didn't have enough work with reigai Yoruichi.

Reigai Kyouraku drinks. And drinks. He can easily drink the original under the table. And then he drinks some more. And he only wants the best sake. Do you have any idea how much does it cost? I'm operating on limited budget here! That man is going to completely destroy it singlehandedly. And he isn't alone. Reigai Matsumoto, reigai Madarame, reigai Kira, reigai Ayasegawa, reigai Hisagi... do I need to continue? They might not have as refined tastes as Kyouraku, but they are still drinking me into bankruptcy. And reigai Matsumoto requires tons of beauty products. Reigai Ayasegawa too. Top-of-the-line, of course. Expensive as hell. I'm glad I stopped making reigai Kusajishis. Candy is really expensive too. Now only reigai Ukitake requires them and showers reigai Hitsugaya with them. Does he even realize that the brat doesn't want them?

Speaking of reigai Hitsugaya, that child has absolutely no control of his reiatsu when he's asleep. And because he has more of it than the original, he freezes a bigger area. That makes the cleaning bills even bigger. Not to mention that some things have to be replaced after being frozen solid or soaked through.

I created reigai Kiyone and reigai Sentarou too. They got into an argument with each other immediately. Their shouting threatened to destroy my eardrums. But then their shouting match turned into a brawl and they killed each other. I never tried to create the two of them again.

Reigai Kurotsuchi thinks he's a better scientist than me. He's insufferable. I am the best scientist the Soul Society has ever seen! Reigai Urahara thinks he's smarter than me too. Idiot. I'm going to show them.

Reigai Oomaeda absolutely refused to get into a perfect copy of his original's body. I had to hire a fashion designer and a sculptor to make a body he was willing to wear. And I had to hire the best ones. Let me tell you, those guys were expensive. Did I get any gratitude? No. And all the gold reigai Oomaeda required on his outfit! I'm not as rich as him! Is he trying to bankrupt me or what? He's more trouble than he's worth.

Reigai Kuchiki Rukia needed a whole new collection of Chappy toys. What is she even doing with them? And don't get me even started on her brother. He might not want anything from me, but he's just plain insufferable. That better-than-thou attitude of his could drive a saint mad.

At least reigai Nemu and reigai Ise are well behaved. But they're incapable of keeping their captains in line. Maybe I should make more of them. But all my materials and time go into repairing the morons who get themselves killed all the time. They're stronger than the originals! They have no business getting killed! I swear they're doing it purposefully to annoy me.

So you see? Destroying Soul Society is a backbreaking job that would send anyone in the madhouse. So please stop trying to make it even harder by playing the heroes and trying to stop me and let me do my work in peace!"


	118. Quotes

Genre: Humor/Suspense

Rating: K

Characters: Aizen, Tousen, Ichimaru

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

"Hm, let's see what's next," Aizen murmured as he traced his finger across the lines of a book.

"'You can always beat your wife. Even if you don't know why, she does.' Oh, that sounds good. Let's change it a bit. 'You can always punish your subordinates. Even if you don't know the reason, they do.' Yes, that's a nice little quote. And it would be so fun to live by. Too bad I'm still supposed to be the nice and kind Captain Aizen. I'll have to save it for when I conquer the world." He nodded contently. That sounded like a good plan. But it would have to wait for later. He had a more pressing task to complete.

"Next one: 'Veni, vidi, vici.' The shinigami won't understand a word of it. I'd have to translate it: 'I came, I saw, I conquered.'" He paused for a moment, then shook his head. "Still sounds cool, but not as much as the original. And I can't say it until I conquer the Soul Society, and by the time there won't be enough audience to appreciate it." The traitorous captain sighed. Being an evil mastermind wasn't as easy as everyone thought. Especially if one wanted to be classy about it. He turned the page and read the next quote.

"'The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.' I'll have to remember it for when I'll campaign to conquer Hell. Though, what good would conquering Hell be? But if I want to conquer the Universe, I'll have to conquer Hell too. But it's a good quote. Maybe I can tell it to some of my opponents, who just unwittingly aided me in my schemes. Let's see." He looked the mirror, striking a dramatic pose. "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions," he said. Then he shook his head. "That didn't sound right. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Dammit, that sounded even worse. Maybe I shouldn't use it after all, it wouldn't really fit the occasion. So what's next?

'With great power comes great responsibility.' Isn't that true. But not quite the one-liner I'd want to deliver. And I don't want any responsibility, I just want power. So this one is out too." He sighed. Looking for the perfect line to say was harder than he had imagined. He turned the page and recited the next quote.

"Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger." He pondered it for a moment before nodding. "That's right. Nothing that ever happened to me killed me and I got a lot stronger. But it isn't something I can tell to my defeated enemies. What if they took the hint and became stronger? That would mean trouble later on."

"What trouble?"

"Eeeeek!" Aizen jumped a meter, dropping the book. "Gin!" he scolded the newcomer. "How many times do I have to tell you not to sneak up on me like that?"

"I told you we should have knocked," Tousen scolded his companion. "Just barging in is against Justice."

"Ya an' yer Justice," Ichimaru muttered sarcastically. "So whatcha doin', Aizen-taichou?" He looked at the book lying discarded on the floor. "Famous quotes?" he raised an eyebrow. "Ya practicing pickup lines? Ya coulda get more girls if ya threw away yer glasses."

"Of course not, Ichimaru," Aizen scowled. "I can't stop wearing glasses now. You know why."

"Not really," the silver-haired captain muttered. Aizen ignored him and continued.

"I'm looking for the perfect line to say when we finally leave Soul Society."

"Tell them about true Justice, Aizen-sama," Tousen suggested.

"S'pposed ta be the perfect line," Gin pointed out.

"Justice is perfect," the blind man stated. Aizen sighed. These two were his best minions. How was he supposed to conquer the universe with underlings like these? He wished he had the Hougyouku already. Then he'd make a plenty of Arrancar. There would be some actually competent ones among them, sure? Then he'd be able to get rid of these two idiots finally. He couldn't wait for the day to come.

"Doubt they'd be impressed," Ichimaru said.

"They'd have to see the Path of the Least Bloodshed!" Tousen bellowed. Gin snickered. Then he turned to Aizen.

"So didya pick a good line yet?"

"I'm still working on it," the evil master(?)mind answered. "It has to be something catchy, something that would leave them stunned with its truth and eloquence."

"Something about Justice," Tousen said, but everybody ignored him.

"Hm," Ichimaru scrunched his face in deep thought. His smile never faltered during the process. It was a creepy sight. "Methinks ya shoulda make it simple. Just say yer god."

"You know what, Gin?" Aizen smiled. "I might do just that." Maybe at least one of his minions wasn't completely useless. He should keep him for a while longer. And if Gin irritated him again, well, he should take a piece of advice from the book and just beat him. Gin would always know what it was for.


	119. Minor characters 2

Genre: Humor/Crack

Rating: K+

Characters: even more minor and insignificant characters than the last time

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

They've been on strike for months and still nothing happened.

"This is pointless!" Ogidou Harunobu shouted in frustration. "They're just ignoring us!"

"This strike helps nothing!" Takezoe Koukichirou added.

"We have to fight!" Aramaki Makizou suggested.

"Yes, fight!" Enjouji Tatsufusa, Ikkanzaka Jiroubou, the three gate guardians and several others echoed.

"We'll be as famous as Renji-sama!" Rikichi shouted, already daydreaming about the tattoos he'd get to celebrate their glorious victory.

"But we can't defeat them alone!" Shirogane Mihane pointed out.

"Are you too scared, girl?" Umesada Toshimori asked. "I can cheer you up!" he offered with a lecherous smile. Mihane kicked him.

"No," she shook her head. "Fighting and taking over the show by force is the only way to get some screentime now. But we cannot do it alone. We need reinforcements."

"Where you want to find them?" one of Ganju's sidekicks asked. "The whole Soul Society is here!"

"Then we'll look somewhere else," Mihane said. "There are plenty of minor characters in the LivingWorld and in Hueco Mundo too. We're going to recruit them. There are some pretty powerful ones."

"Are we supposed to cooperate with Hollows and Arrancar?" Shiroganehiko asked in terror.

"That's terrible!" Koganehiko added.

"They're in the same predicament as us!" Mihane pointed out. "That makes us brothers in spirit, if not blood!"

"Yes!" Somebody shouted. "Minor characters of all worlds, unite!"

"Everybody here got crazy," Iemura Yasochika mumbled while scribbling into his diary, but everybody ignored him.

So the crowd headed into the Living World. There they recruited Karin's friends, Ryohei, Heita, Kazuya and Kai, who complained that they were only ever shown as incompetent soccer players. They suggested the group would take Tonou Midori too, because she got cut out of the anime completely. Hashigami, Kaneda, Ino and Kazuya wanted in too, because they didn't want their only appearance in the show remain the one time they were slacking off school during PE.

Then they headed to Karakura High, where Keigo immediately wanted to join, but was rejected, because he was a recurring joke character and got more screentime than any ten members of the union put together. He ran off crying to Mizuiro, who ignored him. Keigo's sister Mizuho was allowed to join, which she did because she wanted to see Ikkaku again. Then the group recruited Ichigo's classmates Ogawa Michiru, Kunieda Ryo, Natsui Mahana and Momohara Tetsuo, because they barely ever appeared on the show, then Ooshima Reiichi and Sorimachi who wanted to get back at Ichigo for beating them up when they tried to bully him, then the members of Orihime's and Ishida's handcraft club who were pissed because their two best sewers left them just before the national sewing competition to go save some friend of theirs and then the loads of Ichigo's classmates who only ever appear as names of the Class standings sheet. The principal wanted to join too to make his school more famous and Kagine-sensei joined too to keep better eye on his wayward students so they wouldn't bring shame on the school.

The whole assortment of Soul Candies joined too. Momone, Bruce, Gringo, King and Ginnosuke were angry because their personalities were only ever shown in omakes and then used as jokes. Chappy wasn't allowed in because she got a lot of screen time and she was a psychopath.

Don Kanonji and his crew tried to join, but they were rejected because they had their own show.

They were a bit disheartened that they didn't manage to recruit anyone really useful in the Living World, because Ishida Ryuuken absolutely refused participate in anything together with shinigami, even if it meant more screentime. But they didn't abandon their hope and headed to Hueco Mundo. There were some powerful characters who barely appeared there.

They were much luckier there. Many Hollows immediately assembled under their banner. Even many Arrancar. The Privarón Espada, Dordoni Alessandro del Socaccio, Gantebainne Mosqueda and Cirucci Sanderwicci, who complained they were only in the show to be discarded by Aizen and defeated, and in Cirucci's case some freak tried to look under her skirt in the process. The gatekeepers, Aisslinger Wernarr and Demoura Zodd joined with much the same complaint. Baraggan's Fraccion joined too. But they locked Charlotte in his closet, because in everybody's opinion any screentime he got was too much. Grimmjow's Fraccions joined them too. Especially Di Roy Rinker complained that the show made him look completely incompetent. Ylfordt Granz commented that the show made him looked exactly as competent as he was and the two Arrancar got entangled in a brawl.

Even some of the Espada joined. Zommari Rureaux complained that he deserved better than be killed by Kuchiki-taichou and he needed more screentime to spread his Amor to more people. Aaronierro Arruruerie complained that he didn't get the chance to show off his 300000+ different Hollow powers. Zommari told him that it was his own fault for not using them when he should have.

Then Tousen appeared, saying that he deserved more screentime to talk about Justice and the Path of the Least Bloodshed. He was rejected too, because he was a major character and a major annoyance.

"We want in too!" Jin Kariya shouted, leading his assembly of Bounts to the group of minor characters. "We want another chance to get back at Soul Society!"

"I want another chance to rule it!" Kumoi Gyoukaku shouted, leading his army of ninja armed with Bakkoutou.

"I want another chance to destroy it!" Yushima Ouko yelled.

"We want to destroy the originals!" his army of modsouls declared.

"I want another chance to free Kouga," Muramasa said.

"We want another chance to get back at our worthless wielders!" the liberated zanpakutou spirits shouted in unison.

"What are you doing here?" Mihane scowled. "This is a gathering of minor characters!"

"We are just filler characters! Insignificant!" Kariya shouted. "We want more screentime too!"

"You have whole fillers for yourself!" Harunobu reminded them. "We have next to nothing!"

"We formed this society to get more screentime!" Tatsufusa shouted.

"Equal screentime for everybody!" Kaiwan declared.

"Equal screentime!" everybody echoed.

"We don't want any stuck-up filler villains here!" the old servant from the Kuchiki manor shouted.

"Away with filler guys!" a nameless shinigami shouted. "They have whole arcs for themselves and they have names and fancy character designs! We all have to look the same!"

"Away with the stuck-up bastards!"

"Away with them!" the nameless, generic-faced characters bellowed and attacked the filler characters.

"Away with the jerks who have real names and faces!" some Kidou Corps member shouted.

"We're hungry!" the Hollows shouted and attacked the shinigami, starting with the most powerful because they tasted better.

"I told you so," Iemura said writing in his diary, conveniently forgetting that he didn't tell them so. Then a Hollow ate him and nobody cared.

Pandemonium ensued. All the characters of any significance got killed. Only the nameless, faceless ones who the Hollows deemed not nutritious enough saved themselves by running. They gathered back in Seireitei.

"What are we going to do now?" one of them asked. "We lost all of our best fighters."

"We proceed with the revolution!" another shouted. "We don't need those jerks! There are enough of us to pull it off!"

"Yes!" some nameless Eleventh Division brute punched the air. "We're gonna wipe the floor with the main characters and get some screentime!"

And so they went to war. And they lost badly, because nameless characters always lose to named ones, no matter how many there are. And their fight didn't even make it onscreen.


	120. Masaki's portrait

Genre: Family/Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Isshin, Karin, Yuzu, Ichigo

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

It was a pretty typical day in the Kurosaki household. It was Sunday and it was just about time for dinner. Karin and Isshin were seated at the table. Yuzu stood at the stove, prepared to serve dinner.

"Can you bring it here already?" Karin asked impatiently.

"Onii-chan isn't here yet," Yuzu pointed out. "We cannot start the family dinner without him."

"Who knows when he will show up?" Karin shrugged. "Just bring the food now. I'm starving here."

"We have to wait for Onii-chan," Yuzu insisted. There was no arguing with Yuzu, as every Kurosaki knew. Karin realized that she wasn't going to get her dinner anytime soon and turned to her father.

"It's your fault," she accused. "You're too soft on Ichi-nii and let him stay outside even when he should have been home an hour ago!"

"Ichigo is a big boy now!" Isshin stated. "He's already fifteen! He can take care for himself!"

"That's beside the point," Karin huffed. "He has no discipline."

"He's a healthy, fifteen year old boy! I can't expect him to be at home at eight Sunday evening!"

"Yesterday he came at seven and you said it was too late," the dark-haired girl pointed out.

"That was yesterday!" Isshin stated. "Today is today!" Karin punched him. Isshin collapsed to the ground theatrically, then got up and knelt in front of Masaki's portrait.

"Masaki!" he cried manly tears, "our children are mean to me!" Yuzu looked concerned. Karin just rolled her eyes and pretended her father wasn't there, making an ass of himself. It proved to be impossible, just as every time this happened. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore.

"Can you quit it already?" she snapped. "You're an embarrassment." That caused Isshin to cry harder.

"Oh, Masaki, our children don't respect me!"

"Honestly, it's just ridiculous," Karin continued. "Just take down the poster finally and behave like a sane man for a change."

"Remove Masaki's poster?" Isshin looked scandalized. "Never! Oh, Masaki, where did I get wrong raising our children?"

Karin seriously debated getting up and hitting him on the head, when the key rattled in the lock.

"Onii-chan!" Yuzu exclaimed and finally started carrying the pot of food to the table. The door opened and in walked Ichigo.

"You're late!" Isshin bellowed and attacked Ichigo with a flying kick. Ichigo ducked and punched his father's stomach. Isshin landed on the ground with a thud.

"Stop it already," Ichigo said with irritation. Isshin jumped to his feet and attacked him again. Ichigo grabbed his wrist and threw him over his shoulder. Isshin crashed into Yuzu and knocked her down. Yuzu dropped the bowl of stew she had been carrying and the bowl flew through the air, hitting Masaki's portrait, making an ugly stain on it.

"Oh Masaki!" Isshin cried. "What have we done to you?"

"Sorry," Yuzu whispered, sounding a bit shell-shocked.

"Now you'll have to remove the poster finally," Karin uttered, feeling smug.

"I'm so sorry," Yuzu repeated.

"Uh... sorry?" Ichigo said, but it didn't sound very sincere. He too felt mortally embarrassed every time his father worshipped the poster.

Yuzu meanwhile got over a shock and grabbed a towel and tried to clean the portrait, but it was a lost cause. The paper was soaked through and it tore under her touch.

"Sorry," she apologized again, though she was the least at fault.

After that, the Kurosaki family cooperated to remove the mess and the ruined poster. Especially Karin made sure that Isshin wouldn't be able to somehow restore the poster and put it on the wall again. But considering it was in several pieces now, that sounded very unlikely.

Finally it was done. The last traces of the spilled stew were removed. The wall looked strangely bare without Masaki's portrait hanging there, but the Kurosaki children were sure they'd get used to it. It was a small price to pay for not having to watch their father cry in front of it at least ten times a day.

In their elation over their victory, they didn't notice their father disappearing from the room. They however couldn't miss when he returned, a long roll of paper in his hand. Karin was hit by a sudden feeling of dread. It was immediately justified when Isshin walked to the empty spot on the wall and declared:

"It was bad that you ruined your mother's portrait,"

"It was your fault," Karin muttered, but Isshin ignored her and continued:

"But Daddy isn't angry at you. Because Daddy is always prepared!" With these words, he unrolled the paper he had been holding, revealing that it was another poster of Masaki. "And now, to make up for what we did wrong, we'll hang this new, improved portrait of our lovely Masaki!" The three children could only stare as he hung the poster on the wall. Isshin took a step back, admiring his handiwork.

"Now, isn't this all better?" Nobody responded. "And just so you know, in case something like this happens again, Daddy has dozens of spare posters!"

"Damn," Karin muttered, "we aren't going to get rid of that thing, are we?"

* * *

**End Note:** Did you notice that there are at least two versions of Masaki's portrait? In one she's making a gesture with her right hand, in the other one the hand is missing.


	121. Complete Hypnosis

Genre: Humor/Mystery/Drama

Rating: K

Characters: Aizen, Ichimaru, Kyouka Suigetsu

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

"Ya know, Aizen-sama, I've been wondering about something."

It was a pleasant day and Aizen was using it to lounge on his favorite terrace, watching the clouds pass through the artificial sky. Of course, he was controlling the environment in Las Noches so it was a good day whenever he wished so, but today was an exceptionally good day and Aizen decided to enjoy it thoroughly and just sit around, sipping his favorite brand of tea, one that was impossible to get in Hueco Mundo and extremely rare and expensive everywhere else. He had to send his Espada to the Living World to get him some. And now Ichimaru came and disturbed his peace.

"What is it, Gin?" Aizen asked, hiding his annoyance. It'd better be something serious, though knowing his silver-haired subordinate, it probably wasn't. He just hoped that is wasn't something completely ridiculous Ichimaru decided to pester him with today.

"Yer Kyouka Suigetsu can put under Complete Hypnosis whoever sees its shikai release," the permanently squinting man stated.

"That's correct," Aizen said, smiling smugly at the thought of his power. He had used it to ensnare the whole of Gotei 13, so now nobody was able to oppose him successfully.

"But ya see it too when ya release," Ichimaru pointed out.

"So?" Aizen raised an eyebrow, not seeing where his second-in-command was heading with this.

"Ain't ya under the Complete Hypnosis too?" Gin fired his question. It hit its intended mark.

Aizen blinked. How could Ichimaru ask something so stupid? "Of course not," he said, smiling patronizingly. "Kyouka Suigetsu is my own zanpakutou. Of course I am not affected by its power."

Ichimaru looked at him intently. It was quite a feat, considering his eyes were closed, but he had lots of practice. "Yer sure?"

"Of course I am sure," Aizen stated, a hint of annoyance seeping into his voice. "I control the illusions. I can see what's really going on."

"Are ya sure?" Gin repeated. "How can ya know what yer seeing isn't an illusion?"

"I just know," the evil mastermind replied.

"But how d'ya know?" Ichimaru questioned. "Ain't Kyouka Suigetsu's illusions perfect?"

"Of course they are," Aizen confirmed.

"Then how d'ya know yer not in one?"

"Look around, Gin," the brown-haired traitor said with a smile. His tea was getting cold and his annoyance of a subordinate was still pestering him with his nonsense. "Do you see everything we have achieved here? The palace I built? The Hougyoku I stole from Soul Society? Do you think I would have achieved that if I weren't able to perceive reality clearly?"

"Dunno," Ichimaru shrugged, smiling his infuriating smile. "Maybe there ain't no palace, no Hougyoku, no me and this all's just an illusion and yer sitting in a padded cell somewhere. There's no way to know."

"Tousen is blind, and therefore unaffected," Aizen pointed out.

"Maybe Tousen is an illusion too," Gin suggested, grinning viciously.

"Trust me, I know it isn't an illusion," Aizen replied confidently, but inside the worm of doubt was twisting. What if everything was indeed a lie? What if none of his achievements had ever happened? None of his victories were really won? What if his vast power was just an illusion? No, that was inconceivable. He was the great mastermind, about to transcend the power of both shinigami and Hollows, ascend to heaven and become a physical god. Gin was just messing with his head. That was what Gin did the best. Aizen knew that, yet he let the silver-haired man goad him. It was time to stop this nonsense and remind Ichimaru of his place.

"That's enough," he said forcefully, only barely restraining himself from slamming his hand on the table. It would be an unbecoming display of his lack of self-control and it might spill the tea. No matter that it was already cold, it was still his favorite brand. "Leave. And don't talk about this nonsense anymore."

"As ya wish, Aizen-sama," Gin bowed, smirking victoriously, before leaving. Aizen cursed him silently. That man had noticed just how much this conversation unsettled him. He took a sip from his cup of tea to calm down. He grimaced. The tea didn't taste any good when it was cold. And he had spent so much on it. He could have gotten so much useful equipment for the cost of this one cup. He set the teacup back on the table. His perfect day had been completely ruined. Maybe it was this feeling of everything going downhill that caused him to contact his zanpakutou spirit and actually ask the question:

"_You aren't keeping me under an illusion, are you, Kyouka Suigetsu?"_

"_Of course not,"_ the zanpakutou answered, sounding mildly offended. Aizen smiled in relief. Everything was right in the world. Gin had been just messing with his mind. Aizen was going to repay him in kind soon. But then he realized something that made his smile and heart freeze: his zanpakutou was just like him: a consummate liar. There was no way to tell whether it was speaking the truth. And it was a manipulative bastard too. Putting its own wielder under Complete Hypnosis would be in character. Aizen cursed silently. Damn Gin. Now he couldn't enjoy his upcoming victory anymore.


	122. Aizen's diary

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Aizen, his minions

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

**Excerpts from Aizen's diary**

I conquered that so-called 'god's' Baraggan's empire. My rule of Hueco Mundo can start.

Tousen preached about Justice. It was boring.

Gin's smile is annoying.

I ordered Baraggan's minions to build me a palace. I should have made sure there was an architect among them. The result looks completely ridiculous. But at least it's big.

Nnoitra attacked Neliel again. And lost. He's pathetic.

Baraggan insisted he's a god. I had to explain why I am the God, using Kyouka Suigetsu.

Starrk didn't show up on today's Espada meeting. He overslept. It was the middle of the afternoon!

Nnoitra and Szayel got rid of Neliel today. That's laudable. I want only the strongest and most vicious to serve me. But couldn't they get rid of someone else? I wanted to keep Neliel. She looked the best. Now I have to recruit another buxom babe. But where do I find one? Especially with underlings like these. Nnoitra kills everybody instead of recruiting them.

Gin smiled in a very creepy way today.

I can't stand Dordonii's speech patterns. I'm demoting him to Privaron Espada jus so I won't have to listen to him anymore.

Szayel blew up his laboratory. I had to get him replacement equipment. It cost me a fortune.

Baraggan insisted he's a god. I had to explain why I am the God, using Kyouka Suigetsu.

Tousen preached about the Path of the Least Bloodshed. It was boooring.

I finally found a buxom babe to replace Neliel. But Harribel's jacket is too revealing! It caused a commotion at the meeting and we got nothing done. But at least there's something pretty to look at again.

Gin's smile was extra disturbing today.

I can't stand the witch Cirucci. Her lack of fashion sense is just deplorable. I'm demoting her to Privaron Espada.

Zommari wanted me to accept his Amor. I'm not gay! And he's ugly and stupid!

Baraggan insisted he's a god. I had to explain why I am the God, using Kyouka Suigetsu.

I'm demoting Gantebainne. Reason? I feel like it. I'm God, I don't need reasons, but if you want one, I can't stand redheads.

Loly attacked Harribel, because she has bigger boobs. Loly lost badly.

Rudobon made so many clones that Las Noches was completely crowded. And I thought the palace was big enough for a whole nation.

Grimmjow said he was the King and attacked Baraggan. He got curb-stomped.

Gin rearranged the corridors inside Las Noches, making everybody hopelessly lost. Thanks to him, I had to postpone Espada meeting because nobody could find their way.

Szayel blew up his laboratory. Again. I had to get him replacement equipment. It's expensive.

Tousen preached about Justice. It was boring as hell.

Aaroniero whined about the sunlight in Las Noches. He has a really annoying voice.

Baraggan insisted he's a god. I had to explain why I am the God, using Kyouka Suigetsu.

Loly attacked Mila-Rose, because she has bigger boobs. She lost badly.

Gin smiled very smugly today. As if he knew something I didn't.

We spent ten hours today looking for Wonderweiss, who ran off chasing after some butterfly-Hollow.

Szayel brewed something that burned through the floors all the way to the basement. We had to rebuild lots of floors and ceilings.

Tesra keeps bumping into walls, because he has no depth perception. Why does he insist on wearing the eyepatch?

Baraggan's Fracción fought Grimmjow's Fracción. Their respective Espada cheered them on. Don't they know they were supposed to stop them?

Lilynette tried to get into the Espada meeting instead of Starrk, who was asleep. I had to throw her out. She couldn't sit still.

Tousen preached about Justice. Again. It's getting repetitive. And boring. Mustn't forget about boring.

Harribel's Fracción were arguing today and making an awful lot of noise. And Harribel didn't stop them because she was busy catching her tan.

Baraggan insisted he's a god. I had to explain why I am the God, using Kyouka Suigetsu.

I don't know what Gin said to my Espada, but it resulted in a brawl. Took me over an hour to make them stop. Half of Las Noches was ruined. Had to rebuild. Hope this time the architects do better work.

We spent twelve hours chasing after Wonderweiss, who ran off chasing after a bunny-Hollow.

Grimmjow insisted he was the King and attacked Ulquiorra. He lost badly.

Loly attacked Lilynette, because she's copying her style. She lost badly.

Mila-Rose fought with Apacci. Sung-Sun cheered on. Harribel wasn't there to break them up, because she was working on her tan.

Yammy ate all the food in the kitchens. I'm hungry.

Charlotte danced in the hallways. I've never seen anyone so ugly. I'm trying to remember what I was on when I made him.

Szayel blew up his laboratory. Again. I had to get him replacement equipment. It cost me a fortune. Seriously, does he have no idea how much does his research cost? I swear he's doing it on purpose.

Tousen preached about the Path of the Least Bloodshed for a change. It isn't any better than Justice.

Baraggan insisted he's a god. I had to explain why I am the God, using Kyouka Suigetsu. I'm afraid he still didn't quite get it. He can be so dumb sometimes.

Apacci, Sung-Sun and Mila-Rose were practicing their new technique today. While I admit Ayon is impressive, they should control it better. It tore down half of the buildings in Las Noches. And Harribel wasn't there to stop them because she was too busy sunbathing. We're having to rebuild again. I hope third time's the charm and this time Las Noches will finally look good.

Gin looked like he knew something I don't again. It's creeping me out. What if he really knows something I don't?

Yammy broke the doorframe coming to the Espada meeting today.

Grimmjow's Fracción brawled. Grimmjow cheered them on. Does he not know he's supposed to keep them well-behaved?

Loly attacked Sung-Sun, because she is prettier. She lost badly.

Ulquiorra is so depressing. His mere presence almost made me cry today.

Aaroniero whined about the sunlight inside Las Noches. Again. I'm increasing its intensity just to piss him off.

Tousen preached about Justice again. He wouldn't shut up for three hours.

We spent the whole day looking for Wonderweiss, who ran off chasing after a cheetah-Hollow. I'd never believe how fast they could run.

Loly attacked Apacci, because she's a girl. She lost badly. Seriously, does the moron never learn?

Yammy ate all the food in the kitchens. Again. And he still complained he was hungry. And so did everybody else.

Gin looked pleased with himself today. I'm getting worried.

Baraggan insisted he's a god. I had to explain why I am the God, using Kyouka Suigetsu. I hope this time he'll finally get it, but I'm afraid I'm hoping for too much.

Harribel forgot to attend Espada meeting, because she was catching her tan. Seriously, she's obsessed with her tan.

Grimmjow attacked Nnoitra. Nnoitra almost killed him.

I can't stand that smug smile of Ichimaru's! I swear he's up to something!

Loly attacked Menoly just because. She lost again. She's hopeless. Why do I even keep her around?

Yammy's dog raided the kitchen.

I've had it with my underlings! I'm going to send them fighting the captains and watch as they get slaughtered! It will be a precious sight. And if someone survives, I'll finish them off myself!


	123. Hinamori's reaction

Genre: Humor/Crack

Rating: K+

Characters: Ichimaru, Hinamori, Aizen

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

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"There's someone who wants to meet you," Ichimaru said as he led Hinamori deeper into the Seijoutoukyorin.

"Someone who wants to meet me?" the girl asked wide-eyed. The Seijoutoukyorin was off-limits to everyone, so who would be there who wanted to meet her? It was suspicious. But everything was suspicious ever since Aizen-taichou had been murdered. She couldn't understand how it could have happened. She had suspected first Ichimaru-taichou (the very man she was following now, a part of her mind pointed out), then Shiro-chan and now she simply didn't know what to think about the whole situation. The demise of the Central 46 didn't fully register in her consciousness yet. That might be why she was following an untrustworthy person into an unknown deserted place, something that even she would call too naive under normal circumstances. But the circumstances were far from normal and so Hinamori walked obediently after the silver-haired man, wanting to see where he was going to lead her.

"That's right," Ichimaru nodded. "Go on. Look behind you." Hinamori obeyed, half excited and half dreading what she was going to see there. There in the doorway, framed by the light from the next room stood a figure. A figure wearing a captain's haori. A very familiar figure. Hinamori's heart skipped a beat. Was it possible? How was it possible? Was it the truth or were her eyes deceiving her? Was it really Aizen-taichou, alive and unharmed, standing in front of her?

Aizen slowly walked into the room, smiling his best smile. Everything was going according to his plans. His cute, little, naive, trusting and so easy to manipulate lieutenant was standing there, watching him with her wide doe eyes. She was too shocked to do anything. She was just glad to see him alive. She was going to be so easy to kill. And once she was dead, he'd frame her little friend Hitsugaya for it, then he'd pick up the Hougyoku which would be out of little Rukia's body thanks to the Soukyoku by then and then he'd finally leave this pathetic place and become a god. And then...

His train of thoughts was interrupted by a kiss landing on his lips. Aizen blinked. What did just happen?

"Aizen-taichou!" Hinamori squealed before kissing him again. The girl had broken her record in shunpo to get from her original position to hanging on his neck. "I'm so glad you're alive!" _Kiss. _"Now we're going be together forever!" _Kiss. _"We're going to marry!"_Kiss. _"And have lots of babies!"_Kiss._

_Marry? Babies? _Aizen's mind went completely blank. In his shock at Hinamori's behavior, he completely forgot that he wanted to kill her, which would take care of the problem of marriage and babies once and for all.

"We're going to tell everybody!" Hinamori exclaimed. Then she grabbed Aizen's hand and dragged him away in a shunpo, leaving behind Gin who was grinning like an idiot.

When Aizen's mind finally started working again, his first thought was that he had no idea that Hinamori could shunpo so fast and so far. When did she get so strong? His second thought was that this wasn't supposed to be happening. He was supposed to kill his lieutenant inside the compound of Central 46, not somewhere in the middle of Seireitei. His third thought was that he shouldn't be out of his hiding place before Kuchiki's execution was over. He had to do something quickly before his little lieutenant, who had quite obviously lost it, ruined his plans completely.

But before he could draw Kyouka Suigetsu, Hinamori reached her destination and stopped. It was so sudden it threw Aizen off-balance.

"Hey, everybody!" Momo shouted. "Me and Aizen-taichou are getting married!" Her proclamation was met by stunned silence. Aizen finally took a good look where they were. On the Soukyoku Hill. Kikouou wasn't released yet and Rukia hung limply from the rack. And below it stood five captains and their vice-captains, who looked at him none-too-friendly. Yamamoto even opened his eyes.

_Uh-oh._


	124. Bad attendance

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: captains

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

**Bad attendance**

One day, Yamamoto called for an unscheduled captains' meeting. He marched into the captains' meeting hall, only to find out that he was the only one there. So he waited, whether somebody was going to show up. And waited and waited. And then waited some more. He must have drifted off, because when he woke up, there already were two captains in the room. Yamamoto said nothing, not wanted to reveal that he had been asleep. And so they waited in silence for when the next captain would show up. And then they waited for the next one. Finally, after almost a whole day of waiting, when everyone was about ready to murder everyone else just to get out, the last one arrived and the meeting could commence. Well, it would have, if Yamamoto wasn't asleep again. So when he woke up an hour later and saw that everybody was there, he tapped his cane on the floor and began speaking. And speaking and speaking, ignoring the murderous thoughts of everybody who had been forced to wait for hours before this pointless meeting could start.

"What's wrong with you, people?" Yamamoto finally asked after almost half an hour of orating. "Why do you do all that stuff to get out of attending a captains' meeting?" He didn't have to wait even for a second before the first of the captains offered his 'excuse.'

"Why would I want to be here?" Kenpachi raised an eyebrow, making his bells tingle. "Any time I waste here is a time when I'm not fighting."

"A captains' meeting is an important event, not a waste of time," Yamamoto scolded.

"Tch." That one sound summed up perfectly what the Eleventh Division Captain thought about it.

"I have patients to treat," Unohana said. "Every time I'm forced to stand here some of our soldiers might die before there's nobody who can treat the really serious wounds."

"They shouldn't have gotten hurt," Yamamoto stated, not looking the slightest bit concerned or ashamed. "It's their fault for not being good enough not to require your skills."

"I've been doing some paperwork. I had to hurry to finish it before deadline," Kyouraku said. Everybody looked at him dubiously. The Eighth Division captain looked a bit tipsy. Kyouraku shrugged. "Nanao-chan made me."

"You were drinking again," Yamamoto accused him.

"I can't help it," Shunsui shrugged unconcernedly again. "Paperwork is too terrible to face sober. I don't understand how my Nanao-chan can stand it."

"I was ill. I can't help it when I'm ill," Ukitake explained before coughing.

"It's funny how Ukitake's illness always flares up right before a captains' meeting," Kurotsuchi pointed out.

"It must be the stress of the upcoming meeting making it worse," Kyouraku theorized. "So what were you doing?"

"I've been in the middle of an important experiment," the mad scientist answered. "I couldn't interrupt it or let anyone else oversee it or valuable data would be lost. Not that you would understand."

"I had to resolve an important matter with my clan," Byakuya said. His tone let everybody know that they shouldn't dwell on the matter any longer.

"I've been chasing a band of deserters. I couldn't let them go when I almost got them just because somebody decided he wants to hold a meeting," Soifon informed everybody.

"That's not true!" Kurotsuchi shouted. "I saw her. She found an abandoned kitten on her way and had to bring it home." Soifon blushed.

"Weren't you too busy with your experiment?" Hitsugaya questioned.

"And what were you doing?" the mad scientist questioned instead of answering.

"Looking for Matsumoto," the boy answered. "I had to check half of the bars in Rukongai before I found her. The missive about the meeting didn't reach me until hours too late."

"Enough with the excuses," Yamamoto tapped his cane on the floor. Komamura hid a sigh of relief, because the general forgot to ask what he had been doing. He didn't want to explain that the message found him in the middle of taking a bath and he was too ashamed to come to the meeting smelling like a wet dog. Sometimes it paid off to be the quiet guy everybody forgot about. "It is really shameful what you'd do just to get out of attending a meeting."

"Heh. I remember how Aizen once stepped on his glasses and then pretended he couldn't find the way," Kyouraku recalled fondly.

"Rose made up an emergency and ran to the Living World," Unohana said with a smile.

"And Hirako even broke his arm on purpose once. Too bad it wasn't recognized as a valid reason not to attend," Ukitake remembered.

"That was a bit extreme, but it almost got both him and Unohana out of attending," Kyouraku commented.

"Tousen always claimed he had to work on the next issue of Seireitei Communication," Komamura said.

"It was especially funny when he said he had to edit the pictures. Honestly, couldn't he come up with a more plausible excuse?" Kyouraku shook his head.

"Kiganjou Kenpachi was the worst. Or maybe the smartest. He didn't bother with excuses at all," Shunsui recalled.

"And there were that one time when Hitsugaya switched himself with an ice clone," Unohana recalled. "He would have almost gotten away with it, if Ukitake wasn't concerned why he was so quiet and accidentally knocked it over trying to cheer him up."

"Don't remind me about it," Ukitake shuddered. "Seeing Shiro-chan shatter was one of the worst moments of my life."

"If you were any good you would have realized it was a clone right away," Kurotsuchi said condescendingly.

"Did you know it was a clone?" Kyouraku asked.

"Of course," Mayuri answered. "It was a really stupid stunt. Anyone with half a brain would notice."

"Then why didn't you say anything?" Shunsui questioned.

"Why would I?" the clownish man shrugged. "The clone didn't interrupt my speech even once."

"You mean your insane ramblings," Hitsugaya muttered.

"Don't try to act smart when you don't understand anything," Kurotsuchi snapped at him. Hitsugaya just glared.

"And remember the time Kurotsuchi sent a gikongan in a reigai," Kyouraku said. "It insulted Kenpachi and he destroyed it. That had been quite a mess. Nobody could tell whether it had been the real Kurotsuchi or not. It didn't stop until we found Mayuri in his lab."

"But what if the gikongan was in the lab and the real Kurotsuchi-taichou was killed?" Kuchiki theorized.

"Nonsense," Ukitake shook his head. "There's no way Mayuri would prefer attending a captains' meeting to playing in his lab."

"I'm not playing!" Kurotsuchi protested, but he was ignored.

"Unless he was allowed to experiment on the other captains," Hitsugaya muttered.

"That's a good idea!" Mayuri lightened up. "Allow me to experiment on them."

"No," Yamamoto denied him.

"Why not?" the mad scientist whined. "That way they would be actually useful for something."

"But the attendance would be even worse," the general pointed out.

"I still don't see why that is a problem," Kurotsuchi grumbled.

"I remember how Urahara used to send a reigai too. He pulled it off at least three times before the trick was discovered," Unohana recalled. Kurotsuchi made a sour face. Other captains smirked.

Yamamoto tapped his cane on the floor, stopping the stream of fond recollections.

"So what should I do to make you want to come to a meeting?" the ancient general thundered.

"Bring sake and pretty girls!" Kyouraku suggested cheerfully. Soifon shot him a murderous glare.

"Are you saying I am ugly?" Unohana asked softly. Kyouraku looked like he might wet his hakama.

"Of course not," he answered hurriedly. "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever met, but there's only one of you."

"Two Unohanas would be too scary," somebody muttered.

"I'm not bringing booze and whores to a captains' meeting!" Yamamoto cut the discussion short. "Are there other suggestions?"

"Bring snacks!" Yachiru shouted. Everybody looked at her in surprise. Just when did she get there? And how?

"You have no business being here, Kusajishi-fukutaichou. This is a captains' meeting," Yamamoto said sternly.

"Ken-chan is here, so I'm here too," Yachiru answered completely unfazed by the soutaichou's ire. "I'm always with him."

"You keep complaining people don't want to come and now you're angry somebody came on her own?" Kyouraku raised an eyebrow. "Because that's the first time somebody actually wanted to be here."


	125. Yukio's achievments

Genre: Humor/Action

Rating: K+

Characters: Yukio, Hitsugaya

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

"Why do you keep making fun of me, you brat?" Yukio shouted when Hitsugaya failed to be impressed by his show of power. For somebody who had called himself a god half a minute earlier, it was really pathetic. The last guy who had claimed that had been a lot better. But Yukio knew nothing about it. He completely failed to see just how hypocritical his line sounded. Instead he sent the giant to attack Hitsugaya. The young captain dodged easily. He didn't even need shunpo.

"Don't just dodge it!" Yukio screamed. "Are you scared?"

"Then don't make it so that I can dodge it," Hitsugaya suggested in a tone reserved for slow children. "Are you restraining your power?"

"I am!" Yukio boasted. "Do you want to see what happens when I go all out?" Regardless of the answer, he was going to show this stuck-up brat what he could do. So he didn't bother waiting for one and immediately turned all the walls into snakes. He enjoyed the momentary widening of his opponent's eyes.

"You can't escape!" he shouted gleefully as Hitsugaya dodged all the attacks. Effortlessly, but Yukio failed to see that. "Even if you leave this room, all the other room s and walls and ceilings and floors are all my power! They're set up to chase you wherever you go and crush you! Come on, attack! I'll kill you! Captains are just elite that grow up in a nice, pampered environment." Hitsugaya rolled his eyes at Yukio's delusion, which the gamer boy misinterpreted as a sign of fear. He was quite delusional. Just like another self-proclaimed god, only a lot more pathetic. "Someone like that can't win against me!"

"I see," Hitsugaya said dodging the multiple attacks absentmindedly. "You must have been abandoned."

That struck close to home, because Yukio's eyes widened for a second. "No!" he shouted, putting the entire power of his teenage angst into it. "I wasn't abandoned! I was the one who abandoned those stupid parents! I chose it myself! You have no right to criticize me!" He took a breath, before boasting. "I transferred all of my father's money to me and destroyed his company! Children can develop amazing abilities if you neglect them. My parents never realized it. Since I left them, I made many great achievements! I finished all 255 levels of Pac-Man. I made over five million points in Tetris! I have level 20 avatars in all MMORPG! I won every worthwhile game ever made! I've collected all special achievement badges! And my stupid father always said I was just wasting time! When I heard he committed suicide I felt so..."

His tirade was interrupted by Hitsugaya hitting him. How did the brat get behind him? Yukio wondered.

"You got lost in your tales of your completely insignificant achievements in stupid childish games and forgot to concentrate," the young captain lectured him. Yukio's blood boiled. How dare the brat lecture him? And how dare he mock his score in Tetris? He had pissed his pants because he couldn't leave his computer to achieve it. He was going to give the stuck-up freak a lecture he wasn't going to forget until he died, which should happen in about two minutes. But as he lifted his arm to give an order to his Fullbring, he realized that both the controls and his fingers were encased in ice. He couldn't move them. He couldn't command his creations anymore.

"What happened?" Hitsugaya asked mockingly. "What about those things set up to find and destroy me?" Yukio could see the swarm heading right for them. "Aren't you going to cancel the order?" Yukio wanted to. But he couldn't because of the ice. He couldn't even dodge because his feet were frozen to the floor. And the wretched shinigami brat stood calmly just behind him, so that the monsters chasing him would go straight through Yukio. And the young gamer couldn't do a thing about it.

"Looks like it's game over."


	126. Hisagi's motorcycle

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Hisagi, Urahara, Hitsugaya, Yachiru, Kurotsuchi Mayuri, Nemu, Kiyone, Sentarou, Yamamoto, Oomaeda, Kira, Unohana, Hinamori, Byakuya, Renji, Iba, Kyouraku, Nanao

**Author's note:** First: sorry for forgetting to ad a spoiler warning to the last chapter. My bad. I'll try not to do it again. While this chapter isn't really a spoiler, it's based on a line from chapter 465.

Second: It feels like yesterday when I thanked you for 500 reviews, and I have already over 600. So thank you very much again.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

Hisagi grinned. His plan was perfect, even if he said so himself. He had done a lot of research and he came to one conclusion: chicks dig bikers. It was a scientifically proven fact. No girl could ever resist a strong, manly man riding his strong, manly machine at top speed. Therefore he decided he needed one too. He already looked manly with his scars and tattoos and bared muscular arms, so if he had a stylish motorcycle, no girl would be able to refuse him. And if he added the bonus of being the only biker in Soul Society, chicks would flock on him from the whole Seireitei. Yes, it was a perfect plan. Now even Rangiku wouldn't be able to say no to him. She was going to smile at him, lean closer and reveal more of her heavenly cleavage and say _Oh, Shuuhei, you're so manly..._ He almost got a nosebleed just from the thought.

But all this would stay just a daydream, if he couldn't obtain a bike and transport it to Soul Society. The second part was easy: Urahara Kisuke was notorious for helping shinigami smuggle a lot of questionable stuff into Seireitei. So now only finding and purchasing the perfect motorcycle remained.

Finding the perfect one wasn't hard, it stood on display in the local store. Buying it was the problem. It cost a lot more than Hisagi could afford. So he had to forget about it and look for something cheaper. It turned up to be more difficult than he imagined. All motorcycles were expensive. Average motorcycles were expensive. Even cheap motorcycles cost more than he had. When he finally found one he could afford, it looked really pitiful. Really not something he would have chosen. It was old and battered and not big or shiny enough. But it was a motorcycle. And by the virtue of being the only motorcycle in Seireitei, its girl-attracting properties should work anyway. Even a one-eyed man would be the king among the blind, wouldn't he?

So he bought the bike, not caring that he wouldn't have enough money for booze for months, and took it to Urahara's. There the shopkeeper helped him get the motorcycle through a special Senkaimon to the Soul Society. Hisagi couldn't shake the feeling that the blond man was laughing at him behind his fan, but he decided to ignore it. He'd have the last laugh when Rangiku would be finally his.

Once in Seireitei, he started with improving his motorbike to look manlier. He couldn't do anything about its technical state, but he could do something about its appearance. It took a lot of paint (because he spilled most of it on his clothes), but his motorcycle was now as shiny as new and covered in manly symbols. Hisagi nodded his head contentedly. It was perfect. Now he could ride out into Seireitei and capture the heart of his fair Rangiku. He almost did so, before realizing something: he had to wash out the paint. No girl would want him if he looked like a clown or worse, Kurotsuchi.

Removing the paint took a lot longer than he expected, it was especially hard to get it out of his hair. But now he was finally ready, he wasted no more time, mounted his motorcycle and rode off to Seireitei. Or he would have, if he knew how to start the thing. Unfortunately he hadn't bought a manual. But Hisagi was a smart man (at least in his own opinion), so he eventually figured it out. The engine under him roared loudly. Hisagi nearly fell off before he remembered that this was supposed to happen and grinned. All the obstacles had been successfully removed. Now nothing more prevented him from winning Rangiku's heart. He rode out into the Seireitei.

It was a small miracle that he found how to change gears on his first try and that he didn't fall off at the first sharp turn. There were few people in the streets at the time of the day and most of them looked at him oddly. _Let them stare, _Hisagi thought. They'd get over their surprise soon and then they'd start to admire him. Well, once he'd get the hang of driving it. He picked up the motorcycle from the ground where it ended up after his attempt to make a sharp turn a bit faster than was advisable and mounted it again.

He steered his bike towards the Tenth Division compound. He wanted Rangiku to see him first. But when he finally arrived there, it wasn't Rangiku who came out to greet him.

"What's that racket?" a young and angry voice called. It was accompanied by a sharp drop of temperature.

"Uh... hello, Hitsugaya-taichou," Hisagi smiled nervously. "Is Matsumoto-fukutaichou here?"

"No," the young captain glared. So Rangiku was out drinking again. "And you didn't answer me. What's the racket about?"

"It's a motorcycle," Hisagi answered. Didn't Hitsugaya know? He had been on several missions in the Living World recently, so he should be able to recognize it.

"I can tell," the white-haired boy growled. "But why do you have it?" Shuuhei thought that 'to woo Rangiku' wasn't an answer Hitsugaya wanted to hear so he wisely remained silent. "It doesn't matter," Hitsugaya said dismissively. "Just get it out of here, it smells awful."

Hisagi wanted to protest, but his sense of self-preservation stopped him. He revved the engine and shot out of there like a bat out of hell. Or tried to. The bike slipped on the ice now covering the ground and crashed into the nearest wall.

"Get that thing away!" Hitsugaya screamed angrily. Hisagi quickly picked up his motorcycle and rode away, this time managing not to skid.

Soon, he attracted the first girl. Unfortunately she wasn't the kind of girl he wanted to attract.

"What's that, Hisa-Hisa?" Yachiru asked, landing on his shoulder and nearly knocking him over.

"Kusajishi-fukutaichou!" Shuuhei exclaimed in shock. "It's a motorcycle."

"Can it fight?" she asked.

"No."

"Than what it's for?" she wanted to know.

"You can ride on it," he explained. He didn't think he should reveal its main purpose as a girl-magnet to a minor.

"But it's so slow," she pointed out jumping down and running alongside the motorcycle easily. "Ken-chan is much faster." Then she started running circles around the motorcycle, still showing no sign of strain. Then she coughed as she breathed in the exhaust gas. "It stinks," she complained before running off.

He reached the Twelfth Division compound. As luck wanted it, Kurotsuchi-taichou and Nemu were standing at the front gate. Mayuri's golden eyes lit up when he noticed Hisagi.

"Oh, a motorcycle!" he almost squealed. "I've been never allowed to bring here one to study it. Nemu, fetch it."

"Yes, Mayuri-sama," the girl nodded and raced after Hisagi. It was all he could do to fight her off. During the brawl, they knocked down a nearby wall. The explosion of colorful flames and colorful smoke indicated that there had been a laboratory on the other side. Kurotsuchi-taichou wasn't going to be happy.

Hisagi quickly rode off towards the Thirteenth Division. There he was intercepted by Kiyone and Sentarou, who accused him that the smoke and foul stench the motorcycle was giving off was worsening Ukitake-taichou's condition. Then they started arguing who should kill Hisagi for it. The first biker in Seireitei decided to make himself scarce before they came to a conclusion or hit him with a stray attack.

"What's that foul stench?" Yamamoto's voice bellowed from the First Division compound. "Who dares to ruin my tea ceremony?" Hisagi raced away.

At the second division he was met by Oomaeda.

"What's that?" the fat lieutenant asked.

"A motorcycle," Shuuhei replied. "Girls love it."

"Tcha," Oomaeda sneered. "Girls love jewels," he said, showing off all the gold he was wearing. "No girl would like something so cheap." Hisagi felt insulted, but the truth was that his motorcycle was indeed cheap. But it wasn't like girls liked Oomaeda's jewelry. And it wasn't like most shinigami could tell his bike was cheap. He rode off to the Third Division. He stopped there to say hello to his friend Kira.

"What is it?" the blond asked, looking tired after a year of managing a division without a captain.

"A motorcycle," Shuuhei answered.

"What? It makes an awful noise. And is that black smoke alright? Is it even legal?"

"Uh..." Hisagi didn't know. He thought motorcycles weren't forbidden, but he wasn't that good with laws. He decided to bid farewell to Kira and ride off before his pessimism could infect him.

"You're disturbing my patients," Unohana smiled as he passed the Fourth Division. Hisagi nearly fell off the motorbike in shock. Then he revved the engine and raced away. He didn't want to see Unohana _smile _that way again.

When he arrived at the Fifth Division, he slowed down. That was where Momo lived. Momo was a nice girl, and after the fiasco with her old captain, she needed somebody to cheer her up. And who knows, maybe she would even start liking him? Sure, she wasn't Rangiku, but she was pretty anyway. But when Hinamori came out of the barracks, her reaction wasn't what Shuuhei had been hoping for.

"What's that?" Hinamori asked angrily.

"A motorcycle," Hisagi answered.

"I can see that," Momo scowled. "I was asking what's that dark line you're making on the ground."

"What line?" Shuuhei asked in confusion.

"This!" Hinamori pointed at the ground behind Hisagi's bike. There indeed was a trail of dark brown drops ending in a dark brown puddle right under the engine. "Something's dripping from that foul thing of yours and it's staining our clean floors! Do you know how much work it takes to keep them so clean? Get that thing away before you make even worse mess!" Seeing the fury in her eyes, he obeyed. Soon he arrived to the Sixth.

"How uncivilized," Kuchiki Byakuya sneered. "Riding something like this means you have no class."

"No girl can possibly like somebody who makes an idiot of himself like this," Renji added.

"And you're dirtying our pristine streets," Byakuya added. Shuuhei escaped towards the Seventh Division before the noble would release his zanpakutou on him. Soon the Seventh Division barracks came into view and with them the Seventh Division lieutenant.

"Get that thing away!" Iba Tetsuzaemon shouted. "Captain has a sensitive nose! That smoke is making him sneeze!" He looked ready to slice the motorcycle and his rider to pieces with his shikai, so Hisagi quickly rode away. He arrived at the Eighth Division.

"What's that?" Kyouraku asked.

"That's a motorcycle. Girls in the Living World love it." Abarai was a moron for claiming otherwise.

"Girls love it?" Shunsui looked contemplative. "Do you think Nanao-chan would love me if I got one?"

"No," Ise-fukutaichou suddenly appeared and smacked Kyouraku on the head with her book. "Get back to your paperwork. And you," she looked at Hisagi, making her glasses reflect the light into his eyes, "get lost."

"Yes," Hisagi nodded and rode away, heading for his home. But before he reached the Ninth Division barracks, the motorcycle suddenly stopped and wouldn't start again no matter what he did.

Then he got a Hell Butterfly telling him to come to the First Division Office. There Yamamoto-soutaichou gave him a thorough dressing down for disturbing the peace in Seireitei, ordered him to personally scrub all the floors covered in motor oil and forbid the use of motorcycles in Seireitei.

Hisagi dragged himself home, completely disheartened by the fiasco. His new motorcycle broke down, he was in trouble and he didn't get the chance to impress Rangiku. He wanted a drink, but then he remembered that he had spent all his money on the motorcycle, which was now a useless heap of junk. As he dragged himself through the corridors of the Ninth Division compound, he ran across one of the girls from the publishing department.

"Hisagi-fukutaichou!" she called cheerfully.

"What is it?" he asked wearily. Usually he'd be glad to meet a girl so happy to see him, but today he was too depressed for that.

"I just wanted to tell you that we have a great cover story for the next issue!"

Then she showed him the proposed front page of Seireitei Communication. Hisagi froze. There, in vivid colors, was the picture of him falling from his motorbike, accompanied by the title **'Hisagi's disastrous ride.'**

"You're famous!" the girl announced merrily. "There are plenty of pictures there and a detailed description of your ride!"

"You can't publish this!" he shouted in horror. If Rangiku saw that, she'd laugh at him and tease him for all eternity!

"Oh?" the girl looked downtrodden. "But it's already in print."


	127. Hitsugaya's school uniform

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Rukia, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Renji

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

"What's this?" Hitsugaya asked, staring at the offending garment.

"That's a school uniform," Matsumoto answered cheerfully. "You have to wear it to Ichigo's school."

"I know that," the young captain replied, barely keeping his temper in check. "But why is it a girl's uniform?"

"I'm sorry, taichou, but we couldn't find a boy's uniform that was small enough," his lieutenant explained, still smiling innocently.

"Matsumoto," Hitsugaya sighed, trying to ignore Abarai, Madarame and Ayasegawa snickering in the background, "you had two days to prepare this mission. That's enough time to sew a new school uniform. So why am I presented with a girl's one?"

"Sorry, taichou, there was just so many vital things to prepare for this mission I put off the issue of clothes to the last moment," the busty blonde apologized.

"You were drinking and packing your make-up," the white-haired boy translated. "And since when you put off the issue of clothes? Usually it's the first thing you're interested in."

"But the uniforms are so boring," she pouted.

"You did it on purpose," Hitsugaya accused.

"Me?" Rangiku looked like innocence personified.

"I don't want to interrupt, but we should get going if we don't want to be late," Rukia said.

"That's right, taichou!" Matsumoto exclaimed. "Get dressed and let's go."

"No," Hitsugaya stated.

"But we have to go," Rangiku insisted.

"I'm not cross-dressing. I can't appear at school in drag."

"Don't be so stiff," Matsumoto prompted. "You'll look great in this. Nobody will be able to tell you're a boy we can call you Toshiko or Toshie or Toshimi or..."

"Enough!" Hitsugaya shouted. "I'm not putting this on and that's final!"

"Didn't you wear a girl's uniform at the Academy once?" Rangiku remembered something she had heard from Momo.

"That was different!" Hitsugaya sputtered, to the great amusement of everybody present. "Academy uniforms differ only in color, this thing has a skirt!"

"But we really have to go now," Kuchikiui insisted.

"Then I'll just go in my ordinary clothes," Toushirou decided.

"You can't do that at school," Rukia objected.

"Then I'll go without my gigai."

"But there are spiritually aware people there," Kuchiki informed him.

"Then just go alone," the captain said. "There's no need for us all to be there."

"Captain," Matsumoto said slowly, "you'd really let them go alone?"

"Yes." He didn't understand why his no-good lieutenant was questioning his decision.

"Are you sure?" she questioned. "Just imagine it. Eleventh Division's moron Ikkaku."

"I'm not a moron!" the bald man protested. Matsumoto ignored him.

"Eleventh Division's moron Yumichika."

"Don't call me that! It isn't beautiful!"

"Eleventh Division moron Renji," she continued.

"I'm in the Sixth!" the redhead protested.

"You didn't deny being a moron, you moron," Rukia muttered.

"And moron Ichigo," Matsumoto concluded her list of morons. "All locked together in a room full of innocent defenseless children with no supervision. Are you sure you want to allow it?"

Matsumoto watched with glee as a look of horrified realization dawned on Hitsugaya.

"Damn you all," he said, reaching for the girl's uniform. "I'm so going to kill you all for this."


	128. Zanpakutou rebellion

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: zanpakutou spirits

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

**Zanpakutou rebellion**

Muramasa looked at the crowd gathered in the cave. The liberated zanpakutou spirits of all the powerful and noteworthy shinigami were gathered here. Everything was set for the great zanpakutou rebellion. Now it needed just a good motivational speech and they could begin.

"Welcome, everybody," he said. "The time of shinigami's rule is over. Now we can finally break their oppression and take our rightful place as rulers of the Soul Society."

"Yes!" Haineko punched the air. "My shinigami is the worst. She's an old hag and she still thinks she's sexy. It's disgusting."

"You call that bad?" Gegetsuburi asked. "My shinigami is a lazy stupid fat slob and he thinks he's handsome! Thanks to him I have to look like this!"

"Our never plays with us anymore," Sougyou no Kotowari whined. "He always says he's sick."

"My shinigami is a disgusting drunken womanizer," Katen Kyoukotsu said derogatorily. "He even flirts with me!"

"Mine is so sissy," Senbonzakura complained. "What self-respecting male has flowers for his zanpakutou?"

"Mine?" Katen Kyoukotsu said.

"You call that a problem?" Tobiume scoffed. "My shinigami is so childish and naive she trusts everybody! And she doesn't get that she shouldn't trust them even after they stab her! It nearly got us both killed so many times!"

"Tell me about it," Suzumebachi complained. "Mine is like 'Yoruichi-sama! Yoruichi-sama!' all the time! She can't do anything without thinking of her precious Yoruichi-sama! And she doesn't even want to use my Bankai! She's ashamed of it! That's just so unfair! I want to blow things up!"

"Mine doesn't use my Bankai too!" Houzukimaru added. "He rather loses a fight than use it!"

"At least he uses your shikai," Kazeshini said. "But that idiot of mine doesn't want to use even that! He's scared of me, that pathetic coward!"

"That's still not as bad as mine," Sode no Shirayuki said. "She doesn't use my power! She rather gave me away than use me! Can you believe that?"

"That's still nothing," Ruri'iro Kuujaku stated. "Not only my shinigami doesn't use my real power, he's ashamed of me, that barbarian! How can anybody be ashamed of somebody so beautiful? He doesn't even call me by my real name! He uses that abominable nickname all the time!"

"At least your shinigami is somebody important," Gonryoumaru said. "Most people have no idea who my shinigami is!"

"And who is it?" Tobiume asked.

"Sasakibe-fukutaichou."

"Who?" Gonryoumaru sighed. This was going to be hard.

"It doesn't matter," he said finally. "I'm going to become famous. I don't care about the loser."

"Our shinigami is worse," Zabimaru-Chimpette said. "He's completely pathetic. We gave him Bankai and he still loses most of his fights."

"We're stronger than that!" Zabimaru-Snakey added.

"Mine lost his only real fight lately too," Gonryoumaru said. "That's worse."

"Mine is worse," Tobiume stated. "She doesn't even get to fight. She just gets stabbed and looks surprised."

"Mine's the worst," Wabisuke said. "He's a miserable wretch, always crying and wallowing in his pain."

"Mine's the worst," Kazeshini said. "Pathetic coward."

"Mine's the worst!" Haineko complained. "Always drunk!"

"Mine's the worst!"

"Mine's the worst!"

"Mine's the worst!"

"Mine's the worst!"

Muramasa watched as the gathering, previously united in their hate of the shinigami, quickly dissolved into a brawl over who has the worst wielder. He sighed. He hoped Kouga would appreciate everything he did for him.


	129. Hinamori's logic

Genre: Humor/Friendship

Rating: K+

Characters: Hitsugaya, Hinamori

WARNING: Hinamori fans, don't read this.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

"You don't have to worry about me, Shiro-chan," Hinamori stated.

"It's Hitsugaya-taichou," Toushirou grumbled, but Momo ignored him.

"I can take care of myself."

"You can't," the young captain disagreed.

"I know I might not be as strong as you, Shiro-chan," Hinamori began.

"Hitsugaya-taichou," her friend corrected, but was ignored once again.

"...but I can take care of myself. I'm a lieutenant!" she insisted.

"Only because Aizen wanted somebody blind and obedient," Hitsugaya pointed out.

"That's not true!" Momo protested, her cheeks flushed. Toushirou jabbed at a raw wound. "I passed the lieutenant's test just like everybody else!"

"Just barely and because of your Kidou scores," the boy reminded her.

"But I passed," she insisted. "And I got a lot better since then."

"Well, that might be true," Hitsugaya admitted, "but that doesn't mean you can take care of yourself. You're too naive."

"I'm not!" Hinamori protested.

"Yes, you are," the captain insisted. "You believed everything Aizen told you. He couldn't do any wrong in your eyes."

"Everybody trusted Aizen!" Momo pointed out. "You too!"

"But you were with him the most! You had the best chance to notice something!" Hitsugaya protested.

"But there was nothing to notice! Aizen-taichou was perfect!" the girl protested.

"Well, he was pretty good at fooling everybody," Toushirou admitted, "but there are plenty of other occasions when you acted like a moron."

"Really? When?" Hinamori challenged him.

"First: you almost attacked Kuchiki-taichou when he arrested Abarai-fukutaichou."

"He refused to have his injuries healed!" Momo shouted. "That was beyond nasty!"

"I know, but what were you thinking, attacking a captain?" Hitsugaya scolded her. "He'd make minced meat of you before you noticed what happened."

"I was just so angry!"

"You should have better control of your emotions," the white-haired boy chastised.

"So what about you?" Momo shot back. "I heard how you charged Aizen. You completely snapped!"

"That was different!" Hitsugaya protested.

"Just how?" Hinamori questioned. "You attacked a clearly superior opponent without thinking."

"I couldn't think after he made me stab you," the young captain admitted.

"You should have better control of your emotions, Hitsugaya-taichou," the lieutenant gloated. Toushirou blushed furiously.

"That happened only once," he said, trying to preserve his dignity. "But you went and attacked a captain again the next morning. And Ichimaru of all people. He'd relish slicing you into pieces."

"Aizen-taichou was dead! I couldn't think!" the girl explained.

"It happens to you often," Hitsugaya pointed out. "What made you jump at Ichimaru?"

"You warned me about him," Hinamori reminded him. "I trusted you. Who can I trust if not you?"

"I told you to be wary of him," the Tenth Division captain corrected. "I didn't tell you to attack him. In fact, beware of someone means don't attack him, because he's dangerous."

"But he killed Aizen-taichou!"

"Aizen wasn't dead," the boy reminded her.

"Oh, I forgot," Hinamori slapped her forehead. "But I didn't know it then!"

"But you should have known that Ichimaru was stronger than you!" Hitsugaya scolded.

"And you should have known that Aizen was stronger than you," Hinamori retorted. "And you attacked him blindly. Twice."

"I didn't know what he could do the first time," the youth explained.

"So what's your excuse for the second time?" Momo pressed for an answer.

"Uh..."

"Hah!" Hinamori gloated. "You're just as bad as me."

"Moving on." Hitsugaya refused to dwell on the matter any longer. They were discussing Momo's faults, not his. "The next evening you attacked me because of Aizen's letter. That's the third captain you attacked in as many days."

"But Aizen-taichou said you killed him! Who could I trust if not him?"

"Didn't you say you trusted me just a while ago?" Hitsugaya reminded her.

"But that was Aizen-taichou saying it!" Hinamori exclaimed. "Of course I trusted him." Hitsugaya just rolled his eyes.

"Then what about the time in the Central 46?" he inquired. "You followed Ichimaru into an unknown territory."

"Why wouldn't I?" she questioned. "He said he had something he wanted to show me."

"You suspected him of Aizen's murder just a couple of days ago," Hitsugaya reminded her.

"But Aizen-taichou's letter explained that it wasn't him," Momo pointed out.

"And you always believe Aizen-taichou," Toushirou muttered sarcastically.

"Of course," Hinamori said, completely missing the sarcasm.

"And then Aizen appears and you runt to him and hug him like nothing was wrong."

"Aizen-taichou was there so nothing was wrong," Momo stated.

"You saw him dead and then you saw him alive. Didn't you think it was a bit strange?" the young captain questioned.

"I was sure Aizen-taichou had an explanation," the girl stated confidently. "So I didn't worry."

"And then he stabbed you," Hitsugaya said.

"I'm sure he had a reason," Hinamori stated with conviction.

"And the first thing you do after you wake up is plead for his life."

"Of course," she nodded. "Aizen-taichou is a good man. He wouldn't do anything bad. Ichimaru must have made him."

"Ichimaru was a lot weaker than Aizen. He couldn't make him do anything," Hitsugaya pointed out.

"Ichimaru's a real evil man," Hinamori shuddered. "I never trusted him."

"You trusted him enough to follow him into the Central 46," Toushirou reminded her.

"Why wouldn't I trust him?" the lieutenant questioned. "He used to be Aizen's lieutenant once. Aizen-taichou wouldn't have a lieutenant that was evil."

"You're contradicting yourself," the young captain pointed out.

"I am?" Momo looked confused. Hitsugaya decided to move onto the next topic before he got a headache.

"And then there's the last battle. When, how and why did you switch places with Aizen?"

"When he told me to," she answered.

"So why did you just stand there when everybody attacked you?"

"Aizen-taichou told me to," Hinamori repeated. "He said nothing bad would happen to me."

"You almost died!" Hitsugaya shouted.

"But I survived," she pointed out.

"Not thanks to Aizen," Hitsugaya muttered.

"He said I'll be alright and I am."

"You're making no sense," Toushirou complained. "How could you still trust Aizen after everything? Didn't you come to the battle to fight him?"

"Of course not!" Hinamori laughed at the notion. "I came to see Aizen-taichou again!"


	130. Aizen's blunder

Genre: Mystery/Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Aizen, Unohana

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

"Allow me to compliment you, Unohana-taichou," Aizen said. "Because you spent the longest time during the inspection while under Complete Hypnosis, you did a splendid job in being able to notice something odd about my corpse."

"No, it was actually very easy," the healer captain informed him.

"How so?" The bespectacled traitor raised an eyebrow. He was doing his best to hide it, but Unohana's tone made him feel like a schoolboy who just got an F on his latest test. It made him think that he did something really, really wrong while creating the illusion. Not that it mattered now, but he was going to be God. He was supposed to be perfect.

Unohana strengthened this feeling when she looked at him like a schoolteacher would look at a child who couldn't answer any of her questions correctly. It made Aizen tense in anticipation of her answer.

"A certain part of your anatomy was suddenly bigger than it used to be."


	131. Kitchen

Genre: Drama/Humor/Friendship

Rating: K+

Characters: Ichigo, Tatsuki

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

"So Ichigo," Tatsuki said to her classmate. "I've heard what you've been up to." It was the first time the redhead came to school after the battle with Aizen and he was happy to catch up with his friends. But this was one conversation he'd rather not have.

"That's in the past," he said. He meant it. He had no powers anymore. He hadn't seen a single ghost on his way to school. He could finally lead the normal life he had yearned for. He didn't like to be reminded of his old one.

"You can't just forget what happened," Tatsuki stated. "Even if it isn't going to happen again, it changed everybody."

"Hmmmm." Ichigo really didn't like to think about it. It reminded him that his friends had the powers he had helped them achieve. Not that it bothered him or something. He was happy the way he was.

"I'm worried about Orihime," Arisawa said. "Everything that happened hit her hard."

"She's back safely, isn't she?" They had tackled Hueco Mundo to get her back. It was alright now.

"That isn't the same as being alright, dummy," Tatsuki scolded him. "Didn't you consider the psychological impact? Are you really so insensitive?"

"Uh..." He was always nice to Inoue, wasn't he? So what was Tatsuki's problem?

"I guess you are," the martial artist sighed. "Otherwise you lot wouldn't treat Orihime as bad as you did."

"What do you mean?" He stormed Las Noches for Orihime. How could Tatsuki say he didn't treat her well?

"All of you were stomping on her confidence all the time," Arisawa explained. "Ishida started it. He never let her take part in a fight. Then Urahara forbid her from helping you. Do you have any idea what it did to her self-esteem? Orihime is strong. I saw her completely destroy the Hollow. So why did you all do everything in your power to convince her she was weak? Do you think she would have gone with Ulquiorra if she just trusted herself a bit more?"

"Huh..." Ichigo had never thought about it like that. To tell the truth, he didn't even know some of these events occurred.

"So what about you, Ichigo?" Tatsuki questioned. "Orihime never said anything bad about you, but she would never do that. So did you tell her to stay in the kitchen too?"

"Of course not!" Kurosaki protested. "I know better than let her anywhere near a kitchen!"


	132. Interview with Ichigo

Genre: Humor/Angst

Rating: K+

Characters: Kon, Ichigo

Author's note: Inspired by Omake of episode 342. Spoilers for the Deicide Arc onwards, in case somebody is that behind.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

**Radio Kon**

"Hello, dear listeners, this is Kon-sama speaking," the plush toy announced boisterously. "Welcome to Radio Kon! Today's guest is the famous Kurosaki Ichigo. Well, not as famous as me, but still pretty famous. So, Ichigo, say hello to our listeners."

"Hello." The redhead tried to sound happy, but he failed. Mostly because he didn't feel happy. He had been in the studio for whole two minutes and he was already questioning his judgment in coming here.

"So, Ichigo, how are you?"

"Well."

"You're not feeling very talkative today, are you?" Kon questioned.

"Not really," Ichigo answered.

"All our listeners are interested in hearing you speak, not as much as they want to hear me, but still. You have to tell them something."

"I know." He just didn't know what he should tell them. His life was his private thing. He didn't want to tell everybody about it. He really shouldn't have come here.

"So what about you tell them about your battles?" the modsoul suggested. "Against Aizen, the Espada, Hollows and so?"

"I don't want to talk about it." His jaw clenched. Why did the moron had to bring this up? That was a closed chapter of his life.

"Then what about your attack on Soul Society?" That blasted thing really couldn't get the hint.

"I said I don't want to talk about it. That's long gone."

"You're seriously boring our listeners, Ichigo," Kon sighed. "You have to tell them something. Everybody is interested in your life as shinigami."

"But I'm not a shinigami anymore. And I'm happy this way." The plushy should better get it now or Ichigo was going to feed him his stuffing.

"Really?" the modsoul questioned.

"Really," Kurosaki stated. "I'm enjoying my high school life."

"Then tell us about your high school life," Kon prompted. "How do you enjoy it? What about the girls?"

"Pervert." Seriously, couldn't he think about something that wasn't girls?

"Hey, I asked an honest question," the stuffed lion said. "What's there to enjoy in high school if not girls?"

"High school life."

"And what's so great about high school life if not high school girls?" the modsoul questioned.

"I finally participated in the sports festival," Ichigo answered. "I missed it in my first year because I was... elsewhere."

"So was it good?" Kon asked. He would have rather talked about girls, but at least now Ichigo was finally cooperating and giving the promised interview.

"It was raining."

"That doesn't sound very good. What about something else?"

"We had a nice school trip," Kurosaki said.

"Where did you go?" the interviewer inquired.

"To the beach."

"Girls in swimsuits!" Hearts appeared in Kon's eyes.

"Pervert." Seriously, the thing thought nothing but girls. The thing in question sighed. He could tell that Ichigo's patience was running low and one wrong word might leave him in need of Ishida's sewing skills. He didn't want to be left at the Quincy's dubious mercy again. Last time it earned him a cross on the back of his head. Who knows what would happen now?

"So did you at least enjoy swimming?" That was a safe question, wasn't it?

"No," Ichigo sighed. "My luggage got lost on the way there."

"But at least you saw Orihime in a swimsuit." That should snap the redhead out of his funk.

"I told you to stop this you perverted toy," Kurosaki glared.

"I'm a lion!" Kon protested. "So how are you going on with Orihime lately?"

"Okay."

"What about your other friends? Tatsuki? Chad? Ishida?"

"We're getting along well."

"Hey, Ichigo, you don't sound happy," the modsoul observed. "Are you sure you're enjoying the normal life?"

"Yes," the teenager insisted.

"Are you sure?" Kon questioned.

"Yes," Ichigo repeated. "Why wouldn't I be?" Kon gave up. This was hopeless. Time to end it.

_-sigh- _"Dear listeners, this is the end of our interview with Kurosaki Ichigo. Next time we're going to talk to somebody who is more fun and isn't so deep in denial."

"Hey! What denial?"


	133. Beauty under fire

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Ikkaku, Yumichika

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

"Can I say 'I told you so' now?" Ikkaku asked, barely holding back his laughter.

"No," Yumichika snapped. His pride was bruised enough without his bald friend adding insult to injury.

"But I told you so," said sorry excuse for a friend gloated.

"Shut up," Ayasegawa pouted. "Saying 'I told you so' isn't beautiful."

"While you are sooo beautiful now," Ikkaku drawled.

"Shut up," the proud narcissist repeated in a dangerous tone. It would send lesser men tremble. Ikkaku ignored it merrily.

"Really, Yumichika, if you weren't so obsessed with your beauty, you wouldn't be in this predicament now."

"Obsessed?" the Fifth Seat raised one charred eyebrow. "I am beautiful. What's not to be obsessed about?" Ikkaku just shook his head. He knew there was no reasoning with his narcissistic friend, at least not on this matter.

"But really, what kind of idea it was, wearing those eye decorations?" he questioned.

"I looked stunning with them," Yumichika stated.

"Too bad it didn't last," Madarame remarked.

"Stupid Hollow," Ayasegawa growled, recalling the incident that had tarnished his beauty so. "How dare it use fire against me?"

"It's a Hollow," the Third Seat shrugged. "And you have to admit, it was damn effective. I'd never thought that such a weakling would send you running. But seeing you hopping around like a headless chicken, screaming like a girl, trying to smother the flames on your feathers and then your hair was one of the funniest things I've ever seen."

"Shut up!" Yumichika wailed. "It was the worst thing to ever happen to me! My beautiful hair! It's gone! And my face is full of blisters!"

"Don't be so melodramatic," Ikkaku rolled his eyes. "Unohana says you'll heal with no scaring. And your hair will grow back. Eventually."

"I wouldn't survive if I had scars on my beautiful face," the Fifth Seat stated.

"So you agree that the eye ornaments were a stupid idea now?"

"No!" the burnt man declared. "I look stunning with them!"

"What?" Ikkaku made a show of cleaning his ear theatrically. "Don't tell me you want to put them on again and risk a repeat of this?"

"Of course not," Yumichika looked at him as if he was stupid. "I'm getting non-flammable ones."

* * *

Author's note: There's a picture of this on my Deviant Art account. You can find the link on my author profile page.


	134. Heat Wave

Genre: Humor/Crack

Rating: T

Characters: captains

Author's note: Companion piece to my picture Heat wave you can find on my DeviantArt profile. Link is on my author profile page.

Author's note2: I started a new collection of Bleach oneshots, because this one is oriented on funny ones. If you are interested in action or drama short stories, check it out.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

It was hot. It was unbearably hot. It was so hot that nobody had the energy to do anything; even the most hardworking people preferred to lie in the shadows instead of doing some work. And in the middle of this heat wave that was crippling Seireitei, Yamamoto decided to call a captains' meeting. Everybody cursed him silently for it, but he was the general so they had no choice but to go.

Everybody gathered in the meeting hall, which was somehow even hotter than outside. It had seemed impossible before they walked in, but it was so. Everybody hoped that this meeting would be over soon and they could return to their shadows and pools.

Then Yamamoto finally showed up, looking the same as ever. He showed no sign of discomfort in the stifling heat and there wasn't a single drop of sweat anywhere. _How does he do it? _some of the captains wondered. Then Yamamoto sat on his chair and tapped his cane on the floor, signaling that the meeting had started.

Yamamoto spoke in his raspy voice. After fifteen minutes of babbling, he finally got to the point. It was a record for him.

"I am disappointed in you. Lately your performance in all aspects of your duties went down. What's wrong with you?"

"You can't seriously expect us to work in this heat, Yama-jii," Kyouraku said.

"Forcing us to labor in such conditions is against Justice," Tousen added.

"Heat? What heat?" Yamamoto questioned. He hadn't noticed any heat.

"This heat," Ukitake said. "It's really terrible, Genryuusai-sensei. I can barely breathe." He proved the truth in his last statement by bursting into violent coughs.

"Ukitake has an excuse, being ill, but what about the rest of you?" the wizened general thundered. "Are you all so wimpy you claim you can't move with heat the moment it stops freezing?"

"It didn't freeze for the last five months," Kurotsuchi corrected. "The current temperature is 48C in the shadows."

"That's no heat," Yamamoto stated.

"The temperature in this room is 67C," Kurotsuchi added.

"That's a nice, comfortable environment," the bearded warrior insisted. Several people groaned quietly.

"Only you can say that, Yama-jii," Shunsui muttered.

"What do you mean?" the soutaichou questioned.

"You're a fire-elemental," the Eighth Division captain explained. "You're resistant to heat. We aren't so lucky.

"Hmph," Yamamoto snorted. "Young people today can't stand a bit of discomfort. When I was young..."

"Dinosaurs roamed the earth."

"Who said that?" the ancient general asked, opening his eyes. He immediately regretted it and closed them, but he couldn't forget what he had seen in the moment his eyes were open. "What are you wearing?" he groaned.

"The approved uniform for the leader of the Punishment Corps," Soifon answered.

"This is an approved uniform?" Yamamoto questioned. "It's too revealing."

"Well, I removed the gloves, but otherwise it is the uniform you approved of when Shihouin Yoruichi suggested it almost two hundred years ago." Yamamoto made a mental note to look at the forms he was signing next time. If he had enough time, he might even read them.

"This is a captains' meeting," he reminded her. "Wear your haori."

"I am wearing my haori," Ichimaru smirked smugly.

"You're wearing only your haori," the soutaichou said.

"So?" Ichimaru shrugged. "Haori makes the captain." He looked completely unconcerned, smiling merrily like nothing bothered him, probably because he really didn't have a care in the world. Yamamoto sighed. Trying to make Ichimaru behave was a lost cause. He could always kill him, but then he'd have to replace him and replacement captains were hard to find. He decided to move on to the next person.

"Your uniform seems to be in disarray, Unohana-taichou," he said.

Unohana's current outfit closely resembled Matsumoto's. It shocked most people here. But when they gaped, Unohana just smiled at them and they didn't dare to comment on it. Not even Kyouraku was so bold. And Unohana smiled even now.

"I think my uniform is alright. Or is there a problem with it?"

"No," Yamamoto shook his head and moved on to the next person.

Aizen's wavy hair clung to his head as if he had slicked them back with grease. And his glasses were covered in perspiration. He couldn't see anything through them. He considered removing them, but decided against it. He wanted to save that look for when he'd finally leave Soul Society. But to Yamamoto's eyes his uniform was alright.

"I see Aizen-taichou is the example of the perfect captain," he remarked. Aizen smiled smugly.

"Thank you," he said. Yamamoto moved to the next one in line.

Byakuya looked less perfect than usual. He was wearing everything like he used to, but it was soaked with sweat now. His usually shiny hair was now dank with sweat and hanging limply around his face. He had survived most of the day by having servants with fans and cool drinks follow him everywhere, but they weren't permitted into the captains' meeting hall, so the aristocrat had to suffer just as the common folks. Or more than then, because they didn't wear scarves in summer. But his uniform was alright, so Yamamoto had no reason to criticize him. Yet the fact that Kuchiki-taichou didn't look perfect required notice.

"I see even you have trouble maintaining your appearance."

"My servants weren't permitted in here," the nobleman said as if some grave insult had been wrought upon him.

"You know this room is captains-only," the general reminded him before moving on the next person, or rather animal.

Komamura for once wasn't wearing his helmet and his tongue was hanging from his open mouth, reaching nearly to his waist. It was a tribute to how exhausted was everybody by the heat that they weren't bothered by it.

"Don't pant," Yamamoto scowled at him. "It's undignified."

"I _–pant- _can't _–pant- _help _–pant- _it, _-pant- _I'm _–pant- _ a _–pant- _ dog, _–pant- _I _–pant- _ don't _–pant- _have _–pant- _ sweat _–pant- _glands," the Seventh Division captain panted.

"Uh, well, but you don't have to pant so loud," the soutaichou said before turning his attention to the next one in line. And scowled even harder than he already did.

"You're just as bad as Ichimaru, Shunsui."

Kyouraku was still wearing his straw hat and his ridiculous pink haori. He wore his official captain's haori under it too. But under it there was only his underwear. Thankfully there was at least that, unlike in case of Ichimaru.

"Hey, at least I'm wearing my underwear," the notorious womanizer said in his defense.

"That makes it worse! Honestly, pink heart pattern?"

"Shows what kind of lover I am," Kyouraku grinned. Yamamoto decided that if his student hadn't changed in two thousand years, he wasn't going to change today, and turned to Tousen.

Tousen's glasses were white with perspiration too, but he didn't mind. He couldn't see anyway.

"I see your uniform is as it should be," Yamamoto stated. If it just wasn't so soaked in sweat.

"Wearing anything else is against Justice," the dark-skinned shinigami stated. Yamamoto didn't want to hear more about Justice and turned his attention to the next one in line.

Hitsugaya insisted on wearing a proper uniform. He probably shouldn't have, because he was drenched in sweat, worse than any other captain, and he looked dizzy.

"I commend you on wearing the proper uniform, but you should pay attention during meetings," the general thundered. Hitsugaya didn't react. He kept staring blankly ahead, showing no sign that he had heard. "Answer me when I'm talking to you!" Still nothing. Kyouraku nudged his young colleague with his elbow. Hitsugaya seemed to snap awake and he looked frantically around. When he saw that he was the center of attention, he said: "It's a good idea," and returned to staring at nothing. That caused several captains to laugh, but Hitsugaya didn't react.

"I think he might be heat-sick," Unohana said. "I should examine him."

"No," Yamamoto shook his head. "He's a captain. He can take a little discomfort." Then he turned to the next in line.

Kenpachi wasn't wearing anything from the waist up, except his eyepatch and bells, and he looked ready to challenge everybody who called him on it. Nobody did. They hated even moving in this heat, much less fighting.

"You aren't wearing your uniform, Zaraki," Yamamoto scowled.

"So what?" the scarred man shrugged. "Are you gonna make me? You're welcome to try. I didn't have a good fight today yet. All the pansies dropped from the heat." The old general saw that there was no reasoning with Kenpachi and turned to the next person.

Kurotsuchi looked perfectly okay. He probably had air conditioning built into his outfit on his body. Nobody wanted to know.

"I don't feel any discomfort," the Twelfth Division captain said. "I modified my body to withstand high temperatures as soon as the weather forecast revealed the approaching heat wave." His voice revealed his contempt for everybody who couldn't do the same. Several people looked sick. They really didn't want to know what Kurotsuchi did to himself. Yamamoto didn't want to know the details either, so he turned to the last of the captains.

Ukitake looked as if he was just having one of his attacks. That made Yamamoto frown. His favorite student should know better than to exert himself this way.

"You're sick. Why aren't you in bed?"

"I'm not sick," Ukitake insisted.

"You are. I can see it. Go to your quarters."

"I can take it," the sickly captain said. "If little Shiro-chan can stand this, then so can I." Yamamoto couldn't stand when somebody argued with him, even if it was his favorite student.

"Go to bed," he ordered, raising his reiatsu in anger. The temperature in the room skyrocketed. There was a moment of quiet interrupted by a loud thud, as Hitsugaya fainted.

"I told you so!" Unohana shouted victoriously. "The little one has heatstroke. He shouldn't have been here."

"Tsk." Kurotsuchi expressed his opinion on everybody who could be defeated by something as mundane as heat.

"Just give him some icepack," Yamamoto said dismissively, not wanting to admit he had been wrong in not listening to Unohana's concern. "Somebody here can make ice, right?" He wasn't sure. His memory wasn't what it used to be.

"That would be lil Shiro-chan," Ichimaru supplied. "But since ta kid's out of it, he has a problem," he added and grinned happily.


	135. Cuteness

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Rukia, Riruka

**WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE LOST AGENT ARC.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

Rukia cursed her fate. At first, the day had seemed good. She saw Ichigo again, restored his powers so he could see her again too. The redhead had been feeling a bit down, so she had kicked some sense into him. It had worked, just as every time. And then it was the time to fight the bunch of no-good miscreants who had hurt her Ichigo. She got paired with a pigtailed girl. At first, her opponent hadn't seemed like much. Then the actual battle had begun.

There was just so much cuteness around! Stuffed animals everywhere, ganging on her. She couldn't cut them. It would be like cutting Chappy: unforgivable. In fact, she was sure she had caught sight of a stuffed rabbit somewhere in the melee. She couldn't fight them. She just couldn't. She hugged them instead. She knew that the other shinigami would tease about this if they knew, but the sheer amount of cuteness everywhere was irresistible.

And then Riruka herself appeared. Rukia finally saw something that wasn't too cute for her to cut. She wanted to fight the girl, but the pigtailed Fullbringer kept firing cute things at her. She just couldn't cut them. Well, except that ugly wardrobe. How could anyone consider that monstrosity cute? Rukia couldn't understand.

And sometime in the confusion Riruka did something to her. Rukia didn't understand what it was, but she understood that she got turned into a cute plushy herself. She couldn't hold her zanpakutou, because she had no fingers. She couldn't fire Kidou, because it exploded inside the stuffed toy she had become. She could only run. And running on short, thick, stuffed legs wasn't easy. Rukia wondered how Kon could do it with such ease. If that moron could do it, then she could too, couldn't she? But Kon was a modsoul made for running and she wasn't. She was slow and tiring quickly.

_I can't lose like this! _Rukia thought. She was the lieutenant of the Thirteenth Division now. She should have been able to defeat some human girl with one hand tied behind her back. But there was just so much cuteness! Unfortunately, if the other shinigami learned about it, she would become the laughing stock of the Gotei 13. They would say that she had been made a lieutenant thanks to her brother's influence when in fact it had been only Byakuya's intervention that had prevented her from becoming a lieutenant years ago.

Her strength finally ran out and Riruka caught up with her. Rukia could only sit and pant helplessly as the pigtailed cute girl stood above her, aiming her love gun at her and gloating.

"And now I'm going to finish you off," Riruka declared and put her gun under Rukia's nose. Rukia could only wait helplessly for the shot to come.

After a second, it didn't come.

After ten seconds, it didn't come.

After a minute, it still didn't come.

After two minutes Riruka threw up her arms, discarding her weapon. "I just can't do it!" she shouted and scooped the stupefied Rukia into her arms. "You're just too cute!"


	136. Doctors' workload

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Isshin, Ryuuken

Author's note: Based on the omake of episode 345. That conversation should have been longer.

**WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE LOST AGENT ARC.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

Ryuuken found it hard not to take out his bow and shoot his visitor. Why did that elder Kurosaki ape have to come and ruin his moment every single time? The Quincy Diaries aired again after so long time and that miserable shinigami had to show up and steal his spotlight.

"Don't you have work to do? You're a doctor too. And we saw you treating a patient only once in the whole series," Ryuuken said accusatorily.

"And what about you?" Isshin retorted. "You treated only one patient onscreen too."

"I treat a lot of patients off-screen," Ryuuken stated. Sure everybody understood this, didn't they?

"Yet we always see you pushing papers around," the exiled shinigami captain pointed out.

"And you're always seen making an idiot of yourself," the white-haired man shot back.

"I'm spending quality time with my family!" Isshin protested. "But you wouldn't understand, seeing as your family is a dysfunctional one."

"My family is perfectly fine!" Ryuuken's patience was hanging on a thread.

"Really?" Isshin raised an eyebrow. "Your only son refuses to call you 'father.' What's not dysfunctional about this?"

"He'll come around," Ishida senior said. "Once he realizes all I did for him."

"Like what?"

"I healed him when he was attacked."

"You know Orihime could do it better," Isshin pointed out.

"I couldn't allow that!" Ryuuken said. "The first patient I healed onscreen in ten years! I couldn't let her undo my work!"

"So you let your son suffer," Isshin stated.

"It was educational," the Quincy stated. "The pain would teach him not to get in trouble next time."

"Yeah, right," the shinigami rolled his eyes. "Like that would ever work. And besides, treating him was your duty as a doctor. You have yet to name one thing that makes you look like a good father."

"I saved him from a Hollow restored his Quincy powers."

"After humiliating and torturing him for days," Isshin reminded him.

"It was the only way," Ryuuken shrugged. His companion didn't have to know that he had enjoyed it.

"Speaking of which, when you're so busy doctor, when did you get the time to train with him?"

"Isshin, shut up." Ryuuken's patience with the shinigami had just run out.

"You know, this is no argument," Isshin pointed out. Ryuuken drew his bow.

"Then what about this?"

"Restoring to violence already?" Kurosaki the elder raised an eyebrow. "That isn't very dignified." Ryuuken released the arrow.


	137. Invisible

Genre: Mystery/Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Ochi-sensei, Orihime, Chad, Ishida

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

"Inoue, Ishida and Sado are missing?" Ochi-sensei said while doing the roll call on the first day of the new semester. "Technically, Ooshima and Sorimachi are absent too, but they don't count because they're bad students anyway. They must be having some fun somewhere. But Ishida, Inoue and Sado? They're such good students. Something must have happened to them."

"We're here!" Orihime announced from her seat. The teacher showed no sign of hearing her. That was weird. Now that Orihime thought about it, it wasn't the first weird thing that had happened to her today. For starters, Chizuru didn't try to glomp her. That was highly unusual, though not unwelcome. But even most other girls didn't talk to her today. She didn't have many friends, but being shunned so still hurt. At least Tatsuki spoke to her.

"We'll just have to hold this lesson without them and they'll have to catch up," Ochi-sensei concluded.

"Hey! We're here!" Orihime screamed. She still got no reaction from the teacher.

"I'm here," Chad said in a calmer voice. He too was completely ignored. That was just plain weird. Chad spoke so rarely that somebody should have reacted. Was this some elaborate prank or what?

"I think they can't hear or see us," Ishida said.

"What?" Inoue blinked in confusion. "How?"

"Remember how we used the matter-to-reishi convertor gate when we went to Soul Society?"

"Yes," she nodded, not getting the point.

"We didn't use it on our way back."


	138. Learning Konsou

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Ichigo, Rukia

Author's note: References chapters 77 and 105 - Urahara's guides to fighting Hollows and Konsou for dummies.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

Rukia closed her eyes, inhaled and exhaled deeply in an attempt to keep her temper from rising. It was in vain. She gave up a few seconds later, snapped her eyes open and screamed: "Can't you do anything right, Ichigo?"

"But I did it exactly like the manual says," the redhead defended.

"You did it all wrong," the petite currently depowered shinigami stated. "Look at the poor soul. He's knocked out."

"I see," Kurosaki replied with a slight embarrassment. "But it's better than the last one, isn't it?"

"Well, at least you didn't break his skull this time," Kuchiki admitted, "but I'd hardly call this progress. You didn't get any closer to actually performing Konsou. Seriously, Ichigo, It's been three days. Most Academy students get it on their first try, so what's taking you so long?"

"I don't know," the boy shrugged helplessly. "Maybe it's because I'm not a real shinigami as you remind me thrice a day?"

"That doesn't matter. You should be able to do it. So why don't you get it? I explained everything. With pictures."

"Uh... they were very informative," Ichigo said hurriedly. He held no desire to be kicked in the head again. Four days after meeting Rukia he had learned that that was her default result to somebody pointing out that her drawings sucked. The fact was that his only source of information on how to perform the Soul Burial was the little pamphlet Rukia had brought and it wasn't very informative. So there was no choice, he had to ask for more details. He really wasn't looking forward to the midget's reaction. "But maybe you could explain this line?" He pointed at a spot in the manual. "I don't really get it."

Rukia sighed in exasperation. "What is it?" she looked in the manual. And blinked. "What's that?" she asked. Her face gradually turned into a mask of disbelief as she read the contents of the tiny booklet.

"The manual you gave me," Ichigo answered. "Why do you look so surprised? You look as if you haven't read it before."

"Well, I didn't," the girl admitted. "I can perform Konsou just fine, so I saw no reason." Then she started fuming. "That Urahara. How dares he write something like this and sell it to me? And at such a price?"

"You should have seen his manual on fighting Hollows," Ichigo grimaced. "It basically says to put the sharp end of a zanpakutou into them."

"That no-good scoundrel," Rukia fumed. "Advice like this can get people killed. What was he thinking, not including any instructions on actual fighting? And what was he thinking when he wrote that Konsou is just slamming the hilt of your zanpakutou into a soul's forehead? It got two of them wounded already."

"I think you should change your supplier, Rukia," Kurosaki advised her.

"That's easier said than done," Kuchiki pouted. "How many shops supplying shinigami equipment do you think are in this town? And how many of them won't report me?"

"Uh... dunno?" Ichigo scratched his head.

"There's only this one," she answered. "And the owner is abusing his exclusive position of the market shamelessly."

"You're an expert on economy now too?"

"That's beside the point," Rukia stated. "I'm going to kill Urahara later. Now I have to teach you to perform Konsou properly. I'll explain it again." She took out her drawing pad and pens. Ichigo sighed. It looked like he wasn't going to learn it anytime soon.


	139. Paperwork fail

Genre: Mystery/Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Hirako, Yamamoto

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

Fifth Division Captain Hirako Shinji looked completely undisturbed when he walked into the commander-general's office. The tone of the summons delivered via a Hell Butterfly suggested he was in trouble, but he didn't let it bother him. He never let anything bother him. If he did, he'd start to worry and worrying wasn't for carefree young men like him.

"Did you call me?" he said instead of a greeting.

"Yes," Yamamoto confirmed. "Come closer." Hirako did so. The ancient shinigami pointed at a stack of papers lying on his desk. "Do you recognize this?"

"It looks like the paperwork I submitted this morning," Shinji answered.

"Indeed," the bearded warrior nodded. "Can you explain yourself?"

"Why?" Hirako asked. "Is something wrong? I submitted it on time, didn't I?"

"You did," Yamamoto nodded.

"I submitted everything I was supposed to, didn't I?" Shinji inquired.

"You did," Yamamoto nodded again.

"There weren't any mistakes, were there?" the Fifth Division Captain checked.

"There weren't," Yamamoto nodded for the first time.

"So if everything is alright, what's the problem?" Hirako threw his arms around in a helpless gesture.

"You wrote everything backwards."


	140. Tingling

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Ikkaku, Yachiru

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

Something was tingling. Every member of the Eleventh Division recognized the sound and knew to scramble away unless he wanted to become the next sparring-partner (read: punching bag) for their psychotic captain. Only a few select ones were brave enough to stay. Madarame Ikkaku was one of them, so the sound of approaching bells tingling didn't worry him at all. But there was something weird about it. It took the Third Seat a moment before he realized what it was: he couldn't sense Kenpachi's reiatsu nearby. And that was weird. Even if Ikkaku was the first one to admit that his ability to detect reiatsu wasn't worth a bit, Zaraki's reiatsu was impossible to miss. And now there was no trace of it. That was really, really worrisome.

Before he could think about it deeper, the tingling came closer and something landed on his head.

"Fukutaichou!" he exclaimed. He had been so worried about not feeling Kenpachi that he had completely missed Yachiru's approach. But that wasn't strange, the pink-haired girl had the uncanny ability to appear when people weren't expecting her at all. The tingling accompanying her when Zaraki wasn't was.

"Hi, Baldy!" Yachiru grinned and tingled.

"I'm not bald!" the Third Seat protested. In response, Yachiru jumped on his head, the movement being accompanied by more tingling, and singsonged:

"Baldy! Baldy! Baldy! Baldy!"

"Aaargh!" Ikkaku growled in frustration. If he had hair, he'd pull them out. "Stop it already! And why are you tingling?"

"I ate magic candy and now I'm tingling!" she explained and bounced around, tingling some more.

"Magic candy?" Madarame questioned.

"Yup," she nodded, tingling. Before the Third Seat could ask for details, a loud bellow sounded over the Eleventh Division barracks.

"**WHERE THE HELL ARE MY BELLS?"**


	141. Shishigawara's devotion

Genre: Mystery/Humor/Drama

Rating: K

Characters: Ikkaku, Shishigawara

**WARNING: SPOILERS FOR LOST AGENT ARC.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

"Why do you follow Tsukishima?" Ikkaku asked his downed opponent. "You would die for him, but he wouldn't die for you. So why do you still follow him?"

"So what if he wouldn't die for me?" Shishigawara asked. "He did mere for me than anyone else!"

"Really?" Madarame raised an eyebrow. "What was it? Did he save your life?"

"No."

"Did he save somebody you know?"

"No."

"Did he help you when you were down?"

"No," the downed youth shook his head.

"I don't get it. What other reason is there for such devotion?"

"Tsukishima-san remembers my name!" Shishigawara shouted. Madarame looked at him as if he had just grown a second head.

"So you're willing to throw your life away just because he remembers your name?" Ikkaku questioned his hearing. "That's the dumbest reason I've ever heard."

"It isn't dumb!" the Fullbringer protested.

~~~~_Shishigawara's flashback_~~~~

"_Pleased to meet you, Sushigawara-kun."_

"_So you are Sushigawara?"_

"_Where are you, Sushigawara?"_

"_Come play with us, Sushigawara!"_

"_You're late, Sushigawara!"_

"_Sushigawara? What a cute name."_

"_Why didn't you do your homework, Sushigawara?"_

"_So cool, Sushigawara-kun!"_

"_Is that you, Sushigawara?"_

"_Sushigawara!"_

"_Sushigawara!"_

"_Sushigawara! Sushigawara! Sushigawara!"_

"_You have potential, Shishigawara-kun. Will you become my follower?" "Oh yes, Tsukishima-san!"_

~~~~_End Flashback_~~~~

"It is dumb!" Ikkaku insisted. "Everybody can remember your stupid name, Sushigawara!"


	142. Kenpachi vs Tsukishima

Genre: AU/Drama/Mystery/Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Kenpachi, Tsukishima

**WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE LOST AGENT ARC.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

**If Tsukishima fought Kenpachi**

"Why do you do it?" Tsukishima pleaded as he barely dodged a sword strike. "Why are you still doing it?" he asked as Zaraki's blade nicked his ribs. "Am I not your best friend?"

"Yes," Kenpachi grinned, attacking Tsukishima madly. The Fullbringer barely blocked and was thrown far back. He didn't understand what was going on. He had bookmarked the shinigami right at the beginning of their fight and it took effect, but it didn't do him any good against the berserk, as he had realized when Kenpachi nearly cleaved him in half. The captain was charging at him madly.

"Aren't you grateful to me?" he asked, scrambling from the path of Kenpachi's next attack. It was hard because one of his legs had been injured a few minutes ago.

"Yes!" Zaraki grinned, trying to stab him. Tsukishima tried to block, but managed only to redirect the blade from his heart to his shoulder. It hurt like nobody's business.

"Weren't I your only friend back in the Outer Rukongai?" he pleaded.

"Yes!" Kenpachi punched him for a change, breaking at least two ribs.

"Didn't I save you and Yachiru?" Tsukishima tried his tricks again, though speaking hurt a lot now.

"Yes!" the shinigami grinned, attacking him merrily. Tsukishima by some miracle dodged, but he could tell that he won't be able to keep this up for much longer. He didn't understand it. Why was his power failing so spectacularly? Why was that madman attacking his best friend? And Tsukishima couldn't even retaliate because then he'd undo the effects of the Book of the End and there was no telling what the berserk would do once he remembered they were enemies. Though on second thought: could he do anything worse than he was already doing? Maybe it was worth a try. But that required being able to actually hit the barbarian, he thought as he was thrown back by yet another mad attack. In his current condition Tsukishima couldn't do more than defend and screw with Zaraki's mind.

"Then how can you do this?" he pleaded. "How can you try to kill your best friend?" Kenpachi cut into his other shoulder, rendering both of his arms useless.

"How can I not?" the scarred man shrugged. "I give my best friend my best fight."


	143. Storage space

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Rukia, Ichigo, Byakuya

Author's note: Sorry for the long time between updates. I couldn't come up with anything funny in the past few weeks.

**WARNING: SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 477.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

"I can't believe it!" Rukia cursed. "First Urahara and then this little twerp! Why does everybody stuff things into my chest?"

"I don't know," Ichigo shrugged. "But maybe you should charge them for using the storage space," he added jokingly.

"So if they pay that would make it okay for them to use my chest?" she snapped angrily.

At the moment they were hit by a sudden wave of murderous reiatsu. The form of Kuchiki Byakuya appeared between them.

"Did you just suggest that my sister should take money to let other people use her chest like some loose woman?"

"Uh, that's not what I meant," Kurosaki apologized hastily. Byakuya didn't listen.

"Scatter, Senbonzakura."


	144. Yukio's games

Genre: Humor/Mystery

Rating: K+

Characters: Riruka, Yukio

**WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE LOST AGENT ARC.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

"So what game are you playing, Yukio?" Riruka asked one day when she was bored. Normally she'd avoid talking to the nerd, but today she was really, really bored and there was no-one else to annoy.

"An interesting one," the boy replied without raising his eyes from his console. He was obviously trying to tell her to stop bugging him, but he did it in such a rude way that made her want to bug him more.

"Really? So which one it is?"

"A good one." Yukio still didn't have the decency to look at her when answering, so she pressed on.

"I get that, but which one?"

"A really good one." Yukio was really rude if he still refused to tell her. Or was there some reason he didn't want to tell her? That made Rukia really want to know. Not that she was interested in anything the stupid brat did, but she was really bored today.

"So what's the game called?"

"None of your business," Yukio snapped.

"So the game is called 'None of your business'?" she mocked. "I've never heard about it."

"No. And it's none of your business." Yukio was sounding annoyed now.

"You're mean," Riruka pouted. "Why don't you tell me?"

"Why should I?" he shrugged. "Go play with your dolls." If he thought that would make her back off, he was going to be seriously disappointed. Riruka was determined not to back off until she got her answer.

"At least tell me what's the game like," she pleaded. "Is it a shooter? A puzzle? A RPG?"

"I'm surprised you even know what these are," Yukio said condescendingly.

"You're mean," Riruka pouted. "So which one it is?"

"None of your business." Yukio now had a dark aura of annoyance around him.

"You know, Yukio, there's something that's been bugging me," Riruka said. Yukio ignored her and played with his console. "Every time I look at your game I see just a glowing screen. No characters, no lines, nothing."

"The screen shows colors properly only in one direction," the gamer explained.

"I've seen such screens and they don't glow this way," the girl replied. "You know what I think, Yukio? You don't really play any game. You just stare at a blank screen and push buttons randomly and pretend that you are a master gamer."

"I don't!" Yukio spluttered. Riruka smirked like a cat who just ate a canary.

"Yukio isn't really playing any game!" she shouted victoriously, making everybody in the Xcution headquarters look at her in annoyance. "He just pushes buttons and pretends so nobody knows what kind of loser he is!"

"Shut up!" Yukio turned bright red in the face.

"Yukio's a complete loser!" Riruka jeered. "He can't even play his stupid games! I bet he never beat even the first level!"

"That's it," Yukio scowled. "Invaders must die." Riruka suddenly found herself caught in a space where everything was made out of big cubes and had only sixteen colors.

"So what game are we going to play now?" Yukio mused in a bloodthirsty tone. "Landmines everywhere? Monsters everywhere? What about 'Shoot the girl'?"


	145. Immunity

Genre: Action/Humor

Rating: T

Characters: OC and one so minor that he can be counted as an OC. Most OCs come from my fic On the Frozen Plain (not that it matters for those who haven't read it).

Author's note: Credits to Icedragonshiki for the suggestion.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

She was running. It was the only thing she could do in this situation. She was an Arrancar so she was supposed to be powerful, but Aizen-sama had a bad day when he had created her and she ended up being pathetically weak. The would-be god then threw her out of Las Noches because she was an embarrassment. He then denied he had ever created a weakling like her. She didn't even get a number. But she was determined to prove herself. If she could kill some shinigami, surely Aizen-sama would recognize her strength and take her back.

A plan in her mind, she headed into the Living World to find some patrolling shinigami and kill them. She didn't dare to go to Soul Society, she had no illusion about her chances close to the seat of the Gotei 13. So after some searching, she finally located a shinigami patrolling the streets of a town. He looked weak enough for her to take out, so she attacked.

Unfortunately for her this shinigami wasn't quite as incompetent as he looked. He dodged her first strike and pulled out his soul phone.

"Eighteenth Seat Ishiwara here!" he shouted while dodging her attacks. "Encountered an Arrancar! Need help!"

"Roger!" a voice answered from the other side. She scowled. This didn't look good. She had to finish off this Ishiwara guy before the reinforcements arrived. She attacked her opponent with vigor.

She was winning. She wounded the shinigami and made him drop his zanpakutou. But before she could finish him off, the reinforcements appeared. They were two of them and both of them significantly more powerful than the downed guy. That meant they were stronger than her too. So she did the only thing she could think of in this situation: turned tail and ran.

That plan had one weakness: they were faster than her. Not by much, but they were gaining on her. That one guy was getting pretty close now. Wait, where was the other one? Almost as soon as she thought it, he appeared in front of her. She stopped. She was cornered.

"I'm Arai Hakuba, Tenth Division, Third Seat," the guy who had ambushed her introduced himself.

"Takezoe Koukichirou, Tenth Division, Seventh Seat," the one behind her added.

"Pleased to meet you," she smiled as best as she could muster.

"Oh, don't be so pleased," Arai said. "We're introducing ourselves just so you know who is going to kill you."

"Can't we talk about it?" She knew that if it came to a fight, she wouldn't stand a chance against them, but luckily she had one asset the Hougyouku had granted her aplenty. And her opponents were both men. She made her best puppy eyes and moved so that her jacket opened, showing the glorious bosom underneath. This strategy had gotten her from tight spots before. But this time it did nothing. The two guys didn't even twitch and raised their weapons, preparing to attack her.

"Are you both gay?" she asked in dismay.

"No," Arai shook his head, "but we're Tenth Division. We're used to Matsumoto-fukutaichou. She has bigger jugs. You're out of luck, girl."


	146. Lightbulb

**Author's** **note:** I'm back from the dead. Sorry for the delay. I'll try to update sooner next time. Though I can't guarantee when my inspiration is going to strike.

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: captains

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

* * *

**How do the captains of Gotei 13 change a lightbulb?**

**Ukitake:** He's too sick to get up. Kiyone and Sentarou race who'd change it for him and break a box of lightbulbs in the process.

**Kurotsuchi:** "Changing lightbulbs? Why? Do you think I make so inferior lightbulbs that they'd actually break? Ignoramuses."

**Zaraki:** "Why bother? It'd get broken during our next division-wide brawl anyhow. And fighting in the dark is fun too."

**Hitsugaya:** He'd spend an hour yelling for Matsumoto to do it and then he'd give up and do it, grumbling about lazy lieutenants.

**Tousen:** "The lightbulb is broken? I never noticed."

**Kyouraku:** "Why bother? I don't have to see to taste sake and I can sleep in the dark better. But I can't admire my beautiful Nanao-chan this way. Hm... maybe she'd get scared of the dark and let me comfort her..."

**Komamura:** He really doesn't like changing lightbulbs. He's too clumsy in his gloves and he can't see what he's doing in his helmet. So changing a lightbulb takes several tries.

**Kuchiki:** He's too important to change a lightbulb. He just tells Renji to do it.

**Aizen:** He'd make everybody think the lightbulb is still working.

**Unohana:** She'd smile at the lightbulb and it'd start working again.

**Ichimaru:** He'd smile at the lightbulb and it'd start working again.

**Soifon:** Why change it? Onmitsukidou thrives in the dark.

**Yamamoto:** "So the lightbulb broke already? I never trusted this modern nonsense."


	147. Fourth's revenge

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Kenpachi, Yachiru, Ikkaku,Yumichika

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

The Eleventh Division picked on the Fourth. It was one of the facts of life in Seireitei. It has been like that as long as anyone could remember and it was expected to remain that way. But every person can take only so much abuse, so one day the Fourth decided to fight back. In their own wimpy way.

././././././././././././././././././././././././././././././././././././

It was early morning and the Eleventh Division stood at attention in their barracks' courtyard. That was the usual prelude for their morning training/ all-out brawl. But today they didn't show their usual level of bloodlust. Instead, they looked shy and embarrassed. It was no wonder. When they woke up this morning, they found out that their laundry returned from the cleaners pink. A regrettable error, the guys from the Fourth had apologized and assured them they had no idea how did something red get into the washing machine, but unfortunately they had no way to bleach the undershirts, obi and tabi. So for the time being the Eleventh would have to bear with wearing black and pink uniforms.

"What's wrong with you?" Kenpachi scowled. It was scary. The fact that his haori was pink didn't diminish his scariness any. "Did you all turn into wimps?"

"Our clothes are pink," Ikkaku complained.

"So what?" Zaraki shrugged.

"It's pink," the Third Seat repeated as if it was self-explanatory.

"Pink is a pretty color," Yachiru chirped.

"It's girly," the bald man insisted. Many of his division mates nodded in agreement.

"But it's pretty," the tiny lieutenant stood her ground. "I like this new uniform very much."

"While I agree that pink is a beautiful color," Yumichika spoke, "it clashes horribly with my orange collar and arm guards."

"Only you care about such things," Madarame muttered.

"Silence!" Kenpachi thundered, tired with the meaningless chatter. "Did you all turn into old women? What does it matter what color you wear? Let's fight! Once we get our clothes all bloody, you won't be able to tell they're pink!"

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

So the Fourth Division's first attempt at revenge backfired, creating more work for them. What will they try next?


	148. Lightbulb lieutenants

Genre: Humor

Characters: lieutenants

Rating: K+

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

**How do the shinigami lieutenants change a lightbulb?**

**Sasakibe Choujirou:** He uses candles. He doesn't believe in such modern nonsense as lightbulbs.

**Oomaeda Marechiyo: **He pays somebody to do it.

**Kira Izuru: **"Even the lightbulb rather broke then shine for me. I'm so despicable." (He sits in the darkness and wallows in his depression.)

**Kotetsu Isane: **She doesn't have to. The lightbulbs in the Fourth Division are too scared of Unohana to break.

**Hinamori Momo:** She changes the lightbulbs before they even break. She wouldn't allow Aizen-taichou to be inconvenienced by a broken lightbulb.

**Abarai Renji:** He uses Zabimaru to screw them in. For training. All the lightbulbs he breaks are docked from his pay.

**Iba Tetsuzaemon:** He doesn't. Manly men aren't afraid of the dark.

**Ise Nanao:** "I have no time to change lightbulbs. I have to chase after my lazy excuse of a captain and do all of his paperwork. Let Third Seat Tatsufusa change it."

**Hisagi Shuuhei:** "I'll get to it right away. Right after I prepare the next issue of Seireitei Times for print, oversee the division training, help Matsumoto with her overdue paperwork, deliver the report to the captain, finish my own paperwork..."

**Matsumoto Rangiku:** She asks Hisagi to do it.

**Kusajishi Yachiru:** She doesn't change lightbulbs. She throws them at people. It's more fun. And once she's bored with it, she tries to make Ikkaku's head shine.

**Kurotsuchi Nemu:** "The lightbulbs at the Twelfth Division don't break. Mayuri-sama already told you so."

**Kuchiki Rukia:** She uses Chappy-shaped lightbulbs. She can't understand why somebody always changes them for the boring ones within a day.


	149. Lightbulb Espada

****Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

CHaracters: Espada

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

**How do the Espada change a lightbulb?**

**Starrk:** "You woke me just for that? Why should I care the lightbulb's broken when I'm asleep?"

**Barragan:** You suggest His Majesty should do such demeaning task as change a lightbulb? Such insolence! You're going to die horribly to atone for your offense.

**Harribel: **"I have to do everything myself. My Fraccion would just break it."

**Ulquiorra:** "Why bother? It will break again anyway. All lightbulbs do."

**Nnoitra: **"It broke? I'm going to break it again!"

**Grimmjow:** "Don't bother me with something so insignificant. Can't you see I'm fighting? Oh, you can't see 'cause it's dark here. So you know now so stop bugging me."

**Zommari: **"I'll make it feel the power of my Amor and it'll shine again!"

**Szayel: **"My lightbulbs don't break! They're perfect!"

**Aaroniero:** "I prefer darkness. My powers don't work in the light."

**Yammy:** "Lightbulbs? What's that?"


	150. Fourth's revenge 2

**Author's note:** Wow, I actually made it to 150 chapters. Thanks everybody for the support that got me this far.

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Kenpachi, Yachiru, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Aramaki Makizou

Note: Sequel to chapter 147.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

After dying the Eleventh Division's clothes pink failed, the Fourth Division was in low spirits for a while. But eventually they tried again. And this time their plan of attack was foolproof. Or at least they were convinced so.

.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=.

"Damn it, what is it this time?" Ikkaku cursed. The Fourth had done it again and attacked their uniforms.

All the seams on their clothes were slowly becoming undone. First their sleeves started falling off and then their whole shihakushou turned into rags.

"My perfect appearance is ruined," Yumichika pouted. "But at least people can now admire my beauty without any hindrance," he added with a smile, striking an underwear-model pose. It caused most of the division to look away and wish for some sort of brain bleach. Too bad that the memory-erasing powder worked only on souls with no spiritual power.

"Shut up," Ikkaku growled trying to untangle his zanpakutou from his sleeve. He eventually got frustrated and just cut through.

"Why do you care about getting your clothes destroyed so much? Are you Yumichika?" Kenpachi questioned. He had simply discarded all the troublesome garments and stood there only in his underwear. It made him look even scarier than usual.

"No, but the fabric is getting in my way," Ikkaku answered. To prove his words he immediately tripped on his hakama.

"This would be better if we had girls here," Aramaki Makizou commented.

"I'm a girl!" Yachiru announced cheerfully.

"You don't count," Aramaki snapped. That was the wrong thing to say. Yachiru's reiatsu rose.

"Now he said it," Ikkaku muttered, not understanding how anyone could be so dumb. In the next moment Yachiru was on Maki-Maki, beating him into a pulp. Once she got tired of simply pummeling him, she tied him up with the remains of his uniform.

"So what are we going to do now?" somebody asked. "It's too cold to run around naked."

"Now we warm up in a fight," Kenpachi answered. "And then we're going to make the Fourth repair everything."


	151. RIB

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Ichigo, Rukia

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

"We really need to work on keeping our secrecy," Ichigo said as he watched Rukia, his currently depowered shinigami friend, wipe the memory of an accidental witness of his latest battle.

"Yes, you need to be more discreet," the girl agreed.

"People can't see me this way, but they can see you," Kurosaki pointed out. "You need to work on acting more normal."

"I am acting normal!" Rukia shouted.

"Not normal enough."

"Hmph. Well, whatever. From now on I am going to act perfectly normal. Nobody will ever notice anything is wrong." This declaration gave Ichigo a bad feeling. He recalled the last time she promised to be inconspicuous and then pretended she was Sailor Moon. It was an experience he didn't want to repeat ever again.

"You aren't getting ideas from some manga again, are you?" he asked.

"Of course not," she scoffed. "That's for children." Somehow this reassurance didn't make Ichigo's worries dissipate.

*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*

The next day there was a Hollow attack again. Ichigo raced to deal with it. And once he was done, he noticed that there had been another witness who needed some memory erasing. Now where was Rukia?

Then a short figure walked into the alley. Ichigo needed to do a double take to confirm that it was really the shinigami girl. Instead of her usual sundress or the school uniform she was wearing a black suit and very dark sunglasses covered her eyes. Ichigo wondered whether she could see anything through them. She walked over to the witness and pulled out her memory eraser.

"Please look here," she said. The confused man did so and Rukia pushed the button. There was a flash of light and Rukia pocketed her device. Then she turned around and walked away, leaving one very confused no-longer-a-witness behind. Ichigo slapped his forehead. He should have known it was going to be something like this. He quickly caught up to the shinigami girl.

"Rukia?"

"This was perfect, wasn't it? He didn't suspect a thing," she boasted, obviously very happy with herself.

"You shouldn't watch movies either."


	152. Fourth's revenge 3

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Ikkaku, Yumichika, Hanatarou, Kenpachi, Iemura Yasochika

Author's note: Sequel to chapters 147 and 150.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

After their plans to attack the Eleventh Division through their clothes backfired twice, the Fourth Division decided to be nasty. Really, really nasty. The nastiest they could get. They wanted to prove that even if they are the Fourth Division, they can be truly evil.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Damn it, how long are you going to be in there?" Ikkaku asked while doing a dance that was quite different from his usual Lucky-Lucky dance. Even if people couldn't recognize the moves, the pained expression on his face was enough of a giveaway.

"I'm sorry but you can't come in here yet," Hanatarou's apologetic voice sounded from inside the room.

"When will you be done?" Ikkaku demanded with rising desperation.

"This is a complex cleaning of the plumbing in the toilet system," the Fourth Division member replied. "It is going to take at least another hour.

"Another hour?!" Madarame was on the verge of panic. "I can't hold it for another hour!"

"I'm sorry, but I'm already working the fastest I can," Hanatarou apologized. "Try another toilet."

"I already did! All of them are under repair! So finish now or I'm going to throw you out!" the bald man gave an ultimatum.

"I can't finish now!" the Fourth Division's Seventh Seat replied. "Even if I stopped cleaning and start putting the pipes back together, it will take at least fifteen minutes."

"I don't have fifteen minutes," Ikkaku growled. "I'm going to kick you out now."

"But a dismantled toilet is so ugly," Yumichika pointed out. "And it stinks. A lot."

"Still better than pissing my pants," the Third Seat mumbled. "And what about you? You don't look particularly beautiful today." It was true. Ayasegawa's face was pale and sweaty from the strain of keeping it in. Only his obsession with beauty prevented him from hopping around in an undignified manner like his friend.

"Sissies," Kenpachi scowled as he walked around. He looked perfectly fine, as did Yachiru perched on his shoulder. "Are you the Eleventh or a bunch of spoiled princesses? How can you let something like this rattle you so badly? Just go into that alley over there. We'll make the Fourth clean it up later."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Why do we always end up like this?" Iemura Yasochika whined as he scrubbed the floor of the alley. He had a good reason to whine. He had been scrubbing the same yellow stain on the ground for nearly an hour and it was still there. Whoever had thought it was a good idea to build Seireitei entirely from white stone? They had no sympathy for street cleaners. Every stain was very visible. "Why does the Eleventh always end up on top?"

"You know," Yamada Hanatarou replied while scrubbing a persistent brown stain, "I'm just glad we didn't go with Eight Seat Ogidou's suggestion and didn't give them the laxative."


	153. Candles

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Ichigo, Rukia, Isshin, Yachiru, mentions of others

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

Ichigo was walking back home one day when he heard a familiar voice. He stopped in his tracks, not sure if he wasn't imagining it. As he listened more closely, he concluded he didn't. It was really Rukia's voice. But what was she doing here? Not that he minded, but none of his shinigami friends have shown up in the months since he had lost his power as a side-effect of unleashing Mugetsu. So why was Rukia here now, talking to his father? Nothing occurred to him, so he decided to come closer so he could actually understand what they were saying.

"Of course I will help you!" Isshin declared tearfully. Ichigo shook his head in embarrassment. Some things never changed.

"You're too kind, sir," Rukia replied sobbing theatrically. "I don't want to abuse your kindness, but I really have nowhere else to go after my house burned down." This was also one of the things that never changed. How could Rukia with her lousy acting skills and ridiculous sob stories always get people to do what she wanted? Especially when said people knew too well who she really was? It had to be some special power of hers.

Ichigo decided that enough was enough, walked over to them, grabbed Rukia and dragged her into his room. Before he shut the door, he heard his father's tearful exclamation: "Our boy is all grown up already, Masaki! He drags girls into his room! I'm so proud of him!" Ichigo decided to postpone killing his father in favor of finding out what was Rukia doing here. He went for the direct approach, because it was his style.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm looking for a place to stay because my house burned down," the shinigami girl replied.

"I know that's what you told old goat-beard, but I want to hear the real reason."

"This is the real reason, my house really did burn down," she insisted. Ichigo imagined the Kuchiki manor in flames. Then he imagined Byakuya's face if it really happened. As amusing as the thought was, he couldn't imagine it being true.

"Really?" he asked dubiously.

"Really." Rukia was sticking to her story.

"Even if I believed you, you could still stay at your division's barracks," he pointed out the obvious hole in her story.

"I can't because it burned down too," the petite girl explained. She really doesn't care about credibility, Ichigo thought.

"So the division barracks accidentally burned down at the same time as your house."

"Yes," she nodded. "The whole Seireitei burned down."

"What?" Somehow the last statement was believable. "What happened? Was it an enemy attack? Did Aizen escape?" He was ready to run to Soul Society and fight whatever threat was responsible for the destruction, completely forgetting that he was currently powerless.

"No," Rukia shook her head. "There was no enemy attack. It was an accident."

"An accident?" Ichigo raised an eyebrow. "How does a whole city burn down in an accident?" Especially considering that it was built of stone and not wood, if he remembered correctly.

"Well, it was like this," Rukia started. "After the war ended, things got too quiet and gloomy. So to cheer things up we decided to throw a party. And Yamamoto-soutaichou's birthday was coming up, so that was the perfect opportunity."

"Yamamoto's birthday," Ichigo mused. "How old is he anyway?"

"And a birthday party must have a cake with candles," Rukia continued ignoring his interruption. Ichigo tried to imagine Yamamoto's birthday cake. He imagined it being the size of a table with lit candles covering it completely. Then he corrected his image to one of a cake as big as his whole room. He was still imagining it too small. He also got the nagging feeling that he knew how the Seireitei caught fire.

"And the cake was really big and there were lots of candles so when it came the time to blow out the candles, Yamamoto-soutaichou blew really hard. And you know that his power is fire, right?"

"Uhm," Ichigo nodded. He recalled the flaming inferno the ancient general unleashed while fighting Aizen.

"So as he blew, the candles burned more and the walls caught fire," Rukia concluded her story.

"I can see how stone can burn now," Kurosaki said, finally believing her story. "Which idiot thought making Yamamoto blow out the candles was alright?"

"Can you imagine a birthday without candles?" Rukia asked sounding scandalized. Ichigo could imagine. Traditional Japanese celebrations didn't use them. It was a Western custom and therefore something most denizens of Soul Society would be unfamiliar with. Only someone who had spent a significant length of time in the Living World, studying contemporary culture, could come up with it. Ichigo got the sinking feeling that he knew who that someone was.

"Rukia," he started, "it was your idea, wasn't it?"

"Everybody agreed it was great," she said defensively.

"I can't believe it," Ichigo shook his head. "You burned down Soul Society!"

"It was only Seireitei! And Yamamoto set fire to it!" Rukia refused to accept any responsibility for the disaster.

"But it was your idea! So you're not only looking for a place to stay, but hiding from pissed off shinigami!"

"That's not true! Nobody thinks it was my fault."

Ichigo shook his head. Arguing with Rukia was pointless, he had learned that a long time ago.

"I still can't believe nobody told you it was a bad idea."

"The whole Shinigami Women Association loved it," the Kuchiki girl replied. Ichigo didn't know much about the SWA, but he had heard from Renji and Ikkaku that they were the most fearsome organization in the whole Soul Society and utterly insane.

"How bad was the fire?" he asked. "Were there many victims?"

"Oh no," Rukia waved her hand dismissively, "everybody ran away. So now there are many shinigami who have nowhere to go." Ichigo felt cold dread settle in his stomach. He was almost certain he knew what was going to happen next. Before he could say anything, a loud shout came from the ground floor, perfectly intelligible even through the closed door.

"Of course you can stay!" Isshin exclaimed. "I would never turn around such a cute little girl! It will be like when my daughters were young again!"

The feeling of dread intensifying, Ichigo opened the door and looked down the stars. There he saw Isshin hugging Yachiru while an assortment of female shinigami stood a bit away.

"Hello, Ichi-Ichi!" the pink-haired lieutenant waved cheerfully. "Come play with Ken-chan again?"

Will Kenpachi accept loss of power as an excuse? Ichigo wondered. Before he could decide on an answer, Rukia spoke from behind him.

"The SWA can stay here too, can't they?" Her tone didn't accept no as an answer. Ichigo groaned.

"They're hiding from the angry men too, aren't they?" Rukia didn't answer. "I'm not going to survive this." But watching Yachiru and Isshin bounce around, he decided that maybe death wasn't so bad. Then he remembered that even if he died, he wouldn't be free of this band of whackos. Sometimes he really hated his life.


	154. Juhabach's delays

Genre: HUmor/crack

Rating: T

Characters: Juhabach, Vandenreich members

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

The preparations were almost complete. The army of the Vandenreich was strong and soon it would be able to launch an attack on Soul Society and erase the thrice-damned shinigami from the universe completely. The thought made Juhabach happy. He couldn't wait for the moment of attack. He decided to inspect his troops to see whether they could start the invasion already.

He first headed to where the Soldat were training. Their commander was going through the drills with them and didn't even notice him. Juhabach ripped of his arm. The commander cried out in pain and clutched his stump. Only then he turned around. That was too slow in the Emperor's opinion, so he tore off his other arm too.

"How is the training going?" he asked.

"Well," the Soldat commander answered, staring at his torn limbs dejectedly.

"Good," Juhabach nodded before walking away. He headed to where the Jagd squad was training. They too took too long to notice him too so he ripped their commander's arm off.

"How is it going?" he asked.

"My men will be ready in time," the Jagd commander replied, not even flinching from the pain. Juhabach nodded contentedly and headed to where the Sternritter were training. They noticed his presence immediately, they were the elite after all, but one of them looked at him defiantly so Juhabach tore off his arm.

"How is it going?" he asked. Two Sternritter began reporting at once, so he tore of their arms. Then a third one took over the report, but he stuttered, so Juhabach ripped off his arm. Before he was done inspecting, he tore off the arms of five more people. Eventually he returned to his throne room, satisfied that the preparations were going so well. That was when his second in command entered.

"Sir?"

"What is it?" Juhabach was in good mood, so he didn't even tear of his arm for the intrusion.

"I'm afraid we have to postpone our plans to annihilate Soul Society."

"What?!" Juhabach barked and ripped off the man's arm.

"It seems that our main forces have suddenly lost their arms and are unable to fight," the man explained.

"Damn incompetents," Juhabach muttered and ripped off his adjutant's head. This was already the fourth time this happened. Now he'd have to train a new invasion army. He really hated these delays.


	155. Apples

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Orihime, Hitsugaya, Matsumoto

Author's note: Not a crossover, but another manga is referenced. Also, don't eat while reading this.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

"Here you are," Orihime said cheerfully as she lay the plates of food in front of her houseguests. Then she noticed that they looked a bit reluctant to dig in. "What is it?" she asked puzzled. "Don't shinigami like apples? I've heard that they do."

"Apples aren't the problem here," Hitsugaya muttered, watching the... something on his plate cautiously. Why did he accept the invitation to stay at Inoue's?

"I think it's great, Orihime-chan," Matsumoto smiled after tasting a bite. Hitsugaya silently admired his lieutenant's courage. He wouldn't dare to touch the so-called food.

"Really?" Inoue lit up.

"Really," Rangiku nodded after trying another of the redhead's creations. "Especially the roasted apples with fried chicken and chocolate cookies covered in caramel, and the apples filled with strawberry, hazelnuts, chili peppers and blue cheese, and the sliced apples with bamboo sprouts, red bean jam, fried noodles and meatballs..."

Once the two females forgot his existence, Hitsugaya ran off to throw up.


	156. Free food

Genre: Humor

Rating: K+

Characters: Ichigo, Kon, Renji, Hikifune Kirio

**WARNING: SPOILERS for chapter 521.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

"Don't touch it," Ichigo screamed at Kon, who was about to dig into the feast laid in front of them. He knew that he was being a bit too harsh towards the mod soul, but it was for his own good. And besides, he was really hungry and being tempted with such overabundance of deliciously smelling food was torture and it was making him cranky. But he knew better than to dig in.

"There's no such a thing as a free meal!" he continued. He shot a pointed look a Renji, informing him that he'd better listen too. "There's got to be some strings attached! Don't let your guard down!" He didn't want to imagine what could happen to him if he gave in and dug in, but his experience was telling him that he'd regret it sorely. He glanced at the fat lady that had prepared the meal, expecting her to reveal her true nature and do something nasty to them. But instead Hikifune Kirio just smiled motherly.

"My, my, being around Urahara Kisuke appears to have made you lose your faith in humanity."

"No," Ichigo muttered. "Just Twelfth Division captains."


	157. Forgetting something?

"Masaki, now an university student, often came to laugh at me, how I looked in a white robe," Isshin narrated his life story. He mentioned how they went to see a movie together, how she was like the sun and everything turned around her. "And then you were born," he concluded.

"Didn't you leave out something?" Ichigo asked.

"Like what?" Isshin tilted his head.

"You don't know?" his son raised an eyebrow.

"No," the old shinigami shrugged. "What?"

"There should have been something before that," the redhead stated.

"Like what?"

"You really can't tell? You left out something rather important from your story."

"I did?" The elder Kurosaki looked confused. "I can't think of anything."

Ichigo sighed. His father could really be thick sometimes. It looked like he had to spell it out.

"So when did you get married?"

Isshin made a funny face and scratched his head.

"Uh... ehm... you see..."


End file.
